Birthmothers For Adoption

Out of the Darkness, Light. What we mean to Adoptive Parents.

2012-01-27T06:00:00.000-08:00

This is a guest blogger! I was contacted by him after my last call for birthparents. You can read his blog HERE

Now before anyone gets all butt hurt ... yes his view is very different from a lot of people who follow this blog. Remember that we are all entitled to our own opinions and there is no need to attack. This, in my opinion, is a beautifully written post. Love, Jessa :)

To date, I don’t feel that I have done anything of note. I feel that I have led a trite and meaningless life. I don’t really consider myself to be all that special or important to anyone - at least not yet. But really, when you think about it, we are heroes to our child’s adoptive parents. I’ve never thought about it this way, but I suppose it’s true.

From the beginning of their long journey through the adoption process, my daughter’s adoptive parents prayed for Caroline and I and our unborn daughter before they even knew us. All they knew was that out there somewhere, there was a woman with child who was scared and didn’t know how she and her baby’s dad were going to take care of their child.

The adoption process is very long, very stressful, and very emotionally draining. Everyone’s experience is different, but from what I’ve read, there are a lot of let downs. While some agencies, including the one Caroline and I placed through, don’t allow any contact between birthparents and prospective adoptive parents, many do. The same is the case in private adoptions where a friend, or a friend of a friend, knows somebody who knows somebody who is pregnant. Pre-placement contact is often a tedious and gut-wrenching experience, and I don’t know why people do it. A crisis pregnancy is the hardest thing a woman will ever go through, and while they may know that adoption is right for their child, they might feel like somebody is trying to snatch their baby from them before he/she is even born. As a birthfather, even one who was 100% committed to adoption throughout Caroline’s pregnancy, I couldn’t even imagine meeting with a couple who would be raising my child before the birth. If we had committed to a family before Hannah was born, we would’ve had to let them down – at least temporarily.

When your child is born, there is a paternal instinct that takes over. Holding my daughter in my arms just seconds after she came into this world, the reality of our situation faded away, and I thought to myself that I was wrong and that there was no way I could give my little girl up – that somehow we would find a way to take care of her. However, beginning with the drive home from the hospital, reality began to come back into focus, and I began to remember the impossible situation we were faced with. The focus once again returned to choosing an adoptive family.

Despite knowing that our eventual decision to choose adoption was the right choice, if someone had tried to take my baby away from me while we were still at the hospital, one of two things would’ve happened: Either we would’ve had to tell the prospective AP’s that we had changed our mind, or we would have gone through with the adoption and experienced a lifetime of regret and resentment.

The message of this post is that our child’s parents’ lives rise and fall with the decisions we make as birthparents. I’m not an outwardly emotional guy, but I’ve read some accounts from adoptive parents that just broke my heart – stories of people who had chosen a couple and then reneged at the last minute, expectant mothers who had miscarriages after selection, birthparents who revoked their relinquishment of custody, and of course those “expectant birthmothers” who are scamming prospective adoptive parents for financial gain. I would just like to say really quickly that if you are looking to adopt and an expectant mom you are communicating with asks you for money, don’t send her a dime. It might not be a scam, but it probably is. Think about it – if you were pregnant and looking for parents for your child, would you ask them for money? I think not. See the Facebook page “Avoiding Adoption Scams”.

Before they brought our child home, our little girl or boy’s parents were in a very dark place. Most people who are looking to adopt, including my daughter’s mom and dad, experienced the pain of infertility. I can’t imagine how emotionally taxing that must be both for a man and for a woman. As a man, if I were unable to provide my wife with a child, I would feel like less of a man, and that I was a disappointment to my wife. I can only try to imagine how a woman would feel if she couldn’t conceive, but as most women have such a strong, natural drive to bear children, I would think it would be an affront to their identity as women.

Many couples cannot withstand this let down. All too often, infertile couples (I really don’t like use the word infertile - it’s so scary), don’t share a deep enough love to make it through such a difficult time. Those couples who do “make it” and choose adoption drudge on through years of waiting - Waiting to decide if they should adopt. Waiting to find the right agency. Waiting for their home study to be completed. Waiting for their future child’s birthfather to do the wild thang with his girlfriend and have an “accident” happen.

After reading the blogs of many adoptive parents, most of whom are experiencing this process for the first time, and one family who is going through it for a second and, I might add, more difficult time, I have realized something. We, as Birthfathers, are the answer to our child’s adoptive parent’s prayers.We are the bright light piercing through the darkness that has become their lives.

What if? What if?

2012-01-25T20:36:00.000-08:00

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"What' and ‘if’. Two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?'..." from Sophie's letter to Clair in Letters to Juliet.

An adoptive parent asked me to write a post on how I think my life would have been different if I'd been a child of an open adoption instead of a tightly closed one. Actually, I rarely dwell in the what if realm. Thoughts come to me —longings-- and I am confronted with phantom grief for all of the lives I didn't live. I visit there sometimes, visit the what if. But that realm is at the end of a long, lonely street. It takes a while to get there, and once I leave I don't have the desire to return very soon. I'm stating only the obvious what ifs in this post, from my perspective.

If I start dwelling on what if I'd had an open adoption, then I have to think about what if I hadn't been adopted at all: I have to think about the fact that I wouldn't have been there for my a-parents when they were close to death. I have consider that Teresa wouldn't be my lifelong best friend from my home town in California. I have imagine life without my two brothers and older sister. I have to imagine a life built on something other than my Faith. I have to consider a childhood without piano lessons. I have to think about not meeting my husband at BYU, getting married and having my four wonderful children. It's too much. It gives me migraines. I never say "I wish I weren't adopted." I never will say it. I don't feel that way.

Now, the question of what if I'd had an open adoption. If I had known my birth mother, I would not have felt depressed every birthday wondering about the day I was born. I would not have looked at brunette models on Revlon TV commercials and fantasized that one of them was my natural mother. I would have know who gave me my freak double-jointed fingers and crooked pinkies.

I could have answered medical history questions at the doctor's office. I would have felt more comfortable living in my own skin. I would have confidence that my sometimes serious, too analytic, Information Nation style of socializing was inherited honestly, and not a character defect. I would have had more adults in my life to mentor me, to love me, to be interested in me.

I will not attempt to address the what if from my birth mother's perspective. But here's something she wrote on the subject: "When I surrendered I knew I could not have contact with my daughter and should not even start looking for her until she was 18 . I could force myself to cast aside thoughts about her until she reached that magic age. Mothers in open adoption have to navigate a relationship from day one."

Relationship navigation is very tricky. I think my adoptive parents could have managed an open adoption though, especially with my particular birth mother. If my adoptive parents and known my birth parents , perhaps they would have had an easier time parenting me. They would have recognized my body language, my sense of humor, my seriousness. They wouldn't have had to figure me out from scratch.

Calling All Birthparents!!!

2012-01-21T16:12:00.000-08:00

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I am looking for Birthmoms or Birthfathers that are willing to help us out.

1. I need some birthparents to participate in an email panel.
What is an email panel you ask?
----Well I have several adoptive couples AND prospective birthparents who have been emailing questions on open adoption or who are wanting to talk and ask questions to birthparents about adoption in general. I would email a question out to the panel every week or every other week and the panel would answer it....if we get some really good ones i will probably post it on our blog because it is good information for everyone to have..

2. i need some birthparents to guest blog for us next month
What does it mean to guest blog? What if I am bad at blogging/don't know how? What do i blog about?
----First of all it is easy and requires NO knowledge about blogging. All you have to do is Email us your blog post with a picture or two and birthMOM and i will do the rest. WHAT TO BLOG ABOUT? what not to blog about?? briefly share your story then pick a topic to focus on. i.e. Post placement, healthy relationships, dating after placement, grief, etc.

If you are interested in either of these email us at BIRTHMOTHERS4ADOPTION @ GMAIL (dot) COM

Repost: Where is the line?

2012-01-19T17:45:00.000-08:00

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i decided to repost THIS today because i have gotten a lot of emails lately about it. Complaints from both sides.

Adoptive couples saying that they wanted to include the birthparents but the birthparents were having trouble keeping boundaries and calling or texting at all hours of the day.

Birthparents saying that their adoptive couples haven't been completely honest with them.

Boundaries are important people!!!!!!

I love you all! p.s. Megan one of my fav contributors to the blog will be posting what I am sure will be a gem! She is amazing and if you haven't ... you should check out her blog!

Repost: Moving On

2012-01-14T18:31:00.000-08:00

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I was reading this post recently and i love how Amanda was able to articulate these feelings! I love when I feel like i mesh well with other birthmoms and I have someone who feels the same way I do!

My life is moving quickly, it is changing quickly. I think about Josie everyday. but i also think about my baby... Everything I went through has helped me in this journey. I will never forget about my experience, i will always cherish those memories.....i have just moved on. I don't need to cry about it anymore. I think about it and smile.

LOVE YOU AMANDA

Having a Child After Placement

2012-01-05T09:20:00.000-08:00

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Hey! i haven't blogged in a while because i was busy having a baby.

Those of you who are my facebook friends and sick of this cute face...too bad so sad :)

Anyways, a couple of weeks ago i started this post but needed to think some more on it. Sooo, now i am ready.

I actually asked a couple of friends this question, "What was the biggest challenge emotionally you experienced having a child after placement? (this can be during pregnancy, hospital time, or
afterwards)"

The women who answered are all birthmoms, they also have all had children after placement. Some recently some with children who are older.

here are some of the answers i received:

Katie: After my daughter was born, I realized how differently I felt towards her as compared to my birth son. I loved him immensely but it was different. I couldn't imagine handing my daughter over the way I did my son (the thought of being separated from her was too much to bear) but I think it's because I had prepared myself to make that choice before. I think this shows how emotions can be different when you go into a birth having a plan to place versus a plan to parent. The planning and preparation goes a long, long way to change that emotional response. I also had joy in both births but that felt different as well. The joy at my son's birth was obviously more bittersweet.

Gina:I found after having my first son that I had a lot of anxiety over losing him. We had him in the hospital when he was very young because he was sick and I remember thinking he was going to die (even though it wasn't that serious). I just felt that at any moment he would disappear. I don't feel this way as much now. (11 years later)

I find myself constantly thinking "what would I do without you?" I feel I am more grateful for my children now, then if I had not placed my baby. I cherish so many little things. Especially with my daughter (since I placed a baby girl) I absolutely love that I get to take her shopping or paint her nails.
I feel incredibly blessed that God has allowed me to raise three beautiful children and be a birth mother to one. I have learned so much from both roles.

Jeanie: With both of my birth children my parents were in the room while I delivered. So I chose not to have them there with my daughter because I didn't want those dejavu feelings.
I never let Layla out of my sight at the hospital. When it came time to go home it was so weird but wonderful to be bringing a baby home with me.
But once I got home was the bad part. I fell into a deep postpartum depression. Back when I had my birth children had people tell me. Just imagine what it will be like when you have a baby you keep. You will be so happy you won't even care that they cry all the time and that they are always are awake because you finally have a baby. And I believed that. I thought I would be in such a state of bliss actually bringing a baby home that the hard parts about having a newborn wouldn't bother me. Not so much. And because I was so depressed I got so mad at myself. Why am I depressed??? I should be so wonderfully happy. So that made me even more depressed. I cried everyday for three months. It was a bad time.

Now however things have gotten so much better. I do feel my love is so much deeper for my daughter because of placing two babies. I always feel extremely guilty when I"m away from her. Also having her really gives a whole knew surety that I did the right thing to place my other kids. I don't know how I could ever raise a child alone. I barely feel adequate to raise my daughter but at least I have another making up where I lack in parenting and visa versa.

I reflect now on my own feelings of having a child after placement and there were some key things i noticed:

1. I struggled with having my husband there. I loved it, don't get me wrong. but sometimes i forgot to let him know about doctors appointments and such. not because i wanted to exclude him...i think it was just because with Josie it was just me. the birthfather really couldnt've cared less. but at the same time. During the birth. having somewhere there to rub my back, hold my hand, encourage me to keep pushing. It was amazing. i loved having a partner in crime :)

2. I bawled like a baby out of happiness. I got to experience things i didn't with Josie. my baby was put up on my belly, my husband cut the cord, i got to experience skin to skin time. All of these things were special moments i will cherish forever. Things i didn't realize how badly i missed out on with Josie. At the same time. let it be known I don't think i would change much about Josie's birth because i wanted her parents to experience those firsts.

3. The thing i have noticed the most...like people have mentioned above is the intense love i feel for my baby. she is mine ... all mine. I was very protective of her in the hospital. wouldn't let her go to the nursery without my husband. Whenever i hold her and am looking at her...i tear up. I love this baby so much. had i not gone through what i did...i don't think these feelings would be as intense. i am not saying parents who haven't placed before don't love their children as much as i love mine...i am just saying the placement before intensifies several feelings.

It is a different experience and there are all kinds of emotions you feel when going through this transition of your life. I am thankful for both the experience of becoming a birthmom and becoming a mother.

I would love to hear your comments and opinions on this subject as i am sure everyone has a different story to tell!

Merry Christmas From My House

2011-12-25T13:00:00.000-08:00

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Today marks the 25th Christmas I've spent with my darling husband Jim. Wow. That's a long time! Through the years we've added four children to our family. Now they're almost all grown up! Here they are playing a competitive game of Settlers of Catan on Christmas Eve.

Left to right: Aaron, 13; Rachael, 23; Chelsea, 20; Ben 17
(You can also see my husband Jim sitting in the living room)

All of my children gave me picture ornaments when they were little. I think something similar would make a great gift for birth parents and birth grandparents.

Aaron, 3rd grade.

Rachael, 2nd grade.

Chelsea, 1st grade

Ben, 3rd grade.

The first Christmas Jim and I were married, we made an angel for the tree top using a fashion doll purchased from the dollar store. She faithfully stood up top until just a couple of years ago. We decided to give her a rest, so now she gets to sit back comfortably.

Below is our newest angel. I picked her up at a thrift store a couple of years ago.

I love her. I want to be her!

Here's some more of my favorite ornaments:

The Thai reindeer hung on the Christmas tree of my childhood. My parents traveled to Thailand when I was 11, and brought home four reindeer, one for each of their children.

Santa is excited to have such a fancy reindeer!

Christmas Cow

Paddington Bear

I fell in love with a swan as a newlywed. Quite scandalous, I know. Jim and I purchased him during an after-Christmas sale. We were too poor to buy him before Christmas

Rachael did an internship on the Navajo nation after her freshman year of college, and brought back this handmade Navajo couple.

I asked my children what their favorite ornaments are.

Ben's likes the one Grandma Bakaitis gave him for his very first Christmas in 1994.

Chelsea likes the Campbell's Soup kid in the moon.

We have a large collection of Campbell's kids ornaments given to us by Jim's dad.

Rachael loves this blown glass ornament made at Greenfield Village in Detroit, MI.

Aunt Marlene Davis used to volunteer there.

Aaron favors the fixer elf.
He's busy moving about our tree, repairing any lights that might go out .
The elf used to fix Jim's tree when he was growing up in Detroit, but now he works for us.

Yes, we adoptees grow up and have families of our own, and then our children grow up. We cherish positive Christmas memories from our childhood, and we also create new traditions.

Have a very Merry Christmas everyone!

merry christmas!

2011-12-24T19:14:00.000-08:00

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Christmas is not in tinsel and lights and outward show.

The secret lies in an inner glow.

It's lighting a fire inside the heart.

Good will and joy a vital part.

It's higher thought and a greater plan.

It's glorious dream in the soul of man.

--Wilfred A. Peterson (The Art of Living)

As you may have noticed......

2011-12-10T22:20:00.000-08:00

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As you may have noticed....we both have been busy with the holidays and everything. SORRY!

We hope you are all enjoying the wonderful holiday cheer and not getting too overwhelmed!

I thought i would repost THIS story for a couple reasons

1: i recently had a friend reunite with his birthmother and it makes me happy to hear of those stories

2: this is the most read story on our blog

3: its happy....i needed something happy today.

so enjoy it...i will probably be mostly reposting this month ish....i like to spend time with my famdamily and hope you are enjoying your friends and or family as well!!

If any of you have a reunification story or would like to guest blog email me at birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com

Love you all!!

Repost: An Adoptive Father's Love for Birthmothers

2011-11-27T16:52:00.000-08:00

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I decided to repost this story because Shane is one of the most amazing people ever and he truly does love birthmothers.

I recently got to hang out with him at the SW Regional Adoption Conference in Arizona and it was lots of fun. If there is any doubt that an adoptive parent can love their adopted child as much as their birthparent...go hang out with Shane and his Wife Megan for a bit and you will quickly learn that doubt is just silly. They love their kids, their birthfamilies, and any other person with adoption ties fiercely.

So go check out the story and see how awesome Shane is.

Different Adoption Blogs

2011-11-26T01:55:00.000-08:00

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A lot of times we focus sooo much on just birthmother blogs! here are some other adoption blogs that i like to take a peak at...some of them are quite new and only have a few posts but keep an eye on them....

Opening Up To Adoption --Adoptive Dad

Earth Stains--(Our favorite blogging adoptee MEGAN!)

So I Married a Birthmother--Husband to a Birthmother

Jordyn Loves Her Boys--Wife to a Birthfather

Statistically Impossible-- Birthfather

Baby Darling -- Birthfather

DISCLAIMER: Just because i posted them...does not mean that i always agree with them about everything 100 percent of the time. HOWEVER i think it is good to broaden your horizons and check out new things!

day of thanks

2011-11-24T18:31:00.000-08:00

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as birthmothers, we have much to be thankful for, today and every single day.

Thank you universe, for adoption!

our lives would not be nearly as full without the endless blessings of adoption.

for those who dont share our sentiment, thats ok, just remember these wise words:

"if you want to live in sadness, live in the past.

if you want to live in anxiety, live in the future.

if you want to live in Peace, live in the now."

~author unknown

happy thanksgiving and many adoption luvs, desha and jessa

loves choice

2011-11-23T12:31:00.000-08:00

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have you explored the amazing website love's choice yet?

if not, you are missing out on some fabulous stories, resources and interviews.

you can read my interview HERE

2 yrs and counting

2011-11-21T14:32:00.000-08:00

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my expose written from Turkey, for national adoption month.

cant believe its been 2 years, already!

'the arizona experiment' and i got to meet in LA aug 2011

local utahns, come eat cupcakes with jessa and myself and katie on weds.

deets on the facebook event page!

Happy Sunday--no this will not be a post of Unicorns

2011-11-20T10:24:00.000-08:00

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Instead you get an explanation of why there was no post yesterday!

birthMOM was busy because she was getting ready to come to UTAH..which means....what?? it means i get to see her...we only get to see each other like twice a year in real life so it is always a treat! we will be having a little birthmom party the day before thanksgiving so keep an eye out for those deets on our facebook page

I was busy dealing with some health issues (man alive do i love pregnancy lol) and I was hanging out with a very cute little girl and her family...

I couldn't really hold her because she is getting way too big way too fast!!!

Some highlights of this visit were many.

1. When she saw Wes and I walk up to she ran to me and screamed Jessa...this was not a very nice thing to do to a hormonal pregnant lady because its a lot harder to not cry about silly things like that.

2. I found out that Josie enjoys chewing on ice. which to me was insane because I am an avid chewer of ice (i know i know its not very good for your teeth or whatever ...don't care) My mom is also an ice chewer...i guess its one of those weird habits that twins who are separated at birth and reunified have in common or something. lol.

3. Josie turned to me during lunch and asked, "Jessa, where is Jr?" It took me a minute to realize what she had asked because :

a. i had never heard her say that before

b. she is 3 and well, lets face it, three year olds aren't exactly known for their diction skills.

I couldn't help but smile. I am so happy she even knows about her birthfather. As sad as it is...a lot of acouples don't really go over the whole birthfather thing because they are usually not as involved. I am thankful to be able to say that she is learning about him. It made me very happy...although he may not have been a fantastic individual in the past...he is a good person who helped bring her into this world. She deserves to know where she got her beautiful skin and gorgeous curly hair. okay i will stop on that tangent again.

4. Josie was trying to get me to look at a sign and she goes...Hey, Hey birthmother...look at that car.

I was trying so hard not to LOL. i don't feel like this was a super significant moment in our meeting...i just thought it was funny because usually she just calls me Jessa. haha.

5. the last moment I am going to share with you was when we were talking about the baby in my tummy. we talked about it several times. and i loved it.

j-i was a baby in your tummy first.

J-yes you were. you were a big fat baby.

j-giggles

I loved this. with the new baby coming. Wes and I have talked quite a bit lately about how the relationship with Josie and our baby will be. Honestly...i feel like its going to be like our relationship now. Its going to be going to hang out with our friends...just we have one more member of our family and they have one more friend. When Josie gets older i am not sure how its going to play out. like i have said before...if she ever doesn't want an open adoption with me that is her choice. She is allowed to make that choice, just as my children will have the choice when they are older if they want to join in on visits. It is just like my parents i feel like.

My parents were thrown into the situation of open adoption. but they both have a choice of how they want to handle it... My mom chooses to look at pictures of her but not to really have contact in person. My dad chooses to look at pictures of her and see her when he can.

Does it make me sad my mom chooses not to really participate in seeing her? Yes of course it does. But i understand where she is coming from, that is just her personality. But i know it is her choice.

My children, my husband, Josie, my family; they all have that choice on whether or not they want to be a part of it. The only people i have to (i say have to because for my own sake) stay in contact with is her parents. So i can know she is happy... as long as i can at least always get a letter telling me Josie is okay i would be able to live with the fact that contact may be to tough for her at some point in her life.

this post turned out to be much longer than I intended and I am sorry for that..I am sure it made very little sense as my brain is jumbled right now.

I love you all! Happy Sunday!

Repost: Does the hurt and pain ever go away?

2011-11-18T10:27:00.000-08:00

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I thought this was a great subject to touch on. Especially because there is an influx of people telling me lately that

'I could never do that...that would be too hard'

'I know i should place but it would hurt too much'

Go check it out HERE

Questions I Wish Josie's Birthfather Would Answer

2011-11-16T19:57:00.000-08:00

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Mrs. R asked a question about birthfathers on facebook the other day and it got me thinking.

The only picture I have of the birthfather and I...saving it for Josie.

I like many other birthmoms had a negative experience with the birthfather. He really could have cared less....or at least that is how he acted. He said one thing but did another. He was constantly telling me how much he loved me, how much he loved Josie, and how badly he wanted to be her father....but when it came down to co-pay, dr's visits and holding a job he didn't act upon any of it. The only good thing he did for me while I was pregnant was sign the papers when pleaded with.

With Josie i was induced. Meaning I knew the birthdate in advance. I told him the birthdate 3 weeks beforehand so he could make sure to at least make an appearance. I waited and waited....he never showed. I was heartbroken. Not for me...but for Josie. She deserved to know that he wanted her, that he loved her. He didn't come. It wasn't important to him.

I was so frustrated. i was bitter. i was livid.

this little girl deserved to meet her birthfather. she deserved to know he cared.

i sent him a few pictures of her birth...all non identifying. He still doesn't know where they live...i don't think. and the adoptive mom and i are not sure whether or not he knows their last name (there was a little oops on the email) but then he took those pics and put them on his MySpace and captioned them with "my little girl" "she looks just like her daddy." OH THAT INFURIATED ME. What the heck did you do for her?? Wouldn't it have been nice to be able to actually hold her and have a picture of you TOGETHER??
all of these were thoughts that ran through my head.

I was bitter for a long time. I couldn't talk about him in a positive way.

but then i started to think a lot about it. I don't want Josie to ever feel as if she can't ask me questions about him. i know a lot about him and i think she should too. i couldn't, for her sake, speak of him so negatively. I want Josie to love where she comes from not grow up loathing her birthfather just because I did. so i started trying to forgive him. trying to look over all the horrible things he had done to me and towards me. so i began with the positive things....

-He signed the papers--he was a soldier in the military, so to place he HAD to sign the papers by law. I found this out pretty far into my pregnancy and was panicked. after much pleading, crying, and logical conversation...he signed. Because of this Josie is where she needs to be.
-He gave her beautiful eyes, beautiful curly hair, and beautiful skin- She would not be nearly as pretty with just my genes. He made her gorgeous! I grew her but she is all him. Everytime she smiles....she looks just like him. She is beautiful....for this i am grateful...and i am sure she will be too ;p
-He gave her life--without him there would be no Josie. and that is the greatest thing he ever did. this world would not be complete without little Josie.

I wish that I could get him to answer some questions though...oh how badly i want these questions answered...

-What was it in the end that made you decide to sign the papers?
-Do you regret not being more involved?
-Do you wish you would have made the effort to come to the hospital?
-Do you wish you could hold her and tell her how amazing she is?
-Do you accept the adoption now?

One day i hope to meet him again...in this life or the next and ask him these questions. They would bring me such closure. My heart hurts for him. I wish soo badly that if they do meet sometime that i can be there to witness that beautiful moment. i can honestly from the bottom of my heart say that i would feel nothing but pure joy and happiness. I am sure i would cry because i was soooo elated that he finally gets to meet her. It breaks my heart they haven't yet. (of no fault to the adoptive couple.) If I ever get to witness that day it will be locked away in one of my treasured moments.

He is a good person. I wish him the best in life. I know deep down he knows what is right.

Can the Temple Ordinances bring Adoptees and Birth Parents Closer Together?

2011-11-16T02:31:00.000-08:00

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I had First Contact with my birth mother when I was 31 years old. I didn’t tell my adoptive parents for months, and maybe never would have, except that my Bishop counseled me to. My adoptive mother’s reaction was exactly what I expected, which is why I didn’t want to tell. She was shocked. She felt betrayed. She wondered what she should have done differently as an adoptive mom so that I would not have gone down the path of finding my first mother.

Up until the day he died, even after he developed dementia, my adoptive father was upset with me for having a relationship with my birth mother, because it had upset my a-mother. “You broke your mother’s heart,” he used to say.

I’d like to think my parents see things differently now that they are on the other side of the veil.

My mother feared that my adoption reunion meant I was on the brink of apostatizing from the LDS Church. “You were sealed to us in the Temple! Your natural parents don’t matter anymore,” she asserted. She feared that my search for my natural parents meant I was losing my testimony. She told me that when an adopted child is sealed in the temple to parents, a “blood change” takes place so that the adopted child becomes biologically connected to the adoptive parents. She felt that the "blood change" should remove my curiosity about birth parents. She promised to send me some quotes from Joseph Smith, Bruce R. McConkie and John A. Widtsoe about adoption and the “blood change.” She’d been saving these quotes for years. But when my mother pulled the quotes from her file and reviewed them, she was chagrined to admit they weren’t about legal adoption. The quotes were about converts being adopted into the seed of Abraham.

Towards Reconciliation

My parents’ attitudes about adoptees' contact with biological parents were not uncommon for their time. Unfortunately, these attitudes can still be found in some adoptive parents today, and there's no excuse for it. I am saddened to read about adoptive parents who close adoptions that were promised to be open. Do they feel that their status as parent may be diminished if birth parents are in the picture? Truth be told, I probably would have bonded more closely to my adoptive parents if they had been able to acknowledge my emotional needs. If an adoptive parent cannot accept a child’s family of origin, he/she cannot fully accept the child. The child will sense it. I know. I've been there.

I realize I am preaching to the choir here. I am sure adoptive parents coming to this blog understand the importance of keeping adoptions open. But perhaps you could broadcast it to other adoptive parents at FSA conferences and such. Or send them to this post, please.

Some a-parents may ask, “What about the Temple? This child has been sealed to me. He is mine now.” I am going to propose something that may shock some of you. I don’t think that in the next life it will matter who children are sealed to as much as some think it will. As we do temple work for our deceased ancestors, we join more and more of the family of mankind together. If an adopted child traces ancestry back far enough, he will find an ancestor that is common to both adoptive and biological families. Once temple sealings are performed for that ancestor and descenants, the child may be linked to both families.

In the 2010 magazine booklet Temples of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Gordon B. Hinckley says, “For the most part, temple work is concerned with the family, with each of us a members of God’s eternal family and with each of us as members of earthly families… [As] the doctrine is enunciated in language both beautiful and impressive, the participant comes to realize that since every man and woman is a child of Heavenly Father, then each is a member of a divine family; hence, every person is his brother or sister…”

President Hinckley further teaches that family relationships bound together through the sealing ordinances may continue in the world to come. Adoptive parents will have a relationship with their children for eternity. Still, the temple sealing ordinance is a binding ordinance, not a separating ordinance. It does not separate birth parents from the children they relinquished.

President Hinckley states, "...When asked by the scribe, 'Which is the first commandment of all?' the Savior replied, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. 'And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself' (Mark 12:28, 30–31).

The teachings set forth in modern temples give powerful emphasis to this most fundamental concept of our duty to our Maker and to our neighbors. Sacred ordinances amplify this ennobling philosophy of the family of God. They teach that the spirit within each of us is eternal, in contrast with the body, which is mortal. They not only give understanding of these great truths but also motivate the participant to love of God and encourage him to demonstrate a greater neighborliness toward others of our Father's children."

How can temple-worthy adoptive parents "demonstrate a greater neighborliness toward others of our Father's children [birth parents]" and then close an adoption, denying birth parents a relationship with the one they brought into mortality? Why do they deny their child's emotional needs for this connection? Please read this post by adoptee and adoptive parent Rebecca Hawkes. She explains much better than I could how adoptive parents can tune into their child's needs.

Children sealed to adoptive parents in the temple do not have greater distance from birth parents than children who are not sealed. In fact, the sealing ordinance can bring adoptive children closer to birth parents. The temple does not sever biological ties; it expands families. There is room for everyone.

Note:

In addition to doing guest posts on the B4A blog, I have started my own blog called Earth Stains. My messages on Earth Stains are more targeted to adoptees, with a focus on health and wellness. I hope everyone can glean something from my writings, so please stop by. I signed up for the Adoption Interview project, so look for my interview on Thursday, November 17th. I interviewed a fantastic mom named Rachel who has an adopted son and daughter from China. Rachel's interview with me will be posted at her blog, Everybody Wants a Cupcake.

Happy November!

Scholarships 4 Birthmothers

2011-11-15T08:00:00.001-08:00

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Scholarships 4 Birthmothers is a NonProfit I started. It did VERY well the first two semesters....this semester....well its lacking.

Part of it is my fault. i have been very busy and sick with this pregnancy so I haven't been able to advertise as much or keep the blog looking pretty. So I am turning over a new leaf. We have someone updating the blog for us and making it BEAUTIFUL! I can't wait to see the finished product.

Also we are partnering with a few businesses who will be able to help us out.

So why am I telling you all this....

Well 1 is so you birthmoms can watch out for when we start accepting applications

2 is to ask for donations. right now we are 200 dollars away from being able to hand out a scholarship for Spring semester. with how many applications we have I would love to be able to reward at least one of them!

It's super easy to donate! visit our BLOG on details of how to donate. REMEMBER! Seriously even 10 dollars can make a huge difference. Spread the word and help us out! You can donate eve if you are a birthmom. Remember KARMA is kind. who knows you may donate ten dollars then turn around be rewarded with a 500 dollar scholarship!

Repost: Adoptive Family Answers Some Questions!

2011-11-14T08:00:00.000-08:00

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I have to repost this one! I love how sweet the boys are about their sister. and I also get to see them this weekend which makes me pretty stoked about life in general. not only that but they are pretty much hearthrobs in the making! We are missing a brother in the picture below :( but its one of my favs!

My Beautiful Heartbreak

2011-11-12T22:13:00.000-08:00

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Last year I made the video below (PS if any of the videos don't work you can click on title and watch them right on youtube)

Well...some of the adoption stats have changed since then and I figured what the hey lets make another one...well i have been making the aforementioned video for a while....but i couldn't find a song to go with it. Then Josie's mom let me know about a beautiful song by Hilary Weeks and i was inspired to get my butt into gear and finish it. Placing for adoption truly was my beautiful heartbreak. It was extremely heartbreaking but in this hard time I also felt peace, love, and comfort. I knew i was doing the right thing for my baby girl.

I hope you enjoy this video! I am so thankful for everyone who donated their pictures to be used!

And after you watch that make sure to check out birthMOM's awesomeness video.

Repost: Guest Blogger: Stephanie Toyn

2011-11-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

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Stephanie was one of the first guest bloggers we ever had! You can read her story here.

My how time flies!!! I know Steph has gone through a lot since placing in 2009. My favorite part about her though... No matter what comes her way she learns from it and grows. She is mature beyond her years because of the trials she has gone through with this adoption and I love her truly!

Repost: The Other Side

2011-11-11T08:45:00.000-08:00

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This Post is a fabulous one to read! It reminds us of other perspectives besides birthmom and her side. there are lots of people involved in adoptions and it stretches out and reaches extended family as well.

I am thankful that Amanda was so willing to share this personal story so openly and in turn open our eyes to the other side.

Repost: Crossing the Line into CoParenting

2011-11-10T08:36:00.000-08:00

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I know I didn't write this post all that long ago but I do find it an important thing to constantly remind those of us in an open adoption! Open adoption can be a wonderful thing...IF we remember our boundaries!

Repost: To Pregnant Girls With An Adoption Plan

2011-11-09T08:32:00.000-08:00

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birthMOM wrote this awesome post a while back and i think it would be great to go back and read for those of you are getting ready to place a little one.

Isn't she insightful???

Guest Blogger: Maggie

2011-11-08T08:27:00.000-08:00

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My name is Maggie. I am 28 years old. I am a very proud and humble birthmother of a 1 1/2 year old little girl. I am in an open adoption with an adoptive family that I love as much as I love my own family. They have been saviors to me and to my daughter.

My daughter's birthdad and I had been dating for about a year when I found out I was pregnant. He and I had a long-distance relationship and he would drive 4 hours south every Friday to stay with me until Sunday when he would return home. He was amazing! He was the best friend I had always wanted, he was smart, funny, cute, kind to every person he met and he was amazing with my other 3 children I had from a previous marriage. I wasn't planning on having children that quickly, but I knew that he wanted his own eventually so when I found out I was pregnant, it meant that changes were imminent.

I planned to relocate to where his job was and find new employment. That wasn't difficult at all and by the time I was 3 months pregnant, I was moved and settled into my new job. Unfortunately, my daughter's bdad had battled a drug addiction for quite some time before I met him. He had been clean and doing well, but after I moved in with him he started having some problems with his addiction again. The situation escalated to the point for me that I had to remove myself. I left and returned to my hometown. I had to leave pretty quickly because his addiction had really taken a toll on his personality and this new person was quite frightening and aggressive. So, when I left, I left everything!

When I returned home, I had no car, no home, no job. I had left everything to feel safe again. Yet, I had nothing to help me find stability. I ended up staying with friends here and there, I had temporary jobs but nothing that was secure. I was homeless, jobless and 5 months pregnant. My baby’s birthdad had ended up in jail and I had no contact with him.

I didn’t think about adoption until I was 5 ½ months pregnant. It took me two weeks of thinking only about the choice of adoption to finally pick up the phone and contact an adoption agency. I was so scared! The social worker I spoke with was amazing and so caring. She helped me through the process, helped match me with the most amazing family, and showed me a genuine concern for my feelings. To her, I was not another girl who was placing a baby. I was a woman carrying a child that was choosing to give my daughter a better life than what I had available for her. She helped me see that!

My daughter was born on Sunday, June 13, 2010. I didn’t see her until her adoptive mom brought her into the delivery room. I held her and I cried! I still cry now when I think about it. This precious daughter of mine, with blonde hair and icy blue eyes; she looked just like her dad! He would have been so proud. I cried about the loss of that family, that dream that I hoped for. I cried for the loss of his dream because addiction had taken him back. I cried because she wouldn’t know me as a mommy and her birthfather as a daddy. That was a sad, heartbreaking day.

After I relinquished my rights to be her mother, I went home. I went home with an empty belly, an empty heart, and empty arms. I felt as empty as empty could feel. It was awful. I somehow lived through my days and went about life without a sense of normalcy. It seems such a blur now. I thought about her all the time, I worried that the adoptive family wouldn’t follow through with the adoption plan, I got angrier and angrier at the baby’s birthfather. It was exhausting.

Around December of 2010, my daughter’s birthfather got ahold of me. He was now in rehab, he knew about the adoption. He was extremely supportive and sorry. I started talking to him every day again. He listened, he understood, he cried and apologized. He was my best friend again! I shared as much as I could with him about our daughter. I let him know that she was loved and happy, that she was beautiful and smart and friendly. He was so proud of all the pictures and I loved that I could share all of this with him. I felt less empty being connected to him and being able to talk to him about our daughter.

On June 13, 2011, I celebrated my daughter’s one year birthday alone. I was happy to have my friend, happy that my daughter was happy, happy with my relationship with her adoptive parents. I felt calm and at peace. It was a great birthday! Three days later, after 14 months of being clean and sober, my daughter’s birthfather lost his battle with addiction and left this world behind.

Today, I do everything I can to provide support and friendship to other birthmom’s, to help other people understand birthmom’s, to help adoptive families be able to relate to birthmom’s. I write a blog at http://www.premieradoption.org/premier-blog/ and share my ongoing experience of being a birthmother in an open adoption. Also, I have co-founded a support system for birthmom’s called The Enclave which is where I devote most of my time.

I am a very proud birthmother. Choosing to place my child rather than be her parent was the hardest choice to make. I had to disregard every ounce of pride and ego I had, I became so humbled and so grateful!! I love my daughter and her birthfather for helping me have this amazing adoption experience. I would not be the person I am today had I not had the blessing this journey has brought me.

There are so many details and feelings that I experienced over those few months and I wish I could paint them on a giant canvas for the world to understand, but I just don’t think anyone but another birthmother would understand what I felt and what I feel now!

Thank you for reading this and being part of my experience!

Guest Blogger: it has affected my marriage

2011-11-07T08:23:00.000-08:00

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forgive us for not posting the past couple days. birthMOM and I were conferencing it up and busy busy!!

My name is Katelyn.

I'm a birth mother to Ally (4 1/2 born in May of 2007)

I am the adoptive mother to Cayden (4 1/2 born in April of 2007)

and biological mother to Jaxson (7 months born in March of 2011)

I met my husband Daniel in April of 2009

(just after Cayden's second birthday)

Isn't he a stud! Yes I know!

One of the first memories Daniel has of me is Mothers day 2009.

Mother's Day has been hard for me since I placed mainly because I was in the hospital with Ally on Mother's day. I was still sort of her mother on that day. I say sort of because I had signed papers the day before (yes on birth mother's day) so legally I wasn't her mother anymore. The first Mother's day that Daniel and I were together he realized the full force of the emotions that a birth mother deals with. I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing but hey... he married me even knowing I'm slightly emotional sometimes (he just read this over my shoulder and laughed because I said 'sometimes'). I think it may have prepared him for what was to come. However I don't know that it really ever could have.

Jessa asked me to blog about how being a birth mother has affected my marriage. Honestly I can say that it hasn't been a big issue. Daniel learned early that I need to cry. I need to get things out and there isn't anything he can do to fix it. Once he realized that, he would take the kids and go somewhere while I cried. SO I called in a few favors. haha!

First off I think it's unrealistic to think that being a birth mother won't affect your relationships/marriage. Regardless of how open or closed your adoption is there is a certain level of emotions that come from placing a child for adoption. After talking with a few birth mothers I got some responses that were astounding to be honest.

One birth mother stated that...

"The adoption and my 'past' has been a stressor on my marriage. My husband hated seeing that I was still holding onto this little man and all he could think of was that I had sex with another dude"

"We were talking one day and he said he can't make me regret something in my past. Then he's said he'd never be able to place a baby."

I think this is actually the most common thing I've heard....

"If I am upset or stressed, my husband feels responsible for making me feel better. It's taken him a long time to realize that sometimes I don't need him to make it better, I just need to work through it"

So how do we better communicate with our husbands to let them know how to help us?

I think the biggest thing is to know for ourselves as birth mothers what we need.

One birth mother may be like me and need time alone to cry, vent, deal with things. While another may need her husband to hold her, talk to her, reassure her. It may take some trial and error in this department. Another idea is to talk with your support person. Does everyone have one of those or just me? I hope you all do. A support person is someone that you trusted during your pregnancy and placement. Someone that you could confide in and they would reassure you of your decisions. I think something else that helped me and Daniel out was honesty from the beginning. I was very up front with him about the adoption. I made sure he understood that while I knew the decision I made was right, that didn't make it less hard. I would still have times where I didn't know how to add my husband into my adoption story. The transition wasn't the easiest but it was worth it. I can openly talk to him about it now. I have on occasion told him "Go read my blog before you talk to me today." It has helped. There are some things that words can express -for me writing them gets it all out.

I hope this helps. I hope you feel less alone after reading this. I hope you understand that there are going to bumps in the road but it's worth working through. It's worth overcoming.

Me and My husband on our Wedding day (8/27/2009)

Guest Blogger: Whitney

2011-11-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

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My name is Whitney and I am a birth mom. I placed beautiful little Madden July 11, 2011. It was a hard decision to make. I was with the birthfather when I found out I was expecting and so there for we decided that we needed to get married. I never felt quiet right about it. So after a couple weeks I called off the wedding and broke up with him. We defiantly did have our fights of adoption, or parenting. But when it came down to it, it was my decision.

So with a lot of thought I decided to place for adoption. It took me awhile to go through profiles and pick the right family. The birth father and I had a meeting and talked about two families that we liked. With a lot of luck we both had picked the same family. I was still a little unsure about it but I went home and looked at the families blog. I only had to read two or three posts before I was in tears and I knew that this was the family that my little girl was going to grow up with.

Not long after that I announced to the family. We instantly had a great bond. They seemed more like brother and sister to me than anything else. We kept in very close contact through the rest of the pregnancy and the adoptive mother came with me to all of my doctors appointments. Finally the day came when this little princess made her grand entrance into the world, fashionably late of course(one week late). Those few days in the hospital was the closest I could be to my Heavenly Father. The whole miracle of having a baby and also the wonderful blessing of adoption. I had the Adoptive family come the two days before placement day. I wanted to make sure that they had time with her in her first couple days. Placement day was a very spiritual day. Yes if was very hard emotionally, but I knew that it was the right thing to do for this little baby girl. I knew that she would bless so many lives and be such a blessing in this families lives. I know that she will always know me and know that I love her with all my heart. I know have a wonderful relationship with the whole adoptive family and I love them so much. They will never know how much of a blessing they have been in not only little Maddens life but mine as well. I love you Jones Family!

Guest Blogger: Donna Conger

2011-11-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

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My daughter was 17 when, after we returned from a weekend away, I greeted her, and knew that something had changed. I didn’t expressly know that she’d lost her virginity that weekend, but I knew that she’d been seeing a man we disapproved of because he was 23. We were a black family who moved to Utah a scant 4 years earlier. We are not Mormon, but were devoutly Christian with Mormon values. Plus, we knew many who were, including my second husband. So, I was pleased when she hotly insisted that she would not abort the baby and inwardly rejoiced that she adopted my belief in giving a developing baby life.

The paternal grandmother-to-be volleyed back and forth between keeping and not keeping the baby, and each was expressly with extreme emotion. Conversely, the grandfather-to-be did not seem to care either way at times, and other times, he became intensely focused on keeping the baby. The months passed; as my daughter’s belly grew, so did the hostility between we grandparents-to-be. They began accusing us of not chaining her to the bed, thus keeping her away from their son, and we hotly asked why they didn’t step in when they found out she wasn’t over 18.

So the couple saw themselves as a modern day Romeo and Juliet. If we would all just leave them alone, it would all work out. The only moment during that extremely tense eight months was when I heard the baby’s heartbeat. For a short time, all the pain melted away in the doctor’s office as the tiny life called out from deep inside my daughter and said, “Hello everybody, I’m here, Nice ta meet ‘cha.”

At seven months, we finally put our foot down and said that she was going to place the baby for adoption. She was pouty and sullen, and quietly told me that she did not want to place the baby. The agency we went through taught us that you are literally placing your baby into the hands and hearts of a family that can’t make a child on their own or can’t have any more. So I reject the phrase, “giving up a child”. As the same agency says in its TV ads, “you’re not giving the baby up, but giving them more”.

My daughter resentfully began to read case files. I read with her, curious about the selection process. Many of the letters were heartbreaking, like the one about a couple that had a baby with severe birth defects so they decided not to risk possibly putting another baby or themselves through that. Some of the letters to the birth mothers were photocopied, and though they had to be generic, were a little too generic. Likewise, the photos of mostly couples were mostly of faces with smiles, but the smiles were at times tight and pained. We could see the longing and hurt in their expressions. This did nothing to impress either of us, especially my Celeste, who trudged on because I insisted on it. She didn’t know that I had silently prayed that we would find a family soon!

Days passed; Celeste read several dozen files with the baby’s father and with me. She was waning; I was despairing. We got a fresh batch of files, and Celeste stubbornly declared that she’d run away and get married or something if we didn’t find someone in this last batch. God, please, do something! I screamed in my head. She was dangerously impulsive and her threat was real.

A few stories in, there was a letter that had the mark of a scrapbooker. It was a beautiful letter, in both content and appearance. It had a bow at the top, great font choice, and a real signature at the bottom. We looked at the picture. Her smile was many things: relaxed, kind, and hopeful, but not at all pained. We immediately liked the woman who’d poured her heart out to a faceless birth mother, but somehow made us feel as though she knew us and all we were thinking. We both liked her face, an open, warm soul with joy and peace in her heart. We liked the sweet, loving smile and the placid, kind expression of the hopeful father-to-be. We liked that the picture was taken outside. They only had one child, a daughter. We liked so many things about them that the heart-breaking and often exhausting stories we’d read melted away. We didn’t care that they were white or Mormon. We had learned that family is esteemed right after God in a Mormon family, and most Mormon kids had great manners, strict upbringing, and focus on all around wholeness. That, plus a few other things, such as their love of athletics and the fact that they had a farm, assured us that they were right. This was them, the future parents of my unborn grandson! I praised God with all my heart!

It was good, because we were down to the wire. Celeste was due in 2 weeks. The new family was notified and they had their first face to face meeting. Though she and Shawn liked them very much, letting go of the child whose heartbeat was a part of hers, who she “danced” to J.Lo with, and who she talked to constantly, was still nearly unthinkable. She left the house still filled with a few reservations, but came home on Cloud 9. She adored the woman she was about to turn her baby over to, and with absolute conviction, never looked back. It was wonderful to meet them and see what my daughter saw. So when my daughter delivered right on time, I wanted the new mom to be there, but it was against agency policy. All correspondence had to go through them. No last names, no addresses or phone numbers were allowed. Even during the initial meeting, we were given a list of taboos, in short, not too much information.

My mother had flown out for the birth. Two days later, at midnight, my daughter sobbed as she signed away her parental rights. Then she literally placed the tiny little boy into the new mom’s outstretched arms, and forever in her life. I broke down when she burst into tears and ran from the room once the baby was out of her arms. It was possibly the most painful moment of my life, and I know it was for her. My mother stood, and I thought she was going to go comfort my daughter. Instead, she went to the new mom’s side and told her that the baby looked perfect in his mother’s arms. Our adoptive mom-friend never stops feeling guilty for the pain she feels she’s caused by taking a little boy from a birth mother, similar to the guilt the recipient of an organ donation feels at the reality that someone had to die for them to live. But we remind her that she and her loving husband were always meant to be his parents, and that we could not have done better if we had picked them out of a catalog.

Less than 6 weeks later, a miracle happened. We got a phone call. It was the new adoptive mom. But how did she know where to call us? She stunned me by telling me that she not only knew both of our last names {my daughter was from my first marriage}, and our address. It seems that the results from the PKU test had been sent to her, but contained all our information. Plus, as I was rejoicing at having found the perfect adoptive parents to a friend, she realized with a start that she knew exactly who I was talking about, because they were good friends! So my neighbor friend called the new mom and told her she knew the birth mom’s family. She felt she shouldn’t and couldn’t keep something like that from her. Plus, they lived less than 20 minutes away. The agency stipulates that a city and 2 malls should, at the very least, separate an adoptive family from a birth family.

The bond went to the marrow right then with that phone call. We broke agency rules by talking by phone, and further when we invited them to dinner. She has gone above and beyond in inviting us to co-parent, and her concern for what we think about her as a mother never ends. We always tell her that she is that boy’s mother; my daughter was the vessel for carrying him, and that’s all. They now have 4 kids, all of which know they are adopted. She tells them that “Mommy’s baby maker is broken” and they speak openly about their birth mothers. They know who we all are, and photos of our little boy’s brown skinned, Southern Baptist family are dotted around the house, next to his pink skinned Mormon family. It’s a massive family—the adoptive mom is one of 10 children, so you can imagine how many aunts and uncles and cousins he has just on one side! He knows me, his birth mom, his birth great grandmother and many more. I wrote a poem for him on the day he was born, telling him that I was there that day, I spoke his name, and he immediately stopped crying. I told him I would always be there for him, and I am.

We are one, very big, very happy family—even their other 3 kids have sucked my daughter’s son from her recent marriage into their love-fest, hugging him and calling him their brother. It truly is a wonderful, wonderful life!

Happy National Adoption Month!

2011-11-01T08:46:00.001-07:00

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I know i have been MIA lately...life has been crazy forgive me!

I want to announce our winner for the giveaway!

LAURA SCHIEFFERT

you are the winner of the amazing book from Hearfelt Memories!

I will email you the details today!!!

We will be reposting things from our archives as well as having guest bloggers this month! Here are some things you SHOULDN'T miss out on if at all possible!

November 4-5
NW FSA Adoption Conference (Oregon)--see birthMOM there

SW FSA Adoption Conference (Arizona)--see JLBills there

UVU Adoption Conference (Utah)

November 12

Adoption Walk With Me (Utah)--see JLBills there

If you know of any events going on in your area please email us at birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com

portland OR adoption conference

2011-10-29T11:11:00.000-07:00

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aloha!

Do you live in the pacific NW?

Then come to the FSA conference on Nov 5th!

'ONE LOVE'

classes for birthparents, classes for adoptive couples, class for hopefuls.

see you there!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hey birthmoms!

friday night, nov 4th, we are gonna party it up! join us!

birthmothers - fun and fabulous!

wear pink and be ready to get your skate on!

catchy title

2011-10-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

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once again, happy sunday!

psychedelic style

you know it!

2011-10-16T16:25:00.000-07:00

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todays post comes courtesy of michelle, author of not quite juno.

Guest Blogger: its so easy to blame others

2011-10-13T08:03:00.000-07:00

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My name is Chelsie Burke. I placed a baby boy up for adoption July of 1999. My back story is I was always at odds with my own mother. We fought constantly and with me being a high school senior with a boyfriend and a full time job and many extra curricular activities before and after school I figured I could take it but on the Fourth of July of 98 it just became TOO much for me and I moved in with my boyfriend. We both struggled with the decision because I severed ties with my whole family when I stopped talking to my mom and I was moving in with his parents and sister as well as him. I found out I was pregnant in November but I kept it to myself until the end of December. My bf's first response was 'get rid of 'IT' here is some money' but it broke my heart to think I would never know this part of me so I stalled until I turned 18.

I contacted an adoption agency and went in the next day. The counselor was shocked at how sure I was about my decision and gave me a folder of 'possible candidates' it took me a few days but I picked two and went from there. The first couple I saw right through them, they weren't being themselves and even brought their other adoptive child in the middle of the day and he was all over the place. I practically knew RIGHT away that the match wasn't made. We scheduled to meet the next couple a few days later. It was honestly love at first sight. The mom and I immediately started gabbing and we go along so well. They came without their other adoptive son and you could tell they had both been at work which impressed me. I saw they weren't trying too hard and they were nervous so I knew they were the right match for me.

I was nervous when I heard it would have to be a 'match' before we could move on. So I sat around waiting for the 'call' and it took a few days but when it came in I was ecstatic! We had a couple of meetings after that to 'get to know each other' but this was May before we found them and spent June getting to know them. All the while I was in summer school trying to get an A in Senior English so I could graduate. Which I did. I graduated on July 8th, 1999. I was so glad I finally got that out of the way and I had something to be proud of. So I celebrated over the weekend and helped my boyfriend work on Saturday for 12 hours. At this time I was over 40 weeks pregnant and had ONE MORE appointment before my doctor wanted to proceed. Sadly I went into labor at 2:00am on Sunday and the parents weren't contacted until 11:00am and the baby was born at a little after 4:00 am so they missed the birth but they did make it and the SECOND I saw the mom with the baby I knew I had made the perfect decision. I will never regret that feeling either. I had a sense of calm that just overcame me and left with peace of mind knowing my decision was the best for each and every person involved(I should add I graduated High School THREE days before giving birth and I was two days late at that point).

At first we had quarterly visits and monthly phone calls until he turned one. At one it was six month visits and still monthly phone calls. Then we had both decided that from then on we would wean the phone calls and only do emails and pictures with a promise to get them on his birthday and then any others were just an added bonus. It was a good situation until he was nine. Each year around his birthday I would get updates about his schooling, his sports, where they were currently residing, and other activities and vacations. At nine those emails stopped. I attempted to email them but my email was just bounced back. I was left DUMBFOUNDED! Needless to say I spent his birthday so sad and in tears. To make matters worse I wasn't with the same guy anymore since he asked me to 'take care of IT' I couldn't trust him or even look at him without being furious. Also my current boyfriends ex wives birthday is on the SAME day as my birth sons and they have a daughter together so its really hard for me to just forget the day because we are always talking about it around that time with schedules and phone calls and dinners.

So here I am today. For years I just thought it was a miscommunication, they lost my email and changed theirs. They have moved a few times and so its hard for me to pin point if they are in the Mid-West or in my same state. It never even occurred to me that my adoption could close on me. I am also tried to speak with someone at the agency but somehow I was being put into a voicemail that wasn’t in use and kept slipping through the cracks. So in January I thought I would give finding them on Facebook a try. I found the dad first off and tried the mom but she wasn’t on there so I sent an email to the dad just asking for an update and pics that I could keep. The email went unanswered until March when I searched for his mom again, YES she has a Facebook now! I was ecstatic! Her and I got along so well I thought I would hear right back from her. Well its now September and she hasn’t responded. To answer any question yes both of them have been back on Facebook since I attempted to contact them. Since my first attempt with the dad his has become private and the mom just didn’t respond. Its sad to me to think these were people I trusted and loved and got along with so well and here I am 12 and a half years later wondering what I could have done wrong to make them want to cut all communication with me? I have racked my brain thinking of things I could have said to either of them and nothing comes to mind.

How does one cope? Well for a couple of years I would just eat myself silly. I would go on complete food binges starting the day before his birthday and would stop 3 days after which in Arizona is the day I signed over custody. When you have no one to lean on it becomes harder than one would think. I mean yes I have friends and a wonderful man who are HERE for me but they have NO clue what I am going through and therefore have no idea how to help me. I have spent the last 12 years getting ‘what I thought’ I needed in the department of adoption. It took me this happening to show me I wasn’t coping AT ALL. What I was doing was playing the deny game. I was denying numerous things like I was ok, that I didn’t hurt, that I didn’t miss this person who grew inside of me and worst of all I denied that I needed someone to talk too. I can't explain how angry I was at first about it. When you get treated in a hurtful manner its so easy to blame others and be angry and take it the wrong way, though yes I agree that there is no other way to take the disconnect of your child initially. Now its years after that initial anger and hurt and I think I am doing better.

Yes I am sad still and I spent his birthday this year being torn into different directions emotionally, but I am now connected. I have other birth mom's to connect with, over the internet, and during my recent trip up to Washington I met a couple of WONDERFUL and AMAZING people who themselves who were adopted plus their mom and dad plus what I didn't know is my best friends husband is adopted as well. I was more connected than I though I was and I am amazed by it. Though I am still sad I have decided to look into the future to what will be. Just because I am not in contact with him and his parents today doesn't mean in the future we won't talk each year on his birthday when he is old enough to come to me on his own. I understand that its six years off but I am hopeful that when the time comes that he looks for me and would like for me to be a part of his life. Nothing about being a birth parent is easy. We make sacrifices in life so not only our children but their parents will have enriched and full lives. Making the 'ultimate' life choice for my child to not be raised by me an 18 year old who didn't know how to support herself let alone a newborn baby was hard and challenging but it showed me that no matter how 'adult' I thought I wasn't at the time it showed me how adult I was willing to be when it came to my child and his future.

I still get head nods, gasps and told how selfish I am for my actions. The phrase 'Well if you are old enough to have sex than you are old enough to raise a child' still drives me nuts. Luckily the understanding people and the word 'selfless' comes out more often which just tells me I will never regret my choice even with the hardships I am currently managing with this.

MY experience = mine.

2011-10-10T11:10:00.000-07:00

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It needs to be said- for my sanity, and to offer support to every other woman who has a similar experience to mine.

Let me start by reminding the masses that if you know me at all, you know that I am a true friend to many adoptive couples and hopeful adoptive couples. I host an annual adoptive couples retreat just because I love them so much. I would think it is even safe to say that 95 percent of my friends struggle with infertility and/or are hopeful adoptive couples.

I know first hand the struggles of infertility. I have experienced it. I survived the loss of two precious babies in first and second trimester, and the partial loss of my reproductive organs. It was devastating. It broke my heart. I was angry, sad, bitter, hurt, and stressed. I was even told the chances of me birthing children in the future weren't that great. After surviving all that, the Lord has blessed me with the ability to carry a child and I am beyond thankful everyday for that chance. My gratitude is between the Lord and I. I do not need to prove that gratitude to anybody else = my facebook friends, my blog followers, acquaintances, etc.

Here is why I'm upset.

Every. single. time. that I have made mention of any of my current pregnancy symptoms and difficulties

- both medically diagnosed and emotional,

without fail

at least one person who suffers from infertility has told me to "be quiet and be thankful".

These passive aggressive reminders have been sent both in private messages and in public comments on my personal blog and facebook page.

I will admit, it too annoys me when women endlessly complain in public about every. little. last. uncomfortable. ailment. regarding their pregnancy.
I will admit I have indeed complained at times about the effects of this pregnancy on my health, my body and my emotions.

Let the record be noted, being pregnant can really suck sometimes.

Especially for me.

(I know I am not alone in this truth.)

I will offer an unnecessary brief background for those that are not familiar with my health issues... I lost 35 pounds in a matter of weeks due to constant vomiting and was diagnosed with severe hyperemesis gravidarum . I literally couldn't even walk into my own kitchen or open my fridge without vomiting. My only option for basic nutritional support was to be hooked up to an IV every day for a few hours. Even this was difficult, as my veins collapsed too many times to count and left the nurses with few options. No medication has eased this medical problem, neither has 'time'. I have crippling migraines that have left me in the ER. During my first pregnancy, I had to have my appendix removed. The list goes on, but I will not bore you with it, nor is it any of your business.

I have every right to complain about these things. You have NO right to tell me that I don't.

This is MY experience.

The majority of my posts on my personal blog and facebook have been happily sharing how excited I am to receive this new life into my home. Yet I am still told to stop complaining, be thankful, etc. Maybe I should feel sorry that it offends you that I am complaining a little about the fact that I haven't eaten real food in months...but tough luck. I am gonna complain. If you don't want to hear/read it, don't.

I do not need to remind you that I am also a birthmother.
I too went through something tremendous. In fact, I still have hard days...ESPECIALLY while I am pregnant- I can't avoid all the time I have to simply sit here and think of all those moments I missed with Josie. Do you hear me spouting off and telling other birthmothers to 'be thankful' because even though they are struggling post placement, they got to hold their children first? no! Instead, I tell them how happy I am for them, that they got to have that birth experience. My adoption experience was mine, and theirs is, theirs- I respect that.

"... be thankful that I can bear children..." UGH!! so many times a day I am on my knees crying, thanking Him that I get to be responsible for this child! I shouldn't have to tell you that! I shouldn't have to defend myself!

To my friends suffering infertility....you just can NOT expect the world to sensor what they say to make YOU feel better. The choice to be offended is yours alone.
I choose to not take offense, nor can I expect people to say the politically correct or most emotionally sensitive thing ALL OF THE TIME about placing a baby. I don't want people to stop sharing their experiences nor do I want them to censor their experiences out of fear of what others might think!

This post is not meant to be mean or purposefully insensitive nor is it directed at any one individual; if you choose to not follow my blog or be my facebook friend anymore because of this post, I will respect that. However, it is important to me that you all know that it really hurts when I am deliberately told that I am not being grateful enough for this beautiful baby girl. It hurts when I am told I do not have the right to be annoyed or upset about things while I am pregnant.

We can all use the reminder "You never know what someone else is going through." Infertility is NOT the only issue. Placing a baby for adoption is NOT the only issue. Being adopted is NOT the only issue. Different people go through different/similar trials at different times. Each of our experiences are our own and are unique, even though they may be similar- this is a gift, for ourselves and each other.

I feel a strong love for every person/couple that struggles with infertility issues. Truly if I could find a way to bring every single one of you a baby into your home, I would. I say that with all the sincerity and love in my heart. But please don't make myself, and others like me, feel guilty about being pregnant and about sharing our pregnancy struggles.

And to my birthmother sisters- I hope you know that

I have a strong love for every. one. of. you.

(even if i don't know you IRL) I wish I could talk to you all, everyday, and give you a hug if you needed it. But please don't make those of us who are in a different part of life's journey (fertile, infertile, single parenting, etc) feel guilty about being pregnant [again].

luvs to you all, Jessa
Thank you muchas to birthMOM for helping me organize my emotions by editing/co-authoring this post.

still smiling!

Happy Sunday!!

2011-10-09T10:14:00.000-07:00

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Why our sudden switch to Unicorns and Rainbows Sundays??

People, all the time, tell birthMOM and I that this site focuses solely on the Unicorns and Rainbows of adoption. Not true. However, I don't dispute the fact that we focus on the positive...this is because I like to be happy. I choose to be happy. I don't want to sit around in misery all day long.

So here ya go!! More Unicorns and Rainbows.

I encourage you to focus on the positives...
be thankful for what you do have.

Adoption isn't perfect but neither is anything else.

Meet Gianna Jessen, Adoptee and Abortion Survivor

2011-10-07T20:41:00.000-07:00

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Meet Gianna Jessen, fellow adoptee, and abortion survivor:

The first time I talked to my bio-father on the phone, we weren't three minutes into the conversation when he said to me, "If you had been born 10 years later, you would have been an abortion." The only weekend I ever visited him, he told me the same thing three more times.

I understand it is politically correct in some circles to categorize adoption as a "parenting option," and abortion as a "reproductive choice." Please do not throw away your sensitivities on those intellectual semantics. It sickens me that many in our society are so hardened they have the ability to compartmentalize emotions and place diminutive value on life. Both options, adoption and abortion, are about a mother making choices for the future of a human being. Let's empower her to make that decision wisely. And obviously, adoption and abortion shouldn't be her only two options.

Abortion is a billion dollar industry. There's a huge profit motive to PR abortion as a "reproductive choice." Abortion is demographically unbalanced. In 2007, the abortion rate for whites was 13.8 per 1000 women ages 15-44. For blacks it was almost four times as high at 48.2 per 1000. Black women are more than 3 times as likely as white women to have an abortion, and Hispanic women are roughly 2 times as likely. 87% of abortions are obtained by women with household incomes under $60,000. The disparity of rates by race and income saddens me, because it is a symptom of limited education, opportunities, and yes, low societal value of the poor and minorities. Some have associated the racial disparity to genocide. As a woman of privilege, it is my duty to advocate for social change that will bring more enrichment, education, and value to all women. It is my duty to help all women understand their true worth.

eat up!

2011-10-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

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this is how skittles are made.
so eat up ladies, the world is waiting for another taste of the rainbow!

GIVEAWAY!!

2011-10-01T14:53:00.000-07:00

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First of all....i think one or two of you didn't get me your addresses from the last giveaway and therefore did not get your prize yet...they are waiting and ready!!! so email us at birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com and we will hook ya up!

Now... here is our next giveaway!

I met the lovely owners of Heartfelt Memories at the National FSA Conference!

i sat by them when i was hanging out with Ashley Hansen Bigler and The R House peeps!

they dealt with our loudness and obnoxious laughter...and sometimes joined in ;)

They volunteered to do a giveaway! i was super excited because they make the cutest adoption gifts! They have these scrapbooks that are GORGEOUS! My mom actually made one similar for Josie. It gives writing prompts on the bmom background and the bfather background....it asks questions and such and its all wrapped in an adorable package!

They have girls scrapbooks (for those of you placing little girls...or adopting little girls....or who have already placed little girls.)

They have boys scrapbooks (read the above parentheses and add boys in place of girls ...im lazy)

Here is a little diddy about their company

We created our company to help celebrate the adoption process and all of the lives that are touched by this most amazing of miracles. As we have commemorated adoption events in our own lives and those of our family members and friends, we noticed that there is a great lack of products that focus on adoption; the relationship between birth parents, children and adoptive parents; and the preservation of memories of this event. We believe that adoption is perhaps the most profound miracle in creating a family. So many lives become intertwined and so many hearts are touched.

We pledge that as we create the items that we sell, we do it with YOU in mind. All items are created one at time, in a basement bedroom that has been converted to our "craft room" in a home - not in a factory, not just printed off by computer or made by machine. Of course,we use these tools but all items are assembled by hand (with the exception of the teddy bears - which is WAAAAY out of our comfort zone) and made with love.

The most profound experience we have had is when we received an order at an adoption convention. A very pregnant birthmom fell in love with the traditional girls scrapbook and wanted one to give to her daughter when she was born and placed with her adoptive family. As we worked late into the night to create her book, the feelings of being part of something bigger than ourselves were overwhelming. The next day we were able to hand the completed scrapbook to that selfless birthmother

and it changed our lives. This is not just a business, it is a labor of love.

Although we cannot personally hand deliver your order to you, and we won't meet you face to face, we want to make your order with you and your story in mind. When you place your order, you will be asked to share your story. Please do - tell us why you are ordering the item - whether it is a congratulations card for your co-worker that has just adopted, or the "Empty Arms" set for the amazing birthmom who chose YOU to raise her child or a card to express your feelings to your child that you placed years ago. This helps us to create your items just for you.

So what is it exactly that we are giving away

One of these ADORABLE MINI SCRAPBOOKS of your choice!!

How to Enter...
Just follow the steps below!
(the ones that are not bolded already means they are not mandatory to enter!)

The Disgusting Display that was Glee

2011-09-28T20:11:00.000-07:00

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This is going to be an incredibly geeky post. but after watching Glee from Tuesday I was bugged.

-First thing they did wrong, Coach Sylvester telling Quinn she "lost her kid"
-Second thing they did wrong, incorrect adoption language....ALL OVER THE PLACE
-Third thing they did wrong, made Quinn totally out of control...i get grieving but this was out of control.
-Fourth thing they did wrong, Shelby trying waaaayyy to hard to get into Rachel's life. As a birthmother i understand her pain and wanting to be apart of her life. I also, however, believe in boundaries. If Josie doesn't want me to be part of her life one day then that is her choice and I will respect it.
-Fifth thing, plotting to get custody...pretending to be someone else....yucky...yucky...no no.

They did do a few things right,
- I liked that Shelby was trying to institute and open adoption. Telling Quinn she wanted her to be part of Beth's life.
-I also liked that Mr. Shu and Puckermann told Quinn how it really is and told her to grow up. She needed to hear it.
- I liked that Puckermann was so good about it. he really showed open adoption in the good light. Showing that open adoption only works when there is mutual respect and boundaries.

Really i am just annoyed with the way adoption gets so often poorly portrayed in the media. Open adoption is awesome. Adoption is absolutely beautiful. TV stop making teen moms all seem like these troubled teens who place because they could never be a good mom. that is not the only reason for placing. stop making it seem like you can never recover from placing for adoption. stop making us all seem like .... (for lack of better explanation)....like we are all crack whores who will never make anything of our life. STOP. do your research on CURRENT and COMMON adoption stories. they can be happy...most of them are. read our blog roll on the side millions of stories...happy ones.

Guest Blogger: Jacki--For Timothy

2011-09-26T06:12:00.000-07:00

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I met Jacki (unfortunately not IRL..yet?? lol) through one of my favorite sites in the whole world. which she runs...Mamas On A Dime it really is awesomesauce and i get tons of free stuff! Well one day I won a prize and in the email she sent me she asked me if she could guest blog!! Here is her entry. It reminded me a lot of this book:

For Timothy

“Tell me again. “ The little boy whispered.

“Again?” His mother asked, wondering how he never tired of this story. He snuggled deeper into his blankets and looked up expectantly. “Once upon a time, “ she started. “There was a very beautiful and talented young woman. She was a good person and she loved her family very much. But as she got older she made a few mistakes. And she soon found that she was pregnant.”

“That means she had a baby in her tummy, right?” The little boy asked, knowing the answer.

“Right.” Said his mother. “She had a baby in her tummy. But she wasn’t married to the baby’s father. And she was still in high school so she didn’t know what to do. She told her family and they were all very nice to her. Her mom took her to the doctor and to a lady who could her decide what to do with the baby.”

“She’s called a counts-all-her, isn’t she?”

“A counselor, yes. Well, the counselor helped the young woman decided to let someone else raise her baby. That’s called adoption. So she looked at pictures and read letters until she found the family she thought should raise her baby.”

“That was you and daddy.” The little boy said matter of factly.

“Yes.” His mother answered as tears fell down her cheeks. “And that’s why you’re my little boy.” She stopped, ready to go to bed; as this was where the story usually ended. But the little boy had more to say tonight.

“Are you happy I’m your little boy?”

“Extremely happy.” She answered, surprised.

“Then why are you crying?”

She paused for a moment wondering how much he could understand. “There are a lot of reasons I’m crying. One is because I’m so happy you’re my little boy. I’m happy that I get to kiss you goodnight. And hold you when you cry. I’m happy I get to see your smiling face every day and to hear your wonderful laughter. But I’m also sad. Because your real mommy doesn’t get to do or hear all those things. Because I know she loves you just as much as I do.”

“Mommy,” he said very quietly. She knew by the look on his face something was troubling him. She also knew this would be a new question, one she hadn’t answered before. “Didn’t she want me?” He whispered. “Didn’t my real mommy want to keep me with her?”

His mother tried to breathe as the tears cascaded down her cheeks. “Oh baby,” She whispered and pulled him into her arms. “She wanted you so much. She wanted to hold you every day just like I’m holding you now. But she loved you too much. She didn’t think she would be a good enough mother for you. Not then. She was too young. She wanted you to have more. So she gave you to me and daddy. Because she wanted you to be happy. And she wasn’t sure if she could make you happy. But most of all,” she hugged him tighter. “She loved you way more than she loved herself.”

She laid the little boy back on his bed and kissed his forehead. “I love you.” She said

“I love you, too.” He told her. “And I love my real mommy too. Because she loved me so much she gave me to you.”

His mother wiped at her tears, turned off the light, and shut the door.

Somewhere, far away, a young woman lay in her bed thinking of her son. And suddenly an overwhelming feeling of love came upon her. And, again, she knew that she had made the right decision when she gave her son up for adoption.

its still sunday in OR

2011-09-25T23:47:00.000-07:00

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we decided this was going to be a sunday thing for awhile.

Guest Blogger: reflections after retreat

2011-09-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

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the annual birthmother retreat in WA is the second weekend in september. here are the reflections of one birthmother who chooses to remain anon.

The birthmother retreat is an eye opening experience. So many beautiful, loving, kind women. They have sacrificed the ultimate sacrifice...life. They gave up a year of their life to grow a baby and bring him or her into the world and give them and a couple a chance to have something special. There are couples out there who can't conceive a child on their own and want to adopt. These birth mothers' are in a position where maybe they can't provide for these babies the things they feel are most important.

We all shared our adoption stories- what is so sad to me is how one caseworker who previously taught the adoption class to prospective parents at a particular agency, could do so much damage to so many and then not take responsibility for it. What an outrage!!! What a difference in experiences at the retreat between birthmothers and adoptive couples from the era of that old caseworker compared to the caseworkers at the agency who instruct adoptive couples now. It's amazing to me how un-Christlike some of these adoptive couples are. How dare you call yourself a latter-day saint!!! They have treated their birth mom so horribly and after the amazing gift they were given!! Seriously? Giving a baby up for adoption is a physically, emotionally, mentally exhausting, and heartbreaking experience. It's one that changes you forever, even if you go through repentance and move forward with your life.

Go to hell! That's the message I have for ungrateful, selfish, secretive, bullying, manipulative adoptive couples who have been given a child and have shut out the birth mom or not lived up to their end of the deal.

And to those who have shown love and kindness? God bless you for being such a saint to your birth mom. You are helping her and your child to know they are loved and appreciated and to know the truth.

I was thinking the other day about sexual sin that results in pregnancy. What if none of us had broken the law of chastity? What hope would there be for these childless couples? I guess they would have the opportunity to adopt a child who was involuntarily taken away from unfit parents, but there are only so many of those cases. Think of all the babies given up voluntarily to couples in hopes by the birth mom that they will have a better life. It really hurts to say that. That my child would be better off with someone else. Ouch.

I know for me, personally, I prayed and asked Heavenly Father what his will for my children was. Adoption was the answer. I am so blessed to have found wonderful, open, honest, loving families for my children. I love all of the birth moms I met at the retreat and the activities offered were healing to me in many ways.

some of the beautiful birthmothers that attended the 2011 retreat.
(none of which are the guest blogger.)

Unicorns and Rainbows

2011-09-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

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Just wanted to make sure that we do what everyone expects us to, it HAS been awhile after all ... Here is your latest dose of UNICORNS AND RAINBOWS since thats what adoption IS. gagging noises ensue

Please see Rain clouds and Lima Beans

Guest Blogger: Karissa--If I had the change I wouldn't go back and change what happened.

2011-09-09T13:06:00.000-07:00

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I have always wanted a big family; seven at the least and twelve at the most. When I placed Little Bear for adoption I wasn’t afraid he wouldn’t be sufficiently loved, but I did fear (it seems petty now) that he’d be raised as an only child since he was their first. Being an only child isn’t a bad thing, but I loved the relationships I had with my siblings growing up and I wanted Little Bear to have that himself.

Ten months after placement I received a phone call from my caseworker. She informed me that an expectant girl in a similar situation to my own wanted to place with Little Bear’s parents and asked if I would approve of the *Justice Family adopting another baby. Honestly, I was a little confused at first. I found it pretty ludicrous that they would call me for my permission, but since it hadn’t been a full year they were legally obligated to ask for my consent (or something along those lines)…

Needless to say, after the initial bewilderment had passed, I was ecstatic! I called my mom in tears to tell her the good news, e-mailed the Justice Family, and announced it on FaceBook right away. I couldn’t have been happier or more excited for Little Bear or his Parents. Oh, life was good and adoption was sweet. The Lord was working miracles and I felt my family was on the receiving end.

That happened in August of 2010, and in October of 2010 I was privileged enough to get to meet *Miss America at Little Bear’s first birthday. I was thrilled to finally be meeting this beautiful girl that was bringing such happiness into the family, but once I saw her everything became so terribly bitter.

I go into detail about how I felt here so I won’t repeat all of it, but the moment I saw Miss America I immediately remembered where I was when I was in her shoes—the pain, the guilt, the sorrow, the happiness, the anxiety, the fear. I hadn’t even thought of what she was going through up till this point and I felt awful because of it. Out of every single person there, I should have been the most sensitive to what she was experiencing, but I hadn’t been. That was truly the worst part about Little Bear becoming a big brother.

Now, the biggest problem I face is jealously. I love Miss America with all my heart, but she’s a lot better at taking advantage (and I don’t mean that in a bad way) of the amazing open adoptions we’ve been provided with. Since Little Bear has been born I’ve seen then maybe five times total. I know I can see them more, but I’m timid and I don’t want them to feel like I’m crampin’ their style. Ya dig? Well, Miss America goes over there a lot which is great, don’t get me wrong, but I’m afraid Little Bear is going to know Miss America more than me, or think she’s his birthmom, or worse… think I don’t love him as much as Miss America loves the baby she placed. Ahhh! My heart would explode.

On to a happier and less dramatic subject; since placement I’ve gotten married. I have now been married for fifteen whole months! Man, time sure does fly.

I met my husband when I was sixteen. We were friends, but didn’t have much contact until I was eighteen and three months pregnant. Throughout me pregnancy he was my best friend and gave me the most support. We hung out constantly and he helped me through a lot of my neurotic pre-placement episodes. Neither of us was looking for a romantic relationship (ahem, I was pregnant with a child that wasn’t his… just a tad bit awkward), but by the end of my pregnancy we were dating. Oh, how we tried to deny it (lol); anyway, three months after the placement he proposed (I said yes, duh) and four months later we were married.

In the beginning, the placement was hard (beyond hard, it was practically unbearable), but I have learned so much from the experience. I wouldn’t be finishing my education, married to a wonderful man, healthy, happy, and have an incredible extended family. I wouldn’t be as close to God and I know Little Bear wouldn’t have a life as good as the one as he has now or all the extra love. I know it’s cliché to say, but if I had the chance I wouldn’t go back and change what happened even though there were times when I wanted to die. I am stronger than I’ve ever been in my life and I am finally living life in a meaningful way.

My pregnancy, Little Bear, the adoption, the Justice Family—it all changed my life for the better and I will be eternally grateful for that.

Watching From the Sidelines

2011-09-05T05:47:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I attended a football game in a small, rural town in Central Illinois. My son Ben, a high school senior, was playing. It was a hot night, and the sea of corn stalks behind the field was as high as an elephant’s eye. You could smell the green of the crops. It would have been a perfect night for football, except that some team members got hurt. Injured players are the worst part of watching high school sports for me. When a player is down on the field, the coach and the team doctors take care of him. His mom stands on the sidelines and wonders if her son will be OK. She knows he’s in pain. She knows he’s vulnerable, but there’s nothing she can do. She wants to be with her son, but if she gave into her desire to run to him, it would only embarrass him and interfere with his care. So she just watches from the sidelines. I am sure dads feel some of that helplessness too.

During the game this past Friday night, the Quarterback went down in the 3rd quarter. The game paused while the doctors and coaches attended to him. I watched the QB’s mom watching her son. She tensed, she cursed from the sidelines. Her boy was surrounded by other adults trying care for him, and she couldn’t see what they were doing. She didn’t even know what was wrong with him. He was so far away in that moment. I felt for her. I knew she wanted to be at her son’s side and that she had to hold herself back. I talked to her about it later. “If I’d gone out on that field, I would have kicked Danny’s butt!” She said, “I would have told him to get up and back in the game. He was down way too long.” She had just the right attitude to be a quarterback's mother.

Eventually, Danny did get up and limped off the field while the crowd cheered. The mom looked relieved for a moment, but then the coach put Danny right back in the game. He played the 4^th quarter on a sprained ankle and with a bad leg cramp. He was obviously in pain. His mother could have told the coach not to play him anymore, and she would have been justified. If it were my son, I might have done that. But the QB’s mom did nothing. Danny’s mom is tough and also very wise. Even though the team lost, Danny was a hero in the moment. He was in pain, but he didn’t give up. And he certainly will not blame his mother for not coming to his rescue. He played his position well.

Now, relating this to adoption … As adoptees, we’re out on the field, and our parents, both adoptive and natural, are on the sidelines. We’re on our own. There were times when they weren’t there for us, and yet we stayed in the game. We sustained some injuries, but we kept playing because we were needed right where we were. We were tenacious. Think of those moments when you kept playing, even when you hurt. You threw the passes. You executed the plays. You are very strong, and will get stronger. Those thoughts can be healing for you. Because you really can be whole, and you've never been alone.

Birthmothers, I can’t begin to know what you go through. But experiences like being a football mother give me just a bit of compassion for your situation. Maybe sometimes you have felt like the QB’s mom on the sidelines, distanced from your child, not really knowing what was going on. You couldn't be at your child's side. Maybe you knew he was hurting, and you had to let others care for him instead of you. That has been so difficult. But your child plays the game without you at his side, and he plays well. Continue to support him. If you don't know where your child is or what he is doing, support him in your prayers. You can do that much for him. Your child is a hero. He plays a very important position. He is needed right where he is.

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Here's a video of me on the football field with Ben during pre-game last year. He's 16 years old in this clip. It was Mom's night, and we were being honored. Sorry it's poor quality. I haven't figured out editing yet. Still, it's worth 91 seconds of your life to watch this. Pay special attention to the last few seconds of the clip. Ben's exit is hilarious.

"I know I am not perfect" --Katy Vanderdoes--Guest Blogger

2011-08-24T13:49:00.000-07:00

My Name is Katy VanderDoes and I placed a baby boy for adoption in August of 2008. Around the time I became pregnant I was at my lowest of low, after being in an abusive relationship for 9 months and suffering in the end every type of abuse I felt used broken and alone. I didn’t tell many people what had happened it took me a year or so to tell my parents. Instead of venting to others I decided to deal with it myself, and my way of dealing with it was setting goals I knew I could not reach. I demanded perfection from myself each and every day; I became a social eater eating only when people would notice that I wasn’t eating. When I finally hit rock bottom I weighed around 88 pounds and was severely depressed. However on the outside and to others I just looked like an extremely skinny happy eighteen year old. I had a co-worker who convinced me that the boyfriend I had was cheating on me and didn’t want me, he was a marine stationed far way, he told me how horrible people in the military are and to be honest I believed him after all I thought who would want me anyway. I broke up with the marine and then a few days later ended up at my coworkers house so upset and in the end that night I made a choice that would not only change my life forever but it would change the life of a beautiful son of God.

I went home and I was so upset about what I had done I prayed to my heavenly father and asked him for help. I asked for the strength to get me through the horrible mess I had gotten myself into. That is when I knew I had to change I knew that I needed to find myself and I knew I needed to let go of the things that were holding me down.

The next 5 months I started eating better found a better job; let myself make mistakes without beating myself up of them. I found joy in baking for others and did things that made not only me happy but others happy too. I grew closer to my parents and to my loving heavenly father. I wrote Kyle a missionary that had been writing me faithfully for a year and a half, I couldn’t be happier. I was on the right track, it wasn’t until I had finally hit the 100 pound mark that I knew something was wrong I knew that the mistake I made 5 months back had not only affected me but it affected a sweet innocent baby.

I came home and I could have let the new that I was pregnant change me I could have gone back to my old ways at some point I know that I wanted to I know that I was so upset with myself for hurting the people I loved and even more so for hurting this little boy I was now carrying. But Kyle and my wonderful parents helped save me from my self. They helped me realize that I was a beautiful daughter of my heavenly father, and they supported me in my choice for adoption.

Kyle returned home and helped me through the final months of my pregnancy together we met the Dwelle’s the adoptive couple. When the day finally came for that little boy to come the Dwelle’s, my parents, and Kyle were all their in support of my and excited to meet him.

August 7^th 2008 Bryce Dwelle was born, and August 8^th 2008 I placed Bryce in the arms of his mother emotions we so high that day but I had such a wonderful feeling of comfort as I watch his parents hold him and love him. I knew that Bryce was going to be in a home with loving parents and with the knowledge that he is a wonderful child of his heavenly father.

5 months later Kyle and I were married, and a month after that we were able to see Bryce sealed to the Dwelle’s. It was such a wonderful experience. I am so grateful to have a close friendship with the Dwelle’s.

Throughout my journey I learned that I not only had to love myself and be myself but I had to learn to forgive others. I had to remember that no one is prefect and that our journey through life we are all bound to make mistakes. I also had to forgive myself and not hate myself for the foolish choices that I had made.

I know I am not perfect I know that I have my days where I struggle with myself but, all I have to remember is my heavenly father loves me and I can remember how wonderful I can be and how everyone on this earth is a son or daughter of God and the deserve to be treated as one.

Another year has come and gone....

2011-08-21T21:13:00.000-07:00

I can't even believe it. Little Josie Jeanne is another year older and wiser too!!! She is cuter than ever.

I was so lucky enough to get to see her for a little bit after the National FSA Conference! I really was so happy to spend some time with her....let me tell you this.....she is a hoot!! This little girl is hilarious.

At one point she got a little forceful with the waiter wanting to make sure he brought her spaghetti with ketchup. Which is hilarious because I am soooo picky and quite demanding when I go to restaurants. But the best moment of the night is when she looked at me and said, "you are my birthmom."

UH WHAAAA? This was amazing and shocking to hear. I wouldn't have figured that she was already learning and grasping the term. I must give kudos to her amazing family for making it no secret or thing of shame that she is adopted. It makes me feel peaceful knowing that she will know where she came from and that she will know that I love her. She is going to know that I am demanding at restaurants, She is going to know that I love spaghetti (however, i don't generally eat it with ketchup) We are going to be able to share our similarities with each other and laugh about them.

Three years has gone by and she went from this little tiny baby

To this beautiful growing girl!

She is gorgeous! For her birthday my husband and I went to dinner and talked about her. Tomorrow I will think about her lots. Its going to be interesting because we also find out the gender of our baby tomorrow. The day I placed her. I am happy though because now that date will hold TWO special memories.

I am so thankful for the blessings open adoption has brought me and for her family being ever so patient with me and working out our relationship to what it is today. Adoption is beautiful. I wouldn't change a thing about mine. I love it dearly. I love her dearly. I love them dearly. Happy Birthday Josie (yesterday :) ) and I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Till we meet again.

truth

2011-08-20T15:58:00.000-07:00

i have chosen to live the truth of these words.

everyday i taste the sweetness of

freedom and peace

that these words offer.

you?

Adoption in Hollywood

2011-08-14T19:41:00.000-07:00

I love drive-in movies. Fresh night air, relaxing in fold-up lounge chairs under the open stars, cheap popcorn, happy children, and playing Frisbee during intermission. This summer I promised my youngest son, Aaron, that we’d go every available weekend, provided he got chores done. I fear I am becoming lax in my old age - I began allowing him to view PG-13s at the tender age of 12 years, 6 months, whereas I made my three older children wait to age 13 (not a day before). Aaron and I share a special bond because we are both the Youngest Child of four siblings. As youngest children, we are destined to be at once annoying and adorable. We notice everything. We feel privileged because we get away with stuff our older sibs didn’t. We know how to stay out of the way (a survival skill if you have big brother), yet we will be stubborn if pushed too hard. We desperately want to be noticed, yet we refuse to overachieve. We don’t like heavy expectations placed upon us. Family members don’t appreciate how capable we are until we reach age 30, when our older siblings first notice that we’ve “grown up.” Had I not been adopted I would have been the oldest child instead of youngest. My lot would have been to be responsible, intense, type A. I don’t know if I would have liked that. I just don’t know. So I’ll just like who I’ve become instead. But I digress…

Back to the movies… Hollywood has produced some great adoptee characters through the decades, including Tarzan, Hercules, Superman, Luke Skywalker, Annie and even Darth Vader. Great Hollywood stories unfold amidst adoptees seeking identity. This seeking inevitably produces heroes and villains-- independent, adventuresome, and above all unique.

Of the “family” movies that Aaron and I watched this summer, three films -- Thor, Kung Fu Panda 2, and Planet of the Apes –center on adoption. But all eight movies illuminated an adoption light bulb for me. Orphan stories will also trigger feelings for me, because the quest to know one’s bio parentage is a familiar yearning.

Films I watched: Thor, Pirates 4, X-Men, Kung Fu Panda 2, Captain America, Cowboys and Aliens, Harry Potter and Planet of the Apes. Descriptions are below.

Here’s my quantitative analysis of how adoption was portrayed:
Positive view of adoption -1 movie (Kung Fu Panda 2)
Adoptees don’t fit in with a-family -5 movies (Thor, X-Men, Panda, Harry Potter, Apes)
Evil/chaotic/disturbed adoptee -4 movies (Thor, Pirates, X-Men, Apes)
Evil orphan that never got adopted -1 movie (Harry Potter – Lord Voldemort)
Hero adoptee/orphan -4 movies (Panda, Harry Potter, Captain America, Cowboy)
Good bio parents -4 movies (X-Men, Harry Potter, Apes)
Bad bio parents -3 movies (Thor, Pirates, Harry Potter – Tom Riddle, Sr.)
Good adoptive parents -3 movies (Thor, Panda, Apes)
Silly adoptive parents -1 movies (Harry Potter)
Bad adoptive parents -1 movies (X-Men – Prof Schmidt)

All of the good bio parents met with a violent death, with the exception of Panda's father. Two adoptive parents obtained their children through unethical means (Thor and Apes), yet we still see them as “good parents.” None of the films portrayed courageous bio parents who made a loving choice to place their child with another family; perhaps that’s because these types of adoptions produce regular people with low internal conflict – not exactly the material for a movie hero. Does Hollywood influence our culture’s perceptions of adoption? Or does Hollywood mirror our perceptions?

Kung Fu Panda 2 – Po the Panda’s mother is killed by the evil peacock Shen. Po is found and adopted by a goose. When Po discovers his past, he struggles for a while, and then realizes that he has lived a happy and fulfilling life despite this tragedy. Po attains Inner Peace, which allows him to conquer Shen and save the day.

Thor – Thor’s younger brother, Loki, is the classic evil adopted sibling. Odin, Thor’s father, steals Loki from the Frost Giants. Odin and Thor have kept Loki’s identity a secret, but he eventually figures it out. Loki is treacherous, betraying both his bio and adoptive families.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – From all of the previous HP books and films, we knows Harry is orphaned and then raised by his silly Aunt and Uncle. Harry is an adopted misfit, a square peg living amongst the round hole of the Dursley family. Harry’s arch nemesis is Lord Voldemort, whose non-adopted status turns him into a bitter child who turns to evil.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes – My favorite film of the summer. Caesar the Chimpanzee is adopted by scientist Will Rodman. Caesar eventually decides he is more comfortable with his own kind. He rejects his human upbringing to become leader of a new race of super-smart apes.

X-Men: First Class – The evil Dr. Schmidt murders Magneto’s mother and becomes a surrogate father of sorts. Meanwhile, the child Mystique moves in with the child Professor Xavier, taking on the role of an adopted sister. Magneto and Mystique, the Adopted Ones, turn to evil-- a reaction to their unstable childhoods and struggle for acceptance.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – Angelica’s “real father” is the dreaded pirate Blackbeard. (She is Jack Sparrow’s former lover). She reunites with Black Beard when she is grown up. Blackbeard is a stereotypical manipulative, ego-centric absent bio-dad.

Captain America: The First Avenger – Steve Rogers, a bullied scrawny orphan, volunteers for a medical experiment that turns him into Captain America. Not really an adoption theme, but there’s an orphan hero who wishes for different genetics.

Cowboys and Aliens – No adoption theme. Some adoptees might identify with the unnamed hero of the film who doesn’t know his past. This was my least favorite film of the summer.

A few more adoption-themed movies you might want to check out:

The Blind Side (2009) – Based on the true story of Leigh Anne and Sean Tuohy who take in a homeless teenage African-American, Michael Oher. Great football action, and an inspiration for prospective parents to consider adopting from foster care.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010) – Adopted street urchin kid becomes a prince who saves the world. Has conflicts with two bio brothers but reconciles at the end. I could relate to the sibling conflicts there.

The Spy Next Door (2010) – Teen girl is upset about not being biologically related to anyone she lives with. Jackie Chan, an orphan, reassures her that everybody can be family as long as there is love.

The Country Bears (2002) -- Beary Barrington, a young adopted bear raised by a human family in a world where humans and talking bears coexist, attempts to trace his roots and reconciles with his adoptive family.

Meet the Robinsons (2007) – My personal favorite, through and through. The most poignant part of the film for me is when Lewis travels back in time and witnesses his own relinquishment at the doorstep of an orphanage. He could try to stop his birthmom, or at least talk to her, but he doesn’t. That scene is packed with adoptee triggers.

What films remind you of adoption??? Please leave a comment

4th annual birthmother retreat!

2011-08-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

the retreat is for birthmothers of all ages and stages, even us non-mormons! expectant/hopeful birthmoms with an adoption plan are also welcome. the best airport to fly into is in seattle, wa. when you rsvp be sure to let the organizers know if you need a ride in the area.

*** if you are wanting to carpool from portland,

you must tell me, desha, deshawood at gmail,

the sooner the better as im leaving the country in 9 days

and wont be back till late the night before the retreat. ***

hope to see you there! its the best part of my year and i always plan my entire summer around this awesome event!

for more info and to ask any questions, refer to the facebook event page

Giveaway Winners! REVAMPED! MAKE SURE YOU READ IF YOU ENTERED!

2011-08-09T21:26:00.000-07:00

The winners of the book were chosen

The nomination picked by the author was
Hi Jessa! I am nominating Shaylee Rogers for the book giveaway... and anything else I get I'll probably send her way as well. She placed this past Sunday, and I had the amazing opportunity to watch her and be her mentor through her entire pregnancy. She made huge changes in her life, and it is awe-inspiring for me to look at the woman she has become as compared to the young girl she was when she first found out she was pregnant. Her love for her little boy brings back all the emotion I feel towards my own, and she has been so incredibly strong. I believe she deserves this book because she is new in this world and just like children, books help someone learn about and become comfortable with change. --nominated by Sterling Bo

The winner I chose
I would LOVE to nominate our AMAZING birthmother, Whitney Winter. We are so blessed to have her in our life and in Madden's life. I am constantly amazed at her courage, her strength and her genuine unselish love for us and for Madden. From the day we met, she has always tried so hard to make this experience be about our whole family, she is so thoughtful...simply put, she amazes me! We are lucky that we have a very open adoption and get to see her lots. Madden is very lucky to have so many people in her life that love her so much! -nominated by Cyd Jones

I had a tough time in choosing. There were a lot of awesome nominations and i wish everyone could win something! Now because some people did not contact us after they won we were forced to choose some new winners!!!

The winner of the Ruby Jane Boutique Gift Certificate is : Jodi Miskell

The winner of the Purse from Becky Payne Terry is: JaredandDevin

The winner of the Brielle Design Gift Certificate is: Coley

The winner of a necklace made by and adorable hopeful adoptive mom named Whitney is: Sterling Bo
The winner of the photo session (if you aren't in Utah go ahead and let me know): Jessica Morton

MAKE SURE TO EMAIL ME IF YOU WON!!! OR IF THE PERSON YOU NOMINATED WON!

Guest Blogger: My Story As an Adoptee

2011-08-07T10:56:00.000-07:00

This is a story by one of my favorite people in the whole world. For real! Alex is one of my favorite people because her personality is absolutely contagious. She has the most beautiful smile and is always so happy and pleasant to be around. Here is her story.

My name is Alexandria R@@@@@ and I am adopted. I was conceived just over twenty years ago in a circumstance maybe not so unique. A young high school couple, very much in love made one decision that would drastically change many lives. After learning of her pregnancy, Rachel* and Matthew* (*changed names for privacy) debated for a VERY long time whether to marry or to place me. They had many times of uncertainty in either choice but in the end, they decided that the best thing for them and for me was to place. They worked through LDS Family Services to find a deserving couple to be my mommy and daddy. Separately, they looked through many applications and by chance (or not really...) their first choices were the same: David and Cathy Rowley, happily married, Latter-day Saints, parents of one adopted 3-year old girl, and unable to conceive.

After 9 months of pregancy, 48 hours of drug-free labor and a few complications, I was born. I spent three days in the hospital with Rachel, Matthew and much of Rachel's family. The third day, I was given from my birthmother's arms to my new older sister's who carried me into my parents. My adoption was closed, but we (the Rowleys and Rachel/Rachel's family) opted to send letters, baby pictures and occasionally gifts through LDSFS. We used pen names and were not allowed to give any personal information (i.e. addresses, real names, phone numbers, etc.). To keep this story semi-short, after many no-less-than-MIRACULOUS events, when I was 13 months old, against the will of LDSFS my agent, Karen Callaway allowed my mother, myself, Rachel and her mother to meet in her (Karen's) home. From then on, we were all involved frequently in each others' lives. I remember having sleepovers at Grandma Daleann's (Rachel's mom) house and swimming at Granny Preece's (Rachel's grandma), riding around in Rachel's VW Bus and getting Hardy's while just hanging out and learning American Sign Language from her. Spending time with "my whole family" at the zoo, on holidays, etc. etc. My next-door neighbors (and best friend) were adopted too, so we understood each others' circumstances, even when the other kids "just didn't get why our parents didn't want us". From the very beginning, I knew exactly where I came from, exactly who I was. Nothing was hidden or sugar-coated. I also knew from the very beginning, of my own accord, that I was exactly where I was meant to be. Cathy and Dave were my mommy and daddy and I could NOT ask for better parents.

I was an extremely happy child, I think even happier because I knew I was adopted. It doesn't make sense to me, because I am just starting to understand why I love my life as an adopted person, but back then, it was probably a pride thing, to be different AND happy. I loved it. Granted, when I got older and started to understand more, I had questions, frustrations and times of sadness, but someone was always there to explain, listen and love me. Up to middle-school now, and still no contact with my biological father. This was the brunt of my occasional bouts of frustration and sadness. "I would rather know neither of them than just one.", "If SHE can know me, why can't he?", "Does he not care about me? Was I just a bad choice that he repented of and forgot?" I had a home video of him in his high school musical "Brigadoon" wherein he played Charlie and sang the song "Come to me, Bend to me". I found this video and watched it three times in a row. My mom found me in a complete fit of hysterics and told me that if I was going to react like that, she wouldn't allow me to watch it anymore. I promised that I was okay, just having hormonal issues and wanted to cry. But really, at the time, I felt like I was dying. I wished that he was singing that song to me, "Come to me, bend to me, kiss me good day. Darlin', my darlin', 'tis all I can say." I wanted SO BADLY to meet my birthdad, and after a few attempts over the 13 years or so to contact him, by then I had given up. That night, I resolved my emotional conflict and said to Heavenly Father, "If I don't get to meet him in this life, I know we will meet in Heaven."

Once again, to keep it short, when I was about 16, he called me. We talked on the phone and learned a little bit of each other in the short 45 minutes we had to talk. There was no promise or even mention of meeting in the future. Merely a glimmer of hope to speak again at some point in time. No contact for another year, until he texted me the morning of my birthday. No contact for almost another year, the middle of August 2009. About a week later he decided it was high-time to meet. August 23, 2009 was the day my biggest childhood dream came true. Since then, I have been highly involved in his and his entire family's lives. I am actually currently living in his home, away from my parents for college. Yes, that's right. LIVING with him, his amazing wife and his six unbelievable children (all of which know that I am his daughter). Right now. In their spare bedroom where I am typing this.

To all of those who think that adopted children could never grow up happily knowing they're adopted, PLEASE take into consideration my story and many others that are equally happy. My older sister is in contact with her birthmother and his happy, my younger brother is in contact with his birthparents and is happy, my childhood neighbor/best friend is VERY recently in contact with her birthmother and is happy (she was also happy BEFORE she was ever in contact with her), my birthmother's best friend is in contact with the girl she placed not too long before I was and is happy. ADOPTION IS HAPPY. I LOVE my life as an adopted person. I have SIX parents (Mommy and Daddy, Matthew and wife, and Rachel and husband) all of whom I love more than I can possibly convey. I have ELEVEN siblings (2 with Cathy and Dave, 6 with Matthew and wife and 3 with Rachel and husband) all of whom I love more than I can possibly convey. My life is happy, my adoption is happy, I am happy.

My name is Alexandria Rowley and I am adopted.
If you have any questions or comments, you can find me on facebook (http://www.facebook.com/alexandriaroliepolie) where I would be more than happy to be in contact with you.

Winners Winners

2011-08-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

We need a few days to look over the nominations for the books, so don't fret about those 2 prizes if you didn't win here!! If you did not leave your email addy email us at birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com within 48 hours or a new winner will be chosen!

The winner of the Ruby Jane Boutique Gift Certificate is : Genesis

The winner of the Purse from Becky Payne Terry is: JaredandDevin

The winner of the Brielle Design Gift Certificate is: Coley

The winner of a necklace made my and adorable hopeful adoptive mom named Whitney is: Mary

The winner of the photo session (if you aren't in Utah go ahead and let me know): Tiffanie

Stay tuned for the book choices!!! There will be 2 books going out. One chosen by by us and one hand picked by the author!!!

Make sure to check out all the nice people who donated!! All their websites or emails are linked on our Giveaway Post

What is so good about being a birthmother?

2011-08-04T20:48:00.000-07:00

I received the following on our b4a fb page:

Why do you advocate adoption? Is it because you think you will be a scandal and bad example to your 'illegitimate' child? Or do you think you are too poor? Or do you think you are too uneducated? Or do you think you should not parent without a husband? I would love to know what is so good about being a 'birthmother', whatever that is. There is no such thing as a birthmother, in fact. The ***person*** who gives the child birth is its mother. What kind of a mother, is the vital question. Is she an abandoner? Is she lacking capacity?

My answer for this is far too long for facebook.

It never ceases to amaze me when i get called an abandoner. Or when my love for my sweet birthdaughter is questioned.

To answer your questions

I wasn't afraid of being a bad example.

I did feel I was poor, but that is not why I placed.

I was/am uneducated, but hat is not why I placed.

I did feel very strongly I shouldn't parent without a husband, that is not why I placed.

I placed because I knew with every fiber of my being. With every bit of my soul. That the baby I was carrying inside of my womb was meant for so much more. That she deserved so much more.

If you want to know more about how I feel you can read this post

To answer your second set of questions:

What is so great about being a birthmother? Oh where do I even begin? So much is great about it. Yes, at times it is filled with great sorrow, hardship, and tears. But 99 percent of the time for me it is filled with so much more.

I get to see my beautiful and ever so talented birthdaughter grow up with two parents. I get to see her have pets. . . oh the pets ... pet pigs, dogs, and sheep. I get to hear of her adventures. I get to witness her growth. I get to hear her speak, hear her laugh, and i get to hear her ask silly questions. I get to see her grow an understanding of where she came from, and who she came from. I have seen a family become complete.

As a birthmother I have met many many others in similar situations. I have heard many other success stories. I have made life long friends. I have learned of the hardships of infertility. I have learned of the joys of placing. I have found God's love for myself.

A birthmother is not lacking in capacity. It is quite the opposite. A birthmother is booming with capacity. So much so she was willing to do what was best for her child. A birthmother has so much strength she was able to do one of the hardest things one can do.

My child was not abandoned. She was not cast to the side like an unwanted object. She was carefully placed into a loving home with a prayer and a blessing. Everytime i see her I have a reaffirmation that what I did was right. And nobody can change that.

remember when...

2011-08-03T12:59:00.000-07:00

... i talked about loving les miserable? (i especially love the adoption connection)

my reward to myself for completing the medical science board exams yesterday - by far the HARDest test i have ever taken, is a front and center ticket (were talking the dead center seat on row 6) to see the production TONIGHT!

can i get a squeeeeee?? yeah baby!

of course im going to bawl the entire time- beautiful music, beautiful story, beautiful sentiments, beautiful love triangles of sacrifice. perfection.

Music Stills The Soul

2011-08-02T14:09:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard how music can "calm your soul" or help to fix a broken heart (as well do the opposite for you depending on the type of music). I have always believed this and so when I placed my little boy for adoption I gave his parents a cd with songs that would always remind me of him. I recently bought an iPod for him and plan to put those songs and some additional songs on it as well for him.

There are times when emotions get to strong, hard to handle, and difficult for you to talk to anyone about (especially if they don't understand the situation or what you have been through). There are times I really just need a good cry to deal with missing Mr. B. I am still living in the community I was when I made the choice to place him for adoption but I didn't have much support from my community so beside my husband and mom, I really don't talk to many people about my choice. My husband even has guys at his work make comments to him about how I was before I placed Mr. B and how he's lucky I didn't "get rid of" his daughter's. I know this upsets my husband, so I try not to show too strong of feelings about their comments, but I normally get overwhelmed by my emotions.

At times like this I go for a drive and put on my copy of the cd I made for Mr. B or take my iPod and go for a run and listen to a playlist I have made to help me think about him in a more healthy way.

Here is a list of songs that I have on the cd and my playlist (some of these have a more personal meaning so I'll explain by them if they don't seem to directly pertain to adoption):

1. To Whom It May Concern - Creed (this song made me think about Mr. B after I placed him because it talks about how time keeps moving even when you're not ready for it to)
2. I Just Close My Eyes - Mark Wills
3. Home to Stay - Josh Groban
4. February Song - Josh Groban (Mr. B's birthday is in February)
5. When You Love Someone - Bryan Adams
6. There You'll Be - Faith Hill
7. The Dance - Garth Brooks
8. Tonight I Wanna Cry - Keith Urban
9. When I Close My Eyes - Kenny Chesney
10. I Can Still Feel You - Collin Raye
11. One More Day - Lonestar
12. What Hurts the Most - Mark Wills (or Rascal Flatts, I personally like the Mark Wills version better)
13. If I Never Knew You - Jon Secada/Shanice (from Pocahontas)
14. How to Save a Life - The Fray
15. Leave Out All the Rest - Linkin Park
16. Baby Mine - Alison Krauss (from Dumbo)
17. The Prayer - Josh Groban
18. Starts with Goodbye - Carrie Underwood
19. Lullabye - Jordan Bluth
20. River Lullaby - from the Prince of Egypt
21. I Give You to His Heart - Alison Krauss
22. Your Guardian Angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus (this was the song I was listening to when I got the first impression I might be pregnant with Mr. B)

I love these songs because they bring me back to holding Mr. B and to all the times I've seen him. I actually have nearly 100 songs on my playlist for him. I also hav a playlist for both of my daughters for my drive to and from nursing school this fall. I've also made a playlist for my husband and one for my dad (who passed away in '94).

What are some songs you do have or would have to listen to when your having a hard day? Do you have any songs that are special for a particular reason? Like the song "So Close" is my husband's favorite song to dance with me. I know he's going to be romantic (which is rare for him) when he turns that song on.

Share your feelings about the benefit of music and any songs you think work with your adoption situation or any other special situation in your life.

*Shanna*

GIVEAWAY! INFO you need to know!

2011-08-01T21:09:00.000-07:00

It is soooo important that you put a comment with your email addy letting us know you completed the task as well because it doesn't record your name! Dont forget!! Or you will not win!!!

BIRTHDAY GIVEAWAY EXTRAVAGANZA!!!

2011-07-29T16:10:00.000-07:00

Our giveaway is to celebrate the birthdays of our birthchildren, born on the same day, birthMOM's was in July and mine is in August. This giveaway will end AUGUST 6, 2011 at MIDNITE mst

Our prizes for our giveaway are:

2 lovely individuals will be winning a Once Upon A Time: An Adoption Story by the beautiful Ashley Hansen Bigler. Not only has she adopted 3 times domestically but she just adopted again from Taiwan. She wrote this wonderful book that is ESSENTIAL in every Adoptive Family, Adoptee, Birthmother's Home!!

Another lovely individual will be winning a 10 dollar gift certificate to Ruby Jane Boutique
This amazing little shop is run by a wonderful adoptive mom of 3! They have lots of cute hairbows, hairclips, and pins. they are beautiful and they are all handmade!

Another lovely individual will be winning a wonderful purse from Becky Terry. If you want to order a purse from Becky email her at bexsta95@yahoo.com

ANOTHER lovely individual will be winning 1 item(12 dollars or less) from Brielle Design. Her shop isn't connected with adoption but i love pretty much everything in her shop...therefore it rocks! lol.

LASTLY a UTAHN (somewhere between Provo and Logan) Will win a 1 hr all pics included photo shoot from me

So How do you enter you ask??
for the book someone has to be nominated. tell me why they deserve it. Send a blurb (50 words or less) and a picture and tell me why they could use this book. A little about their adoption connection etc. birthmothers4adoption {at} gmail {dot} com

For everything else

FILL THIS OUT (each checkbox is an extra entry) and let Random.Org do the rest!

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Loading...&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

I smell a giveaway.....

2011-07-29T07:13:00.000-07:00

We are going to be having a giveaway! Here is what you have to do to prepare.....

Think of someone you want to nominate. They have to have some form of connection to adoption.
Tell us in 50 words or less why they are awesome. Include a picture of this awesome person!

We will be giving away NOT ONE but TWO different prizes. So I shall post the deets lata!!!!

OUR NEW LOGO!!

2011-07-28T16:28:00.000-07:00

So, we didn't get a whole lot of logo submissions but there is one that Desha and I really loved!

This was made by Jessica Lepinski. I think it is so beautiful! Here is her story that she included with it:

I've been browsing the blog for a while now and wanted to find some way to participate and support and though logos aren't my strong point I put one together anyway. When I put it together my main thoughts were family, and love, which is what adoption means to me. Two of my four nieces and nephews were adopted, and when they were placed in a family it came with the bonus of an extended family which means me, and other aunts and uncles, cousins, as well as grandma and grandpa, get to have the wonderful experience of having these children in our lives. In the logo I tried to emphasize the heart shapes for love--I'm a nerd like that-- as well as give the birth-mother a thoughtful pose as she contemplates her choices.

The logo design was inspired by my niece Addison's birthmom. She is an amazing, strong-willed, beautiful woman. I wouldn't doubt she'd have made, and will make, a wonderful mother, but she wanted her baby to have a father. Her favorite picture of Addison is when she was brand new and at the hospital, looking up at her Daddy (my oldest brother) for the first time. I know that Addie's birthmom had families and love in the forefront of her mind when she made the decisions for Addie's future, and that's what I attempted to portray in the logo.

We adore this logo and hope our readers love it too!!

Maintaining a Good Relationship

2011-07-27T17:57:00.000-07:00

I was texting Josie's adoptive mom today and it got me thinking. What the heck made our relationship so successful and is keeping it that way? Especially because I struggled so much in the beginning. . .

I was talking to other bmoms and amoms about this recently and here is a list of things I figured out are surefire ways to make it successful and HEALTHY!

1- Maintain healthy and respectful boundaries

a. I found that if you are respectful of the acouple they will be respectful of you (minus the few freak couples...but if you are freaking out about your couple stop and figure out what you could be doing wrong.)

b.as stated in an earlier post know when to say when. If you feel you need healing time, Take IT! you will be much happier in the long run even if it sucks for a while.

2-Realize (however unpleasant) that although the child is your flesh and blood he/she is no longer YOURS

a. yeah, its is not easy to grasp for some people at first but it is important to understand. I have heard many girls that do have a healthy relationship say its like visiting a cousin, niece, or nephew. you have fun when you hang out but you know you will see them again and they know you love them muchas!

b. most a-couples i have talked to said they felt the need to back off a little because the b-mom or b-dad was trying to be mommy or daddy number 2 and help parent etc.

3-Be willing to go with the flow

a. realize that visits may not go as planned. children are unpredictable. children get sick. plans change. don't get butt-hurt.

- -What are your ways to keep your adoption super healthy ???? DO SHARE!!- -

gotta theme?

2011-07-19T00:05:00.000-07:00

if you were in charge of an adoption themed conference, one that offers education, support and classes on all things adoption- for all members of the triad,

what would be your best 'theme' idea?

im not in charge of such an event, but happen to know some that are ;-)

ps. going to the national families supporting adoption (fsa) conference? hurry and make arrangements to get there! soooo many birthmoms in one place!

Giving Back. COMMENT PLEASE!

2011-07-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

As a birthparent, birthgrandparent, even adoptee or adoptive couple......

What is your favorite way to give back?

What way was the most helpful for you?

Where did you receive the most help from others giving back (i.e. group, blogs, etc)

Please comment, and only comment if you are okay with it being in a class!

Thanks LOVE you all!

Hope to see you at the FSA national conference in Layton, Ut. Also there will be a girl's nite hosted by The R House on Thursday nite before the conference!

2011-07-08T21:47:00.000-07:00

I have come to grips with my adoption; I would never change anything, now three and a half years through it, but there are times that I still struggle. The other day I saw my little guy's birth father and it put knots in my stomach. Now that I'm married and starting my own family, part of me feels that it shouldn't bother me, but it really does. He looked at me, or more likely stared me down, and I suddenly felt a lot of shame. I was standing there with the man I have committed my life to and there was someone else there that knew me before I had had a child. Someone that I would have to say was my 'first love'. Someone that I still felt some emotion towards. My emotion isn't really anger against him and the choices he made. It was hurt for my husband because I felt that in some way I had betrayed him before I even knew him. I felt him tense, watched his face darken, and his arm grip my sides closer. Should I be flattered by this protective behavior or nervous that he doesn't trust me? How would any of you (or have any of you) responded to this?

It's a really small community and since we have moved here, we keep bumping in to him. At first I thought it was coincidence but it kept happening more and more frequently, from him applying for work where my husband works, to him hanging out with people that live in the same apartment complex we live and standing right near our door. My emotions are out of control. Have any of you ever worried about the birth father coming back in to your life? Or making things miserable for you later?

I'm sorry that this post inspirational or thought provoking. ~shanna

ntl FSA conference coming up!

2011-07-07T15:11:00.000-07:00

jessa will be teaching a class!!

Was my adoption God’s plan?

2011-07-05T10:32:00.000-07:00

Is adoption God’s plan? Consider some Argentinean adoptions of yesteryear, as described on an NPR.org blog post on March 9, 2011:

During the mid 1970s the Argentine military set up a baby-redistribution network, headquartered at the Campo de Mayo Hospital and the Escuela Mecanica de la Armada in Argentina. Fact-finding commissions have established that the regime systematically kidnapped young parents who expressed left-wing sympathies, then killed those parents, dropping many of them alive from airplanes into the ocean. If the women were pregnant, the regime created maternity wards where mothers were drugged or forced (their hands and feet tied to the beds) to have cesarean sections to accelerate birth. If they survived childbirth, they were murdered.
Francisco Madariaga was born at the Campo de Mayo hospital in 1977. His mother is presumed dead. Francisco was then adopted by an intelligence officer at that same hospital. This was not unusual. Children were regularly handed over to police or soldier families more friendly to the regime. That way, the junta would not only eliminate its political opponents; it would steal their children. Kids who might have grown up thinking like their parents would now grow up thinking like their parents' enemies. This was a double erasure.

Francisco was renamed "Alejandro" and was not told that he'd been adopted. He noticed that with his droopy-looking eyelids, his coloring, he looked nothing like his parents. His father regularly beat him. He felt uneasy. "It is something difficult to explain," he told the BBC. "It's like I always knew something was not right…"

I recommend you read all of this amazing story:
http://www.npr.org/blogs/krulwich/2011/03/09/134364175/where-did-i-come-from-these-stolen-children-don-t-want-to-know?print=1

Was Francisco/Alejandro Madariaga’s adoption God’s plan? I would argue that his adoption was contrary to the will of God, as God does not use murder and conspiracy to accomplish His purposes. No laws were broken in my adoption, but like Madariaga’s, it was riddled with meanness and it began with a mother who had left-wing sympathies and with adoptive parents who thought like her political opponents. I wasn’t prepared to hear my first mother’s story when we reunited 31 years later. This is what I imagined she would say:

“I loved you so much, but I wasn’t ready to take care of you. I wanted the very best for you, and so did your birth father. I am so proud of who you’ve become. I know I made the right decision.”

But here was the truth of it:

“I was depressed and alone. Your birth father wouldn’t support me. I didn’t have support from anyone. My aunt and uncle pressured me. The social workers pressured me. They made it hard for me to visit you in foster care. A terrible injustice was done do me. I regret my decision. This was not God’s plan.”

Well, dang. Abandonment, pressure, manipulation, injustice—definitely not God’s plan. Let me quote the next part of Jane’s story directly from her blog:

The social worker asked me about religious preference, telling me that, while they could not guarantee any religion, my preference would be respected. I preferred either a non religious family or a liberal Protestant one. However, if it was necessary to give my baby a good home, a Jewish or Catholic family was okay. I added as an afterthought that I did not want my daughter to go a family with a non-mainstream religion like Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, or Seventh Day Adventists. I thought it was unlikely this would happen – after all, I was in ultra-liberal San Francisco. I considered Mormons and the rest as kind of loony… The social worker and I crafted a statement containing my preference for either no religion or a mainstream religion and specifically stating my objection to Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and Seventh-Day Adventists. Over the years as I learned more about the LDS Church (its racism and opposition to the Equal Rights Amendment), I thought “at least I didn’t let my baby be raised by Mormons.”

Jane made her final decision and signed the papers when I was one month old, and then I was in foster care another month. Brand new babes were plentiful back then, and that’s what adoptive parents wanted. At two months I was aging out, not a blank slate anymore, and becoming more difficult to place. Perhaps the Social Worker couldn’t find atheists or mainstream religionists to take me, so she placed me with Mormons, setting aside her reassurances to Jane.

Although I am glad that I was raised Mormon, something nags at me: If things weren’t meant to happen the way they did, then am I really who I should be? In some people’s eyes I am a tragedy, a damaged individual, proof that mothers shouldn’t sign away their right to raise their own children. I walk down the street and leave footprints where they really ought not to be. And every time I breathe, I exhale carbon dioxide in the wrong spot on this planet.

Many readers of this blog have wonderful open adoptions. Birthmom prayed about it, adoptive parents prayed about it, God told spoke and said baby was meant to be with the adoptive family, everyone agrees, so much love all around. The child grows up being who he is supposed to be. But some birthmothers regret their decision like Jane did, or will regret it in the future. Even with open adoptions, birthmom might discover down the road that A-parents aren’t what she imagined. Some foster care adoptions are forced separations from natural parents where abuse and neglect may have played a part. Some adoptions are transnational, where poverty or kidnapping may have played a part. Some adoptions, like Madariaga’s and Moses’, are the result of an evil conspiracy.

What’s an adoptee to think when he learns he was placed in a particular home because of people’s unrighteous choices? Was adoption God’s plan then? I could have been raised by Jane or by a different adoptive family, but I ended up where I did because my birth mother, birth father and social worker made choices that led me to my family. They had God-given moral agency. Of course God had a hand in my placement, but allowed everyone to made their own choices. I was an answer to my parents’ prayers. After Jane made her decision to sign the papers they began to receive spiritual promptings that I was coming to them. They chose to follow those promptings, so they dropped by the agency unannounced on that day in January 1967, and learned there was a 2-month old baby girl available. If they hadn’t followed those promptings, I might have gone to another family, maybe the non-religious family Jane was hoping for.

God, a perfect being, has a plan that cannot be foiled by choices of imperfect mortals. God’s plan for me would be the same, adopted or kept. Doctrine and Covenants Section 3 tells us, “The works, and the designs, and the purposes of God cannot be frustrated, neither can they come to naught.”

Here are some of the elements of God’s plan for me:

1. I lived with God before I was born. God’s plan was for me be born and receive a physical body.
2. I am free to make choices and to act, but not free to choose the consequences of my actions.
3. There is suffering in this life.
4. God wants to develop a relationship with me.
5. God wants me to return to live with him, because I am His family.
6. Earthly families are central to God’s eternal plan.

Adoption both causes suffering and prevents suffering. Whether Madariaga or I had been raised atheist, protestant, Jewish, Catholic, Jehovah Witness or Mormon; whether we had been kept by our first mothers or adopted; God’s spirit would have whispered this same truth to us: “You are my child. I know you. I love you. I want you to come home to me.”

Inevitable Regret?

2011-06-27T15:26:00.000-07:00

I actually have had a few friends let me know recently about themselves or people they know that have said they regret placing.

Oddly enough every single one of these people are three to four months into the adoption process.

Also interesting, this is when i said, a couple times, "I need to get Josie back."

Now further on down the road, at almost 3 years.... I don't regret it and i would NEVER dream of saying I want Josie back.

So what has changed?

Well first of all, I have found myself. I have found who I am. I have MATURED
I was ridiculously RIDICULOUSLY immature. i mean in a bad way. I still have a little bit of that immaturity...but i am nowhere near as bad as i used to be. I have learned that there is someone of importance besides myself. I learned that no matter what even if it hurts beyond belief you need to do whats right.

I think another thing that has changed is i was able to see into the future. I had some space. Some time to heal and not have every second of every day revolve around that gorgeous little girl...that goofy, funny, lively, beautiful, sweet little girl. Now i think of Josie, I do. Quite often in fact. but now because i had that space it is a happy thought. A smile. an acknowledgement. An absolute happiness for her and her wonderful family. I was able to look in the future and see, now it might be fun to have her while she is a small baby, but what about when she is 3 or 4 and she wants a daddy. when she needs a daddy. What about when i am working 40 hour weeks and she was in daycare and i only got to see her for a few hours everyday before i had to tuck her in, go to bed, and start it all over the next day? What about when her biological sperm donor decided he wanted to be daddy and start a custody battle so that he could have those weekend visits, then having to explain his excuse of why he decided not to show up that weekend.
The future was my saving grace.

I think it is normal to go through a time of, "I want my baby back." Not EVERY person will go through it but i bet most will at least think it once or twice. I think it is normal to want to What If the heck out of the situation. But also during these times revert back to the journal entry when you wrote how strong you felt in your decision. Go back to those memories of the face to face, the choosing of the couple. Remember why you chose adoption in the first place.

Be careful that you aren't getting sucked in by fantasies, ex boyfriends, baby daddies, overwhelming depression.

Sometimes it helps to just vent in a journal, on a blog, etc. Just make sure to not dwell for an excessive period of time.

When times are tough find a good friend to talk to. one who will be honest, brutally honest.

I love you all!
Jessalynn

only a dad can fill the shoes of a dad

2011-06-19T13:16:00.000-07:00

i luv this article:

roughhousing with dad is crucial for development.

many women, myself included, choose adoption not because we wouldnt be amazing mothers,

but because we knew our children needed and deserved amazing fathers.

dads are simply that- amazing, im so blessed that my birth son has a dad.

its one of the best gifts i could have ever given my lil pokepoke,

and isnt that what its all supposed to be about? of course it is.

our children and their needs come first, always.

happy fathers day

adoption luvs

What I’m thinking about this Father’s Day

2011-06-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

I was amazed at the amount of attention Birthmother’s Day received this year. And now that Father’s Day is upon us, has anyone blogged about birthfathers? Did any adoptive parents out there send a Happy Birthfather’s Day card? Were any children asked to create a cute craft project for Birthdad? Anyone? Anyone? Where are the Birthfather’s Luncheons this Saturday? (On second thought, men wouldn’t attend a luncheon, so maybe we could organize a Birthfather’s Fishing Trip instead.) Birthmothers are said to be “courageous,” “willing to sacrifice,” “unselfish,” and “wise.” But birthfathers are often “Charlatan,” “irresponsible,” “manipulative,” and “deadbeat.” If the occasional birth father does show interest in his child, we’re mad at him for it! He mucks up the adoption process by taking his time signing papers or contesting the adoption. So, in honor of all the birthfathers who will not be recognized this weekend, I am going to write about my birthfather.

I first made contact with Mike when I was 20 years old. As soon as I learned his name I sent him a letter. On Valentines Day 1987 I received this response:

Dear Megan, from the facts that you set forth in your letter of January 26, 1987 there is no question in my mind that I am your biological father. Your real father, your father in every significant sense other than biological, is your adoptive father. I have thought a good deal about whether to respond to your letter. My wife was of the opinion that I should not, because to do so may change your relationship with your adoptive parents whom as you state, do not understand your desire to identify your biological parents. Although there is some merit in her concern I have decided to write you one time. I believe that you do have a right to know something about how and from whom you came about. I do not want to start an ongoing relationship with you, however, and will respond to no other communications . . .

13 pages later, Mike closes the letter:

Megan, I hope this letter is of some help to you in understanding who you are and where you came from. I am glad you love your parents and are happy in your life. I am now sure that Jane and I made the correct decision some twenty-one years ago. With love, Mike

Mike’s letter was exactly what I had yearned for and expected. I was thrilled! I treasured this letter, hand-written on yellow note paper. I would take it out and read it once in a while, but per his request, did not attempt more contact. Then in 1996 a woman I met via an online adoption newsgroup persuaded me to phone him and ask for a visit. By this time he was divorced and his children were grown; he had nothing to lose from meeting me, so he consented. We arranged for me to fly to Southern California where he was living. “Do you think you’ll recognize me?” I asked. He said he wouldn’t, so we told each other what we’d be wearing the day we were to meet – he’d have on a navy sports jacket and I’d be in a purple collared shirt and white slacks. On Saturday a few weeks later I caught an early morning flight from Chicago to LA to see my sire face to face. That weekend long ago has added bright colors to my self-image. He drove me down the peaceful coast in his red Mazda Miata convertible and took me to nice restaurants Saturday lunch and dinner. I can never get enough California seafood! Mike let me look through his extensive CD collection, and I was not surprised that we love the same types of music--Annie Lennox, Cole Porter, Mussorgsky among others. He shared with me stories about his Kept daughter, two stepdaughters, and several of his romantic relationships. And I told him about my family. We discussed theology and politics. He is agnostic but wasn’t bothered that I am religious. He told me about his law practice. Once I asked him, “Do you think we look alike?” No, he didn’t. I couldn’t see any physical resemblance either. Sunday morning he took me to breakfast at Denny’s and then drove the red Miata back to the airport. He kissed me on the check as we said goodbye. That night at home, I stared at myself in the mirror. I stared and stared. Then, turning my face slightly to the right, a shadow fell on my nose and chin just so. And there he was! I saw my birthdad’s face in mine.

After our visit I sent Mike a couple of letters, but he didn’t respond. I received one Christmas card from him the following December and then no more. I gave up trying to stay in touch. He’s not interested. Every so often I Google him. He is still registered as an active member of the California Bar Association.

Some day in the future when I Google Mike, I will find an obituary. At age 78, he could be around another 20 years, or he could be gone tomorrow. I wonder if I should send him a card this Father’s Day. . . Naw, he's not interested.

Note: I lost my real dad April 6 of this year. I started to write a post about him, but I was crying too much, so I stopped. I am still in active mourning for this great man. I’ll write about Dad another time because he so deserves to be celebrated. But let me just say that he is no doubt the driving force behind my support of adoption. I have a strong conviction that more adoptions should be happening. Kids need loving, strong fathers. When I was growing up I never, ever didn’t want a dad in my home. I can’t imagine not having my dad. He is the kindest person I’ll ever know. Dads shouldn’t be optional accessories in kid’s lives.

The 24 most annoying things that people say to adoptees

2011-06-08T20:58:00.000-07:00

This is a list compiled by Megan, a real-live adopted individual

The most annoying thing of all: “real mom and real dad”

1. “Did you ever meet your real mom?”

The guy or gal on the street uses “real mom” and “real dad” to refer to birth parents. But my adoptive parents insisted they were the one and only “real.” Every adoptive parent wants to be “real,” and is real. My mother taught me scripts to repeat when someone asked about “real mom.” From my early childhood I found myself in the awkward position of correcting not only peers but adults. The woman in whose tummy I grew was “birthmother” and the people that raised me were “real.” To educate the entire planet on what is real is a huge responsibility for a 7 year-old, especially one that doesn’t understand where babies come from.

When I reunited with my birthmom as an adult I was surprised to learn that she is insulted by the suggestion that she isn’t real mom. Conversely, my birthfather insists that he is not my real father (just don’t go there). To simply my life, I now leave it up to the parents to decide what is real. So, there are two real moms but only one real dad. When people ask about real mom I just say, “If you are referring to my birthmom, we connected a few years ago.” It is much easier to believe that a woman without a face or name is not real.

Substituting the word “real” for “biological” isn’t going out of vogue anytime soon. Adopted children will just have to find their own way of dealing with it.

Other annoying comments:
(I could write essays on all of these, and may do so at a later time.)

Adoption is everyone’s second choice
2. So, what do you call your parents?

3. When I get married I hope I never have to adopt.

4. If I got pregnant my parents would never make me give the baby away.

5. Do your parents have any of their own children? (Those darn semantics again. The guy and gal on the street will use “own children” synonymously with “biological children”.)

Physical appearance
6. Doesn’t it bother you that you don’t know anyone who looks like you?

7. That’s so amazing that you can tan easier than the rest of your family! (transracial adoptee)

8. You look a lot like your parents. (When they know I’m adopted)

9. You and your sister don’t look anything alike. (When they don’t know I’m adopted)

10. You have your mother’s eyes. (Referring to my adoptive mom)

11. What nationality are you? (As a child I usually responded to this question by reciting my adoptive parents’ origins. But sometimes I was being asked why I look the way I do. I didn’t know my birthparents’ heritage -- some people would try to guess it... “You have a square jaw, maybe you’re Welsh.” “Those heavy-set eyebrows might be Spanish…” What a fun game..NOT!)

Us poor waifs

12. Don’t you feel lucky that somebody took you in?

13. You’re adopted? Do you have a learning disability?

14. How many foster homes were you in before someone decided to keep you?

15. I remember when your parents got you. (They picked me up at the market, right?)

Abandoned

16. Your natural mother has probably put you out of her mind.

17. Why didn’t your real mother want you?

18. Well, my mom wasn’t married and she kept me. Your birthmother should have kept you. I feel sorry for you.

My adoptive parents hammered it into my brain and even into my cells that my birthmom loved me very, very much but she wasn’t ready to care for me. I have never felt unwanted or abandoned, despite what peers would say.

Naughty birthmother.

(Wait a minute, I came from her. What does that make me?)

19. You better watch yourself with the boys. You’re pretty and you might have a tendency to be promiscuous like your birthmother.

An adopted child shouldn’t have to hear negative remarks about her birthmother or birthfather. It’s too easy to project those comments onto herself. Remarks about birthparents will affect a child’s self-image. I also worry about adoptive parents blogging about their child’s birthparents. The kid will grow up and read the archives some day…

In denial

20. (At the doctor’s office)
Nurse: Do you have any family history of high blood pressure?
Me: I don’t know. I’m adopted.
Nurse: OK then, do you have any family history of heart disease?
Me: I don’t know. I’m adopted.
Nurse: OK. Do you have any family history of cancer?

21. Being adopted is no different at all than being born to your parents
(Different doesn’t have to mean worse. C’mon guys, let’s acknowledge that
adoption is not the same. Quit pretending. Maybe it’s even more special sometimes!)

22. Aren’t you worried you’ll accidentally date a relative?

Religious Dogma

23. Heavenly Father planned for all of us to be born to our mommies and daddies

24. Your birthmother was nothing more than a vessel for you to obtain a body and come to earth. (People who like to use this pet phrase always speak of the birthmother in past tense!!!)

Sometimes people say stupid things. So what! None of their perceptions can change who I am . I am a proud, joyful adopted person!!!

Guest Blogger: Tiffany Baugh!

2011-05-28T17:40:00.000-07:00

Hey my name is Tiffany and this is my adoption story! I was adopted myself and so was my birthmother. Adoption is a big part of my life. I got pregnant in December of 2007. I had graduated from high school that year and was just working at the time and still living at home. I didn’t realize I was pregnant until about the middle of February. At this time I was very sick with mono and I told the birthfather that I thought I was pregnant, he told me I was just sick so I shouldn’t worry about it. So of course I went along with that because I was very much in denial and didn’t want to believe it myself. But after a couple of weeks, I was over the mono and of course still pregnant. I tried to contact the birthfather again and he wouldn’t respond. By this time it was the middle of March and I needed to tell my parents. So I wrote them a letter left it in my room and went to my friend’s house a half hour away and then called my parents and told them I had a letter for them to read. They tried to call back several times but I didn’t want to talk to them. I finally picked up the phone and my mother said “You better get your butt back home right now!” It was about ten thirty at night and I told my mom that I would come home in the morning so she had time to cool down. My mom didn’t like that answer so I headed home.

My parents were very nice about the fact that I was pregnant. My mom wrote up a whole list about how much things would cost if I kept the baby, she also said she would make me a doctor’s appointment in the morning and an appointment to go to LDS Family services. Obviously I knew about adoption and how amazing it was. And I knew in the back of my head that it was the right decision to place my baby for adoption but I didn’t want to accept that fact for a few months.

I had a great case worker named Charity that I worked very close with about decisions. She was not pushy and knew how to talk to me to make me feel comforted. She sent me home with some profiles about the end of June. So I was about six months pregnant and needed to start making a decision about what I was going to do. I looked over the profiles countless times and looked at the ones online but I just couldn’t feel a connection with anyone even though the families all looked so nice. One day after church my mom came home and she had talked to a lady named Sheila. I had known her my whole life. Her husband was the bishop when I was very little and my dad was his counselor. Her son David was my Sunday school teacher when I was 8 years old. At that time he was getting ready to serve a mission to Brazil. I wrote him and sent him pictures on his mission. When he got back he married a beautiful woman named Stephanie.

My mom had just asked Sheila how David and Stephanie were doing and Sheila said that Stephanie was going to quit her job. She and David had been trying to get pregnant for about 4 years and they thought maybe she was getting too stressed from work so that was why she couldn’t get pregnant. My mom mentioned this to me not even thinking about me placing my baby with them she just knew how close I was to David and thought I would like to know about them. For the next three days I couldn’t get them out of my head I thought about them constantly.

I began to pray about my decision and all I could think about was David and Stephanie. I talked to my parents and they felt the same way but I didn’t even know if adoption was an option for them or if they were going to keep trying on their own. My parents called David’s parents and told them what I was thinking and if they thought David and Stephanie would be interested or not. I got a call the next day from David wanting to talk. It was the middle of July when I talked to David (Stephanie was in New York with her parents.) We met face to face. I told him the baby was due the beginning of September so we didn’t have much time. He told me that Stephanie kept having these dreams for the past month about a dark haired little girl. (David and Steph are both blondes) David said I don’t know how that will happen unless you are having some fun with the mailman! But when I contacted him he knew what the dream meant and he knew that they were meant to adopt my baby.

David and Stephanie had a lot of work ahead of them for the next month and a half. They had just bought a house that needed to be gutted and restored, they didn’t have any paperwork done for LDS family services and they needed a background check because they had lived out of state for a year. I told them I was very sorry I didn’t give them much time to get things done. They got their house all fixed up and all the paperwork and home evaluations done but the background check had not come through yet.

By this time it was September, Ruthie was due September 6 but didn’t decide to join the world till September 10, 2008 at 1:14 pm 6 pounds 3 ounces and 21 inches long. The background check came through about an hour before she was born, thank heavens. (If it wouldn’t have come through yet I would have had to take her home or put her in foster care till it came through.) David and Stephanie were there for the birth and got to hold her as soon as she was born. They left soon after to give me time with her. I had her in the room with me for about four hours and I fed her, changed her diaper, played with her and just enjoyed my time with her and lots of visitors. The nurse came in to take her to give her a bath and get her cleaned up. My parents went home to get cleaned up and my aunt went to go watch them give Ruthie a bath, so I was alone to get some rest when my aunt came back in the room saying they were giving the baby oxygen. My aunt called David and Stephanie and my parents to come back to the hospital. The doctor came into the room and by that time I had about 20 visitors in my room. The doctor told us that Ruthie had a diaphragmatic hernia and would have to be life flighted to primary children’s hospital.

Ruthie had to have four surgeries and had to stay in the hospital for about 2 ½ months (until Thanksgiving Day) I was able to go to the hospital to see her whenever I wanted. I was able to be at the temple when she was sealed to her parents and to her blessing. I have been to all of her birthday parties and I see her on all major holidays. When I first started dating my husband he saw pictures of Ruthie and started asking questions. He was very cool and understanding about the situation. Later when I was married to my husband, Ruthie and her parents were at the temple when I got married. My husband and I get to see Ruthie all the time and my husband loves her to death. We even saw her a few weeks ago and just hung out and watched a movie with her. She is now 2 ½ years old, very independent, beautiful, smart and healthy! I am grateful I get to be a part of her life and that she has a wonderful mom and DAD to be there for her! I LOVE OPEN ADOPTIONS!!!!!

Knowing When To Say When

2011-05-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

I am writing this post about one of my friends. She doesn't know it...but i felt inspired to address this very situation.

Open Adoptions are often described like marriages. They take time to figure out how each other ticks and what each other needs. You have to constantly evolve in the relationship and change how things are done to tailor it to the ever-changing you.

There have been times in my own open adoption where i needed to take a step back and have me-time (in fact if you haven't all noticed i had a couple weeks of just that)
Sometimes you just need time to heal, regroup, and refocus on you and not so much the world of adoption. This is where some girls/women get into trouble. I have noticed that there are many of us who have placed who don't know when to say when.

Sometimes TOO open of an adoption can be unhealthy and not help us heal. The adoption can often take over our life and become the only thing we think about. It consumes us, our conversations, and our relationships. This is when we as strong women have to step back and say. "I need a break."

One of my friends has recently realized that she too needs a step back. She cut herself off for a while. She realized she wasn't healing properly. She realized things were going quite the way she needed them too. By doing this i grew an enormous amount of respect for her. ENORMOUS. It takes guts and a mound of self-honesty to take this kind of step. Not many people like to be honest with themselves.

To verbalize this step is even more amazing. when we verbalize goals they become easier to achieve because you receive help along the way. There is a huge sisterhood of birthmothers online and in support groups in various places. places where (usually) you can feel safe sharing your story, your thoughts, and your struggles.

I encourage every birthmother out there with an open adoption to take a step back, look at your adoption, be honest with yourself, and decide if you need to take a step back. It may be rough at the beginning but in time you will be blessed tenfold. you will find an inner strength and heal the way you need to.

I am so thankful for this friend being a shining example to birthmothers everywhere.

LOGO CONTEST! year 2

2011-05-23T06:22:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! It is time for our annual blog logo contest!!

We invite you to design this years logo!

Email your creation to birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com
by midnight on Wed June 15, 2011

Along with your logo please send us a blurb of why you like it so dang much and
how it symbolizes birthmothers and represents this blog.
each individual is allowed to submit up to three different designs

Last year we had awesome entries- thank goodness we didn't have to choose because the readers vote on their favorite! We're so excited to see what this year brings us!
Thanks in advance to those that participate! and good luck :)

Love, Jessa

entries from last year that did not place in the contest may be re submitted.