loving a birthmother - from K

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thank you K for sharing your unique perspective as a birthmother AND an adoptive mother! 

When I was trying to conceive, I felt hopeless and angry that I was not getting pregnant. Suffering from secondary infertility was very hard because there was no medical reason for my inability to conceive. I started to feel inept.....I wanted to be a mother so badly. My maternal instincts were so strong. I started to hate my decision to place my only son for adoption years earlier. I questioned God and His reasons for not allowing me to be a MOM. Then one day, I decided to just give it up to Him and asked him to make me a mother if he felt it was in my life's plan. 

After years of almost desperation, I received a phone call from a friend who asked if I was interested in adoption. I was sort of caught off guard, but she knew of my infertility struggles and desire to be a mother. I told her I was interested. 

A few months later, I was speaking with Peyton's Birth Mom on the phone discussing the possibility of adopting her son. I was scared and elated at the same time. I felt so badly for Ashe as she was making a very hard decision to not parent her 2nd child. I know how it feels to place and it is AWFUL. Ashe and I agreed to meet only weeks before she was due to deliver. I felt very strange being on the other side of adoption. All of a sudden I was on the recieving end of a birthmoms grief. I knew all of the pain she would endure and the loss that would she would feel for a very long time. 

We decided on an open adoption. I was eager to be open with Ashe as I was only able to have a semi-open adoption with my bio-sons parents. I wanted Ashe to know everything. I wanted her to be part of Peyton's life. The special woman who loved him so much and she chose me. She chose me to raise and love him in her absence. She chose me to kiss his boo-boo's, mend his broken hearts and teach him about the world and life. 

God answered my prayer. I am truly blessed to be Peyton's mother and I love Ashe in so many ways. Not just because she chose me. But because she trusted me. In the 5 years since Peyton's birth, Ashe and I have grown extremely close. We text all the time and call eachother and play on Facebook. We visit when we can (we live in seperate states). Ashe is part of my family. Sort of like my sister. I feel her pain and see her happiness.  And I love her for so many reasons it is impossible to write them all down. Ashe helped heal the hole in my heart by making me a mommy. And we both love the same boy in the same way.