Pain in the Beauty

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A little over a month ago I had the ability {because of 5 amazing women} to see my sweet Josie. We were passing her neck of the woods and there i sat in her living room with her whole family. I was ecstatic. My heart beating  pounding like it has every other time I have gotten to see her. This time it was 7 days after she turned 7.

We pulled up in the car, I opened the door. The most beautiful child you will ever lay eyes on came running straight at me and leapt into my arms. I held her for a minute. Tearing up. She will never know what those 5 minutes did for my heart. She was as excited to see me as I was her.

I owe her love for me to her parents. They speak well of me, they make me a known person in their family. They have always welcomed me with open arms and generous love. They have never denied me a picture, call, video, or visit. They go out of their way to make our adoption smooth. To them, I am just another "aunt" or "cousin", but to them I am also special. I am Josie's birth mom.

Anyways, I walk into their house. I give her parents a hug. I rush downstairs to joke around with her big brothers, who have grown a good 10 feet since I placed, then go back upstairs to talk with my Josie and her parents.

She tells me about her birthday, her books, her life. And there I sit, listening, but also absorbing. Her hair is so perfectly curly and textured. Her skin is the most gorgeous shade of brown and is so soft. Her voice is music to my ears. Her personality is me as a kid. She is a {brown} mini-me. But she isn't just a mini-me, she also has awesome traits from her birthfather (his charming smile) and her parents (sense of humor and passion for life). Those thirty minutes were marvelous.

Yet when i left, My heart...it ached. My heart was soaring when i was with her then it crashed to the ground in the car on the way home. There i sat in the same room as my birth daughter and i realized, all this beauty I was taking in. all this perfect. I am missing out on that every second of every day. The thought of that shattered my heart.

Although her parents do a kick-ass job at keeping me involved. Way better of a job than i ever fathomed. These moments come. I crash. When crashed i let myself slip into the "What-if's" and the "Why's". Even though deep down in my heart I know it was the right decision, and I will never regret placing or doubt my decision to place, I am allowed these moments of hurt. I am allowed to have moments of wonder and questions.

Gosh I miss her. I wish i could hug her tight everyday. I wish i could tell her every day how beautiful she is, how perfect she is, how smart she is, and how loved she is. I wish i could tell her that not a day goes by I don't think about her. I wish i could tell her how many lives were forever changed because of her. Most importantly I wish I could tell her that her parents are the best.

While i will miss out on a lot, i am forever grateful i don't miss out on all. That is enough to keep me going. To show her that her life, her placement, my decision, it was not in vain. It was for love.

"Just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die"