"What' and ‘if’. Two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."from Sophie's letter to Clair in Letters to Juliet.
An adoptive parent asked me to write a post on how I think my life would have been different if I'd been a child of an open adoption instead of a tightly closed one. Actually, I rarely dwell in the what if realm. Thoughts come to me —longings-- and I am confronted with phantom grief for all of the lives I didn't live. I visit there sometimes, visit the what if. But that realm is at the end of a long, lonely street. It takes a while to get there, and once I leave I don't have the desire to return very soon. I'm stating only the obvious what ifs in this post, from my perspective.
If I start dwelling on what if I'd had an open adoption, then I have to think about what if I hadn't been adopted at all: I have to think about the fact that I wouldn't have been there for my a-parents when they were close to death. I have consider that Teresa wouldn't be my lifelong best friend from my home town in California. I have imagine life without my two brothers and older sister. I have to imagine a life built on something other than my Faith. I have to consider a childhood without piano lessons. I have to think about not meeting my husband at BYU, getting married and having my four wonderful children. It's too much. It gives me migraines. I never say "I wish I weren't adopted." I never will say it. I don't feel that way.
Now, the question of what if I'd had an open adoption. If I had known my birth mother, I would not have felt depressed every birthday wondering about the day I was born. I would not have looked at brunette models on Revlon TV commercials and fantasized that one of them was my natural mother. I would have know who gave me my freak double-jointed fingers and crooked pinkies.
I could have answered medical history questions at the doctor's office. I would have felt more comfortable living in my own skin. I would have confidence that my sometimes serious, too analytic, Information Nation style of socializing was inherited honestly, and not a character defect. I would have had more adults in my life to mentor me, to love me, to be interested in me.
I will not attempt to address the what if from my birth mother's perspective. But here's something she wrote on the subject: "When I surrendered I knew I could not have contact with my daughter and should not even start looking for her until she was 18 . I could force myself to cast aside thoughts about her until she reached that magic age. Mothers in open adoption have to navigate a relationship from day one."
Relationship navigation is very tricky. I think my adoptive parents could have managed an open adoption though, especially with my particular birth mother. If my adoptive parents and known my birth parents , perhaps they would have had an easier time parenting me. They would have recognized my body language, my sense of humor, my seriousness. They wouldn't have had to figure me out from scratch.
Friday, July 8, 2011
I have come to grips with my adoption; I would never change anything, now three and a half years through it, but there are times that I still struggle. The other day I saw my little guy's birth father and it put knots in my stomach. Now that I'm married and starting my own family, part of me feels that it shouldn't bother me, but it really does. He looked at me, or more likely stared me down, and I suddenly felt a lot of shame. I was standing there with the man I have committed my life to and there was someone else there that knew me before I had had a child. Someone that I would have to say was my 'first love'. Someone that I still felt some emotion towards. My emotion isn't really anger against him and the choices he made. It was hurt for my husband because I felt that in some way I had betrayed him before I even knew him. I felt him tense, watched his face darken, and his arm grip my sides closer. Should I be flattered by this protective behavior or nervous that he doesn't trust me? How would any of you (or have any of you) responded to this?
It's a really small community and since we have moved here, we keep bumping in to him. At first I thought it was coincidence but it kept happening more and more frequently, from him applying for work where my husband works, to him hanging out with people that live in the same apartment complex we live and standing right near our door. My emotions are out of control. Have any of you ever worried about the birth father coming back in to your life? Or making things miserable for you later?
I'm sorry that this post inspirational or thought provoking. ~shanna
I actually have had a few friends let me know recently about themselves or people they know that have said they regret placing.
Oddly enough every single one of these people are three to four months into the adoption process.
Also interesting, this is when i said, a couple times, "I need to get Josie back."
Now further on down the road, at almost 3 years.... I don't regret it and i would NEVER dream of saying I want Josie back.
So what has changed?
Well first of all, I have found myself. I have found who I am. I have MATURED
I was ridiculously RIDICULOUSLY immature. i mean in a bad way. I still have a little bit of that immaturity...but i am nowhere near as bad as i used to be. I have learned that there is someone of importance besides myself. I learned that no matter what even if it hurts beyond belief you need to do whats right.
I think another thing that has changed is i was able to see into the future. I had some space. Some time to heal and not have every second of every day revolve around that gorgeous little girl...that goofy, funny, lively, beautiful, sweet little girl. Now i think of Josie, I do. Quite often in fact. but now because i had that space it is a happy thought. A smile. an acknowledgement. An absolute happiness for her and her wonderful family. I was able to look in the future and see, now it might be fun to have her while she is a small baby, but what about when she is 3 or 4 and she wants a daddy. when she needs a daddy. What about when i am working 40 hour weeks and she was in daycare and i only got to see her for a few hours everyday before i had to tuck her in, go to bed, and start it all over the next day? What about when her biological sperm donor decided he wanted to be daddy and start a custody battle so that he could have those weekend visits, then having to explain his excuse of why he decided not to show up that weekend.
The future was my saving grace.
I think it is normal to go through a time of, "I want my baby back." Not EVERY person will go through it but i bet most will at least think it once or twice. I think it is normal to want to What If the heck out of the situation. But also during these times revert back to the journal entry when you wrote how strong you felt in your decision. Go back to those memories of the face to face, the choosing of the couple. Remember why you chose adoption in the first place.
Be careful that you aren't getting sucked in by fantasies, ex boyfriends, baby daddies, overwhelming depression.
Sometimes it helps to just vent in a journal, on a blog, etc. Just make sure to not dwell for an excessive period of time.
When times are tough find a good friend to talk to. one who will be honest, brutally honest.
i have many many birthmother friends who are dear to me place their children for adoption in a closed adoption. some of them have had things open up over the years, some have even had reunions as their children turned of age and they found each other.
but most of these birthmothers, they just dont know, a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g.
can you imagine? i cannot.
not knowing your childs name, not knowing their face, not knowing their parents' names or faces, not knowing what state they went to after leaving your arms, not knowing if they, god forbid, have died.
i had a distant relative thru a marriage that has since dissolved pass away this last year, he was adopted, and i had to wonder, does his birthmother even know? probably not. and that broke my heart even more than it already was for the loss of this mans life.
i try to not take for granted the gift and the blessing that is open adoption and the reality of literally being the sole owner of my sons birth certificate from the hospital, its in my filing cabinet. the reality of knowing exactly where he is, seeing faces and meeting several of his extended family. the reality of being the one to place him in his parents arms and didnt just hand him to a caseworker and watch him get loaded into the back of the caseworkers car never to be heard from again.
the reality of hearing MY name come from HIS lips.
the reality of knowing.
i know and he knows. priceless precious sacred information.
we are lucky indeed. he points to my stomach and his, and tells me that i grew in his tummy. hes still working on exactly what it is he knows, but he knows that it involved him and me, not just him and his mom and dad.
so many 'dont know' and that hurts my heart. just because 'i know' doesnt mean that i dont have a responsibility in making sure that others get to know. things need to be changed, for those currently involved in adoption, those who have yet to be involved in adoption, and even for those who missed the open adoption band wagon. those people still. deserve. TO. KNOW.
and its US- the birthmoms of open adoption, who need to make sure it happens for them. we need to raise our voices LOUDLY and support the basic human right that is 'to know'.
this is national adoption awareness month, and i ask you, women of this open adoption era...
are you aware what the laws regarding adoptees rights in your state are? for past present and future adoptions?
are you aware of the pain and worry and grief that comes from not knowing?
are you aware of those around you that are struggling with this burden?
are you aware of how truly blessed you are to know?
if you are not aware, than i challenge you to break out of your comfort zone and become aware. and once youve done that, then please, lets rally together and help our sisters who dont know by telling those in legislative positions how important and wonderful and healing it has been for us to know.
it has already aired in OR, but i see in utah and california and other states it hasnt yet. someone record it on their DVR for me! i expect all of you who can and are able to watch this, to seek out more info, to read stories, to click 'share' on facebook when you see stuff about adoptee rights, and share your personal thoughts about this subject.
i challenge you this month and every month to 'spread the word', tell everyone you know about WHY open adoption has been so great for you, about how knowing has been so great for you, so that one day, we can all know.
i challenge you to be a voice for those who were told they werent allowed to have one, for those who are not allowed to know.
as always, adoption luvs
the lime green ribbon represents adoptee rights,
it has been and always will be on our side bar.
Big Brother 1 (BB1) Big Brother 2 (BB2) Adoptive Parents (AP) birth mom: (J) aka (JLBills) Baby J: Josie
1) what do you remember about the face to face? What about when you found out you were getting a baby?
AP:First of all, we prepared the boys for this first meeting by telling them that we were just meeting J and that she would not make a decision about choosing to place her baby with us that day. That's how we as AP had been advised and prepared by our "social worker". So, with that, we went into the meeting not expecting anything but a get to know each other session. The boys were a little nervous for the face to face, but it comforted them knowing that their cousin (the birthmom's friend) was there. So, when J pulled out a basket full of baby related goodies we were shocked. I don't think any of us including the boys knew what it meant until we found the picture of the sonogram that said Congrats. You're having a baby. I think at that moment the boys had a permagrin on their face. We went out for ice cream after the formalities and that's the part the boys remember. BB1: I liked going out for ice cream. It was fun getting to know her more and have her ask questions about things we like.
BB2: I liked talking with her and her friends. I loved the picture of the baby. I wanted to take it everywhere with me to show everyone. As soon as we got back to my cousin's house I ran right in there house to show them the picture.
2) Finding out it was a girl? AP: Once we found out the baby was a girl I wanted to surprised the boys in a fun way. So I bought a PINK baby doll, cute little pink shoes and wrapped them in a package. I told them the gift was something our new baby could use. When they saw the pink and the doll, they knew it was a girl.
BB1: I had been wanting a baby girl for quite a while, so I was excited to be a big brother to a little sister.
BB2: I thought she might be a whiner, but I thought it was cool.
AP: We were elated. AD (adoptive dad) wept.
3) what do you remember about coming down to the hospital? What were your feelings?
AP:The boys were at their grandparents during the delivery. We didn't know for sure if our birthmom would want the boys at the hospital, but she wanted them there the very next day. The boys were stoked to be able to come. The whole experience was new and unknown of course for them, but it helped again that their cousin and aunt were there for most of it.
BB1: I remember talking to J's family and they were really nice to me. I remember J giving me a hug from her bed and then handing me Baby J to hold. I thought her face was puffy, but I loved holding her. She fell asleep in my arms.
BB2: I remember being happy and everyone in the room happy and then this nurse came in and got mad at us for me and my brother being in the room. Then I remember everyone telling the nurse that we were the baby's brothers.
AP: We wanted to be sensitive to J and her need for time with Baby J as well as her family, so we did not bring our boys with us. It made my heart feel so good that she wanted the boys there right away. We were also so appreciative of the time we were able to spend with J's family. We shared a very special experience with them when we came back to the hospital the day after the delivery. The boys remembered very clearly the event with the nurse. Just for explanation, the nurse was just doing her job enforcing the rule that only immediate family members could be in the room. She was apparently not up to speed on the fact that this was an adoption. So, she was quite adamant that the boys could not be in the room. I think it shocked us all when J and her family immediately replied just as adamantly that they were immediate family; they were her brothers. Then the nurse still didn't get it and turned to J and said "You're not old enough for these boys to be yours". Immediate reply: "they are her adoptive brothers." I think at that moment it really hit us and the boys that yes, our boys were her brothers, yes we were going to be her parents and everyone in that room knew and supported it. Great feeling.
BB2: I remember going back to the building where we met J the day after we were at the hospital. I remember giving J a special gift. We got her a build a bear and a necklace and we got one for Baby J too so they matched. I remember J giving me a hug and her mom and dad telling me to take care of Baby J.
BB1: I remember J and her family crying. I hoped they were crying for joy. I was sad for J, but I knew we would take care of Baby J.
3) what do you remember about josie coming home?
BB1: First of all I did not like it the my mom and my new sister did not get to come home with us. School started for me a few days after Baby J was born, so I had to go home. I remember me and my brother and dad calling my mom every night to talk to mom and Baby J and have family prayer over the phone. I was so excited when they finally got to come home.
BB2: I remember our neighbors decorated our house and front yard with a big welcome home sign when my mom finally came home with Baby J. I remember being nervous at first to hold Baby J b/c I was afraid I would drop her.
4) do you ever have to explain to your friends about her being adopted? How do you do it? And does it bug you? BB1: Some of my friends ask me if my sister is adopted b/c she has different color skin than mine. It does not bug me that they ask unless they ask me over and over. My friends think Baby J is so cute.
BB2: It does not bother me if people ask me if my sister is adopted. After my sister was born I told everyone at school that I had a new sister. My friends think Baby J is cool.
5) what do you feel about josie's birthmom still visiting? How did you feel about coming to her wedding?
BB1/2: It's amazing. She's one of our best friends. It's cool. She gives us hugs. I wouldn't feel weird at all with her around my friends or at church. I would introduce her as my friend and my sister's birthmom.
BB2:The wedding was awesome. I was a little disappointed we didn't get to spend more time with J, but my mom helped me understand that it was her wedding day and she needed to be with all the other people.
BB1: Most people didn't know me and I felt just a bit out of place but I was glad I got to see J again.
AP:I just have to include this cute story. As a family, we had been looking forward to attending J's wedding. My son apparently had been talking about it at school with his teacher and how excited he was to go. When I went in to my son's classroom one day I was visiting with his teacher and she was asking me about our adoption. I was explaining to her that we have an open adoption, that we communicate regularly with my daughter's birthmom and that we were going to her wedding soon. She explained to me that my son has been talking about going on this trip for days and he was so excited to go to "one of his best friend's wedding." My boys absolutely adore J. I am excited for them to be able to tell our daughter about her birthmom and share their experiences with her.
tonight, as i sat in the audience of Disneys Broadway, The Lion King (for the second time in the last 2 weeks mind you - absolutely fantastic show) i was superfluously hit by the power of the song 'Endless Night'. Simba cries out in desperation to Mufasa's memory -
You promised you'd be there, Whenever I needed you!!
so many birthmothers are feeling lost, empty and/or hurting tonight, for a plethora of reasons.
my heart aches for you, for i, personally, am at peace, and oh how sweet it is. oh how i wish i could bestow that peace on those who feel that they are without. I hope that someone out there somewhere, somehow, can feel my hug as you read/listen to these lyrics.
There is hope, the sun will rise.
heres a video of a performance on the Rosie O'Donnell show from back in the nineties.
here's the amazing powerful lyrics.
Where has the starlight gone? Dark is the day How can I find my way home? Home is an empty dream Lost to the night Father, I feel so alone You promised you'd be there Whenever I needed you Whenever I call your name You're not anywhere I'm trying to hold on Just waiting to hear your voice One word, just a word will do To end this nightmare When will the dawning break Oh endless night Sleepless I dream of the day When you were by my side Guiding my path Father, I can't find the way You promised you'd be there Whenever I needed you Whenever I call your name You're not anywhere I'm trying to hold on Just waiting to hear your voice One word, just a word will do To end this nightmare I know that the night must end And that the sun will rise I know that the clouds must clear And that the sun will shine I know Yes, I know The sun will rise The clouds must clear I know that the night must end I know that the sun will rise And I'll hear your voice deep inside I know that the night must end And that the clouds must clear The sun will rise
you feeling sorry for yourself? maybe youve been crying or missing your birthchild? maybe youre thinking life sucks and why is this so hard? are you moping around wondering what youre supposed to do next?
well, snap out of it girl!!
and lose yourself in the service of others.
send a card to noah, you 'know' him cuz he belongs to birthmom coley, of birthmom buds.
he's having what the surgeon calls 'brutal surgery' on his lil twisted spine. ouchy.
so do it right now, stop feeling sad for yourself and start making a difference for someone else, even if its just a card. it will make you feel better, guaranteed!
not feeling sorry for yourself? awesome! you should send a card too! ;-)
WOW!I just realized tonight its been almost 18 months since I placed Josie! Holy Smokes time has flown by me quick!!
I am so excited because I get to see her and her mommy very soon!! I am so excited I could type the word excited an amazing amount of times!!
I was looking back and thinking about everything I have done since then:
I went to school for another semester, I went to 2 more military trainings, I met an amazing man!!, I learned more about myself then I ever have, and I have made a great amount of friends from so many places!
I am so thankful for all my friends and family who have stood behind me.
This shout-out is especially for one person in particular:
Alyson!
Aly is my best friend in the entire world! I moved into her apartment when I was just a few weeks pregnant. She is also the one who introduced me to Josie's fantastically perfect family.
Aly is the most amazing person I know. She is always so christlike and thoughtful. She helped me through my pregnancy right down to the very birth when she was by my bedside encouraging me to get through it all. She has always been there for me, no matter what. We have had our little squabbles, but every good friend does. If it hadn't been for Aly helping me through it all, I don't think I would have been as strong as I did. There were so many nights where I cried uncontrollably after I placed and she was there helping me out. I remember one time in particular when I couldn't stop crying and she sat there turned on a movie for me and played with my hair till I calmed down. That may seem insignificant, but for me there is nothing that can ever replace a good friend. Someone who will be there for you through anything. Aly and her family were amazing to me. I feel so apart of her family its ridiculous.
My whole point in going on and on about this is that everyone needs a good support system. Whether it be a friend, family, a boyfriend, or God. Everyone needs someone. We simply cannot get through this life alone. Whether you are religious or not, I think you could agree with that.
So here is to you Aly and all of my great friends who have helped me out so much!
My name is Cindy and I was asked to be a guest blogger as it is National Adoption month and to talk about the importance of not bottling up the grief- how healing is needed after placing a child for adoption.
I was recently divorced and already parenting 3 children at the age of 31 in 2005 when I got pregnant with my baby Amy. She was placed for adoption with her a. parents, Sherry and Stu, in Phoenix, right after she was born. My adoption story is in video form.(Desha, aka birthMOM, put it together for me and it was in honor of Amy's 3rd birthday on May 15, 2009.) My story is also going to be featured on my agency's website, IAC, soon. (IAC is the agency who had the series "Adoption Diaries", on WE-tv).
When I found myself pregnant with Amy, I knew from the moment I read the positive line on the test that adoption was going to be my plan. During my pregnancy, when I was only about 16 weeks along, I met Amy's adoptive parents in person in Arizona and we had our 'match' meeting. My first feeling was absolute relief, and not sadness. I did spend the winter depressed and in shame, but still was not prepared for the emotions I would feel.
When I left my home in Upper Michigan and moved in with the adoptive parents in Arizona for a few months to give birth out there, I still wasn't prepared. I had only felt relief up to that point about just giving birth, desperately not wanting to be pregnant anymore, and being able to get on with my life.
When my water broke, I then felt fear and thought, this is real, this is it! When she came out after a very short labor, I again felt relief and also shock. When Amy was 2 days old, the adoptive parents and I all left the hospital and I resumed living with them and 'our' baby for the next few weeks before flying back to my home in Michigan.
Then reality hit me, and although I still felt shock and relief, the sadness began, yet I felt like I couldn't let that out while under their roof, as they were so thrilled to have their new baby. I do recall I escaped to the shower often and that is where I cried. (It was easy to go in and shower often as it was over 100 degrees daily in Phoenix and I was sweating out a lot of water weight those first days.) I had many unshed tears though, and pent up emotions.
I did not hold my baby those few weeks while under their roof, except 2 times for pics. and then the night before I had to catch the plane. I held her and then the first phase of real grief hit me and I cried and I did let go for that time and I said goodbye to her.
When I flew back to my home in Mich. on Memorial Day of 2006, I immediately had my camper pulled out to a lake, and my children and I camped all summer long. Although I did write in my journal and looked at Amy's photos, I was still numb, and in shock and denial. I thought I was dealing with the grief, but I was bottling it up.
I had the chance to see Amy and her a. mom Labor Day 2006. She was 4 months old and it was our first visit since placement (not to mention Amy's birthfather seeing her in person for the first time.) We met for 1/2 of a day with Amy and her mom and it was such a great time. I held her, talked to her, played with her, we had pictures taken, etc. When it was time to leave, I cried and she was holding onto my finger and I really didn't want to let go. I couldn't get over it, that was my baby I gave birth to and she was not with me!
2 days later, I was to return to college as I was planning to finish my degree in social work. Almost immediately, I got insomnia, a very sick stomach, and really could not function. I ended up in bed for a week during the days, bent over in stomach pain, and during the nights could not sleep.
I was still in shock and denial. I quit college, and the Dr. put me on sleeping pills. (Bad idea.) I started drinking from time to time for a month or so, while taking pills.
One night I saw Amy's birthfather, and thought, if I could be close to him, somehow I would be close to our baby. I looked into his blue eyes and saw her. He was on muscle relaxers, so things didn't really work too well, if you know what I mean, and after seeing him for a few minutes, I realized what a mistake that was and didn't see him again. And I thought it would have been impossible that a pregnancy could have occurred.
Here I was, not been divorced all that long, had had a baby who I placed for adoption, raising my 3 kids on my own (except when they went with their dad every other weekend) quit college, and to my shock, I found out I was pregnant again! It was like I was living a dream.
I know if I would have been dealing with my grief properly and letting it out, I would not have went on sleeping pills, would not have drank, and certainly would not have reunited with Amy's birthfather for a night!
I decided on an adoption plan once again, and my baby boy was to go with Amy and her parents. They were hesitant at first, as they were going through an adoption plan to get a little girl from China. It didn't take them long to come around and want to have Amy's full blooded brother with them.
This time, instead of me going to Phoenix to have the baby, they came to Michigan to be in the labor room. All winter long I literally stayed in bed while my kids were in school and was so full of shame I never left the house, and on top of that I got a bug, from food poisoning I believe, that would not leave my system for months. The Dr. called it "gastric attacks" and involved intense stomach pain, sweating, diarrhea and vomiting. It was awful and the worst time of my life. Another unplanned pregnancy and a 2nd winter in a row full of shame and depression over my circumstances over my bad choices.
I did not have the energy to deal with the grief of losing Amy and there I was, ready to place another child. It was overwhelming and I truly didn't think I would make it through. And I was so physically sick some days I thought I would die.
I always have babies early, so Amy's a. mom Sherry, along with Amy, came to Wisconsin (4.5 hrs from my home) to stay with Sherry's mom for some weeks, and I did as usual, go into labor early. They made it to the hospital and the adoptive mom Sherry was there during my labor just like she was with Amy's birth, and when my baby boy was born, she again, cut the cord. Stu, Amy's adoptive dad flew in the next day and they were ready to welcome Amy's full blooded brother into their lives. They all got settled into a hospital room together, with me down the hall in my own room.
Well, when my baby boy was 4 hrs old, Amy's mom walked into my hospital room with Amy. "Say hi to your birthmom Cindy." (Amy was 1 yr old at the time.) Somehow I thought she would jump into my arms and hug me and know me and love me. When she acted like I was a stranger I was taken a-back. Later on, my 3 kids showed up with their dad at the hospital to visit me and to see their birthsister Amy, and their new brother. We did get to spend some time with Amy.
The entire time I was thinking, "I lost her, I can't lose my new baby boy."
For the first 24 hrs I still thought I could go through with it.
Then I felt worse and worse and just had a pit in my stomach. At midnight I requested to have my little baby brought into my room. They had already named him Jay. The nurse brought him in, and I held him for an hour, and he was rooting for my breast, it seemed so natural, I nursed him. After a while, I had the nurse bring him back to the adoptive parents' hospital room.
I slept little that night, and the next day, as I was to be discharged, we all had an initial meeting with the social worker in where I was to sign papers allowing Sherry and Stu to take my baby boy out of the hospital to their hotel for a number of days before the relinquishment papers were to be signed. (Guess it's the way it worked in Upper Michigan.)
After I signed the papers allowing them to take him to the hotel when it was time, I walked back to my room and almost collapsed. I went in the bathroom and sobbed. I ended up sobbing for hours. Now the grief was really coming out, and it was about Amy. And then the thought of having to place this new baby boy of mine.
At that moment, I did not feel I could place him. Some people may judge me for this, and think, how could I do this to Amy's a. parents.
A hospital chaplain came in and a social worker, they told me they would pray with me and they told me I was that baby boy's mother and I had every right to parent my baby if I wanted to. That he was still my baby and it was my decision and to pray God's will.
My aunt went to Sherry and Stu's room in the hospital where they were with my baby. She told them, "Cindy doesn't know if she can go through with this" and they said they could never hate me, look at the beautiful gift (Amy) I already gave them. While this was going on, I was in my room and I felt like God gave me the name Samuel Isaiah.
I got discharged from the hospital and drove the hour home to get counsel. I then made the final decision, I was going to parent my baby boy. My aunt called Amy's a. parents at the hospital that night and said, "Cindy has changed her mind. She is keeping the baby. Do you want her to come there and talk to you?" They said no and hung up, and I guess within an hour they were packed up, and took Amy and got out of there. They were absolutely in shock.
Understandably, there was a rift in our relationship for some time and especially Amy's a. mom had anger and hurt issues towards me. They did end up getting their baby girl from China and my birthchild Amy got a sister.
At the point I took my baby Samuel home from the hospital June 13, 2007, when he was 5 days old; it was then the healing began and I started to deal with my grief in healthy ways. Although Sherry and Stu were still committed to open adoption, they were having a hard time as they had negative feelings towards me after my reclaim.
As time went on, I talked and had counsel with my SW Jennifer Bliss, from my agency in California (IAC) and she was helpful. I also met weekly with an MSW counselor and later down the road, had lots of times of pastoral counsel.
I wrote more, and I came to terms with the fact I placed my baby girl, I needed to cry over it, I needed to talk about it, come to terms with it. I needed to get past the shock, numbness, and denial. And to never turn back to pills, sex, alcohol to try to escape pain. To work on my relationship with God.
It was time to truly let it out and stop keeping it in.
I do believe in having my baby boy with me, some healing took place. And ironically, he came about as part of the unresolved grief!
Desha, fellow birthmom, agreed to help me out and I sent her pics and journal entries and she put a video together of my adoption story with Amy and that was healing. I let myself cry. I first watched Desha's adoption video months previous, which began my healing tears, and after she put together my video, many more healing tears came.
I did get a visit with Amy and her parents and new sister June 15, 09 and it was a really good day. I can't say if they are 100% over not taking home that baby boy or not, but God Bless their hearts, they were kind and open to me that day.
Seeing Amy that time was healing and wonderful. My kids played with her and her new sister, and we all had a wonderful day. Seeing how happy and loved she is by her parents, and how she is such a daddy's girl was amazing to me. She was so precious, and my love was so great for her, there are no words to adequately describe it. Let's just say I am biased, and feel she is the sweetest thing ever! And lots of credit to her a. parents for the ways they are raising her!
I look back and think God orchestrated the whole thing, and although I think I chose Amy's parents, I feel God knew all along where she was going to be. I am now having feelings of joy and peace that she is with her mom and dad and she is prospering.
Yes, I do have days of sadness where I think of my heart, and am selfish inside, wishing I had her. Sometimes I miss her so badly, and it gets to me that she and I really don't know each other as we are many states away. (As she gets older I believe our relationship will be established just like relatives who live states away. I do send her gifts, and I hope for more visits as we are able.) Then I have to think of how great her life is and also how happy 2 people in this world are, that their dreams came true and they got to be parents when they weren't sure it would ever happen for them. And I thank God they were able to forgive me for my reclaim of Samuel; I believe most adoptive parents would not get over that and would not see the birthmom after that experience. I am thankful they want Amy to know about me and know me.
I have a scripture verse I cling to- Romans 8:28 and I stick to it, God works ALL things together for good.
Today I can say things are going well for me and my children that I am parenting. The doors of Sherry and Stu's home are open for my children and myself to go and stay with them anytime in Az for me to visit Amy and my kids to see their birthsister. I do plan to make a trip, alone, next May 15, for Amy's 4th birthday. And in the future, have my kids see her again. Myself and Amy's parents are all still committed to open adoption, which includes visits as well as pictures and staying in contact and having a relationship.
I am grateful for open adoption, am grateful for God's blessing, and very happy I am learning daily how to deal with the grief in a positive way.
**** blog manager here. im pleased to say that this situation from oct 2009 has changed for the better. in short, the birthmother involved in this open adoption is now receiving updates!
unfortunately, it has come to pass that there are some people in the anonymous realm of the internet who think they know who and what this situation involved. they are completely and absolutely wrong. the people who were involved are not the same ones the anonnomous commenter thought they were. anon's snide remarks and blatant slander in the comments section has forced me to shut down the comment thread.
at this time, im not going to delete this post, because i personally feel that the situation described below is all too often the norm in the open adoption world and that is WRONG. i think that if there are birthmothers looking for support because of a similar experience, then a post such as this is exactly what they are looking for.
i think that adoptive couples need to be wary about what open adoption means and a post such as this is exactly why. we can all learn from this birthmothers sorrow and hopefully encourage all involved in the adoption triad to be honest and communicate with each other, thats the only way open adoption works!
thank you to those who shared your thoughts back when this post was originally written. adoption luvs, birthMOM ****
Hey guys! This is a matter that is near and dear to my heart and I would absolutely love and ASK for comments and opinions. My very good friend placed her baby for adoption a little less then a year ago. This friend of mine struggled for a very long time to decide whether or not she should place. About two days before she actually had her baby she chose a couple and decided to place with them. She was promised an open adoption. That she could come and see the baby whenever she wanted. That she would get to come to holidays. This is exactly what she needed to hear, it was what she wanted in a couple if she were to choose to place. So here we sit just a few months later and she is now torn to pieces. This adoptive couple does not understand that placing a baby is the most difficult thing to do. We as birthmothers are allowed to hurt and struggle with the fact that we had a baby for nine months and a few days and we no longer have that baby. Obviously we wanted that baby to have a good home or we would not have entrusted you to care for that child for time and all eternity. So today my friend calls me and lets me know that this couple has gone so far as to say that they do not want her to even give presents for the baby. Now I understand boundaries but in my opinion this is going too far. I cannot even understand the pain an adoptive couple feels when they are going through fertility issues and I never will. My heart goes out to that pain. I am not saying we as birthmothers should get all the attention. But I also cannot believe that someone who received a child to counteract any fertility issues they were having, someone who recieves another member in their family for time and all eternity could not have anything but thanks and gratitude for the one who made it possible....I understand wanting to cut down visits...but to go this far....it hurts me. If you believe in Christ at all, or in becoming christlike, you would never treat someone this way at all let alone the person who made this child possible. Now I ask any of you who read this blog....what can she do? What can my friend who struggled with the choice of whether or not to place already enough as it is, do to calm herself? What can she do with the couple? Please help me give her some good advice.
Well the first birthday has come and gone!! I thought I would be an absolute mess!!! But it was good! I did cry a little bit but overall it was fine! I wrote in my journal, looked at a few of the pictures I have from birth on up (thats funny because to be honest there is like a million pics). I decided yesterday was to be celebrated not grieved! Thankfully I have a fantastic group of friends who helped me through this milestone by calling and talking to me! I am so thankful to have gone through this experience. I was also lucky enough to get to see my baby a week before her birthday. Although it was a short amount of time, it was a good time! I was so happy to get to see her! She has grown so much and into a beautiful girl! I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father who has helped me through this trial and who gave me this blessing. I love you all!!!
One of the first steps in dealing with any loss is in knowing how grief may manifest itself. While I will be discussing various phases of the grieving process, it is important to remember that everyone goes through it in their own way, and in their own time. Your emotions may run the gamut, from sadness, to anger, guilt, relief and anxiety, all in one day! There is no set timetable for processing your loss.
Remember that grieving is often a process of two steps forward, one step back. There will be days that are better than others, and also days where it takes all that you have just to cope. Be patient with yourself. Talk to others who love and support you when you need to and take time alone when you have to. Give yourself permission to not be 100% at all times.
So you've placed and the baby's first birthday is coming up! What the heck do you do? I know Desha's baby's is on the twentieth and mine is August 20th. So what do we do?
Here are just a few ideas I came up with and have gotten informed of...
Make a picture book online of your baby
Go to the spa
Make a birthday cake and eat it
Call and talk to your baby
Buy yourself a new outfit
Hang out with good friends
Look at pictures
Watch a funny movie
Now these are just a few! Everyone handles things differently! Remember it is okay to cry...heck I do it all the darn time! But I also think it is important to reflect on why you made the choice you did. Remember that driving force! Most of all remember you are loved!
Grieving is something all sides of the adoption triad will go through.
The birthmother misses her child, misses the feeling of being pregnant, yearns for that feeling she once had.
The adopted child may grieve that they want to know their birthparent better, or want to know why they were placed, then the child may not grieve at all.
The adoptive couple wishes they could take away the pain of being infertile, they grieve when insensitive comments are made, they grieve when they see someone who has succesfully become pregnant.
These are not the only things that they grieve about. Grieving is just something inevitable. But how do we cope as birthparents?
I think to better answer this is to first look at the steps in the grieving process, keep in mind though that not every person goes through each step and can go thru them in random order, and can even repeat stages.
1. Denial and Isolation
-You deny it happened and withdraw.
I went through this right after placement. I was in denial and I didn't sleep that first night at all.
2. Anger
-You are angry at the world, or yourself for letting something like this happen.
I was very upset with myself for putting myself in this kind of situation.
3. Bargaining
-You say to yourself or God "If I do this _____, will you take away my loss."
I think quite a few birthmothers go through this as well as adoptive parents. Birthmothers say if I get my baby back, can I feel okay about it? Adoptive parents say If i do this, will a birthmother choose me?
4. Depression
-The person feels numb, although anger and sadness can be underneath
I think everyone who has placed know what this feels like.
5. Acceptance
-The person feel that sadness and mourning has tapered off. They start to just accept it.
I also think that this happens to several, if not all birthmothers.
Not everyone goes through all of these, but they are real steps. So how do we cope with these?
Here are some ways friends of mine have told me and I have found for myself.
1. Recognize it did happen
2. Write about it and your feelings
3. Talk about it
4. Keep yourself busy
5. Find a new hobby or restart an old one
6. Become an advocate for open adoption
7. Make a scrapbook of the experience or certain events like placement day or the birth
8. Pray about it and for help to overcome the grief.
Grief is real. I think it is important to recognize it. I would love to hear your thoughts on any part of this.
