What Can You Do?

Pin It

Alright. This isn't necessarily adoption related but hey whatever. i think it still needs to be said.

I had an interesting experience this week.

I used to work with people with disabilities. I quit this past October. I quit in large part because i was so sick with my pregnancy. another reason I quit...one of my co-workers hated me. I could feel the tension no matter what. I would wake up dreading going to work. I just kept saying "its her problem, its her fault." I have gone back to visit a few times since then and it was always VERY weird.

Well last night i had an epiphany. One that was a few months WAY too late in coming. All of a sudden I got this feeling of what have i done to have made this relationship so bad. I thought to myself. I probably had said some things that if you are not used to my dripping sarcasm (my major personality flaw) could have been taken very offensively. It was very possible that i may have seriously offended her. And even if I hadn't done anything wrong it is very possible that she just needed a friend or someone to talk to. I instantly thought back to this post.

Sometimes some people are having trials we can't see. My mom has many times told me "everyone loves to compare their backyard to everyone's front yard." Truer words have not been spoken. There was a great possibility that this co-worker of mine may have just been struggling with something deeper.

So this morning i decided to do something nice for her. I bought everything i could think of that she loves. Doritos, Fanta, Bubblegum, etc. Then I wrote a card. I went and dropped off. then I started to drive home. I had to pull over because i was shaking so bad. I was terrified of the unknown. I was worried she might take it as something i did out of spite rather than love and a sincere wish for a better relationship or at the very least an acceptance of my apology. A few minutes after i got a text from her. And ....

She said thank you, she said sorry, she told me some of the trials she was going through.

A H U G E burden was lifted off of my shoulders. i had lost nights of sleep over this tension. all i had to do was do something kind. It took me all of 15 minutes to pick that stuff out at the store, write the card, put it in a gift bag, and take it to work.

I am not trying to toot my own horn. i just am so amazed what a difference it can make in your life to be a peace maker. My mom suggested I try harder to be a peace maker a few weeks ago. And I have been really trying. My relationship with my sister has never been better and
  I have never been happier.

So i encourage you to go out, be a peacemaker, do something nice for someone. even if you just send a text. do it. remember that everyone has their trials and there is always someone who is worse off than you.

I love you all and i hope you all feel wonderful.

Here is a picture that brightened my day :) Hopefully it may add a little sunshine in yours....if not...its still cute.

Adoption Retreat

Pin It

There will be an Adoption Retreat in Orem,UT on MARCH 30-31st, 20012.

This Retreat IS geared mostly towards Adoptive Couples....HOWEVER.... we had several birthparents and a few adoptees last year and they loved it!

Here is our Tentative Schedule
Friday Night:
5:30 -- Arrival
6-6:15-- Keynote--Alex Rowley --Adoptee
6:15-Whenever -- Mix and Mingle

Saturday:
8:30-9:15--Breakfast
9:15-9:45--Keynote : Tiffany Baugh -- An Adoptee and Birthmom
9:45-10:30--Lindsey and Josh Redfern--Advice through the process, face 2 face, and preparation for placements
10:30-11:30--Adoptive Couple Panel--Ashley-International Adoption, Jenn-Foster Adoption, Josh-Domestic Adoption, Leisha-Older Child Adoption
11:30-12:15--Lunch and Musical Number by Alex Rowley
12:15-1:15--Birthmom Speaker(s) Gina Crotts
1:15-2--Closing and Raffle

IF you RSVP to FACEBOOK or Email Birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com

by March 1st the price is only 

40 dollars per couples (5 dollars extra for childcare)

or

25 dollars per person

Hope to see lots of you there!!! 

what motivates you?

Pin It

i read this article today about motivation, and it struck me, but not in a 'need to go to the gym', or 'get more organized' type of way. it struck me on a deeper, more philosophical level. (maybe cuz being in naturopathic dr school forces you to see everything from a whole picture perspective!? lol) 

**** this where you go read the article before continuing on ****

i particularly like the paragraph that addresses negative vs positive imprints. so of course i thought of adoption. there isnt much middle ground in adoption when it comes to sharing opinions and experiences, esp in bloggy land.  it seems to be a love/hate relationship with a few scattered voices in between. i love the reference to the neurology and survival mechanisms. (lets get serious for 1 quick sec, any level of involvement in adoption requires massive survival mechanisms!)

so i ask you, fellow birthmom blog readers and writers ....

what motivates you to share your adoption experience(s) in the way that you do? is it negative or a positive fuel that lights your adoption fire? 

what motivates you to remember the things that you choose to remember from the pregnancy, birth, placement, and the here after? 

the article closes with: "Motivation therefore, is not something we should rely on for long-term high performance..... self-awareness and self-regulation, are much better for longer term sustainability ..."

it also ends with a challenge: This week, take a measure of times in the day or week that you feel very motivated. Do a quick self assessment/scan of your thoughts and body. Gauge how long this state lasts for you, and what caused it. 

I think we could all benefit from taking this idea to heart in how we choose to remember, talk about and share our adoption experiences in the public realm, and also how we interpret other voices in the adoption world. self awareness and self regulation are much needed in adoption bloggy land, esp if you want anyone to take to heart what it is youre trying to say/share with the world!  

if we are motivated by negative, maybe its time to focus on the other 9 things [out of the total 10] that were actually positive for a bit. 

if we are motivated by the 9 positive things maybe we need to acknowledge and embrace that 1 bad thing, scary as it may have been, to fully accept our experience. 

of course no ones perfect, and of course no 2 birth mothers experiences are EVER the same, and of course no one is ever wrong to simply share their experience. but i believe that when we step back, and look at our motivations, we might be a little surprised, and hopefully will make some changes for the better, in how we blog and in all areas of our lives. 

~adoption luvs

JUST STOP

Pin It

I wrote an amazingly eloquent and politically correct post in my head on the two hours drive home with a screaming baby in my backseat....but i have only gotten 7 hours of sleep total in the past 4 days, and the only time i have spent with my husband this week either the baby has been crying or I have so here is what i have to say in the plainest way possible.

This week was awful. i was publicly torn apart from head to toe. it made me feel small, it made me feel like dirt,i threw up multiple times over it, i sat on my couch and literally cried for hours over it. Never in my life have i thought so very seriously and had to talk myself out of suicide. I wrote M. (the one who wrote the post) PERSONALLY!!!!! asking her to please take it down. Guess what? she did.. it is amazing what can happen when people act as adults. She also issued a public apology. I thought everything was water under the bridge. Until about 2 hours ago when i found out another post was written about me. because apparently some people in the honor of me felt it necessary to harass M.

NOT COOL


This post written this week affected my family. it was unfair to them to have to deal with it. As an adult we know that the Golden Rule rings true. How the heck can i expect M. and I to work things out and have her understand where i am coming from if people are doing the same thing to her. Leave her family alone, leave her alone.

There is enough friggin war (i am trying so hard to hold back any profanity) in the world. Yes Adoption is controversial. lets just all agree to disagree. some of us are happy about it some of us are not. Get over it. I will always stand up for my adoption. it is my story and always will be.

Please let us all just be nice. no one deserves to be harassed and made to feel like i felt this week. No one deserves to feel low. and Most importantly innocent bystanders like M's family and birthdaughter Definitely do not need to harassed either.

If you have been rude to M please please apologize.

If you have something awful to say to me....first think if it can go without saying, if it needs to be said, Email me for goodness sakes. that way i can respond to it in a thoughtful manner rather than feel like i need to be on defense.

Now i am going to attempt to sleep, hopefully my attempts will not prove futile.

Peace, Love, Chik Fil A.

Delivering Hope-Book Review

Pin It

Delivering Hope is a book by Jennifer Holt. I had the wonderful opportunity of getting to read this book. Let me just tell you it is a wonderful book. Not only is it an easy read, but it will definitely hit you right at home if you are part of the adoption triad. 

As a birthmother it really made me think very intensely about the other side of the adoption triad. In the first part of Delivering Hope you follow a woman and her husband and their journey with infertility. You can feel the heartache and pain. It is so well written i felt like I was there with her when she was crying, when the doctor calls etc. 

The second part of the book follows a young birthmother. The author truly hits the nail on the head when telling this story. It follows the complete process of emotion one goes through when trying to decide whether or not to place. It is easy to remember the emotional time when I too felt that I could raise the baby, then getting the distinct thought in my head that I was actually supposed to place my baby girl. 

Overall as you read this story and follow all these people on their adoption story you realize that adoption affects a lot more people than just the actual triad and it made me really remember everyone that was involved in my process. 

Jennifer Holt is an amazing author and I recommend this book to anyone really. You don't have to be involved in adoption at all to appreciate how great this book truly is. 

Some helpful information about the book

·         Release Date:  February 8, 2012

·         Published by Cedar Fort, Inc.

·         Available on Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com

·         Available at Barnes and Noble, CostCo, Deseret Book, Seagull Book, independent bookstores

·         My blog has a bio as well as a picture if you’re interested.

       

AND there is a GIVEAWAY going on by the author!!! Here is how to enter

1.  .  Become a follower of my blog:  www.jenshopefulwriting.blogspot.com and leave a comment letting me know you’re here!

2.      “Like” the Delivering Hope facebook fan page:  www.facebook.com/DeliveringHopeNovel

3.      Watch the book trailer:  www.bit.ly/peCixw and post a comment on the facebook page telling what you liked about it.

The winners will be randomly chosen at the conclusion of the blog tour and posted on both my blog and the facebook fan page by 10:00 am on Saturday, February 11^th.

A

Guest Blogger: To Each Their Own

Pin It

Amanda sent me this post and asked me to put up as a guest blogger. Amanda is one of my favorite people in the entire universe. She has an amazing family and an amazing heart. Here is her post!

To Each Their Own-

In recent events and throughout the 7 years of my adoption journey I have come across several situations where ones I have loved and even complete strangers have been attacked for their beliefs. I find it completely unfair and wrong for situations like these to occur. It brings sadness into my heart to know that their is such hate out their towards others and the beliefs they have on life, religion, and in the cases I'm writing about today, adoption. 

I do not doubt that their is sadness and despair in the world of adoption. In fact I have lived through it within my own family, but I also do not doubt that their can be and IS happiness in the world of adoption also. 

I placed a little girl for adoption just over 7 years ago. Throughout those 7 years there have been days filled with tears, laughter, and even days of a complete feeling of loss, but within all of those, FOR ME, their was happiness. I know without a shadow of doubt in my mind that placing T for adoption was the right thing to do. I believe with ALL OF MY HEART she is in the home she was meant to be and that her parents love her and are giving her the life she so fully deserves. (you can read more about my story HERE). With all of that said...this is MY story and mine alone. No matter how many other birthmothers I meet who might have a similar story to mine or whom I seem to be able to relate with, our stories will never be the same. We will each have our own happiness, our own heartache, and our own fears. Our stories will always be just that, OURS. But hopefully in someway we can be there to help one another through the grief and to share the times of happiness. 

I will never understand others reasoning behind attacking a fellow human being for their beliefs. We all have our opinions and feelings towards the world but it is NEVER okay to attack another with harsh words just because you don't agree. Birthmothers4adoption is here to bring light to the world on the things we feel as birthmothers. Just as First Mother Forum and other adoption blogs are out there to bring light to what they believe. Each blog shares a different view and a different light on adoption and in several posts I am sure the writers from each do not agree, but with that disagreement does not bring the right to attack one another for sharing different views. 

I don't think we are here as fellow birthmothers, adoptees, adoptive parents, perspective birthmothers, perspective adoptive parents or adoption followers to say who is right or wrong. We are here to share our voice and our opinion on the situation in hope that we might be able to help someone out there find peace or a place to find refuge in what can be a very hard and life changing situation. I know I certainly am not here to shove my opinion down someone else's throat or to make someone feel like what they believe is wrong. I share my story not only to help my own heart heal, but to hopefully help someone else's heal in the process. 

I've come across several posts and comments about adoption that I most definitely do not agree with but NEVER have I ever felt the need to attack that person for the way they believe. Instead I try to see where they might be coming from and try to understand how I might feel if my situation was like theirs. I think we have so much to learn from one another as human beings, but so often we are too quick to judge and to hurt one another just for believing differently. I am in no way perfect and most definitely have my lack in judgement and struggle so very much with judging others, but I hope that with that judgment I can try to see the realities of that situation and learn from it,  rather than be blinded by my own feelings and views. 

My adoption story is a happy one and haters call it whatever you will, but I am PROUD to be a "koolaid drinker" and no matter what you say or how much you want to tear me down for finding happiness in my story, I refuse to stoop to your level. I refuse to profoundly stand up and say YOU'RE WRONG just because I think I'm right. Sure I have anger towards those who so publicly claim I as a birthmother have been "brainwashed" into thinking I've made the right choice, but instead of attacking you in return I will post here and continue to praise MY adoption story for the wonderful blessing it has turned out to be. Because FOR ME it has been a blessing. Their IS happiness, and my life is better for the choice I made, as is the life of my daughter. 

I made my choice to place on my own. No one swayed me either way. I have a brain. I have my own free will, and even at the young age of 18 that I was, I was entirely capable of making that choice on my own, and I do not believe that "in time" I will realize the error of my ways. Wisdom does not come with age but with experiences, and I've experienced enough to know that my feelings on this will not change. Placing T for adoption was done through much prayer, nights filled with tears, and long days of pondering, and even through the hardest of times, I still know that the choice I made was right. For me, and her. In this I know that T will NEVER doubt how much I love her and think about her every day. She will always know how much I care about her and why I made the decision I did, and when/if the time comes that she wants to find me and know me as more than just her "birthmother" I will be there, willing and waiting to give her all the answers she may have. With that though I will never undermine her parents or make her believe they are something they are not and that I am something I am not. Nothing but the truth will ever be shared with her from me and that's the way I believe it should be. 

I know that just as the existence of my happy story is true, that there is also the existence of the stories of despair. It breaks my heart to know that for others things could have gone so differently, but I hope that as I learn from them and grow with the sharing of their stories that they can also learn from mine. 

I'm not the "world peace" kind of girl and it's not often that I stand up to defend what I believe but I can't handle anymore ridicule over choosing to be happy in my story, let alone handle any ridicule being shoved down the throat of my friends because they've chosen to be happy. We all have our own stories. They are all different. Instead of hurting one another, can't we just learn from one another? Isn't that one of the main purposes why we are here on this Earth? To gain knowledge? And who better to learn it from?

-Amanda