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Friday, July 27, 2018

10 Years In the Journey of a Birth Mother

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After I placed, I was numb. 

Sitting at my moms computer, seemingly cantatonic, clicking through pictures we had taken of Josie the night before. *click* *click* Unable to comprehend the magnitude of what I had just done. Not wanting to consciously process what had taken place a mere 7 hours before. 

I remember walking into my moms room. I don’t remember what I said, I think my body just desperately wanted someone to hold me and tell me that I was going to be okay. That I was going to forget and the pangs of heartbreak, abandonment, and unprocessed grief would subside. 

Aly was with me. We went back to school. The following days were filled with my body repairing itself and my mind destroying itself. She spent nights playing with my hair, helping me talk through the self destruction I was creating around myself with men, trying to distract me in the ways she knew how. 

I went to group every Wednesday, surrounded by women who got me, a time to break down and lose it, and yet, I felt like I had to fake it. Like I had to be happy, like people were counting on me to pull through. My family didn’t want to talk to about her, never brought her up. All I wanted to talk about was her. 

She was everything to me. 
I had pictures of her everywhere. 
I posted about her. 
I read the same blog post with her same pictures from her parents over and over again. 
She consumed my mind. 

Starting Blogging (B4A) and Tied At The Heart (even though it wasn’t called that early on) was my coping mechanism. My way to process my feelings truly. My way to grow and learn. I am so thankful for Desha who was my partner in crime and waded through the waves together with me. 

At times it has been painful to learn. Friends unhappy I went through an angry phase, friends who didn’t like how I felt about the way the church handled it. People who didn’t even know me writing vile things about me on the internet for all to see (including Josie). I kept moving forward. I needed the support, even if I had to build it myself. 

I still have people, people who don’t know me on a personal level, attack me often. By messaging, writing about me, in secret. About 3 months ago, I told myself, I am done, I can’t do it anymore. 

But my friends, the ones who get me, the ones who know my true heart. The ones who see the tears, the weakness, my deep love of God, and my deep loyalty…They pulled me up. They kept me going. They took charge and helped me where I couldn’t help myself. 

Tied At The Heart, is so important to me. Women who place their children for adoption are surrounded by people they can’t talk about their once babies to. They are surrounded by spaces that aren’t safe for divulging their true hurt, happiness, or feelings. They NEED a safe space. God has shown me over and over again that TATH cannot stop. That it is needed, even if in that moment I don’t, others do. 

I am thankful for those who have walked the journey of Tied At The Heart with me. Who have supported us. Come to events. Excused my imperfections and looked upon my true heart. 

If you ever need help or support, of any kind, I am here. I will do my best to support you or to provide resources that can. 

Thank you. 

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