Managing Open Adoption After Baby

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Having a baby is no joke. They take a lot of time, people aren't kidding around when they say that.

My baby girl wants to be held and talked to 75 percent of the day. Now that she is getting older i can put her down a little more. Anyways, i am busy. REALLY busy. Between blogging, starting a new company, working, cleaning, and school....i am stretched pretty thin lately.

Because of my life being so busy...lets just say that i have kinda neglected the adoption part of my life. I have not devoted nearly as much time as i want to the adoption things i love. Blogging, Retreat, talking with Josie and her fam.

i know everyone is always telling me to take breaks and I have been...TRUST ME. this is the most break i have ever taken. and it has killed me.

I miss talking to Josie's mom more...we she has sent me text messages and sporadic facebook messages and i have given quick responses. but I miss it. i miss knowing better what is going on in their lives. they mean soooo much to me. they are part of my family.

So for those of you who are at this point or have been at this point...how do you manage open adoption with your family.

I am going to visit josie and fam next month with my friend Tiffany and that will help me feel better about the situation. but i need tips.

How do you manage your time? Keep up with updates? Stay apart of their lives?

Music Stills The Soul

Have you ever heard how music can "calm your soul" or help to fix a broken heart (as well do the opposite for you depending on the type of music). I have always believed this and so when I placed my little boy for adoption I gave his parents a cd with songs that would always remind me of him. I recently bought an iPod for him and plan to put those songs and some additional songs on it as well for him.

There are times when emotions get to strong, hard to handle, and difficult for you to talk to anyone about (especially if they don't understand the situation or what you have been through). There are times I really just need a good cry to deal with missing Mr. B. I am still living in the community I was when I made the choice to place him for adoption but I didn't have much support from my community so beside my husband and mom, I really don't talk to many people about my choice. My husband even has guys at his work make comments to him about how I was before I placed Mr. B and how he's lucky I didn't "get rid of" his daughter's. I know this upsets my husband, so I try not to show too strong of feelings about their comments, but I normally get overwhelmed by my emotions.

At times like this I go for a drive and put on my copy of the cd I made for Mr. B or take my iPod and go for a run and listen to a playlist I have made to help me think about him in a more healthy way.

Here is a list of songs that I have on the cd and my playlist (some of these have a more personal meaning so I'll explain by them if they don't seem to directly pertain to adoption):

1. To Whom It May Concern - Creed (this song made me think about Mr. B after I placed him because it talks about how time keeps moving even when you're not ready for it to)
2. I Just Close My Eyes - Mark Wills
3. Home to Stay - Josh Groban
4. February Song - Josh Groban (Mr. B's birthday is in February)
5. When You Love Someone - Bryan Adams
6. There You'll Be - Faith Hill
7. The Dance - Garth Brooks
8. Tonight I Wanna Cry - Keith Urban
9. When I Close My Eyes - Kenny Chesney
10. I Can Still Feel You - Collin Raye
11. One More Day - Lonestar
12. What Hurts the Most - Mark Wills (or Rascal Flatts, I personally like the Mark Wills version better)
13. If I Never Knew You - Jon Secada/Shanice (from Pocahontas)
14. How to Save a Life - The Fray
15. Leave Out All the Rest - Linkin Park
16. Baby Mine - Alison Krauss (from Dumbo)
17. The Prayer - Josh Groban
18. Starts with Goodbye - Carrie Underwood
19. Lullabye - Jordan Bluth
20. River Lullaby - from the Prince of Egypt
21. I Give You to His Heart - Alison Krauss
22. Your Guardian Angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus (this was the song I was listening to when I got the first impression I might be pregnant with Mr. B)

I love these songs because they bring me back to holding Mr. B and to all the times I've seen him. I actually have nearly 100 songs on my playlist for him. I also hav a playlist for both of my daughters for my drive to and from nursing school this fall. I've also made a playlist for my husband and one for my dad (who passed away in '94).

What are some songs you do have or would have to listen to when your having a hard day? Do you have any songs that are special for a particular reason? Like the song "So Close" is my husband's favorite song to dance with me. I know he's going to be romantic (which is rare for him) when he turns that song on.

Share your feelings about the benefit of music and any songs you think work with your adoption situation or any other special situation in your life.

*Shanna*

Maintaining a Good Relationship

I was texting Josie's adoptive mom today and it got me thinking. What the heck made our relationship so successful and is keeping it that way? Especially because I struggled so much in the beginning. . .

I was talking to other bmoms and amoms about this recently and here is a list of things I figured out are surefire ways to make it successful and HEALTHY!

1- Maintain healthy and respectful boundaries

    a. I found that if you are respectful of the acouple they will be respectful of you (minus the few freak couples...but if you are freaking out about your couple stop and figure out what you could be doing wrong.)

    b.as stated in an earlier post know when to say when. If you feel you need healing time, Take IT! you will be much happier in the long run even if it sucks for a while.

2-Realize (however unpleasant) that although the child is your flesh and blood he/she is no longer YOURS

    a. yeah, its is not easy to grasp for some people at first but it is important to understand. I have heard many girls that do have a healthy relationship say its like visiting a cousin, niece, or nephew. you have fun when you hang out but you know you will see them again and they know you love them muchas!

    b. most a-couples i have talked to said they felt the need to back off a little because the b-mom or b-dad was trying to be mommy or daddy number 2 and help parent etc. 

3-Be willing to go with the flow

     a. realize that visits may not go as planned. children are unpredictable. children get sick. plans change. don't get butt-hurt.

- -What are your ways to keep your adoption super healthy ???? DO SHARE!!- -

Inevitable Regret?

I actually have had a few friends let me know recently about themselves or people they know that have said they regret placing.

Oddly enough every single one of these people are three to four months into the adoption process.

Also interesting, this is when i said, a couple times, "I need to get Josie back."

Now further on down the road, at almost 3 years.... I don't regret it and i would NEVER dream of saying I want Josie back.

So what has changed?

Well first of all, I have found myself. I have found who I am. I have MATURED
I was ridiculously RIDICULOUSLY immature. i mean in a bad way. I still have a little bit of that immaturity...but i am nowhere near as bad as i used to be. I have learned that there is someone of importance besides myself. I learned that no matter what even if it hurts beyond belief you need to do whats right.

I think another thing that has changed is i was able to see into the future. I had some space. Some time to heal and not have every second of every day revolve around that gorgeous little girl...that goofy, funny, lively, beautiful, sweet little girl. Now i think of Josie, I do. Quite often in fact. but now because i had that space it is a happy thought. A smile. an acknowledgement. An absolute happiness for her and her wonderful family. I was able to look in the future and see, now it might be fun to have her while she is a small baby, but what about when she is 3 or 4 and she wants a daddy. when she needs a daddy. What about when i am working 40 hour weeks and she was in daycare and i only got to see her for a few hours everyday before i had to tuck her in, go to bed, and start it all over the next day? What about when her biological sperm donor decided he wanted to be daddy and start a custody battle so that he could have those weekend visits, then having to explain his excuse of why he decided not to show up that weekend.
The future was my saving grace.

I think it is normal to go through a time of, "I want my baby back." Not EVERY person will go through it but i bet most will at least think it once or twice. I think it is normal to want to What If the heck out of the situation. But also during these times revert back to the journal entry when you wrote how strong you felt in your decision. Go back to those memories of the face to face, the choosing of the couple. Remember why you chose adoption in the first place.

Be careful that you aren't getting sucked in by fantasies, ex boyfriends, baby daddies, overwhelming depression.

Sometimes it helps to just vent in a journal, on a blog, etc. Just make sure to not dwell for an excessive period of time.

When times are tough find a good friend to talk to. one who will be honest, brutally honest.

I love you all!
Jessalynn

Adoption Cards

are you ready for this?! 

finally there is somewhere in the world that you can get cards specific to adoption! 

this is long overdue and i know the idea has been around for years and years floating in lots of crafty people heads', but it is finally a reality!

FAB-ulous article

5 things that i (birthMOM) love love love about this article:

"Taren Rucker isn’t sad, although some people might claim she has reason to be. Rucker placed her baby boy for adoption and, two years later, says she’s never regretted the decision." 

"Was it hard to place? No. It was sad. But is it hard to be a single mom every day? Yes.”

"The only regret she has is that Jordyn doesn’t have what Jaxson now has — a mom and dad at home and siblings."

".... she’s at peace because she knows she did the best thing for him."

"I can’t relate to other birth moms,” she said. “I don’t cry about it or beat myself up. It didn’t take me long to realize that being a birth parent doesn’t mean you have to be sad or give up your life.”

please feel free to indulge in the wonderfulness of this article that interviews taren rucker, single parent to a daughter and birthmother to a son! 

gogogo open adoption! gogogo positive birthmothers! 

Crossing the Line to Co Parenting

Relinquish is an ugly word. It will cut you to the bone. I feel the need to touch on this subject and talk about what it really means. If it just so happens to come off offensive, I am sorry but I am all about honesty.

Open adoption is a fantastic tool that we have nowadays that people didn’t have even as little as 4 years ago. It is a great way to stay in touch and and help you to know that the child you relinquished is growing up happy and developing well. It is also a great way for the adoptee to learn where they came from, their medical history, and most importantly- that they are loved by their birth families.

Unfortunately Open Adoption can also be a toxic relationship if not handled with care and compromise. I am talking about an ever growing trend called co-parenting.

The past few weeks I have been getting emails from quite a few Adoptive Couples talking about how they wanted their birthmothers to be a part of the adopted child’s life but that she was overstepping her boundaries and making it hard for the family to go about their life. It is important for all birthmoms everywhere, at any stage in the journey, to have boundaries that are made between herself and the Adoptive Couple. It is important to remember that you did in fact RELINQUISH your rights. That means you don’t really get a say in how the child is raised and what or how the child is taught... you chose the parents, it is THEIR baby. You can still be a part of the child’s life but you are not Mom #2, you are honestly and truthfully, the birthmother. What you did was something extraordinary, selfless, and sacred. You chose what you felt was best for the baby. I encourage you to remember this as you go throughout your adoption.

I think coparenting is a lot like coming from a divided home. Your parents are in two different households so their parenting styles do not always jive. Having come from a similar situation I know personally this can be detrimental and confusing.

Your boundaries, needs, and wants are going to change. But make sure that you are not stepping on your adoptive couple’s toes. You made such a hard choice; it will not make grieving any easier if you are co parenting. I have asked 12 adoptive couples what they classify as co parenting and I thought it might be helpful to know what to watch for in you.

· Excessive Visits (i.e.  multiple times a week, once a week, etc)

· Excessive phone calls and/or texts (every day or every other day)

· Sharing your parenting style and then asking them to follow it

· Asking to take the child for a certain period of time

· Babysitting- esp on a regular basis

I just think it is important for our healing as birthmothers, to remember that relinquishment is truly relinquishing your rights as a parent.
I love you all! I would love to hear comments! Jessa

not knowing

i have many many birthmother friends who are dear to me place their children for adoption in a closed adoption. some of them have had things open up over the years, some have even had reunions as their children turned of age and they found each other. 

but most of these birthmothers, they just dont know,  a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g. 

can you imagine? i cannot. 

not knowing your childs name, not knowing their face, not knowing their parents' names or faces, not knowing what state they went to after leaving your arms, not knowing if they, god forbid, have died. 

i had a distant relative thru a marriage that has since dissolved pass away this last year, he was adopted, and i had to wonder, does his birthmother even know? probably not. and that broke my heart even more than it already was for the loss of this mans life. 

i try to not take for granted the gift and the blessing that is open adoption and the reality of literally being the sole owner of my sons birth certificate from the hospital, its in my filing cabinet. the reality of knowing exactly where he is, seeing faces and meeting several of his extended family.  the reality of being the one to place him in his parents arms and didnt just hand him to a caseworker and watch him get loaded into the back of the caseworkers car never to be heard from again. 

the reality of hearing MY name come from HIS lips. 

the reality of knowing. 

i know and he knows. priceless precious sacred information.

we are lucky indeed. he points to my stomach and his, and tells me that i grew in his tummy. hes still working on exactly what it is he knows, but he knows that it involved him and me, not just him and his mom and dad. 

so many 'dont know' and that hurts my heart. just because 'i know' doesnt mean that i dont have a responsibility in making sure that others get to know. things need to be changed, for those currently involved in adoption, those who have yet to be involved in adoption, and even for those who missed the open adoption band wagon. those people still. deserve. TO. KNOW. 

and its US- the birthmoms of open adoption, who need to make sure it happens for them. we need to raise our voices LOUDLY and support the basic human right that is 'to know'. 

this is national adoption awareness month, and i ask you, women of this open adoption era...

are you aware what the laws regarding adoptees rights in your state are? for past present and future adoptions? 

are you aware of the pain and worry and grief that comes from not knowing? 

are you aware of those around you that are struggling with this burden? 

are you aware of how truly blessed you are to know? 

if you are not aware, than i challenge you to break out of your comfort zone and become aware. and once youve done that, then please, lets rally together and help our sisters who dont know by telling those in legislative positions how important and wonderful and healing it has been for us to know. 

we have been given much and so we too must give! 

adopted: for the life of me

 

it has already aired in OR, but i see in utah and california and other states it hasnt yet. someone record it on their DVR for me! i expect all of you who can and are able to watch this, to seek out more info, to read stories, to click 'share' on facebook when you see stuff about adoptee rights, and share your personal thoughts about this subject.  

i challenge you this month and every month to 'spread the word', tell everyone you know about WHY open adoption has been so great for you, about how knowing has been so great for you, so that one day, we can all know.  

i challenge you to be a voice for those who were told they werent allowed to have one, for those who are not allowed to know. 

as always, adoption luvs

the lime green ribbon represents adoptee rights,
it has been and always will be on our side bar.

Loved

This is a poem my mom found.
I love it (minus the give you up part), I think it is beautiful

Don't Question for a moment why she chose to give you up,
Not because you were not wanted, but rather out of love.

She carried you for all those months, wishing everyday,
To be the one to watch you grow, to love you and to play,

She wanted you so very, more than you'll ever know
She wondered where she'd get the strength to ever let you go

But soon the time had come, after many sleepless nights
To put away her own desires and do what she knew was right.

They gave her stacks of letters and photos to look through.
Though all seemed like loving couples, only the best would do.

And when she saw their faces, no doubt left in her mind.
She'd made the right decision, and took the pen and signed.

And as she signed those papers, tears falling down her face
In your ear she whispered, my heart will always have a place.

For you my little darling, are loved beyond all measure,
We thank God for your birthmom, like you she is our treasure.

Guest Blogger! My Baby Josie's Adoptive Family

Big Brother 1 (BB1)
Big Brother 2 (BB2)
Adoptive Parents (AP)
birth mom: (J) aka (JLBills)
Baby J: Josie

1) what do you remember about the face to face? What about when you found out you were getting a baby?

AP: First of all, we prepared the boys for this first meeting by telling them that we were just meeting J and that she would not make a decision about choosing to place her baby with us that day. That's how we as AP had been advised and prepared by our "social worker". So, with that, we went into the meeting not expecting anything but a get to know each other session. The boys were a little nervous for the face to face, but it comforted them knowing that their cousin (the birthmom's friend) was there. So, when J pulled out a basket full of baby related goodies we were shocked. I don't think any of us including the boys knew what it meant until we found the picture of the sonogram that said Congrats. You're having a baby. I think at that moment the boys had a permagrin on their face. We went out for ice cream after the formalities and that's the part the boys remember.

BB1: I liked going out for ice cream. It was fun getting to know her more and have her ask questions about things we like.

BB2: I liked talking with her and her friends. I loved the picture of the baby. I wanted to take it everywhere with me to show everyone. As soon as we got back to my cousin's house I ran right in there house to show them the picture.

2) Finding out it was a girl?
AP: Once we found out the baby was a girl I wanted to surprised the boys in a fun way. So I bought a PINK baby doll, cute little pink shoes and wrapped them in a package. I told them the gift was something our new baby could use. When they saw the pink and the doll, they knew it was a girl.

BB1: I had been wanting a baby girl for quite a while, so I was excited to be a big brother to a little sister.

BB2: I thought she might be a whiner, but I thought it was cool.

AP: We were elated. AD (adoptive dad) wept.

3) what do you remember about coming down to the hospital? What were your feelings?

AP:The boys were at their grandparents during the delivery. We didn't know for sure if our birthmom would want the boys at the hospital, but she wanted them there the very next day. The boys were stoked to be able to come. The whole experience was new and unknown of course for them, but it helped again that their cousin and aunt were there for most of it.

BB1: I remember talking to J's family and they were really nice to me. I remember J giving me a hug from her bed and then handing me Baby J to hold. I thought her face was puffy, but I loved holding her. She fell asleep in my arms.

BB2: I remember being happy and everyone in the room happy and then this nurse came in and got mad at us for me and my brother being in the room. Then I remember everyone telling the nurse that we were the baby's brothers.

AP: We wanted to be sensitive to J and her need for time with Baby J as well as her family, so we did not bring our boys with us. It made my heart feel so good that she wanted the boys there right away. We were also so appreciative of the time we were able to spend with J's family. We shared a very special experience with them when we came back to the hospital the day after the delivery. The boys remembered very clearly the event with the nurse. Just for explanation, the nurse was just doing her job enforcing the rule that only immediate family members could be in the room. She was apparently not up to speed on the fact that this was an adoption. So, she was quite adamant that the boys could not be in the room. I think it shocked us all when J and her family immediately replied just as adamantly that they were immediate family; they were her brothers. Then the nurse still didn't get it and turned to J and said "You're not old enough for these boys to be yours". Immediate reply: "they are her adoptive brothers." I think at that moment it really hit us and the boys that yes, our boys were her brothers, yes we were going to be her parents and everyone in that room knew and supported it. Great feeling.

BB2: I remember going back to the building where we met J the day after we were at the hospital. I remember giving J a special gift. We got her a build a bear and a necklace and we got one for Baby J too so they matched. I remember J giving me a hug and her mom and dad telling me to take care of Baby J.

BB1: I remember J and her family crying. I hoped they were crying for joy. I was sad for J, but I knew we would take care of Baby J.

3) what do you remember about josie coming home?

BB1: First of all I did not like it the my mom and my new sister did not get to come home with us. School started for me a few days after Baby J was born, so I had to go home. I remember me and my brother and dad calling my mom every night to talk to mom and Baby J and have family prayer over the phone. I was so excited when they finally got to come home.

BB2: I remember our neighbors decorated our house and front yard with a big welcome home sign when my mom finally came home with Baby J. I remember being nervous at first to hold Baby J b/c I was afraid I would drop her.

4) do you ever have to explain to your friends about her being adopted? How do you do it? And does it bug you?
BB1: Some of my friends ask me if my sister is adopted b/c she has different color skin than mine. It does not bug me that they ask unless they ask me over and over. My friends think Baby J is so cute.

BB2: It does not bother me if people ask me if my sister is adopted. After my sister was born I told everyone at school that I had a new sister. My friends think Baby J is cool.

5) what do you feel about josie's birthmom still visiting? How did you feel about coming to her wedding?

BB1/2: It's amazing. She's one of our best friends. It's cool. She gives us hugs. I wouldn't feel weird at all with her around my friends or at church. I would introduce her as my friend and my sister's birthmom.

BB2:The wedding was awesome. I was a little disappointed we didn't get to spend more time with J, but my mom helped me understand that it was her wedding day and she needed to be with all the other people.

BB1: Most people didn't know me and I felt just a bit out of place but I was glad I got to see J again.

AP: I just have to include this cute story. As a family, we had been looking forward to attending J's wedding. My son apparently had been talking about it at school with his teacher and how excited he was to go. When I went in to my son's classroom one day I was visiting with his teacher and she was asking me about our adoption. I was explaining to her that we have an open adoption, that we communicate regularly with my daughter's birthmom and that we were going to her wedding soon. She explained to me that my son has been talking about going on this trip for days and he was so excited to go to "one of his best friend's wedding." My boys absolutely adore J. I am excited for them to be able to tell our daughter about her birthmom and share their experiences with her.

adoptee rights- progress

i heart progress in the adoption world, heres a lil bit involving adoptee rights to their original birth records!

even though this aired almost 3 years ago, its still worth celebrating and advocating for release of these records in all states.

i love that the study showed that so many myths involving keeping records closed are simply untrue. progress is often slow and can only be done one step at a time, but spreading the word so that more can be involved is going to help. if you are involved with adoption in any aspect, even if its an open one,
i encourage you and challenge you to find out how you can help 'the cause' and get adoptees their records so that more reunions can take place, so that healing can take place! there is a great peace that comes from the truth and knowledge of who you are and where you came from. EVERYone is entitled to that peace.

i got your back

it seems that the dark side flares every now and again. its flaring. im not the brunt of the flare this time, but some that i cherish are. these thoughts are for me, for them and for every person who embraces claims owns and grows from their adoption experience. whether you are an adoptee, a birth parent, an adoptive hopeful, or an adoptive parent, i am here to remind you that your adoption experience is just that. YOURS. dont ever let anyone lead you to think otherwise.

if you had/have a negative or less than ideal experience, i challenge you to find the good in it, i challenge you to learn from it, i challenge you to turn that negative into a positive for someone else. i challenge you to use your voice to create positive out of your negative for the world we live in, the adoption world.

if you had/have a positive experience, i challenge you to remember the good in it, i challenge you to learn from it, i challenge you to pay it forward and help create a positive for someone else. i challenge you to use your voice to create positive in the constantly evolving world we live in, the adoption world.

my luvies, you know who you are, this is for you, i got your back, cuz lord knows youve had mine...

dear unhappy adoption world people. 
do NOT rain on MY parade. 
many adoption luvs, birthMOM

things birthmoms love

i am often asked by adoptive moms 'what do i get my childs birthmom?!' or 'when should i give presents?!' heres what i came up with as an overview of some basics, although creativity and uniqueness = endless possibilities in the gift giving department. 

what would/do you love to receive? (please leave comments!!)

~~~~Special days that a birthmom remembers and especially ponders on with the child(ren) she placed:

The day she first made contact with you

The day she picked you

The day she gave birth

The day she placed beebee in your arms

Birthmothers day

Mothers day

Fathers day

Both you and your spouses’ birthday

Babys bday (actual bday and the day of each month – 9 mos, 10 mos, 11 mos, etc)

Major holidays (xmas Easter Halloween thanksgiving Vday etc)

Birthmoms bday

The day she found out she was pregnant

It would be beyond amazing to know that you remember these days (if applicable) and take a special moment to ponder as well. A phone call, a card in the snail mail, a quick email, something to know you are thinking of us too, means more than we could ever say in human words. By all means, don’t feel obligated, but if you are thinking of us, it helps us to heal to know that you care and remember.

~~~~Birthmoms love pictures, any and all pictures are very deeply appreciated, portraits at milestone ages are awesome and a great way to see the changes in baby. taking a picture on the day of birth each month or taking pics next to the same stuffed animal (basically something to track growth) is a fun pattern.  we also love not just the ‘posing portraits’ ones, we LOVE real life pictures. We love to see ‘moments’ and candid pics of growing learning playing. We don’t care if the baby/child is looking directly at the camera and smiling perfectly in every single pic, sometimes we’d rather see a pic that truly captures the essence of this little person rather than a forced pose. 

We love pictures of baby with mom, and dad, and siblings, and gparents, we love to see baby with their family. Its good to see everyone loving baby and baby loving everyone. That’s what we wanted when we chose placement.

And yes, honestly, sometimes it does tug the heart strings a little but that’s ok, don’t let that stop you from sharing pics with us or think that you cant be in any of the pics you send, we will deal with it as we know best, maybe that means we wont reply right away or comment on every single picture, but we still would love to have them to see and cherish in our way and time. i dont think there could ever be too many pictures sent. and with blogs, shutterfly, photobucket, email etc, its sooo easy to upload even hundreds of pictures with just one click - i do it every week. if you feel like taking the pics is an inconvenience and/or obligation, well then you need therapy cuz that is a travesty ;-)

~~~~Video clips are awesome treats for us! A simple 30 sec file from your digital camera of baby laughing or smiling or walking or getting messy or eating, etc is such a fun thing to be able to watch over and over and over. Its amazing to be able to ‘see’ and ‘hear’ real life, esp if visits are not possible.

~~~~Something that I think would be so fun but have never actually received is a letter themed, ‘a day in the life of ____’ written from the baby’s perspective. Creative, different and personal, I think it would give a great insight and healing confirmation to any birthmom- a letter like that would confirm the reasons placement was chosen (even if as an Amom you don’t know those specific reasons) and theres nothing more wonderful for a birthmom than thinking ‘yep, right there, THAT is why I chose placement!’. how fun to get a letter like this at various stages in growth and development, some sort of regular interval. 

~~~~Sentiment goes a very long way. If a gift or card or picture or letter or date is sentimental to you, beebee or birthmom, or better yet all three, then it is a fabulous gesture. For ex, I very much heart sunflowers, and the gifts I receive are always wrapped in some sort of sunflower ribbon, a portrait of beebee was framed with a sunflower, and from my side of the spectrum, I give childrens story books that are sunflower themed at xmas and bday. Sentiment just adds that little extra umph of ‘we care about YOU’.

~~~~Sincerity!! The best thing ever is just a simple loving phrase of ‘we love you’, or ‘we love our baby’, or ‘not a day goes by that we don’t remember the blessings and miracle of this adoption’. Use your own vocab words of course, but nothing quite touches the heart of one mother from another, than a simple sincere expression of love. 

some of my sentiments received at placement

(((there is a list of adoption and birthmother gift ideas on our left side bar! if you have any links resources or ideas that we can add, please leave a comment!)))

*** There is no right or wrong ‘gift’ to give a birthmother, any and everything is appreciated beyond words able to be expressed. Sadly though, most birthmothers have never received anything besides an agency-required couple of low quality pictures at the one-year birthday or one annual portrait with a mediocre update. Perhaps as you remember your child(ren)s birthmother(s) you can take a moment to remember those of us who have been forgotten as well. ***

always thrilled ...

always thrilled to find adoptive parents who 'get it'.
and maybe its so thrilling cuz they are so very few and far between.

loving this post 

and this post

and totally eating this one up 

i know ive asked it before, but ill ask it again.... is it bad to covet adoptive parents?

still gushing over this one.

Where do you feel safe?

Today I realized something new about myself. First though, I need to give a little bit of a back story.

I am super outgoing! I love to talk to people and make new friends. Sometimes it is hard to get me to be quiet. I love to try new things and go on new adventures. I will talk to ANYBODY.

I used to go to group in Logan, Utah. I love my group there. I felt SO close to almost all of the birthmoms I met there. We used to all go to dinner together, we hung out. Wednesday was group day. I loved that day more then anything in the world. It didn't matter what else happened I could vent at group. I was in a place where I felt loved, like I had friends, and I could say anything I was feeling. The day I left Logan I cried mostly because I didn't want to leave my birthmom friends.

Now I just moved and I started going to another group. Today was my first day. I felt so weird. So different and out of place. I was horrified. I wanted so badly to talk and say how I was feeling but I was nervous to hurt anybody's feelings. I wanted to just make a friend that I could share how I was feeling to. I couldn't. I felt totally alone. It was really tough on me.

I realized that my safe place was in Logan. At group. Amongst my friends that knew me for who I was, understood my situation, and would be there to give me a hug when I needed it. I realized my safe place now is at home with Wes and most of the time on my blog here.

So I was curious for everyone else to answer this. Where is your safe place? Email me your answers or comment below!

Thanks guys for letting this be a safe place for me to share! I appreciate all of you who read this blog! Jessa

open - nothing else matters

thanks to my birthmother sister/friend shelley of adoption connections i was able to find a gem of a blog  - and a particular post especially.  this adoptive mothers words are beautiful, admirable, courageous and beyond full-of-love.

i very much want to give a shout out to her compassion towards the family's who birthed her children, her love for her kids, and therefore her love for their 'other mothers'. she is a fabulous example to all adoptive couples out there and i wish, truly wish, that more will take her words to heart and follow her amazing example.

heres a snippet:
I understand that some would use any of the ample excuses at my disposal as a reason to close an adoption.   Run-ins with the police, active addiction, inappropriate gifts, uncomfortable situations, angry family members, criminal activities are all reasons we hear for closing up relationships.  My kids first parents live complicated, confusing, difficult lives.  That I do not deny. And I love them.  


My love, my overabundant, over whelming, huge amount of pure love for my kids cannot erase their need and desire to be loved by their original parents.  

breathtaking? hell yeah! 

wanna read more??  of course!

it is the amazing wonderful women like this adoptive mom, who demand openness out of love, that give hope and strength to those birthmothers who have been lied to, betrayed, and cast aside by our childrens adoptive mothers. shame on them, for out of love, only good grows.  Jen is proof of that! thank you jen!

A Poem

Warning: I am not an amazing poet! I just wanted to share my feeling.

Nine short months I spent with you
many long nights I cried.
I wanted to do right by you
Give you a good life

I was on my knees every night
begging to God above
What I had to do for you
While showing all my love

I met a girl named Aly B
who showed me what was right
She helped me meet your mom and dad
I talked to them that night
From that time on
the adoption journey took flight

When we found you were a girl
I was filled with glee
Two big brothers and a princess
The family was complete

Then came time for you to come
and fill our lives with love
Your pretty face and fun spirit
surely sent from up above

I can't believe you are almost two
My how time flew by
you always make me smile
And you don't even have to try

You bring so much joy to everyone
You are not run of the mill
I love you sweet baby girl
and I always will
Jessa

a simple reminder

~~ its easy to be happy. 

i choose to be happy. 

jessa chooses to be happy. 

its ok if you dont choose the same, 

but dont try to convince me/her, 

or anyone else who shares their stories on this blog, 

of otherwise. ~~

i feel it is important to publicly state that everyone is invited to share their experience, but each is simply that- an individual experience, nobody can take that experience away from us or transplant their experience onto someone elses. we all choose to share various snippets at various times of the things we have overcome and learned in the process. if you would like to guest blog i invite you to email me (deshawood at gmail.com) or jessa (BIRTHMOTHERS4ADOPTION @ GMAIL.COM) your story. we would love to post it! 

WHY i feel that being positive is important and WHY sharing that positivity with others IS important 

"I have a voice, and I’ve chosen to use it, for good. I want the world to know that I placed my baby for adoption and I am HAPPY about that choice. I can honestly say that I know I always will be. "

the piece linked above was written by desha aka birthMOM, to help commemorate and celebrate national adoption month (november) 2009 per invitation by the arizona experiment.

Moving on?

So I don't know about you but one of the questions I am constantly asked when the subject of placing my baby for adoption comes up is "how have I possibly been able to move on?"

I've often said that it's not about moving on, its more about choosing to live. I mean really...could we ever truly "move on" from what has taken place in our lives? For me it's more of a "getting stronger" process. Regardless how many days, months, or years its been since placement I often have to make a conscious effort to tell myself it's okay to be happy. In the beginning I felt like if I was happy, there was something wrong with me. Like it meant that I didn't love my daughter enough or I wasn't taking the situation seriously. I don't think any statement could be more false. When it comes to getting stronger, for me it's just a matter of taking it day by day and being okay with being both happy & sad. However I think it is SO important for us to learn to live our lives for us.

I have several friends who have had similar experiences in life and they have chosen to live their life in their experience. I am not here to lecture but I want to encourage that it can be so damaging to throw ourselves so much into that moment of our lives that we aren't capable of living for anything else. I've seen these girls struggle to be okay with their decision and have made their soul purpose in life to be ONLY about their children. Even as a woman who has the opportunity to raise her own child it is so very important to have some part of your life be for yourself.

Where does it seem to be that I am going with this? I know that often my thoughts might seem jumbled or confused, but this has been something that has been on my mind for awhile now and I think it is important for us to know that: It's OKAY to live, It's OKAY to be happy!! Does these mean you've "moved on" or forgotten what's taken place...HECK NO, but it's a part of what is going to make life healthy.

When I'm in my moments of sadness I recognize that this too is healthy when it comes to the healing process of what can sometimes feel like the "loss" of my child, and it is in so many ways an event that takes place to remind of that pain and how much I truly do love that little girl. However after a few hours, or days, or sometimes even weeks I remind myself that she is living her life and an amazing one at that, and I too deserve to live mine. In reality I take the time to live my life for her. When we meet again someday I want her to see that I've had a happy life and that by giving her more, she in return gave me more. What better reason is their to live a happy life? What better excuse do I have to be successful?

To make my jumbled-ness more simple: Live life. Live Happy. It is okay to be sad, but more importantly its okay to BE HAPPY. Don't feel guilty. I chose to place my daughter for adoption so she could have a better life, how crazy would it be if I didn't choose the same for myself? You deserve this! You deserve to live. Now go do it!! :) BE STRONG & recognize that you already are!! 

                                                                     

                                                                         -Amanda

Reflections

WOW!  I just realized tonight its been almost 18 months since I placed Josie! Holy Smokes time has flown by me quick!! 

I am so excited because I get to see her and her mommy very soon!! I am so excited I could type the word excited an amazing amount of times!! 

I was looking back and thinking about everything I have done since then:

I went to school for another semester, I went to 2 more military trainings, I met an amazing man!!, I learned more about myself then I ever have, and I have made a great amount of friends from so many places! 

I am so thankful for all my friends and family who have stood behind me. 

This shout-out is especially for one person in particular:

Alyson! 

Aly is my best friend in the entire world! I moved into her apartment when I was just a few weeks pregnant. She is also the one who introduced me to Josie's fantastically perfect family.

Aly is the most amazing person I know. She is always so christlike and thoughtful. She helped me through my pregnancy right down to the very birth when she was by my bedside encouraging me to get through it all. She has always been there for me, no matter what. We have had our little squabbles, but every good friend does. If it hadn't been for Aly helping me through it all, I don't think I would have been as strong as I did. There were so many nights where I cried uncontrollably after I placed and she was there helping me out. I remember one time in particular when I couldn't stop crying and she sat there turned on a movie for me and played with my hair till I calmed down. That may seem insignificant, but for me there is nothing that can ever replace a good friend. Someone who will be there for you through anything. Aly and her family were amazing to me. I feel so apart of her family its ridiculous. 

My whole point in going on and on about this is that everyone needs a good support system. Whether it be a friend, family, a boyfriend, or God. Everyone needs someone. We simply cannot get through this life alone. Whether you are religious or not, I think you could agree with that. 

So here is to you Aly and all of my great friends who have helped me out so much!