Thursday, May 26, 2011

Knowing When To Say When

I am writing this post about one of my friends. She doesn't know it...but i felt inspired to address this very situation.

Open Adoptions are often described like marriages. They take time to figure out how each other ticks and what each other needs. You have to constantly evolve in the relationship and change how things are done to tailor it to the ever-changing you.

There have been times in my own open adoption where i needed to take a step back and have me-time (in fact if you haven't all noticed i had a couple weeks of just that)
Sometimes you just need time to heal, regroup, and refocus on you and not so much the world of adoption. This is where some girls/women get into trouble. I have noticed that there are many of us who have placed who don't know when to say when.

Sometimes TOO open of an adoption can be unhealthy and not help us heal. The adoption can often take over our life and become the only thing we think about. It consumes us, our conversations, and our relationships. This is when we as strong women have to step back and say. "I need a break."

One of my friends has recently realized that she too needs a step back. She cut herself off for a while. She realized she wasn't healing properly. She realized things were going quite the way she needed them too. By doing this i grew an enormous amount of respect for her. ENORMOUS. It takes guts and a mound of self-honesty to take this kind of step. Not many people like to be honest with themselves.

To verbalize this step is even more amazing. when we verbalize goals they become easier to achieve because you receive help along the way. There is a huge sisterhood of birthmothers online and in support groups in various places. places where (usually) you can feel safe sharing your story, your thoughts, and your struggles.

I encourage every birthmother out there with an open adoption to take a step back, look at your adoption, be honest with yourself, and decide if you need to take a step back. It may be rough at the beginning but in time you will be blessed tenfold. you will find an inner strength and heal the way you need to.

I am so thankful for this friend being a shining example to birthmothers everywhere.


MrsPerrbear said...

I've noticed lately that a lot of us are "on a break",(must be the weather?) and I agree with you...it helps a ton to regroup, and refocus. I think it's vital to our stories, and vital to our sanity. Great post! Thanks for sharing, and reminding everyone that it doesn't always have to be all consuming. :)

Lara Zierke said...

So true. Everyone heals different and needs different things at different times. It takes a lot of courage to step back when needed, and jump in when you need that too. Hugs to all birth moms!

jessxdriver said...

today i just signed the papers to relinquish my rights to my son. i gave birth to a beautiful baby boy three days ago. any advice to help with the healing? im in so much pain, physically and mentally. it is an open adoption. right after i had him, the parents came to see him. a couple minuts after the nurse gave him to me they arived. i let his new mom hold him and after that she completely took over. it was so hard for me being that we had made different plans, she made it seem like i was going to be able to spend time with him and be able to hold him and be able to talk with him so i could have some type of closure. she ended up completely taking over and i didnt get any time with him. it was important to me that i at least have some time with him, and now that is gone, because he no longer belongs to me. it is suppose to be an open adoption, but now im just hurt with the way things happened at the hospital and i dont want to lash out at the mom (whom is a friend of mine) i have so many emotions going on right now, regret is not one because she is a wonderful mother, but i feel like i was used. i just need to know how people get through the first couple of days without loosing their minds. im probably making to much out of what happened and need to tough it up a bit, ive been trying to just keep a straight face and remember that it is for the best and at least he is in a two parent home, my feelings shouldnt be so much of a big deal, because i made the choice. i think thats how i should be feeling. right?

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