MY experience = mine.

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It needs to be said- for my sanity, and to offer support to every other woman who has a similar experience to mine.

Let me start by reminding the masses that if you know me at all, you know that I am a true friend to many adoptive couples and hopeful adoptive couples. I host an annual adoptive couples retreat just because I love them so much. I would think it is even safe to say that 95 percent of my friends struggle with infertility and/or are hopeful adoptive couples.

I know first hand the struggles of infertility. I have experienced it. I survived the loss of two precious babies in first and second trimester, and the partial loss of my reproductive organs. It was devastating. It broke my heart. I was angry, sad, bitter, hurt, and stressed. I was even told the chances of me birthing children in the future weren't that great. After surviving all that, the Lord has blessed me with the ability to carry a child and I am beyond thankful everyday for that chance. My gratitude is between the Lord and I. I do not need to prove that gratitude to anybody else = my facebook friends, my blog followers, acquaintances, etc.

Here is why I'm upset. 

Every. single. time. that I have made mention of any of my current pregnancy symptoms and difficulties 

- both medically diagnosed and emotional, 

without fail 

at least one person who suffers from infertility has told me to "be quiet and be thankful". 

These passive aggressive reminders have been sent both in private messages and in public comments on my personal blog and facebook page. 

I will admit, it too annoys me when women endlessly complain in public about every. little. last. uncomfortable. ailment. regarding their pregnancy.
I will admit I have indeed complained at times about the effects of this pregnancy on my health, my body and my emotions.

Let the record be noted, being pregnant can really suck sometimes. 

Especially for me. 

(I know I am not alone in this truth.) 

I will offer an unnecessary brief background for those that are not familiar with my health issues... I lost 35 pounds in a matter of weeks due to constant vomiting and was diagnosed with severe hyperemesis gravidarum . I literally couldn't even walk into my own kitchen or open my fridge without vomiting. My only option for basic nutritional support was to be hooked up to an IV every day for a few hours. Even this was difficult, as my veins collapsed too many times to count and left the nurses with few options. No medication has eased this medical problem, neither has 'time'.  I have crippling migraines that have left me in the ER.  During my first pregnancy, I had to have my appendix removed. The list goes on, but I will not bore you with it, nor is it any of your business.

I have every right to complain about these things. You have NO right to tell me that I don't.

This is MY experience.

The majority of my posts on my personal blog and facebook have been happily sharing how excited I am to receive this new life into my home.  Yet I am still told to stop complaining, be thankful, etc.  Maybe I should feel sorry that it offends you that I am complaining a little about the fact that I haven't eaten real food in months...but tough luck. I am gonna complain. If you don't want to hear/read it, don't.

I do not need to remind you that I am also a birthmother.
I too went through something tremendous. In fact, I still have hard days...ESPECIALLY while I am pregnant-  I can't avoid all the time I have to simply sit here and think of all those moments I missed with Josie. Do you hear me spouting off and telling other birthmothers to 'be thankful' because even though they are struggling post placement, they got to hold their children first? no! Instead, I tell them how happy I am for them, that they got to have that birth experience. My adoption experience was mine, and theirs is, theirs- I respect that.

"... be thankful that I can bear children..." UGH!! so many times a day I am on my knees crying, thanking Him that I get to be responsible for this child! I shouldn't have to tell you that! I shouldn't have to defend myself! 

To my friends suffering infertility....you just can NOT expect the world to sensor what they say to make YOU feel better.  The choice to be offended is yours alone.
I choose to not take offense, nor can I expect people to say the politically correct or most emotionally sensitive thing ALL OF THE TIME about placing a baby. I don't want people to stop sharing their experiences nor do I want them to censor their experiences out of fear of what others might think!

This post is not meant to be mean or purposefully insensitive nor is it directed at any one individual; if you choose to not follow my blog or be my facebook friend anymore because of this post, I will respect that.  However, it is important to me that you all know that it really hurts when I am deliberately told that I am not being grateful enough for this beautiful baby girl. It hurts when I am told I do not have the right to be annoyed or upset about things while I am pregnant. 

We can all use the reminder "You never know what someone else is going through." Infertility is NOT the only issue. Placing a baby for adoption is NOT the only issue. Being adopted is NOT the only issue. Different people go through different/similar trials at different times. Each of our experiences are our own and are unique, even though they may be similar- this is a gift, for ourselves and each other.

I feel a strong love for every person/couple that struggles with infertility issues. Truly if I could find a way to bring every single one of you a baby into your home, I would. I say that with all the sincerity and love in my heart. But please don't make myself, and others like me, feel guilty about being pregnant and about sharing our pregnancy struggles.

And to my birthmother sisters- I hope you know that 

I have a strong love for every. one. of. you. 

(even if i don't know you IRL) I wish I could talk to you all, everyday, and give you a hug if you needed it. But please don't make those of us who are in a different part of life's journey (fertile, infertile, single parenting, etc) feel guilty about being pregnant [again].

luvs to you all, Jessa
Thank you muchas to birthMOM for helping me organize my emotions by editing/co-authoring this post.

still smiling!

What is so good about being a birthmother?

I received the following on our b4a fb page: 

Why do you advocate adoption? Is it because you think you will be a scandal and bad example to your 'illegitimate' child? Or do you think you are too poor? Or do you think you are too uneducated? Or do you think you should not parent without a husband? I would love to know what is so good about being a 'birthmother', whatever that is. There is no such thing as a birthmother, in fact. The ***person*** who gives the child birth is its mother. What kind of a mother, is the vital question. Is she an abandoner? Is she lacking capacity?

My answer for this is far too long for facebook.

It never ceases to amaze me when i get called an abandoner. Or when my love for my sweet birthdaughter is questioned. 

To answer your questions 

I wasn't afraid of being a bad example. 

I did feel I was poor, but that is not why I placed. 

I was/am uneducated, but hat is not why I placed.

I did feel very strongly I shouldn't parent without a husband, that is not why I placed.

I placed because I knew with every fiber of my being. With every bit of my soul. That the baby I was carrying inside of my womb was meant for so much more. That she deserved so much more. 

If you want to know more about how I feel you can read this post

To answer your second set of questions:

What is so great about being a birthmother? Oh where do I even begin? So much is great about it. Yes, at times it is filled with great sorrow, hardship, and tears. But 99 percent of the time for me it is filled with so much more. 

I get to see my beautiful and ever so talented birthdaughter grow up with two parents. I get to see her have pets. . . oh the pets ... pet pigs, dogs, and sheep. I get to hear of her adventures. I get to witness her growth. I get to hear her speak, hear her laugh, and i get to hear her ask silly questions. I get to see her grow an understanding of where she came from, and who she came from. I have seen a family become complete. 

As a birthmother I have met many many others in similar situations. I have heard many other success stories. I have made life long friends. I have learned of the hardships of infertility. I have learned of the joys of placing. I have found God's love for myself. 

A birthmother is not lacking in capacity. It is quite the opposite. A birthmother is booming with capacity. So much so she was willing to do what was best for her child. A birthmother has so much strength she was able to do one of the hardest things one can do.

My child was not abandoned. She was not cast to the side like an unwanted object. She was carefully placed into a loving home with a prayer and a blessing. Everytime i see her I have a reaffirmation that what I did was right. And nobody can change that. 

feedback needed

I am doing a little article on Birth Mother's Day for our local FSA newsletter and wondered if I could get some perspectives from different people in the adoption community regarding it. Things like 

How you feel about the day? 

What you do to make it special?

What have you received that made it special? etc. Thx!

I wont post any names or any identifying info in the newsletter, unless you want me to! ~Linda H

facebook

just a quick fyi, we will be removing the facebook networking feature of this blog in the near future. 

if you follow us on facebook and not on blogger/google reader, please make the switch so that you dont miss out on any of our great posts! 

while facebook added some social networking capabilities with the blog, we have decided that the benefit is not enough to outweigh the hassle of blog management from multiple locations.

we look forward to your comments on past and future posts on this blog, as do our other readers! 

if you are a birthmom blogger wed love to link you on our side bar. leave us your blog url!

as always, if you want to guest blog about ANYthing, let one of us know! sharing parts of your adoption journey with others is a HUGE part of the healing process. in the past weve had adoptive parents, adoptees, birthparents, and extended family members from both adoptive and birthparent perspectives share their thoughts feelings stories and insights.

adoption luvs, birthMOM and JLBills

what is an advocate? please comment!

please tell me, what does this lil question mean to you, how would you answer it...

what is an advocate? 

there is no right or wrong answer

many people advocate for all different sorts of things related to adoption. 

some advocate for abolishing all adoption practices, 

some advocate for adoptee rights, 

some advocate for family preservation, 

some advocate for children in foster care, 

some advocate for same sex couples to be able to adopt, 

some advocate for open adoption, 

some advocate for birth father rights, 

some advocate for post placement rights, 

some advocate for themselves because they are hoping to adopt, 

some advocate to rally support, either for or against, 

some advocate to tear down others views, 

some advocate to tell their story, 

some advocate to raise awareness regarding agency practices,

some advocate for respect for birthmothers,

... the list goes on.

so i ask you again, what is an advocate?

i have another question for you to ponder for me:

what is adoption? 

again, no right or wrong answer

one last question.

in regards to adoption, what would you advocate for? why? 

please feel free to message me your answers privately if youd rather not leave a comment here. deshawood at gmail

these thoughts will be compiled anonymously and used by me in preparation for a class im teaching on nov 6th 2010 at 1130 am, in federal way washington, at the families supporting adoption NW regional conference. "SHARE THE GIFT!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

on a related side note, this makes my heart happy. 

mrs international 2010 - adoption advocate
our devine miracle 'miss magic' 

little moments that last a lifetime

do you remember our giveaway from the r house couture, the birthmother necklace? coley was the winner and she shared the letter and picture below with me the other day. what an amazing memory for her! i luv those lil amazing adoption moments that last a life time. thank you again r house couture for such a great giveaway, and thank you coley for sharing!

also, remember that they do custom inspirational jewelry pieces, if you participated in the giveaway or left your thoughts on this post, be sure to leave a comment with your email addy so you can be sent your r house couture coupon!

Dear r house couture,

I just wanted to take a minute and say THANK YOU for the beautiful necklace I won via the give away at birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com. I was so excited and even more excited when it arrived just a couple of days before C's birthday. I knew that even though others might forget that it would be his birthday, I'd be honoring him privately all day long by wearing that necklace. 

On his birthday, he came over to my house for dinner and cake as that is our yearly tradition and his Mom was taking a few pictures of us for me. After a few snapshots, C lost interest but his mom still had my camera in her hands so I asked her to snap a close up of the necklace and explained that it was an adoption necklace. C over heard and said that he wanted to see and came over to look at it more closely as I explained what each piece symbolized. His Mom snapped a picture of him looking at it. While you can't see the necklace that great in this picture, I still love it and thought I'd share it with you guys. It was such a special and tender moment!

Thank you again!!

~ Coley

we tried to do something that tied together the entire adoption triad. this is what we thought: the ribbon charm represents being a birth mother and the birth mother's love just like you have on your site. the white pearl came from the white ribbon which represents adoption as a whole and the long charm with the initial at the bottom represents the child with their initial on it.

as an adoption mom, i love the white pearl on there. there are few people more precious than the birth mothers of my boys. there are few women i know who have sacrificed more. white just symbolizes something sacred ...and i needed to express that in this piece. ~mrs r

why birthMOM?

incase you are one of the many who have ever wondered why i blog as birthMOM,

 the answer lies in the comments section of this post. 

feel free to leave your own thoughts to Mary's questions. 

I've already shared my opinion:  I Call My Child's Birthmother "Birthmother" because she gave birth to her.

What are YOUR feelings on the matter?  If you have placed your child for adoption do you find the terms "birthfather" or birthmother" to be offensive?

If you are an adoptive parent , how do you refer to your child's biological parent(s)?

If you are adopted, what do you call the people who conceived you and gave you birth?  

Allow Me to Introduce Myself

Hello Friends, Readers, and the General Public.

I realized last night that I have never properly introduced myself and since there seems to be mix-ups all to often about what I do here...Allow me to explain.

My name is Jessa. I placed a little girl for adoption almost two years ago (August 08). I love adoption more then I ever have before. I have been surrounded by adoption since I was very young. Several family members, friends, and neighbors that have been adopted, have adopted, or have placed. When I placed and I was having a hard time I decided that I wanted to do something, I wanted to show the world how much I loved adoption and Why it meant so much to me. I wanted if possible, to reach out to others and help them in any possible way. I decided on a blog. So I enlisted help from a birthmom I met in Oregon (aka birthMOM) and I set off on a journey. To my surprise it took off better then I ever expected! I was delighted. We now have readers from California to New Zealand. Amazing!

This site was originally created for just birthmoms and that is the main focus here. However it ended up being helpful to adoptive couples as well who like to hear the birthmother side. It is so great because I also have been able to better understand adoptive couples. I decided to organize some retreats. I first did an adoptive couple retreat. I had a BLAST! I met so many wonderful people. I got to sit in on the birthmother panel, and watch the adoptive couple panel! So many great people I met that weekend.

So I do not lie on here, sometimes I can be a little harsh on some situations but that does not mean I hate adoptive couples or birthfathers. I understand there are two sides to every story. I understand that open adoption is not for everyone. I know that being a birthmom can bring unbearable grief and unparalleled joy as well.

I do not people bash on here. I do not mention names with out permission from that individual. There are times when I even just write briefly about a person and make sure that its okay to even share their story.

And just in case you cared
I enjoy the color yellow, fettucine alfredo, long walks on the beach, and Chik-fil-A lemonade.

:) I love you all!
Jessa

the perfect piece of jewelry - do tell!

july and august are going to be months of celebration for jessa and myself.

why you ask?
2 yr old birthdays and 2 yr placement anniversaries!! 

to celebrate the birth of our children and their adoptions, we are going to be hosting several giveaways that are exclusive for birthmothers! (thats right, only birthmothers are going to be able to enter these giveaways!!)

we have some great donations but im not going to tell you what they are just yet!
(if you want to contribute or donate a giveaway please email me asap, deshawood at gmail dot com)

BUT i will hint at just one for now..... please check out the r house couture etsy shop. they have quite the shop of adoption themed hand made lovelies - bracelets, necklaces, earrings, t shirts, etc

take a look at their pieces, read the descriptions, the sentiments, the reasons they chose to make the pieces they did, get a feel for their style and their creations..... then..... come back to this post and tell us what you think the perfect birthmother necklace/jewelry would look like, what shapes, what colors, what sentiments, what wordings, what would it 'look' like, what would it represent, what would it 'feel' like. be specific, use details, be creative. remember they are fabulous with incorporating custom ideas.
the three lovely ladies (one two three) behind therhouse couture creations want to know! (hint hint wink wink)

the sooner we get some feedback to therhouse couture, the better, so hurry and look thru the shop and then share your ideas here!

jessa and i are excited and hope you are too!!
this summer is going to be fabulous!!

a simple reminder

~~ its easy to be happy. 

i choose to be happy. 

jessa chooses to be happy. 

its ok if you dont choose the same, 

but dont try to convince me/her, 

or anyone else who shares their stories on this blog, 

of otherwise. ~~

i feel it is important to publicly state that everyone is invited to share their experience, but each is simply that- an individual experience, nobody can take that experience away from us or transplant their experience onto someone elses. we all choose to share various snippets at various times of the things we have overcome and learned in the process. if you would like to guest blog i invite you to email me (deshawood at gmail.com) or jessa (BIRTHMOTHERS4ADOPTION @ GMAIL.COM) your story. we would love to post it! 

WHY i feel that being positive is important and WHY sharing that positivity with others IS important 

"I have a voice, and I’ve chosen to use it, for good. I want the world to know that I placed my baby for adoption and I am HAPPY about that choice. I can honestly say that I know I always will be. "

the piece linked above was written by desha aka birthMOM, to help commemorate and celebrate national adoption month (november) 2009 per invitation by the arizona experiment.

Dr Seuss is Great!

So I was cruisin along on facebook looking at some groups.

When I came across this quote, written by Dr Seuss

After this past week of going back and forth

its exactly what i needed, Please enjoy its worth

"Be who you are and say what you feel,

because those who mind don't matter

and those who matter don't mind."

So i realized something great from just this one line

my opinions are great solely cuz they're mine

We are all entitled to say what we feel, how big or how small

because those who really matter will stand behind it all

Comments

I love everyone's comments on this site. This site is something that I hoped would help people. I do not mind differing opinions. However, I do mind bitter, hateful remarks against adoption. I do mind bitter, hateful remarks towards birthmothers. So I plead to you, if you have a problem with a posting on this site, please direct it to my email birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com. I would be thrilled to discuss it. I do not appreciate being called and incubator, a baby-seller, someone who was tricked, living in fog, etc. I made my choice with full knowledge of the adoption process and I know I am not the only one. Those of you who have terrible adoption experiences to share, my heart goes out to you, I have one of those experiences in my family, BUT THIS IS NOT THE PLACE TO SPREAD HATE!!! If you would like to be a guest blogger and share your whole story email me and I would be happy to post it.

Thanks so much, Jessalynn

while feedback and comments are appreciated and its great to know that there are readers out there, ridiculous accusatory and untruthful statements will not be tolerated aka if a comment is posted in a derogatory context towards members of this site or the birthmother community, it will be deleted by a blog author or administrator.

there is an appropriate way to share your opinion- even if it is an opinion differing from the majority or even if it is 'a negative' opinion. please be mindful.~birthMOM

Answers to some Questions

Answers to some Questions -
First of all Birthmother's Day is the Saturday before Mother's Day. Its a great day to remind your birthmother that she is still loved and that you love her!

Second, i don't think you can ever send TOO MANY pictures!!! A great idea that my baby's adoptive parents carried out was creating me a blogspot and they update the pictures on there!! Its great because my family can log on to it and see it and it is personalized just for me. I also like that they upload the pictures to a share file...you can use walmart, photobucket, or shutterfly and others. You can upload the pictures then they can print them out!! Last idea is a photo book! I love that when my baby turned 1year her parents sent me a book with some pictures from the last year with poems and songs! It was my favorite thing.

Hope that helps!!
Jessa

Dating after placement!

Hey guys! Sorry it has been so long!! I was asked the other day by someone through email how to handle dating after placement. This is a great topic for external comments and opinions!!! I know that I prefer to tell people right up front by like the second date! Some people wait till they are engaged. I want to know what people's thoughts are on how to handle it!! I will post them!

How long do you wait to tell them?

How do you tell them?

What do you do if handle it wrong??

because most never read the comments

comment from Christie Smathers in response to this post

I am a birth mother of a 2.5 year old son. I had alot of friends who told me i was a horrible mother for doing this and i didnt love my son. Recently i was told that i was wrong in "forcing myself upon my birthson" because we have an open adoption. I love my birth son and his family. His parents are more than best friends to me, and more than a sister and brother. We are almost like one family - just with 4 parents. We see eachother and talk to eachother all the time. We love eachother. I love my son as much as i love the child i now have with my beloved husband. My birth son knows who i am, and will always know. My daughter will always know who my son is and his parents.

What i try and remember when these people say these things is that they dont know. They dont know how much i love my son, and why i did what i did. How can they know when they themselves have never - in anyway - been touched by adoption? It is truly the greatest and hardest thing a parent can do, is send her child out to live a better life. Did moses' mother not to the same thing? Did joseph not adopt Christ as his own son? And as for those who speak ill of my openness. How can they know of the love and unique and special one-of-a-kind relationship i have with my family? Each birthparent-adoptivefamily relationship is unique and special in its own day and though some people can understand parts of it, no one can ever fully understand.
Personally i know that i did the right thing. Adoption is a beautiful thing. People are all for adoption when someone is adopting, but hate it when other are placing (including my own grandmother. I was placing my son and she hated me for it even though my aunt had just adopted a little girl). They need to realize that every aspect of adoption is beautiful, and wonderful and miraculous.