from one adoptive mom to another

Pin It

A letter to Other Adoptive Parents

There is an issue that has been weighing on my mind lately. I have heard from a number of birthmothers who chose open adoption who feel forgotten by and disconnected from the families that adopted their baby. Some have had promises broken, some do not have the contact that was discussed, others have felt that they have become an afterthought or no thought given to them at all. It is heart breaking to see their longing to participate in a relationship.

I know that as parents we are busy. I get it- babies take time, there is sleep deprivation and the search for the elusive binkies and time to shower. Then as time goes by there is school, sports, practices, activities, figuring out what is for dinner, homework, grocery shopping, work and still finding time to shower. I get it-  we are parenting- loving, worrying, teaching, helping, hoping. It is all encompassing. Free time and social time can often disappear. It is joyous and wonderful and the most difficult thing- to be the parent we want to be. But we can’t forget- we are able to be a parent to this child because of the sacrifice of another. There is another who loves your child, who worries and hopes and loves.

Now I am not asking you to continually worship at the pedestal of   “birthmother”- this idea is distasteful to everyone involved- what I am asking you to do is to remove the pedestal and recognize that your child’s birthmother is a human being with whom you can have a real human relationship. Will this relationship look the same for every adoptive family? Of course not. Every family, every birthmother, every child is different. But what we can, as adoptive families do, is to get to know our child’s birthmother and find out what her needs are, what her hopes are and be open to this relationship evolving. I am begging you not to forget that placement was a beginning, not an ending.

I am asking every adoptive family to examine their feelings, attitudes and relationships in regards to birthparents. What is keeping us from having a real relationship? A relationship with give and take? Acknowledgement of the role they play in the creation of our families? Again this will look different for everyone, but ask yourself if what you are giving is truly what is wanted, what is truly your best effort? Is a few email updates a year really what is wanted? Is that really a relationship?

Unless your child’s birthmother tells you, I have always found that more is better than less. What keeps you from giving more? Is it fear? Fear of what? The unknown? Fear of the “worst case adoption scenario”- which for the record happens mostly on tv. Is it fear of being hurt or your child being hurt? Are you fearful of managing another relationship? Of boundaries? That someone (maybe you, maybe them) might say something inappropriate or hurtful? Is it fear that by including your child’s birthmother, it somehow makes your family less, instead of more? Adoption is about love, not fear. As we open our hearts to our children- how can we not open our hearts to their birthmother? How can we not let her know of our love by thoughtful communication and acknowledgement?  Will our children’s birthmother always be in our first thoughts daily? Not usually- that place is often reserved for our children, but she should not be relegated to our last thoughts or not thought of at all. Our children’s birthmothers should not be a box to check off- yep, sent the yearly update- but we should have a sincere desire to let her know who our child is becoming. Be secure in your role in your child’s life. We share our children with many people- grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, teachers, coaches, why would we shut out the very person who gave them life?

I have met many birthmothers and I have yet to meet one who wants to “co-parent”. Their sincerest desire is to know and have a relationship with you and the child that they placed for adoption. That is why they chose open adoption. It is not to interfere with your family. They will never forget the baby they placed, the baby they broke their own hearts for. Please don’t forget them. I am not asking you to be best friends, but I am asking that you keep your promises, that you open your heart, that you acknowledge this unique human relationship, that you create what works in your family for the entire adoption triad, not just what is easiest in your busy life. Please remember that we are all human and we will all make mistakes, but we can put forth our best effort. I have different relationships with my children’s birthmothers- one is easy, one is not as easy- I sometimes have to remind myself not to be offended, as I believe she means no offense- but I can’t imagine not having and maintaining regular contact. I believe that this is best for me, for them and for my children.

Please, families, if you have lost contact, lessened contact or pulled away, even unintentionally, consider the effect this has had on your child’s birthmother and what effect it may have on your child, now and in the future. Can you imagine how a birthmother feels when the adoptive family doesn’t even send pictures anymore? Examine your interactions, are they sincere? Can you do more?

Please let faith replace fear and let open adoption be a joy in your life.

Sincerely,

An Adoptive Mom

Guest Blogger: I am an adoptee excited about the future

Pin It

I was born in 1978 through LDSFS, my adoption was closed.  

I had no information about my birthmother other than the non-identifying information 

about my birthmother and birthfather.  I always knew I was adopted growing up, 

there was never a time when I didn't know.  I never felt weird about it, 

my parents never treated me differently or made me feel adopted. 

 

Even though I always felt loved and never out of place with my family, 

I couldn't help myself but to wonder about my birthmother.  

I always wondered about her, what she looked like, what she sounded like, 

why she chose to place me for adoption, and if she ever thought about me.  

I always wondered if I looked like her, or where I got some of my personality traits from her.  

It was always hard going to the doctor not being able to tell them your families medical history.  Every time that came up I always cut them off with, "I don't know I am adopted."  

I always wanted to meet her just to say thank you.  

Although, I never truly understood what she went through until I went through it myself.

Having gone through the adoption process as a birthmother myself, 

I have so much respect for her.  

I do not know how she did it back then, 

never knowing where I ended up and never seeing me again 

after I was taken.  She had great faith that I would end up in a good home with great parents, 

who could provide for me more than  she was able to.  

Which they were amazing parents and were able to provide me an eternal home.  

Going through that made my desire to want to find her even stronger than ever.  But every time I went to ask if I could find anything I was always told the same non-identifying information I had been told already.  Because my birthmother never signed a consent to search form for the file the agency could not tell me her name or anything.  

For 15 years I ran around in circles trying to find information about her, more than what I had.  But to no avail that was not happening.

I was watching Troy the Locater Show one day 

and got an inspiration to write into the show to help me find my birthmother.  

I mean what could it hurt...everyone else had told me no up to this point 

and that is what I was expecting this time too.  

The file was sealed and they would not be able to get into it.  

About 6 months after I e-mailed them they called me and asked me if I was still interested 

in finding her.  I was...so the search began.  

It took almost a year, with a lot of resistance from the agency not wanting to give up information.  I am thinking they were scared to give it because they didn't want to get into trouble for giving it out.  But, finally I had all of the information and they found her for me!  

I wasn't born or raised in the state I am living in now, 

so when they found her I wasn't expecting that she would live 20 mins away from me.  

For the last 8 years I have lived here she lived 20 mins away!  

We started corresponding through Facebook at first 

and then exchanged phone numbers and started texting, and then we talked.  

We decided to meet.  

We met at the temple for the first time.  

I was so nervous, I felt like she would be so disappointed in me, 

or think I wasn't pretty, or something negative.  

But that was not the case.  

She loved me and accepted me with open arms and with an open heart!

Meeting her and being able to talk to her in person was awesome!  

I found out that she did see me after I was born against the hospital's advise...

she held me and kissed me.  

She gave me a name and everything.  

That had always been a burning question in my head, 

if she had seen me, or if she had ever held me...and she had done that!  

What a wonderful feeling to know that she did love me and want me, 

but she knew that she wasn't going to be able to support me 

or provide for me the way she wanted me to be.  

She wasn't going to be able to provide me a father 

and knew that would be important in my life.  

She had such faith that I would end up in a good place and have a good life.  

I did have a good life, I have the most amazing parents in the world.  

I am so grateful for adoption!

Adoption has made me who I am, 

a strong woman who has a strong testimony in God's plan for me.  

He knew where I needed to go and gave my birthmother the courage 

and the strength to do what she needed to do to get me there.  

She left her home and everyone she knew to another state to strangers to have me, 

because she knew my parents were there.  

She is my hero and I will always be thankful for her.

I have a relationship with her.  

I see her as much as I can.  

My parent's have been so supportive in my quest to find and get to know her.  

My daughter recently got baptized and she and my half sisters were 

there to share the day with us.  It was a neat experience and they are just beginning!!  

I am excited to see what the future has in store for us!

loving a birthmother - from K

Pin It

thank you K for sharing your unique perspective as a birthmother AND an adoptive mother! 

When I was trying to conceive, I felt hopeless and angry that I was not getting pregnant. Suffering from secondary infertility was very hard because there was no medical reason for my inability to conceive. I started to feel inept.....I wanted to be a mother so badly. My maternal instincts were so strong. I started to hate my decision to place my only son for adoption years earlier. I questioned God and His reasons for not allowing me to be a MOM. Then one day, I decided to just give it up to Him and asked him to make me a mother if he felt it was in my life's plan. 

After years of almost desperation, I received a phone call from a friend who asked if I was interested in adoption. I was sort of caught off guard, but she knew of my infertility struggles and desire to be a mother. I told her I was interested. 

A few months later, I was speaking with Peyton's Birth Mom on the phone discussing the possibility of adopting her son. I was scared and elated at the same time. I felt so badly for Ashe as she was making a very hard decision to not parent her 2nd child. I know how it feels to place and it is AWFUL. Ashe and I agreed to meet only weeks before she was due to deliver. I felt very strange being on the other side of adoption. All of a sudden I was on the recieving end of a birthmoms grief. I knew all of the pain she would endure and the loss that would she would feel for a very long time. 

We decided on an open adoption. I was eager to be open with Ashe as I was only able to have a semi-open adoption with my bio-sons parents. I wanted Ashe to know everything. I wanted her to be part of Peyton's life. The special woman who loved him so much and she chose me. She chose me to raise and love him in her absence. She chose me to kiss his boo-boo's, mend his broken hearts and teach him about the world and life. 

God answered my prayer. I am truly blessed to be Peyton's mother and I love Ashe in so many ways. Not just because she chose me. But because she trusted me. In the 5 years since Peyton's birth, Ashe and I have grown extremely close. We text all the time and call eachother and play on Facebook. We visit when we can (we live in seperate states). Ashe is part of my family. Sort of like my sister. I feel her pain and see her happiness.  And I love her for so many reasons it is impossible to write them all down. Ashe helped heal the hole in my heart by making me a mommy. And we both love the same boy in the same way. 

loving a birthmother - from B

Pin It

sadly we have never met irl, we tried to rendezvous in sunny ca, but it wasnt in the stars. regardless, i do luv this girl! she and her hubbs are in the preliminary stages to getting approved for adoption again. If you would like to learn more about them and their family, you can contact them at corybeccafamily@ gmail dot com

Hi! I was asked to write about our relationship with my children’s birthmothers. To start off as an introduction, my husband and I have two children we adopted at birth. Our son is 3.5 yrs old and our daughter is 23 months old. As you can see, our children are still very young and I would also say that our relationship with their birthmothers, is still in a stage of relational infancy as well. In fact, my husband and I have been married for almost 11 years and I feel that we are just barely out of the infancy of our relationship. Lol.

As I sit and think about my love I have for my children’s birthmothers, I am instantly brought back to what brought us together as women. Although the very difficult & loving actions these women chose was ultimately the start of a relationship, it was a choice we all decided, and continue to decide, in maintaining our relationship. My relationship with both these women is different, as they are different people. So to give readers in the adoption community some more diversity in adoption relationships I will discuss both of them and how they are both unique. To distinguish the different women, C will be the woman recognized as our first born (son’s) birthmother and J is the birthmother of our daughter.

After our son’s birthmother C chose to place her son with us for adoption, we began writing to each other. My relationship with her has been a slow, steady, safe & very trusting place of growth. In the beginning C was leaning heavily on a closed adoption. I really hoped that our relationship would continue to grow but I also realized that we needed to be patient as her ‘distance’ was the way for her to work through and go through what she had to go through. When we were at the hospital with her, she had decided that she would like to keep in contact for a year. As the year was approaching we were so nervous that our contact and relationship with her would end, but come to find out she thought the same thing and had emailed me hoping we could continue to keep in contact. Since then and from the time of our son’s birth, we have maintained a relationship and I love her so much. We began communication with C via snail mail but we have also evolved into email, blogging, facebook and messaging. What I love about C is her loving heart. She is sensitive, caring, and thoughtful. She is one of those people, that once she befriends you, she will always have your back and be a devoted and longtime friend. We feel so blessed to have her in our lives and I am grateful to call her my friend. We are so excited every time we hear from her. My son has her same sensitive soul and devoted protective nature for the people he loves.

The weekend J, our second birthmother was due to have our daughter, we flew out to meet her. Prior to that we had been emailing & talking on the phone to get to know each other more. She invited us over on a Saturday to her home for dinner to meet her and her family and her grandparents. One of the main reasons J chose us to parent her daughter, was because of some specific experiences that her and I had in common. From the beginning, I think this connection immediately created a bond between us in addition to the adoption aspect of our relationship. We communicate with each other via snail mail, email, blogging, facebook, texting and phone calls. I am grateful to have her in my life. I love that she calls me for important things going on. I was the first person she called to tell me she was getting married and then later having a baby. She has told me several occasions that I am like an older sister and best friend to her. I love our friendship & love how we can talk like sisters and feel so comfortable with each other. That comfort we have has made it easy to work through misunderstandings we have had and I am sure we will have more, all relationships do. At this stage in our relationship, we don’t get to talk as often now that she is married and has a family and little ones to keep her busy. I love that she has a big heart, is feisty, funny and compassionate. We love that our little girl has those same qualities too.

I am grateful for these women I have in my life. One of the things that really contributed to a great start with these women is that they expressed from the beginning the type of relationship they wanted to have with us, and how much they wanted to be in contact. Of course with C, she initially leaned towards a more closed adoption, but we also had expressed that we had hoped that it would open up and giving her that knowledge, allowed her to feel comfortable opening it up more when she was ready!

loving a birthmother - from Me

Pin It

Late afternoon shadows and light bounce off the walls and floor as I slowly rock down the hallway, humming to the baby cradled in my arms. She holds her bottle tight between tiny, chubby fingers and I’m cherishing this quiet moment we share in preparation for her nap. I concentrate on willing this memory to be filed away in my subconscious so that it might be recalled later in my life -- perhaps one day when my arms are not so full.


My petite girl turns her head toward me and gazes contentedly up into my eyes. If she didn’t already have me wrapped completely around her finger, she wouldn’t have to try hard. Next, she does one of my very favorite things. She grins at me so that she drools a little milk out the sides of her pretty pink lips. Not only is her mouth smiling, but so are her beautiful blue eyes. Whenever those eyes meet mine, there is a fraction of a second when I feel my heart might beat just for her. And then I remember how blessed I am to not only have Amelia in my life, but to have Carter and Ruby as well.

little millie

And then Amelia’s smiling eyes remind me of someone else. Every time I look into them I feel a connection to another woman who is a hero of mine, and not just because she chose me to be the mother of two of my three children. I love her for so much more than the act of making an adoption plan when she discovered she was expecting. She wears the title of birth mother, yes, but she is so much more than that to me. She is beautiful, inside and out. She is brave. She is sweet. She is courageous. She is a mother. She is a daughter. She is a sister, an aunt, and a friend. She is full of love for all her children and for her family. She will never get sick of me texting or sharing pictures. She gets as excited as I do when one of my kids reaches a new milestone. She has made some really selfless choices in her life. I’ve seen her sacrifice everything for what she feels is best for a child. I’ve known her heart to break more than once, and yet she keeps going, trying to be the best she can be. I love her for all these reasons and more. Honestly, we only get to see each other once or twice a year and we haven’t spent hours chatting or going shopping together. However, I feel a connection to her on a deeper level than almost anyone else on this earth. I will always love and respect her, no matter what. Carter and Amelia are part of her. She is part of them. As Desha says, “He is mine in a way that he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way that he’ll never be mine, and so together WE are motherhood.” Just looking into my daughter’s eyes reminds me of this.

carter and his birthmother

I place one last kiss on my Millie’s forehead and, just like at every nap time, I tell her I love her, tell her to rest well, and carefully close the door of her room on my way out. I pray silently that I can be enough for my children, that I can somehow express a love worthy of two mothers who both want the best for each of these children. I always want my children to know that they were placed in love. I will always do my best to teach them the full extent of that love. I am grateful for the openness that we do have in our adoptions, even if it’s not as much as some have, because it means honesty, truth, and knowledge for my children. It means they know they have always been cared for. I hope both of the women who gave life and birth to my babies know how reverenced their names are in our home. I hope they know I think of them, pray for them, and hope the best for them every day. I hope they will feel my gratitude for them this weekend as we celebrate Birth Mother’s Day and Mother’s Day.

darling ruby

handsome carter

There are a lot of miracles that come together to make up every uniquely beautiful adoption story. 

I am blessed to have three miracle children in my life and to be reminded of their birth mothers 

each time I look into their eyes.

the arizona experiment

For more info about this family please go to:

http://thearizonaexperiment.blogspot.com/

Taylor-From TLC's Birth Moms

Pin It

Today we interviewed Taylor Walters. Taylor has a great story. Taylor also has a little girl she parents named Nevaeh.

How long ago did you place?
I placed in Febuary of this year. So about 3 months ago.

Did you have a boy or girl?
I had a baby boy.

What is his name?
His name is Jamin.

Tell us a little about yourself?
Im 19. Im currently going to school for a Nursing Assistant now. My daughter is my whole world! & I like to have fun just like every other young person in the world!


Why did you choose the Adoption Center of Choice?
I chose the Adoption Center of choice because i needed to get out of Florida and I felt like they were the only people that could help me.

Did you like this agency?
I LOVED the agency. A lot of the other birth moms didnt. But they helped me through everything. & made the process a lot easier for me. I still keep in contact with my case worker and some others from the agency.

How did you choose the adoptive couple?
I chose Jamie & Andy as my family because they were so put together & so happy. They had 3 beautiful children which honestly did freak me out at first. lol. But the first night i went to dinner with them, i loved them! & after i saw them with Jamin, i knew they were perfect!!


Is your adoption open or closed?
My adoption is open. Just so I can check up on the little guy every now & then.


Did you like TLC?
TLC was great! They gave me something to do everyday. & i met some amazing people while being filmed!

What was the hardest part about your adoption?

The hardest thing about my adoption was probably signing the reliquishment papers. Knowing that you are signing over a part of you is a very difficult decision. Once you sign those papers, theres nothing you can do.

if you could tell birthmoms everywhere one thing, what would you say?
You are all very strong women. Not every woman has the sense to be able to look at a situation & predict how the future will ACTUALLY be. We all have suprises in life. Some are more prepared then others. But when you are able to go through something so hard, just to make anothers life better... that is one of the most unselfish acts a person can do. Dont listen to the negative comments people have. Everybodys opinion is going to be different. But you ARE doing something truely amazing!

loving a birthmother - from mrs R

Pin It

mrs R is a dear friend to both of us (desha and jessa) and a remarkable example of living happily with open adoptions that WORK. be sure to check out her blog if you dont already follow it, for all kinds of positive adoption advocacy and information, as well as resources for any member of the adoption triad! also, the R house is hoping to adopt! 

It's true, adoption is what brought us to each other, but it is so much more that has kept us close together.

It has been 5+ years since our oldest son's birth mother emailed us and invited us to be the parents of her baby boy. 

The weekend we met 5 year ago.

I have been blessed to get to know her not only through our shared motherhood, but also as a dear friend. She is someone that I admire. She always seem so calm and easy-going and is the least judgmental person I have ever met. She just loves regardless of situation or circumstance. I want to be more like her! She is also a great example of being giving and sharing; she has been sweet enough to let us have a relationship with her extended family (brothers, sister, mom, dad, step dad, cousins, grandma, aunt, boyfriends, etc.) and share time with them even on our visits with each other which are too few for my liking. (One of the bummers of being 2K+ miles apart.) 

We have tons of fun even though ours is a long distance relationship. When she posts on Facebook that she is craving a cherry Slurpee from 7-11 but doesn't have a 7-11 close, we love to hop in the car and go get one in her honor ...and then tell her about it. When she hears that her son hates Carl's Jr., she makes a point to ask for his forgiveness when she is forced to eat there. Our almost constant texting of funny things, pictures and questions for each other is silly and uplifting, even 5 years later. I even adore the way she texts smiley faces. =]

Our youngest son's birth mom has been a family friend since was in elementary school. Our relationship with her has grown from "that pretty girl who is friends with my brother-in-law" to a beloved friend and confidant. 

Duck lips kissy face is a classic when we are together.

She is passionate and feisty--a lot like me--which makes her easy for me to talk to. When she calls and says, "Can you pick me up from the airport tomorrow, I am coming for a visit!" We celebrate because she brings the party with her. Literally. We always have white Walmart cupcakes (not the minis, she doesn't like those as much) with white frosting when she comes. We make fun of my brother-in-law and tell the boys all the crazy stories of things they did when they were little. And we laugh. A lot. 

She is fiercely loyal and you can always count on her to have your back when you are going through a rough time. If she sees something on Facebook about me having a rough day, she calls to check on me even if she only has 2 minutes to step away from work. I try and do the same, but she sets a high standard! The night that we experienced a failed adoption plan, she called minutes after we received the news just to check on us and try to lift our spirits. To this day I have no idea how she knew so fast. She really is amazing.

Being close to the women who give so much love to our family has been one of the choicest blessings I have gleaned from being an adoptive mom. I love, respect and admire these women for who they are. They are so much more than their choice to place although it is a sacred part of them. 

They are our closest friends.

They are family.

Lindsay-From TLC's Birth moms

Pin It

Lindsay reached out to me and when i asked her if shes like to be interviewed she agreed! i think she is a good person. So please let us support her not berate her. Look for when we interview the other girls from the show coming soon :)

How long ago did you place?
i placed a month ago


What gender of baby did you have?
 i had a girl 
What is her name?
 Her name is phoebe


Why did you choose adoption?
 i chose adoption because i was in a horrible situation and felt she deserved better i love the family i chose


How did you choose the couple
the couple i chose was the first profile i looked at and i love them Idk how


Is your adoption open or closed?
 i have a very open adoption, I spent a week with Her after I signed {the papers} now its pictures until we set up a visit 


How do you think TLC did? Any changes you wish they made?
 tlc i guess it was good. i wish that i was portrayed as a young woman that was scared but trying to be strong for both of my daughters


How do you feel about The Adoption Center of Choice that you placed through?
 i hate the agency i want to open my own they are corrupt.  the agency didn't do crap but leave us in those apartments until TLC was there. They did not counsel us or do groups activities and now that I placed they treat me like crap I still haven't gotten any counseling. i would never go through that agency again it was horrible.


What is the hardest part of adoption?
The hardest part is knowing Im only Her birth mom, no longer Her mom 

What would you say to all birthmoms?

 no matter what ppl say at the end of the day we became heroes.

loving a birthmother - from Ch

Pin It

I genuinely LOVE my children’s birthmoms….

I have been blessed by adoption 3 wonderful times. 

Each adoption is as unique as their birthmoms.

Let me tell you why I love my oldest son’s birthmom Ashlee. My son James aka Ashton-James or his nickname BAJA is named after his birthmom. When I first met Ashlee she was a junior in high school. I was so impressed that she maintained her high GPA of 3.9 even though she was pregnant and working nearly full time.  She has determination; a trait that I now see in my little BAJA. She is my hero. I have loved her from the moment she wrote us a beautiful letter of why she was placing with us. My love grew deeper when she kissed him on the forehead and then placed him in my arms. I love that BAJA seemed to look at Ashlee as if to say thank you…and then he looked to me. His past and his future in one look.

Ashlee and I describe our relationship as an EXTREME open adoption. We went to her high school graduation. We met her boyfriends, we shared birthdays together, BAJA was the ring bearer at her wedding, we give presentations to high school students, and she invited me and Brian as some of the first people to meet her little girl (born Dec 2011). I love watching her be a mom. I’m so grateful that she calls me to share in her little girl’s “firsts” and to share stories.

I love that I have seen Ashlee grow to a beautiful competent woman. She is smart, dedicated, gorgeous, a little stubborn, creative, and so caring. She managed a retail store and after completing school she now works in a medical office. Ashlee is so supportive of me and our little family. She is always quick to offer her support and love.  When we adopted Baby Jonathan last year, Ashlee tended BAJA and Christian for me so I could visit Jonathan in the hospital. 

There doesn’t seem to be a word that describes my love for Ashlee sister & friend doesn’t seem to express my feelings. My beautiful moment of Ashlee is just a few weeks ago we attended an event where I was getting an award for Motherhood.  I couldn’t receive this award without Ashlee. I surprised her by having the announcer invite her to receive the award with me.

When BAJA was 4 ½ years old we found our second child Christian.  I found his birthmom Katie on the internet one night. Katie and her husband John are parenting 3 children, placed a little boy in a nearby city, and now were placing this little boy.  Katie and John wanted a family willing to be open to a relationship with his biological sibling. No problem for us. We welcomed this idea with open arms. Katie and John live in another state so our relationship is one of text messages, packages, and lengthy phone calls.  

Katie is strong and tough!! I love Katie’s strong, independence. Traits I see in Christian. Katie doesn’t let anyone tell her she can’t do something. Once she makes up her mind there is no going back. She is a hard worker. She tackles a problem. She is smart and subjects like math come easy for her. We were able to visit John & Katie early in her pregnancy and spend time with their family. She wanted to make sure we felt comfortable. She has a wonderful laugh. A deep belly laugh. She sees the good in a situation no matter how difficult. She often says “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. 

What I love most about Katie is her generous spirit. She offered so much to us even though she had little. Her generosity continued to amaze me when she was always the first to offer regarding the adoption plan. “You are going to be there for the birth, you are going to hold him first, you are going to stay in my room!”

I love Katie for her friendship and as she describes it “sisterhood”

Jonathan’s birthmom Vanessa has had a difficult life. I love her for her courage despite the rough journey she has had. Vanessa is quiet and graceful. She has a soft giggle and I love that Jonathan has her giggle. She has slate colored eyes kinda blue kinda brown kinda green and Jonathan has her eyes.  She loved nature including birds, trees, and the simple things in life. Since her life was complicated it’s interesting that she loved the simple aspects of life.  I love that from the moment Vanessa saw the picture of us she wanted him to go to our family. Despite everyone telling her otherwise, she placed him with us. She was so gracious in letting me go to all her doctor visits. She continually told me that Jonathan was meant for our family. I love her for her determination and I see this quality in Jonathan too. 

Vanessa had the courage to leave her stressful situation. She is in another state now and unfortunately I no longer have contact with her. This leaves a large hole in my heart. I think of her everyday I look into Jonathan’s eyes and I hope she has found peace in her new life. I send letters and pictures to her grandmother and I hope that these updates are opened and the messages are passed to her. I long for Vanessa to know how much we love and care for her!!

I love that my boys have a heritage of strong birthmothers. I am a strong mother and as such I am forever grateful that our children can know they are loved by strong mothers!

I am so blessed to have such beautiful women in our lives!

loving a birthmother - from Ca

Pin It

** if you have adopted more than once and would like to contribute to this series, you can email your thoughts and pics to deshawood at gmail 

The Friend and Sister I Didn’t Know

As a hopeful adoptive mom to be, I just really hoped that when I was contacted by an expectant mom that she would like me. It is nerve wracking to fill out adoption profiles and put down your favorite things and worry about what someone will think reading it. What if she doesn’t like me because I like to watch “Survivor” and she doesn’t!!??  Now, as a veteran of two adoptions, I have a much better perspective on it and I understand that if someone doesn’t want to get to know me because of a tv show, it probably wouldn’t have been a great match. As a newbie though, you agonize over every single word.  What I didn’t give much thought to was “would I like her”?  Why?  Of course I would like her. Duh. She is considering me to raise and love and be a mom to her precious baby. But the idea is very abstract until you actually are contacted by a real, live person.

J contacted me in the summer, but she wasn’t due until the following spring, so we began an email and instant messaging relationship.  I just really wanted her to like me, so every time we found a commonality, I was so excited. Yes, we like many of the same tv shows, including Survivor!  Yes, we both like to read!  Yes, we both love to travel- we had been to many of the same places and we each had been places the other wanted to go to.  It was fun getting to know her.  We met in person that fall. I had lots of anxiety before that meeting, but when we met it was almost instantly comfortable and friendly. We had a lot of fun hanging out, going to the beach and we found we had even more in common. It was easy to talk with her.  I liked her! For the rest of the fall and winter we continued emailing and IM’ing.  It was a strange dance of a relationship- getting to know each other and enjoying time chatting, but always wondering in the back of my mind- is this adoption going to work out, does she think I only like her because of the possible adoption, does she like me? I feel like I love her, but is that because she could make my dream come true?

When the birth of Hannah happened, my questions were answered.  I knew that she was struggling with her choice and in a conversation with C, the birthfather and then again when we dropped off a congratulations gift, the words that left my mouth and rang true in my heart were “If you guys decide to parent, we will support you because we have gotten to know you and we love you, no matter what”.  I knew them. I knew J. I loved her, not because she was a potential birthmom, but because she was J, a woman who loves Survivor and the Amazing Race, who loves the beach, whose favorite holiday is Halloween, who loves haunted houses. A woman who works hard and loves her family.  I loved her because she had become my friend.

In the five years since that day, I have grown to love her even more. Of course I love and admire her for the sacrifice that she made in choosing adoption and allowing me to become a mom. What she did was amazingly difficult, but it is not the only reason I love her. Our relationship has deepened as we have spent time together and I feel that she is a sister to me. I forget that we are not “family”, except that we are!  I have been privileged to be a part of her life as she has married, gone to school and is now raising two adorable girls.  I love that she is a great mom!  I love that we can still talk about books and go to movies together and share popcorn.  While choosing adoption brought and bound us together, the friendship that we have keeps those bonds strong. If I only loved her as a “birthmom” and not as a real woman and friend, I would be missing out and so would my daughter.