bring her home!

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Adoption comes in all shapes, sizes, and... species!

#bringpitsiehome
click here >>> http://www.youcaring.com/pet-expenses/bring-pitsie-home-/336656

It's time, adoption community. 

It's time for you to give back! 

Jessa and I have both given selflessly to you over the years,
and we have never asked for anything in return. 

Until now. 

In a joint effort once again, we have embarked on a new project, but we cant don't it alone. 

You can be the difference.
You can make it happen.

You can bring Pitsie home to California to live in a forever home with Jessa.

Follow the link to donate right now, not later, you'll forget later. do it now!
Then share the link with your friends and family so that they can do the same!

Every small donation adds up to make a huge difference. 

#bringpitsiehome
http://www.youcaring.com/pet-expenses/bring-pitsie-home-/336656 <<< click here

ps Jessa's bday is soon, so really you don't have any excuses.

Pitsie and her Haitian manmi, Desha

Guilty?

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What a wonderful opportunity to blog about a topic near and dear to both Jessa and myself. We got to have a lovely chat this afternoon because there has been some wailing and gnashing of teeth in regards to certain members of the adoption triad not being able to voice their experiences, perspective, and opinion on a specific social media site.

*non-affiliated with us*

or is it?

You see there is this little thing called guilt by association. It can’t be avoided. It can’t be ignored. It is unfortunately how most of us make our judgments and collect our knowledge about the people in the world both near and far.

That makes us affiliated to the social media site that we don’t have any tangible authority over. No control to what is said. No control what the actions of that site do to the perception of ‘birthmother’.

Guilt by association is not a problem when things are going well. LOVE IT. Free marketing and advertising and character development! It’s a huge problem when birthmoms are being perceived as having an agenda that we ourselves don’t cater to or there is behavior that we ourselves would never participate in.
sucks, huh?

In the birthmother demographic there are definitely different ‘sides’. Very simply stated there are the women that fall on the side of negative and the women who fall on the side of positive. There is very little cross over. Both sides are justified in their convictions. Both sides are full of women who deserve to share their voice. Both sides have good wholesome people and not so good or wholesome people. There is a vast difference in experience and opinion between these two sides. Yet we are all still birthmothers. We will ALWAYS have that in common.

What one birthmom does and says, especially on social media,
in a public forum no less, creates perceptions about
every.single.one.of.us. 

Does this mean that one cannot freely share their experiences and opinions in public? No
It simply means that you can choose you words, you can choose your attitude, you can choose whether you reply and/or react, you can choose your behavior, you can choose to play nice, you can choose to stir up trouble. Only you can choose, and there’s rarely anything anyone else can do about your choice.

Jessa and I have always striven to allow all members of the triad an opportunity to share their voice. We welcome differing of opinion. We share articles and stories that we don’t necessarily agree with or share conviction with. We try really hard to stand up for those that are not given a platform.
We do however have a zero tolerance policy for unsolicited character attacks and we won’t share false or made up ‘facts’. We try to set an example and we are not perfect. BM4A started by trying to pave a way, create a soapbox per say, for a voice that we believed wasn't heard. We've made mistakes, and corrected them, many times over the years.

We want to encourage our fellow birthmothers to always do the same. We want you to make a choice that builds up, rather than tears down. You don’t have to be a rainbow farting positive glitter tosser to build up. You can express very negative things and still be building up the birthmom demographic.

Together we need to:

• Keep each other accountable – CALL YOUR FELLOW BIRTHMOMS OUT ON THEIR SHIT. Let the rest of the adoption community know when you don’t agree with what soandso said/did.
• Be honest. Truth wins every time. *remember that your truth is not EVERYones truth* 
• Think before you speak/act. Walk away when necessary. You don’t have to reply!
• Consider how your comments/actions reflect on the demographic as a whole. 
• Choose private venues to express ‘how you really feel’ or to vent in.
• Listen. Don’t discriminate. Play nice. Apologize when you play mean.

And most importantly…

please, just DON’T.BE.STUPID! 

Stupid is as stupid does. Stay classy, San Diego. Good night, and good luck. 

Can the Temple Ordinances bring Adoptees and Birth Parents Closer Together?

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I had First Contact with my birth mother when I was 31 years old.  I didn’t tell my adoptive parents for months, and maybe never would have, except that my Bishop counseled me to.  My adoptive mother’s reaction was exactly what I expected, which is why I didn’t want to tell.  She was shocked.  She felt betrayed.  She wondered what she should have done differently as an adoptive mom so that I would not have gone down the path of finding my first mother. 

Up until the day he died, even after he developed dementia, my adoptive father was upset with me for having a relationship with my birth mother, because it had upset my a-mother.  “You broke your mother’s heart,” he used to say. 

I’d like to think my parents see things differently now that they are on the other side of the veil.

My mother feared that my adoption reunion meant I was on the brink of apostatizing from the LDS Church.  “You were sealed to us in the Temple!  Your natural parents don’t matter anymore,” she asserted.  She feared that my search for my natural parents meant I was losing my testimony.   She told me that when an adopted child is sealed in the temple to parents, a “blood change” takes place so that the adopted child becomes biologically connected to the adoptive parents.  She felt that the "blood change" should remove my curiosity about birth parents.  She promised to send me some quotes from Joseph Smith, Bruce R. McConkie and John A. Widtsoe about adoption and the “blood change.”  She’d been saving these quotes for years.   But when my mother pulled the quotes from her file and reviewed them, she was chagrined to admit they weren’t about legal adoption.  The quotes were about converts being adopted into the seed of Abraham.

Towards Reconciliation

My parents’ attitudes about adoptees' contact with biological parents were not uncommon for their time.  Unfortunately, these attitudes can still be found in some adoptive parents today, and there's no excuse for it.  I am saddened to read about adoptive parents who close adoptions that were promised to be open.  Do they feel that their status as parent may be diminished if birth parents are in the picture?  Truth be told, I probably would have bonded more closely to my adoptive parents if they had been able to acknowledge my emotional needs.  If an adoptive parent cannot accept a child’s family of origin, he/she cannot fully accept the child. The child will sense it.  I know.  I've been there.

I realize I am preaching to the choir here.  I am sure adoptive parents coming to this blog understand the importance of keeping adoptions open.  But perhaps you could broadcast it to other adoptive parents at FSA conferences and such.  Or send them to this post, please.

Some a-parents may ask, “What about the Temple? This child has been sealed to me.  He is mine now.”   I am going to propose something that may shock some of you.  I don’t think that in the next life it will matter who children are sealed to as much as some think it will.  As we do temple work for our deceased ancestors, we join more and more of the family of mankind together.  If an adopted child traces ancestry back far enough, he will find an ancestor that is common to both adoptive and biological families.  Once temple sealings are performed for that ancestor and descenants, the child may be linked to both families.

In the 2010 magazine booklet Temples of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Gordon B. Hinckley says, “For the most part, temple work is concerned with the family, with each of us a members of God’s eternal family and with each of us as members of earthly families…  [As] the doctrine is enunciated in language both beautiful and impressive, the participant comes to realize that since every man and woman is a child of Heavenly Father, then each is a member of a divine family; hence, every person is his brother or sister…”

President Hinckley further teaches that family relationships bound together through the sealing ordinances may continue in the world to come.  Adoptive parents will have a relationship with their children for eternity.  Still, the temple sealing ordinance is a binding ordinance, not a separating ordinance.  It does not separate birth parents from the children they relinquished.

President Hinckley states, "...When asked by the scribe, 'Which is the first commandment of all?' the Savior replied, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.  'And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself' (Mark 12:28, 30–31).

The teachings set forth in modern temples give powerful emphasis to this most fundamental concept of our duty to our Maker and to our neighbors. Sacred ordinances amplify this ennobling philosophy of the family of God. They teach that the spirit within each of us is eternal, in contrast with the body, which is mortal. They not only give understanding of these great truths but also motivate the participant to love of God and encourage him to demonstrate a greater neighborliness toward others of our Father's children."


How can temple-worthy adoptive parents "demonstrate a greater neighborliness toward others of our Father's children [birth parents]" and then close an adoption, denying birth parents a relationship with the one they brought into mortality? Why do they deny their child's emotional needs for this connection?  Please read this post by adoptee and adoptive parent Rebecca Hawkes. She explains much better than I could how adoptive parents can tune into their child's needs.


Children sealed to adoptive parents in the temple do not have greater distance from birth parents than children who are not sealed.  In fact, the sealing ordinance can bring adoptive children closer to birth parents.  The temple does not sever biological ties; it expands families.  There is room for everyone.

Note:

In addition to doing guest posts on the B4A blog, I have started my own blog called Earth Stains.  My messages on Earth Stains are more targeted to adoptees, with a focus on health and wellness.  I hope everyone can glean something from my writings, so please stop by.  I signed up for the Adoption Interview project, so look for my interview on Thursday, November 17th.  I interviewed a fantastic mom named Rachel who has an adopted son and daughter from China.  Rachel's interview with me will be posted at her blog, Everybody Wants a Cupcake.

Happy November!

Was my adoption God’s plan?

Is adoption God’s plan? Consider some Argentinean adoptions of yesteryear, as described on an NPR.org blog post on March 9, 2011:

During the mid 1970s the Argentine military set up a baby-redistribution network, headquartered at the Campo de Mayo Hospital and the Escuela Mecanica de la Armada in Argentina. Fact-finding commissions have established that the regime systematically kidnapped young parents who expressed left-wing sympathies, then killed those parents, dropping many of them alive from airplanes into the ocean. If the women were pregnant, the regime created maternity wards where mothers were drugged or forced (their hands and feet tied to the beds) to have cesarean sections to accelerate birth. If they survived childbirth, they were murdered.
Francisco Madariaga was born at the Campo de Mayo hospital in 1977. His mother is presumed dead. Francisco was then adopted by an intelligence officer at that same hospital. This was not unusual. Children were regularly handed over to police or soldier families more friendly to the regime. That way, the junta would not only eliminate its political opponents; it would steal their children. Kids who might have grown up thinking like their parents would now grow up thinking like their parents' enemies. This was a double erasure.

Francisco was renamed "Alejandro" and was not told that he'd been adopted. He noticed that with his droopy-looking eyelids, his coloring, he looked nothing like his parents. His father regularly beat him. He felt uneasy. "It is something difficult to explain," he told the BBC. "It's like I always knew something was not right…"

I recommend you read all of this amazing story:
http://www.npr.org/blogs/krulwich/2011/03/09/134364175/where-did-i-come-from-these-stolen-children-don-t-want-to-know?print=1

Was Francisco/Alejandro Madariaga’s adoption God’s plan? I would argue that his adoption was contrary to the will of God, as God does not use murder and conspiracy to accomplish His purposes. No laws were broken in my adoption, but like Madariaga’s, it was riddled with meanness and it began with a mother who had left-wing sympathies and with adoptive parents who thought like her political opponents. I wasn’t prepared to hear my first mother’s story when we reunited 31 years later. This is what I imagined she would say:

“I loved you so much, but I wasn’t ready to take care of you. I wanted the very best for you, and so did your birth father. I am so proud of who you’ve become. I know I made the right decision.”

But here was the truth of it:

“I was depressed and alone. Your birth father wouldn’t support me. I didn’t have support from anyone. My aunt and uncle pressured me. The social workers pressured me. They made it hard for me to visit you in foster care. A terrible injustice was done do me. I regret my decision. This was not God’s plan.”

Well, dang. Abandonment, pressure, manipulation, injustice—definitely not God’s plan. Let me quote the next part of Jane’s story directly from her blog:

The social worker asked me about religious preference, telling me that, while they could not guarantee any religion, my preference would be respected. I preferred either a non religious family or a liberal Protestant one. However, if it was necessary to give my baby a good home, a Jewish or Catholic family was okay. I added as an afterthought that I did not want my daughter to go a family with a non-mainstream religion like Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, or Seventh Day Adventists. I thought it was unlikely this would happen – after all, I was in ultra-liberal San Francisco. I considered Mormons and the rest as kind of loony… The social worker and I crafted a statement containing my preference for either no religion or a mainstream religion and specifically stating my objection to Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and Seventh-Day Adventists. Over the years as I learned more about the LDS Church (its racism and opposition to the Equal Rights Amendment), I thought “at least I didn’t let my baby be raised by Mormons.”

Jane made her final decision and signed the papers when I was one month old, and then I was in foster care another month. Brand new babes were plentiful back then, and that’s what adoptive parents wanted. At two months I was aging out, not a blank slate anymore, and becoming more difficult to place. Perhaps the Social Worker couldn’t find atheists or mainstream religionists to take me, so she placed me with Mormons, setting aside her reassurances to Jane.

Although I am glad that I was raised Mormon, something nags at me: If things weren’t meant to happen the way they did, then am I really who I should be? In some people’s eyes I am a tragedy, a damaged individual, proof that mothers shouldn’t sign away their right to raise their own children. I walk down the street and leave footprints where they really ought not to be. And every time I breathe, I exhale carbon dioxide in the wrong spot on this planet.

Many readers of this blog have wonderful open adoptions. Birthmom prayed about it, adoptive parents prayed about it, God told spoke and said baby was meant to be with the adoptive family, everyone agrees, so much love all around. The child grows up being who he is supposed to be. But some birthmothers regret their decision like Jane did, or will regret it in the future. Even with open adoptions, birthmom might discover down the road that A-parents aren’t what she imagined. Some foster care adoptions are forced separations from natural parents where abuse and neglect may have played a part. Some adoptions are transnational, where poverty or kidnapping may have played a part. Some adoptions, like Madariaga’s and Moses’, are the result of an evil conspiracy.

What’s an adoptee to think when he learns he was placed in a particular home because of people’s unrighteous choices? Was adoption God’s plan then? I could have been raised by Jane or by a different adoptive family, but I ended up where I did because my birth mother, birth father and social worker made choices that led me to my family. They had God-given moral agency. Of course God had a hand in my placement, but allowed everyone to made their own choices. I was an answer to my parents’ prayers. After Jane made her decision to sign the papers they began to receive spiritual promptings that I was coming to them. They chose to follow those promptings, so they dropped by the agency unannounced on that day in January 1967, and learned there was a 2-month old baby girl available. If they hadn’t followed those promptings, I might have gone to another family, maybe the non-religious family Jane was hoping for.

God, a perfect being, has a plan that cannot be foiled by choices of imperfect mortals. God’s plan for me would be the same, adopted or kept. Doctrine and Covenants Section 3 tells us, “The works, and the designs, and the purposes of God cannot be frustrated, neither can they come to naught.”

Here are some of the elements of God’s plan for me:

1. I lived with God before I was born. God’s plan was for me be born and receive a physical body.
2. I am free to make choices and to act, but not free to choose the consequences of my actions.
3. There is suffering in this life.
4. God wants to develop a relationship with me.
5. God wants me to return to live with him, because I am His family.
6. Earthly families are central to God’s eternal plan.

Adoption both causes suffering and prevents suffering. Whether Madariaga or I had been raised atheist, protestant, Jewish, Catholic, Jehovah Witness or Mormon; whether we had been kept by our first mothers or adopted; God’s spirit would have whispered this same truth to us: “You are my child. I know you. I love you. I want you to come home to me.”

Guest Blogger-Keeping Sibling Groups Together In Foster Care

This Guest Blogger is from My Dog Ate My Blog. They asked to write a guest post for us on adoption and here is what they had to say.

Zari Banks is a guest blogger for My Dog Ate My Blog and a writer for http://www.guidetoonlineschools.com/online-schools.
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According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, about 50% of children placed in foster care are reunited with their biological families. For the 50% who are not reunited, foster care adoption can be a rewarding possibility. However, many children enter foster care with a sibling or two, and every effort should be made to keep a family unit intact when feasible.

Keeping siblings together can make all the difference in foster care adoption. The kids have a right to know each other, and it really is in their best interest that they remain connected as family members while young. Growing up in the same home will allow the children to take advantage of the biological bond they share, and use it to support each other during difficult or transitional periods. Children as young as infants are often more comfortable when they are placed with siblings. For example, consider a baby that cries, and is only soothed upon hearing the voice of its older sister or brother. Having immediate access to the sibling alleviates anxiety for the baby and adoptive parent, and gives confidence and a sense of belonging to the older child.

Another benefit to adopting siblings out of foster care is that it avoids another painful separation for the kids. Often siblings in foster care have experienced a traumatic removal from their biological families . By placing siblings in the same family unit, the kids do not have to experience feelings of complete abandonment. Having a sibling around allows the children to reflect on the good times they shared, and cope with the bad.

Attempting to adopt multiple children into one household is not without challenges. Families with children already in the home sometimes sign on with the intention of only fostering and eventually adopting one more child. Some families are unable to provide financially for more than one child. Foster and adoptive families sometimes receive public assistance, but the amount given is only a small percentage of what it costs to raise a child today. This amount does not include future costs such as college educations.

Additionally, foster and adoptive families must take into consideration any pre-existing conditions that one or more of the related children may have. Occurrences of ADHD and autism, to name a few, seem to be increasing among American children. Bringing one child into the home with one of these conditions is challenging, bringing two or possibly more into the household could potentially create a dynamic that would not benefit the kids or adults.

More serious conditions such as developmental delays, juvenile diabetes, and congenital heart problems can pose additional challenges. These types of conditions would not only change the family dynamic, but put significant financial strain on the household budget. Although the ideal situation is to keep siblings together, there are instances when it may not be possible for an adoptive family. Sometimes a difficult decision must be made whether it is best to separate the kids so that at least one – if not all - of them will receive the benefit of individual adoption, or continue to wait to find that special family to take them all.

Whether a family adopts a foster child individually or with siblings, foster care adoption can be a beautiful thing. In many cases, it will be possible for a child to stay in contact with his or her siblings, even if they haven't been adopted into the same home. By providing this opportunity, adoptive parents will keep the family bond strong and nurture past and future connections.

The Other Side

On March 10th of this year my sister and her husband (we'll call them J & W) were blessed with a beautiful 6 month old baby boy. They received news from LDS family services just a week earlier that there were just too many couples to birthmothers and they were encouraged to search out other adoption agencies. Well they searched around and came across an agency very close to their home. From there things moved quickly. On Tuesday night they were told there was a birthmom that was living out of her car in Texas with her 4 year old little girl and little boy and had found herself at a loss and felt it best to place her son for adoption, well by Wednesday afternoon this girl had flew to them and placed her son in my sister and her husbands arms. We were over joyed!!! J & W had been waiting for SO long for this extreme gift and finally it was here. My mom and I hurried down and spent the next few days buying baby stuff for J and getting the nursery ready. Our hearts fell for this little boy and we were all so in love. Well to make what could be a very long story short, our hearts were broken on March 16th.

J & W received a phone call from the agency and were told that the birthfather had obtained an attorney and was fighting for his son. Apparently the birthmother had lied about her situation and the involvement of the birthfather in this precious baby boys life and he was stopping the adoption. Such shock and horror! On March 19th my sister and her husband handed back who they thought and had started to love as their baby boy, and together as a family we wept. We still cannot understand why this girl would choose to lie about the situation and we have so many unanswered questions, but our hope is that at least D (the sweet little guy who was placed in their arms) is being taken care of and will find all the love and joy he deserves in his life. We have been overwhelmed as a family for the support that has been shown towards J and W and even more so as the stories have rolled in from other couples who have experienced situations such as these themselves. It is shocking to me that this happens so often and so heartbreaking to think of the emotional roller coaster these long anticipating parents have to go through. 

Amazingly J and W have stayed strong in their faith and have a hopeful attitude. We do not yet understand why this baby boy was a part of our lives for a short 8 days but I know he will always have a part of us and will surely forever be in our hearts. Someday we might understand and are prayerful that J and W will be blessed with the child they have been waiting for all these years. They have such an amazing understanding of the sacrifice that a person has to make for their home to be filled and an even more amazing understanding that to find happiness they have to open up their emotions for heartache. 

I wrote this post on my personal blog several months ago. Since this post my sister and her husband have had their faith tested but through it all they have been blessed. Just 2 weeks after saying goodbye to D another baby boy was placed into their arms. The placement of their sweet E was not an easy one and for 2 weeks after they weren't completely sure things were going to pan out. They of course were on pins and needles. 

Being a birthmother myself, and even knowing about my sister and their infertility, it is quite easy to forget about the other side of the story, that of the adoptive couples. I once was in a birthmother support group when one of the expectant woman voiced that it was "unfair" for us to even think of placing our children into another's arms. To her it was unfair because we had to go through all this heart ache and pain but these adoptive couples didn't have to go through anything. They just got to take our babies and "walk away". 

Infertility is not easy. It is a pain I myself dealt with for 3 years. The fear and unknown answers of "will I ever be able to have a child of my own again" were heart wrenching. My sister had dealt with the knowledge of her infertility since she was 16 years old. Her option to be pregnant with a child of her own blood was taken from her and she never had another choice. 

Going through the heart ache of their adoption story with my sister has made me realize how much we need to acknowledge the pain the other side goes through. Of course it can't replace our own hurt and tender feelings but often it is hard to keep in sight. I know for most of us and certainly in my own personal adoption story I am very aware of the happiness I brought to one family when I placed T into their arms, but never did I recognize, until now, the healing that came with it. 

There are always 2 sides to a story and I for one want to try every time I am angry with my adoptive couple or upset with my sadness of missing T to be strong and remember that I have not gone through it alone and in the end it really has been worth it. 

Just this past month I was able to be there with my sister and her husband as their adoption was finalized. The joy I saw on their faces when their baby boy was "officially" theirs was unbelievable. My heart was overwhelmed with love for them. E is so happy in their home and is so naturally theirs. I have such a respect for them and the whole circle of adoption. I wish I could share all my feelings and thoughts on my sisters story, but that would be a novel. 

The morning of J & W's finalization my sister shared the song below with my mother and I. It brought me to tears, not just because it explains my sisters feelings for her son in every way imaginable but it also expressed my feelings for T and the love I feel for her. Each and every day I think of the little girl I placed for adoption 6 years ago this February. And although things are still hard and I often have my days of tears and total heart ache, I would still "do it all over again". 

Please take the time to listen. 

If you would like to read more on my adoption story you can find it here:  My Story

guest blogger: Jessi's Story!

Happy National Adoption Month!! This post starts out our post a day during this month! If you want to participate send your story to birthmothers4adopion@gmail.com!

I'm not usually a very nostalgic person, but I can't help but remember where I was exactly one year ago. I was 18 years old and a few months into my freshman year at USU. I was so excited to be out on my own, making my own rules, and shaping my own life. I never would have imagined how the decisions I was making then have led me to where I am now. In 12 months I have grown up roughly 6 years, found direction in my life, met some amazing people, and gone through one of the hardest things I will ever go through. Placing my son for adoption.

I met his birthfather though a friend that we both worked for. He produces concerts and we were both selling tickets at the door for a show. We flirted a little bit and after the show he got my number. We started dating and I fell really hard for him really fast. In retrospect I realize that I didn't really know anything about him and that my actions were that of a very young, naive girl. One night I stayed over at his house way to late and things happened. I was horrified and devastated. I am a member of the LDS church and I had standards that I had broken. I immediately regretted the position I had put myself in and wanted to make it better as soon as possible. I was so afraid of how disappointed my mom would be that I didn't want to tell her. I went to my aunt (who is a birthmom) and she was able to comfort me a little. She asked me what the chances were that I could be pregnant. It wasn't the first time the thought had crossed my mind but it was then that I did the math and realized that I probably couldn't have picked a worse day to mess up. I texted the birthfather and he told me he would buy me a pill (Plan B) that would make it so I didn't get pregnant. Right after he bought it I went over to his house and, after making sure it wouldn't harm the baby if I was already pregnant, I took it. He relaxed. I didn't.

The next day I went and talked to my bishop and started the repentance process. The birthfather did the same. I eventually came to find out that he had had many problems with morality before, as well as drugs and alcohol that he had never dealt with. I was shocked, but felt like after being that close with him I couldn't just dump him. We needed to work this out together.

The next 10 days were a living hell. Every time I would go to sleep I would have horrible, graphic nightmares that would wake me up screaming and crying every hour until I was to scared to sleep any more. Everything I ate made me sick so I didn't really eat either. I lost almost 8 pounds in that short time. I also quit going to class and my grades started dropping. I was coming up on when my period should start but I somehow knew it wasn't going to. I went over to the birthfathers house crying and told him that I thought I was pregnant. He told me that you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex, and that I had taken the pill so now there was absolutely no chance. It was just stress that was making me all crazy but he said he would get me a pregnancy test just to calm my nerves. As an after thought he asked me how sure I was that I was pregnant. I told him I was 78% sure. The next morning he came over to my apartment and we both skipped class to see the result. Apparently the test was only 78% sure also because it had only the slightest hint of a pink line next to the red one. We agreed that we needed to have a real answer now. So, after chugging a few bottles of water we drove over to planned parenthood. When the lady told me it was positive I remember going into complete shock. I walked out and told the birthfather that it was ok, it was going to be alright. Trying to convince myself as well as him.

The next two weeks were a blur. My parents found out soon after I did and we had a hard time getting along for a while. They were devastated as they knew probably better than I did what I was going to have to go through the next 9 months. The birthfather swore that he would take care of things. I got an appointment with LDS Family Services. Two weeks after we found out I was pregnant, the birthfather told me his bishop didn't want him to be with me anymore. I was crushed but agreed not to see him anymore. He said he would still take care of things from a distance and I planned on letting him know how things went after appointments and stuff.

I had my first doctors appointment a few weeks later. I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time and saw him on the ultrasound. I cried because I had had a bad feeling that I had miscarried. I texted the birthfather that night saying that everything was fine, the baby was healthy and so was I. I assumed he was just as concerned as I was. He told me that his bishop didn't want him to have contact with me at all anymore, and that if I felt there was something I needed to tell him to tell my bishop who would tell his bishop who would tell him. I couldn't believe it. I finally found out later that he had told his bishop that he had never had feelings for me, other than physical attraction. Ouch. I didn't hear from him the rest of my pregnancy.

I started looking for an adoptive family when I was three months along. I wanted a really open adoption, where I would still be able to see him and they would just sort of be an extension on our family. I started looking really close to where I live, but as none of the families seemed right and the packets I was looking at got farther away I started getting depressed. I prayed about each couple and always received a very clear No.

I started emailing Leslie and Jeremy and was sure I had found the right couple. They were perfect, everything I wanted. They were relatively close, fun, open, and basically all around amazing. They have a beautiful, sweet daughter who is so ready to be a big sister. They came up for a face to face, and even though everything seemed perfect, I just didn't feel like it was right. I was so frustrated and prayed constantly for a confirmation that they were right. One day I was chatting with Leslie and told her how I was feeling. She amazed me with saying that she had been feeling the same way. Even though it was so hard for her, she gave me a few names of her friends who were hoping to adopt. Jeremy and Leslie are the greatest examples of faith that I know, and they are still hoping to adopt. The first couple on the list I didn't even want to look at because they lived out of state and I wanted to be close to the family that I chose. I looked at the rest of the names Leslie gave me and was disappointed when I still didn't feel anything with them. I decided to look up the first couple just for kicks and giggles. I emailed them once and then prayed about them. I immediately felt overwhelming peace and relief wash over me. Yes! Finally I had an answer. Two days after I found my couple (J & R), my best friend left on his mission. Most of my friends from high school had proven to be not so great of friends so when he left it was really hard. Luckily I had an amazing family to be my support.

I announced to J&R the week before finals. They drove to Logan and I surprised them by decorating a room with "It's a Boy!" stuff. They were so happy and excited! After finals were over I flew out to stay with them for a few days and meet their family. I was 34 weeks pregnant at the time. It had taken me four months to find the right couple. The next four weeks passed quickly and I still didn't feel ready when I went into labor. I loved everything about being pregnant. I couldn't get enough of feeling him kick and singing to him in the car rides to and from school and work. People say I had a fast and easy delivery (It didn't feel fast or easy to me). I was in labor for 6 1/2 hours and pushed for 20 minutes. I had my precious baby at 5:00 in the morning on June 19th, 2010. I spent my birthday the next day in the hospital and on the 21st I placed him in his mothers arms.

I came home that night and cried until I was sick. It was so wrong that I was there by myself, that he wasn't with me. My grandpa came over and gave me an amazing blessing that really helped with the pain. I saw my little boy a few more times before he went back home with his family.

Two days ago I was able to see him again when his family came to visit. It was so amazing to think about where I was a few short months ago, and where I am now. I got to see how much his parents and brother love him and how right it is that he is in their family. He has grown so much in 4 months. Now he is a beautiful chubby baby with bright blue eyes that never stops smiling and giggling. Placing him is the hardest thing I have ever done, and hopefully will ever do. I have come to realize that only the strongest, bravest, most selfless people can place for adoption. Somebody told me after hearing that I was a birthmother, "I can't believe you could do it. It seems like it would be impossible." I thought for a second and then told him that it was. It was impossible, but somehow I did it. I've also been told by some people who don't really understand adoption that what I did was selfish and irresponsible. I must not really have loved my kid if I could just give him away to complete strangers. It's because of love that adoption is possible. It is an amazing thing.

Guest Blogger! My Baby Josie's Adoptive Family

Big Brother 1 (BB1)
Big Brother 2 (BB2)
Adoptive Parents (AP)
birth mom: (J) aka (JLBills)
Baby J: Josie

1) what do you remember about the face to face? What about when you found out you were getting a baby?

AP: First of all, we prepared the boys for this first meeting by telling them that we were just meeting J and that she would not make a decision about choosing to place her baby with us that day. That's how we as AP had been advised and prepared by our "social worker". So, with that, we went into the meeting not expecting anything but a get to know each other session. The boys were a little nervous for the face to face, but it comforted them knowing that their cousin (the birthmom's friend) was there. So, when J pulled out a basket full of baby related goodies we were shocked. I don't think any of us including the boys knew what it meant until we found the picture of the sonogram that said Congrats. You're having a baby. I think at that moment the boys had a permagrin on their face. We went out for ice cream after the formalities and that's the part the boys remember.

BB1: I liked going out for ice cream. It was fun getting to know her more and have her ask questions about things we like.

BB2: I liked talking with her and her friends. I loved the picture of the baby. I wanted to take it everywhere with me to show everyone. As soon as we got back to my cousin's house I ran right in there house to show them the picture.

2) Finding out it was a girl?
AP: Once we found out the baby was a girl I wanted to surprised the boys in a fun way. So I bought a PINK baby doll, cute little pink shoes and wrapped them in a package. I told them the gift was something our new baby could use. When they saw the pink and the doll, they knew it was a girl.

BB1: I had been wanting a baby girl for quite a while, so I was excited to be a big brother to a little sister.

BB2: I thought she might be a whiner, but I thought it was cool.

AP: We were elated. AD (adoptive dad) wept.

3) what do you remember about coming down to the hospital? What were your feelings?

AP:The boys were at their grandparents during the delivery. We didn't know for sure if our birthmom would want the boys at the hospital, but she wanted them there the very next day. The boys were stoked to be able to come. The whole experience was new and unknown of course for them, but it helped again that their cousin and aunt were there for most of it.

BB1: I remember talking to J's family and they were really nice to me. I remember J giving me a hug from her bed and then handing me Baby J to hold. I thought her face was puffy, but I loved holding her. She fell asleep in my arms.

BB2: I remember being happy and everyone in the room happy and then this nurse came in and got mad at us for me and my brother being in the room. Then I remember everyone telling the nurse that we were the baby's brothers.

AP: We wanted to be sensitive to J and her need for time with Baby J as well as her family, so we did not bring our boys with us. It made my heart feel so good that she wanted the boys there right away. We were also so appreciative of the time we were able to spend with J's family. We shared a very special experience with them when we came back to the hospital the day after the delivery. The boys remembered very clearly the event with the nurse. Just for explanation, the nurse was just doing her job enforcing the rule that only immediate family members could be in the room. She was apparently not up to speed on the fact that this was an adoption. So, she was quite adamant that the boys could not be in the room. I think it shocked us all when J and her family immediately replied just as adamantly that they were immediate family; they were her brothers. Then the nurse still didn't get it and turned to J and said "You're not old enough for these boys to be yours". Immediate reply: "they are her adoptive brothers." I think at that moment it really hit us and the boys that yes, our boys were her brothers, yes we were going to be her parents and everyone in that room knew and supported it. Great feeling.

BB2: I remember going back to the building where we met J the day after we were at the hospital. I remember giving J a special gift. We got her a build a bear and a necklace and we got one for Baby J too so they matched. I remember J giving me a hug and her mom and dad telling me to take care of Baby J.

BB1: I remember J and her family crying. I hoped they were crying for joy. I was sad for J, but I knew we would take care of Baby J.

3) what do you remember about josie coming home?

BB1: First of all I did not like it the my mom and my new sister did not get to come home with us. School started for me a few days after Baby J was born, so I had to go home. I remember me and my brother and dad calling my mom every night to talk to mom and Baby J and have family prayer over the phone. I was so excited when they finally got to come home.

BB2: I remember our neighbors decorated our house and front yard with a big welcome home sign when my mom finally came home with Baby J. I remember being nervous at first to hold Baby J b/c I was afraid I would drop her.

4) do you ever have to explain to your friends about her being adopted? How do you do it? And does it bug you?
BB1: Some of my friends ask me if my sister is adopted b/c she has different color skin than mine. It does not bug me that they ask unless they ask me over and over. My friends think Baby J is so cute.

BB2: It does not bother me if people ask me if my sister is adopted. After my sister was born I told everyone at school that I had a new sister. My friends think Baby J is cool.

5) what do you feel about josie's birthmom still visiting? How did you feel about coming to her wedding?

BB1/2: It's amazing. She's one of our best friends. It's cool. She gives us hugs. I wouldn't feel weird at all with her around my friends or at church. I would introduce her as my friend and my sister's birthmom.

BB2:The wedding was awesome. I was a little disappointed we didn't get to spend more time with J, but my mom helped me understand that it was her wedding day and she needed to be with all the other people.

BB1: Most people didn't know me and I felt just a bit out of place but I was glad I got to see J again.

AP: I just have to include this cute story. As a family, we had been looking forward to attending J's wedding. My son apparently had been talking about it at school with his teacher and how excited he was to go. When I went in to my son's classroom one day I was visiting with his teacher and she was asking me about our adoption. I was explaining to her that we have an open adoption, that we communicate regularly with my daughter's birthmom and that we were going to her wedding soon. She explained to me that my son has been talking about going on this trip for days and he was so excited to go to "one of his best friend's wedding." My boys absolutely adore J. I am excited for them to be able to tell our daughter about her birthmom and share their experiences with her.

Something I wrote long before my baby was born

Dear little one,
Know that I love you.
Know that I wish you well.
Know that I want you to be happy.
I know only time will tell.

Dear little one,
I can't wait to look in your eyes
I can't wait to tell you I love you.
I can't wait to hold you tight.

Dear little one,
Please know this choice is for you.
I have prayed about it
Once I prayed I just knew

Dear little one,
Look at your family
They have been waiting for a really long time.
Two brothers who will love and adore you
And parents who are just sublime.

So dear little one,
Know that I love you.
Know that I wish you well.
Know that I want you to be happy.
I know only time will tell.

then she found me - movie

then she found me

have you seen it? if so i want to hear your thoughts.

I really enjoyed it. i thought it was a very sincere and heartfelt portrayal of adoption. it was not an idyllic adoption story, but is real life ever ideal? i feel that the sincerity of it, the 'realness' of it, was powerful. i even cried at the end!

i felt like helen hunt, bette midler and colin firth all did really well portraying emotions that were genuine, i didnt feel like they were acting, i felt like i was watching some ones actual experience. ive never been much of a mathew broderick fan, his role is pretty minor.

i really liked how strong and forceful bernice (bettes character) the biological mother, came on to april (helens character). not because i feel like thats a good thing or a healthy thing (cuz i think its very damaging to all involved), but because i think that is the number one thing that birthmothers err on - we push ourselves onto our children to meet a need or a void in our lives. so i liked that she did that, because then april was able to sincerely be overwhelmed and confused and pull away, which is a perfectly reasonable and understandable reaction! i think that seeing that, watching it happen in a film such as this, is a good reminder on how we can make better choices involving when, how, and why we communicate with our birth children (at all ages, open or closed) and that we are mindful in continuing our quest for wanting what is best for them, and not going about what is best for us, no matter what.

I love when aprils adoptive mom sternly states to her 'you listen to me. theres no difference!' when april was trying to tell her Amom that she loved her children differently (because april was adopted and her brother was not.)

its definitely a touching story and im very glad i stumbled upon it. i had never heard of this movie before.

a snippet of the beginning of the plot:

Deeply religious April Epner, a 39-year-old Brooklyn elementary school teacher, finds her life derailed by a series of events over which she has no control. Her husband Ben abruptly leaves her, her abrasive adoptive mother Trudy passes away the following day, and shortly after she is contacted by Alan, a representative of Bernice Graves, the flamboyant host of a local talk show, who introduces herself as her biological mother. trailer

this film is available to 'watch instantly' on netflix. 

A Poem

Warning: I am not an amazing poet! I just wanted to share my feeling.

Nine short months I spent with you
many long nights I cried.
I wanted to do right by you
Give you a good life

I was on my knees every night
begging to God above
What I had to do for you
While showing all my love

I met a girl named Aly B
who showed me what was right
She helped me meet your mom and dad
I talked to them that night
From that time on
the adoption journey took flight

When we found you were a girl
I was filled with glee
Two big brothers and a princess
The family was complete

Then came time for you to come
and fill our lives with love
Your pretty face and fun spirit
surely sent from up above

I can't believe you are almost two
My how time flew by
you always make me smile
And you don't even have to try

You bring so much joy to everyone
You are not run of the mill
I love you sweet baby girl
and I always will
Jessa

birthMOM, my adoption story

yes. its true, i have never written out my adoption story. mainly cuz i dont have the time- medical school is like a vortex that sucks you in and doesn't let you escape! but i love every fascinating second of it. when i do write, i write in great intricate detail, if you are a reader of my personal blog, then you know this! not a reader and want to be? email me and ill send you an invite. and this aspect of story telling doesnt coincide well with the lack of time issue =) i have written many parts of my adoption story on my blog, but have yet to complete it. one day i will. one day.

in the mean time i have used my youtube videos to tell my story, after all a picture is worth a thousand words.
video 1.
chapter 2.
the story behind my video making.

many many many months ago i was approached by the ladies of standupgirl  asking if they could use my story on a new website loveschoice. i told them of course, but unfort i didnt have a written version, they already had seen my video. so they asked if they could interview me, and volunteered to write it out for me, seeing as i really didnt have the time but def had the desire. i left the country for a few months, i started medical school, finally it all worked out with schedules and what not and i was interviewed. she typed it all up and i edited it and then voila, i had a written version of my story! its geared toward the pursuing adoption options crowd and the context is one of sharing my experience along with a lil advice giving. but as of now, it is the only written version of 'my adoption story'.

~ENJOY!~

thank you loveschoice and standupgirl for the opportunity to share my amazing experience! 

"We are like Soldiers"

The article below was written by a very close friend of mine. I have watched Paige struggle and grow through her adoption journey, but throughout it all she has constantly stayed strong (even in the hardest of times) and sought for happiness in her times of tears. I love her deeply and feel that her words could help many. Her story is special  and I felt a great desire to share it with you. With permission from Paige, here are her words:


The word Birthmother doesn’t mean much to just the normal person on the street. To me it has a significant meaning. Sometimes I say that I was just an instrument in God’s hands to deliver a child to a family who could not have their own. I am truly blessed to be a Birthmother; it is one of the most precious things in the world. Not only did I bring a beautiful boy into this world but I also gave him a family I couldn’t give him. My adoption is far from perfect and promises broken but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I remember the first part of the grieving process; it was only a couple days after placement, just thinking what have I done? I was in so much emotional pain that I wanted to take my decision back. I would just lay in bed with my whole body just aching, feeling like there was nothing left for me to live for. I wanted my little boy back. 


We are like soldiers. We are wounded in a battle where we are trying to make a better life for someone else. We will always have the emptiness in our heart that wants to be filled. We will always wonder what that child is doing every single day. It was like getting my heart ripped out of my chest and having people tell me to just move on. How can a body live without a heart? That’s what I felt like without my baby. I try to look back on those few months after He was born and it is very blurry. I know my Heavenly Father carried me through those first couple months; I was not there alone nor am I now. All the promises my adoptive couple made to me were gone as soon as they got that precious child into their arms. They didn’t remember me or how they got there first son. I did not receive a single picture or letter for the first three months of his life and that killed me. During this time I remember being so hurt and betrayed. Not only did they not care about me but they took every part of me that was worth living for. Months were bumpy from then on and still are. Promises are still broken frequently and I have learned to not trust in everything they say. I struggle with it some days but being almost four years down the road I can look back and realize it was a miracle that things worked out the way they are. 

Four years ago I would have never dreamed of something like this being a part of my life. Adoption was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced in my life and it is definitely something I would not wish on my worst enemy. But I am privileged to still have a relationship with my little boy. I don’t see him as much as was promised before he was born but I still see him about three times a year. Those times are the most fulfilling in my life. I get to see his little personality shine through and warm so many lives! He will look at me sometimes like “I know you somehow” but just can’t quite figure it out. He is not old enough to understand who I am yet so to him I am just Paige. But he calls my parents grandma and grandpa and my sister and brother aunt and uncle. I strive to be a better person because of that little boy that came into my life. I know he wouldn’t want me to be miserable and not doing anything with myself. I can’t wait for the day until he is old enough to realize what a Birth mother is to him and how much his Birthmother loves him. 

I have met a lot of adoptive couples and I realize that not all of them tell their birth mom only what they want to hear. Most are genuinely sincere and I wonder to myself WHY did I have to feel so strongly about the couple I chose that has put me through more heartache than needs be? I have found my answer, God knows me and knows what I can and can’t handle and for some reason he knew I could handle the pain and heartache and learn from this experience.


 Boston is meant to be in their family, He just had a different route in getting there. Maybe just maybe there is more to the story than that, maybe there is more learning to come when I go to start my own family. Or maybe it is as simple to where I need to share my story to other adoptive parents. To show them that we as birth mothers hang on their every letter, picture, phone call or email. We really live for every ounce of communication we have with our children that are now your family 

“Time does not heal all wounds; time just lessens the pain we feel from those wounds.” 


                          -Article by Paige Hansen published here by Amanda 

we have been featured!

desha and jessa, the managers of birthmothers4adoption, have been featured on a blog that share stories about OPEN adoption. be sure to check all of it out, there are some great video interviews and stories from all sides of the adoption triad.

~Matters Of The Heart~

is OPEN adoption a matter that is close to your heart? do you want to share why, perhaps to help educate, inspire and support others about open adoption?
send your story, pics and/or even questions to karinelynn2000 at yahoo dot com 

spotlight on adoption

Adoption... changing lives from beginning to end has started doing a weekly spotlight of families and individuals who have been touched by adoption.

i strongly urge you to participate!

what a great opportunity to get the birthparent voice out there in the adoption world!

this week the spotlight falls on..... ME!

ps. info on how to participate in the weekly spotlight can be found by following either of the above links!

My Story-Jessalynn and Josie.

I know you guys are probably sick of hearing from me but in light of National Adoption Month and the 15 Month anniversary of my placement I thought, Hey I haven't told my story yet on this site.

I met my birthfather in basic training, I thought I was in love...or maybe I was just smitten with the fact that he claimed to be in love with me...I still haven't decided. Anyway, I got home at the end of October, found out I was pregnant a couple days before I was to leave to college.

My biggest fear was telling my parents. I could think of nothing worse then seeing my parents faces when I gave them the biggest let down of their life. To look into their eyes and tell them that seemed impossible. After they had been told they didn't react too bad. They were dissapointed but mostly sad. After we had talked for a while, they told me to call my college and make sure I could still live in student housing. Luckily, I was still able to.

I moved in and because of some differences i moved to a different set of housing, then my life changed.... I walked into the apartment and I met this girl. Her name was Alyson. Now at first I wasn't a big fan of her, little did I know she would be the source of relief and overbounding joy, she would help me get through one of the hardest things of my life. After several days of 24/7 throwing up I figured I should probably divulge the information that I was with child. I told them and to my surprise they weren't totally rude to me, instead they opened up their arms to me. One day after having gone to LDS family services I had a pile of adoptive couple profiles. I was looking through them on the floor. I had a yes, no, maybe pile. I had certain things i really wanted. ( I am not going to share those because I fear that adoptive couples will feel they need to have those. This is not true. Every birthmother has different wants and needs.) Anyways...Alyson came in from class and asked what they were, I explained they were potential adoptive parents of my baby. Aly responded non chalantly and walked into her room. Minutes later she came back out and told me of her aunt in uncle who lived in another state. I told her to have them call me or send me their profile. Well her aunt called me on the phone. She sounded nice on the phone at first impression then I found more out about her and her family. They were involved in a lot of the activities I had hoped and dreamed that my baby would be able to be involved in as well. She had two other biological boys. Big brothers is something I had always wanted. Then she sent me their profile. I looked at that profile for hours. Scoping everything out. I cried, I smiled, I pondered.

One day, I just realized, This baby belongs to them. I had my caseworker set up a face to face so I could tell them. They thought I just wanted to meet them. I put together a basket with Alyson and had it all ready for them when they came down. I was very excited, nervous, and scared. I probably tried on like 7 outfits...Aly kept saying, " You look fine" My biggest fear was that they would think I was some stupid teenager who went out and got knocked up. When they walked into that room I felt calm instantly. Then when their boys walked in I KNEW I had made the right choice. They are the two sweetest most well mannered boys i have ever met. I handed them my basket with the sonogram and some baby stuff. They just looked at it. They didn't really say anything. I started to freak out then. No response I was worried they were going to say no. After the meeting we went to Ice Cream. We talked and I enjoyed getting to know them. Overall I was pretty quiet. I went home and I just cried that night. I can't think of anyway to describe it. You feel relief because you know you found the parents and yet you feel an overwhelming grief because it becomes real. I have never wept like I did then.

On August 20, 2008 Josie Jeanne was born. She had a hard time getting here, but she made it. I regret it with all my might but I didn't even hold her right after she was born. I was just so exhausted. But on the other hand I think it was a good thing. She was able to have that bonding moment with her parents. The next two days went by so fast. Then I had to place that beautiful baby girl into their arms at placement. It was the hardest moment of my life. I didn't ever think in a million years I could feel hurt like that. But I did. I placed her in their arms and I walked out. That night I went to my parents house and didn't sleep at all. I was in shock. I kept putting my hand on my stomach. I was missing my baby girl. I wept, I looked at pictures. I missed her so so much. I cried for probably three months straight. Then in November I had the chance to see her for the first time since placement. When I held that baby girl again, the sadness started to heal, when I saw her with her family and how well she fit in, the sadness was even more alleviated. I knew she fit. She belonged to them!

I went home feeling worlds better. Skipping ahead. When I was getting ready to go to her sealing my friend who had planned on going with me skipped out. So I invited the guy who I had only been dating for a week (I know crazy! Yes, we are still together! lol ) and my birthmother friend and of course Aly. We went and I had some time with Josie before both the blessing and the sealing. When they came out of the temple they looked so beautiful. They looked so happy. It tore me up and made me happy all at the same time. But it was then I knew with no doubt in my mind I made the right choice.

Josie's adoptive parents are the most amazing people I have ever met and I am so thankful for them. I am thankful for their two sons. I am thankful for Aly. Most of all I am thankful for God.

15 months later I still miss Josie every once in a while and I still think about her everyday. But it gets better everyday. I can not ever regret my decision because she is with who she belongs to. I know that when she grows up she will know who i am and how I feel about her. She will know she is loved by a ridiculous amount of people. She is a beautiful girl and is growing to be more beautiful everyday. I love my Josie!!

Personal blog

I just wanted to share this. I'm hoping to get a better post in soon. Anway, here is a link to a recent blog I posted on my personal blog. You can also find my adoption story on this blog. Just click the label adoption and it will pull up everything I have posted about adoption.

I know that even though it was so hard for me to do, and I don't know of anything I will have to do in my life that will be harder, placing my little boy for adoption totally changed my life in a much better way. I am also so thankful that I have made it these past two years (it was two years ago this month that I decided to place my little boy for adoption, I chose the couple I decided to place with, and I met them all within two weeks) and am so thankful to have the love and support of my husband and family.

From Someone Near and Dear

This is from my Grandparents! They mean a lot to me and it is great to hear from them.

We adopted our son Ian when he was six months old and weighed only 10lbs. He had been born premature. He had a few birth defects but with help and love he was able to overcome. He served a mission for his church. Got a degree in teaching and now teaches learning disabled children. He has not tried to contact his birth parents. He does not feel he needs to. We have encouraged him but he is now 40 years old and can make that choice. We have never had any regret adopting and feel very thankful to that birth mother for the privilege of raising our son.

God bless you all for your unselfish choice.
Alan & Anne

our first guest blogger!

in honor of national adoption month Jessa and i have been asking the adoption world for volunteers to guest blog about their birthmother experiences. I am so excited about this! it will be a great way to share with each other, find healing thru sharing, find healing thru learning of others experiences, and build a stronger support network for birthmothers.

our first guest blogger is not a 'typical' birthmother, some may choose to not even refer to her as a birthmother. As a woman who gave birth to her child, i think she qualifies. I first met vanessa here when she bravely shared her story. I immediately knew we must be friends and i felt strongly that there are women out there that can relate to her adoption experience and benefit from her loving insight. I am thrilled that she is willing to share her story here with us as our very first guest blogger!

My choices were taken away but Gods choices prevailed. A life changed by Adoption.

Hi my name is Vanessa, I am a single mother to Trevor who is now 14 months old and I have a very different story, which I have been feeling like I should share with those considering adoption. I was 23 when I found out I was pregnant. The birthfather and myself had been on and off for about four years. But at the time more off than on. And we had a lot of trust issues, we were just both immature. Anyways I considered adoption and, well after months of trying to ask my Heavenly Father what i should do I decided to look for a family.

I found a wonderful family and they came to meet me and the birthfather. They were exactly the family I wanted for my son. And they had adopted before, another little boy. I was able to meet him as well. Now this wasn't an easy choice of course. I had always wanted to be a mom and knew I could be great at it. But there was one thing I couldn't give my son. An eternal family. And so after a lot of back and forth with myself and the birthfather, it was clear to me that this was the path for my son and I.

As time went on and the pregnancy progressed I was at peace with how things would go. My Heavenly Father, I believe, was preparing me for what was to come. I was in close contact with the Adoptive couple and the plan was set. I would bring lil Trevor home with me for three days and then the family would come. I knew I needed that time to say my "goodbye's for now", and so the time came and I delivered my beautiful baby boy. It was not bittersweet, it was more about that time I knew I had with him. I wanted it to be OUR time and everyone was very respectful of that. The Hospital was very respectful of my wishes as was family and friends. But I had told my case worker not to file my papers to terminate parental rights until the baby was actually with the Adoptive couple. I wanted to make sure he could stay with me up until the point when I would hand him to his Adoptive mother.

The birthfather on the other had had signed his papers a week before the birth and I never knew what would come of those papers. I assumed at that point we were all on the same page- he wanted this as did I .

But that was not the case.

I had allowed him to come to the hospital to see Trevor, and he was able to come and see him the day after I brought him home. At that point the Adoptive couple had been told to come and we had set up the time for the placement. Little did I know that when the Birthfather saw Trevor that his whole stance changed. He called me, frantic, and said he changed his mind. He was going to keep Trevor and that he needed to contact the agency to get his termination papers back!

Things at that point began to move in slow motion for me. It was as if everyone else was rushing around and I was sitting still. How could this be happening? Of course I want to keep Trevor, I love him, but I know that he was to be placed with the family we had chosen.

My case workers called me and it didn't seem possible, his papers had not gone through and he still had parental rights to Trevor.

My free agency and my choices didn't count anymore.

I would have to make things work with Trevor. He is my life, my world, and I couldn't love him more. However, in my case something happened which I never imagined. I never even thought about what would happen if the birthfather changed his mind, I only thought of my mind and it was made up, so I didn't worry about that.

Now that I am where I am and Trevor is with me, I know God planned this to happen and his plans were different than mine. However, if in hindsight I had only made sure that the paternal termination of rights paper work had gone through, my life would be totally different. As would my son's.

Luckily in my case the Birthfather has straightened up and is a wonderful Father to Trevor, however even now I do not know if I will ever be able to give my son the Eternal family that I have always wanted for him. I take each day as it comes and I know God has a plan for our lives and he directs our fates. But if my situation was just a little different and the birthfather was a bad guy or well just a sperm donor with some opinions... this is why I wanted to share my story- I would never want any other birthmother to have her choices not count just because she didn't think that it could happen to her.

I was 'that' girl, I knew he was on board, I knew he and I wanted the same thing for our son, I knew he was to be placed...what I didn't know was that I didn't know anything, only GOD did.

I hope that my story is relevant to some other birthmoms. I know I have not actually placed but my life has forever been changed by adoption! Adoption is such an amazing thing and I will always hold it close to my heart, as I will all the birthmothers I met when I was pregnant with an adoption plan, they are truly some of the strongest people I have ever known! I love you all!

Trevor (3 days old) and I , this was the day my life changed and I found out Trevor would be staying with me.

Thank you so much for allowing me to do this.
I am so happy to share! It has helped me so much!

Vanessa