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Thursday, November 5, 2009

our first guest blogger!

in honor of national adoption month Jessa and i have been asking the adoption world for volunteers to guest blog about their birthmother experiences. I am so excited about this! it will be a great way to share with each other, find healing thru sharing, find healing thru learning of others experiences, and build a stronger support network for birthmothers.

our first guest blogger is not a 'typical' birthmother, some may choose to not even refer to her as a birthmother. As a woman who gave birth to her child, i think she qualifies. I first met vanessa here when she bravely shared her story. I immediately knew we must be friends and i felt strongly that there are women out there that can relate to her adoption experience and benefit from her loving insight. I am thrilled that she is willing to share her story here with us as our very first guest blogger!

Hi my name is Vanessa, I am a single mother to Trevor who is now 14 months old and I have a very different story, which I have been feeling like I should share with those considering adoption. I was 23 when I found out I was pregnant. The birthfather and myself had been on and off for about four years. But at the time more off than on. And we had a lot of trust issues, we were just both immature. Anyways I considered adoption and, well after months of trying to ask my Heavenly Father what i should do I decided to look for a family.

I found a wonderful family and they came to meet me and the birthfather. They were exactly the family I wanted for my son. And they had adopted before, another little boy. I was able to meet him as well. Now this wasn't an easy choice of course. I had always wanted to be a mom and knew I could be great at it. But there was one thing I couldn't give my son. An eternal family. And so after a lot of back and forth with myself and the birthfather, it was clear to me that this was the path for my son and I.

As time went on and the pregnancy progressed I was at peace with how things would go. My Heavenly Father, I believe, was preparing me for what was to come. I was in close contact with the Adoptive couple and the plan was set. I would bring lil Trevor home with me for three days and then the family would come. I knew I needed that time to say my "goodbye's for now", and so the time came and I delivered my beautiful baby boy. It was not bittersweet, it was more about that time I knew I had with him. I wanted it to be OUR time and everyone was very respectful of that. The Hospital was very respectful of my wishes as was family and friends. But I had told my case worker not to file my papers to terminate parental rights until the baby was actually with the Adoptive couple. I wanted to make sure he could stay with me up until the point when I would hand him to his Adoptive mother.

The birthfather on the other had had signed his papers a week before the birth and I never knew what would come of those papers. I assumed at that point we were all on the same page- he wanted this as did I .

But that was not the case.

I had allowed him to come to the hospital to see Trevor, and he was able to come and see him the day after I brought him home. At that point the Adoptive couple had been told to come and we had set up the time for the placement. Little did I know that when the Birthfather saw Trevor that his whole stance changed. He called me, frantic, and said he changed his mind. He was going to keep Trevor and that he needed to contact the agency to get his termination papers back!

Things at that point began to move in slow motion for me. It was as if everyone else was rushing around and I was sitting still. How could this be happening? Of course I want to keep Trevor, I love him, but I know that he was to be placed with the family we had chosen.

My case workers called me and it didn't seem possible, his papers had not gone through and he still had parental rights to Trevor.
My free agency and my choices didn't count anymore.

I would have to make things work with Trevor. He is my life, my world, and I couldn't love him more. However, in my case something happened which I never imagined. I never even thought about what would happen if the birthfather changed his mind, I only thought of my mind and it was made up, so I didn't worry about that.

Now that I am where I am and Trevor is with me, I know God planned this to happen and his plans were different than mine. However, if in hindsight I had only made sure that the paternal termination of rights paper work had gone through, my life would be totally different. As would my son's.

Luckily in my case the Birthfather has straightened up and is a wonderful Father to Trevor, however even now I do not know if I will ever be able to give my son the Eternal family that I have always wanted for him. I take each day as it comes and I know God has a plan for our lives and he directs our fates. But if my situation was just a little different and the birthfather was a bad guy or well just a sperm donor with some opinions... this is why I wanted to share my story- I would never want any other birthmother to have her choices not count just because she didn't think that it could happen to her.

I was 'that' girl, I knew he was on board, I knew he and I wanted the same thing for our son, I knew he was to be placed...what I didn't know was that I didn't know anything, only GOD did.

I hope that my story is relevant to some other birthmoms. I know I have not actually placed but my life has forever been changed by adoption! Adoption is such an amazing thing and I will always hold it close to my heart, as I will all the birthmothers I met when I was pregnant with an adoption plan, they are truly some of the strongest people I have ever known! I love you all!

Trevor (3 days old) and I , this was the day my life changed and I found out Trevor would be staying with me.

Thank you so much for allowing me to do this.
I am so happy to share! It has helped me so much!
Vanessa

2 comments:

The Millers said...

Vanessa I had a similar thing happen. I almost became a single-mom by default because the BF decided to stop the adoption 3 weeks before Anna was born, this was after not seeing or talking to me for 6 months. I know how you felt, when life was moving around you but you stood still, I have been there before. I was fortunate though to have my adoption go through.

GOOD for you for making the right decision, in some cases it just can't happen, it doesn't happen often, but it does and the fact that you were on the path to making the right decision for your son is awesome. You are probably a wonderful mother! I am happy for you! If you are curious to read my story, feel free to read my blog attached to my name link and read the last post on the page about my birthdaughter.

JLBills said...

This is one of my favorite guest blogger stories! VERY inspiring!!

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