Guilty?

Pin It

What a wonderful opportunity to blog about a topic near and dear to both Jessa and myself. We got to have a lovely chat this afternoon because there has been some wailing and gnashing of teeth in regards to certain members of the adoption triad not being able to voice their experiences, perspective, and opinion on a specific social media site.

*non-affiliated with us*

or is it?

You see there is this little thing called guilt by association. It can’t be avoided. It can’t be ignored. It is unfortunately how most of us make our judgments and collect our knowledge about the people in the world both near and far.

That makes us affiliated to the social media site that we don’t have any tangible authority over. No control to what is said. No control what the actions of that site do to the perception of ‘birthmother’.

Guilt by association is not a problem when things are going well. LOVE IT. Free marketing and advertising and character development! It’s a huge problem when birthmoms are being perceived as having an agenda that we ourselves don’t cater to or there is behavior that we ourselves would never participate in.
sucks, huh?

In the birthmother demographic there are definitely different ‘sides’. Very simply stated there are the women that fall on the side of negative and the women who fall on the side of positive. There is very little cross over. Both sides are justified in their convictions. Both sides are full of women who deserve to share their voice. Both sides have good wholesome people and not so good or wholesome people. There is a vast difference in experience and opinion between these two sides. Yet we are all still birthmothers. We will ALWAYS have that in common.

What one birthmom does and says, especially on social media,
in a public forum no less, creates perceptions about
every.single.one.of.us. 

Does this mean that one cannot freely share their experiences and opinions in public? No
It simply means that you can choose you words, you can choose your attitude, you can choose whether you reply and/or react, you can choose your behavior, you can choose to play nice, you can choose to stir up trouble. Only you can choose, and there’s rarely anything anyone else can do about your choice.

Jessa and I have always striven to allow all members of the triad an opportunity to share their voice. We welcome differing of opinion. We share articles and stories that we don’t necessarily agree with or share conviction with. We try really hard to stand up for those that are not given a platform.
We do however have a zero tolerance policy for unsolicited character attacks and we won’t share false or made up ‘facts’. We try to set an example and we are not perfect. BM4A started by trying to pave a way, create a soapbox per say, for a voice that we believed wasn't heard. We've made mistakes, and corrected them, many times over the years.

We want to encourage our fellow birthmothers to always do the same. We want you to make a choice that builds up, rather than tears down. You don’t have to be a rainbow farting positive glitter tosser to build up. You can express very negative things and still be building up the birthmom demographic.

Together we need to:

• Keep each other accountable – CALL YOUR FELLOW BIRTHMOMS OUT ON THEIR SHIT. Let the rest of the adoption community know when you don’t agree with what soandso said/did.
• Be honest. Truth wins every time. *remember that your truth is not EVERYones truth* 
• Think before you speak/act. Walk away when necessary. You don’t have to reply!
• Consider how your comments/actions reflect on the demographic as a whole. 
• Choose private venues to express ‘how you really feel’ or to vent in.
• Listen. Don’t discriminate. Play nice. Apologize when you play mean.

And most importantly…

please, just DON’T.BE.STUPID! 

Stupid is as stupid does. Stay classy, San Diego. Good night, and good luck. 

sad or happy.

Pin It

If you want to be sad, 

no one in the world can make you happy. 

But if you make up your mind to be happy, 

no one and nothing on earth 

can take that happiness from you. 

~paramhansa yogananda

india 2012. image property of birthMOM ©

articles that demote instead of promote

Pin It

this article has been going around. before you click on it please know that i couldnt stand to read it in its entirety, but here are my thoughts on what little i DID read.

Dear Christian Who is Praying for An Infant to Adopt

right off the bat - i have a HUGE problem with this: 
"....do you understand that you are praying for a family to be separated, so you can be joined together?
That’s what it will take for you to get the baby.
When you ask your friends to join you in praying that a baby will more quickly become available for you, do you understand that you are praying for a traumatic event in the life of a mother and child, one that will affect both of their lives, forever?"

VOMIT

some more issues i have

-  the article is out of date regarding legalities and what is involved/standard practice in relinquishment, placement and post placement.

and yes, recent research is limited if non existent. but that doesnt mean that out of date research should be used or even referenced. acknowledge the change and that the out of date info exists, but leave it at that. shes talking to hopeful couples wanting to adopt RIGHT NOW. so what happened even 10 years ago is completely irrelevant to their adoption situation. lets talk abt the here and now. lets talk abt openness and how to accept that and want it for your adoption. 

i love this video, which i feel does just that, and is way more encouraging for a newly hopeful couple to embrace than the article in question.

- the article centers on trashing a quote by mcnamara in a way that totally deviates from the context of the quote.

esp since the beginning of the article was:
McNamara says: “It has been said that adoption is more like a marriage than a birth: two (or more) individuals, each with their own unique mix of needs, patterns and genetic history, coming together with love, hope and commitment for a joint future. You become a family not because you share the same genes, but because you share love for each other.”
I do see similarities between marriage and adoption. Both institutions involve joining those who are not relatives by birth, both become immediate family members and both entail legalities.

YET

the close of the article:
There are half a million children in the United States living in foster care, many of them waiting to be adopted. They are quite eager to fill empty arms.
“But we don’t want to adopt an older child,” they say…”we want a baby.”
Oh…I’m sorry. I thought it was all about helping a child.
Was I mistaken?

VOMIT!! 

HOW DID WE GET FROM a MARRIAGE comparison quote by a birth mother TO 'YOU CAN ONLY ADOPT FROM FOSTER CARE TO HAVE A GOOD CONSCIOUS AND NOT BE AN EVIL ADOPTIVE PARENT'!? 

can you tell i have little tolerance for adoption bullsh*t anymore?!

-the author speaks for christian adoptive parents. is she even one? no shes an adoptee. making her opinion irrelevant - its subjective of a reality that she cant fathom. 

i also didnt care for the condescending biased attitude she used.

theres a right way and wrong way to get people to adapt their thought process and motivation and this author chose the wrong way! 

 - sidenote. EVERYONE! read 'the people code'. it will change your life. 
thank me later. youre welcome 

if you make people feel like sh*t, they wont listen to you. EVER.
which i feel was the point of her article- making people feel like sh*t.

she was shaming people that are desirous to build a family via adoption, for being desirous! and shaming them for following what theyve been taught to do- which is to ask god to help them manifest their desires. and righteous desires at that, as creating a family and raising children is a rightesous desire. (to most christians)
shaming people who are [probably] brand new to adoption and only know what they know, which is [probably] next to nothing [regarding adoption].
yet she insinuates that these people are being SELF righteous for following their hearts and asking of god. 

SUPER christian of her. way to go pastor.

#sonotcool

make people feel positive abt something, inspire them, motivate them, teach them in a way that is relatable and attainable, and they will want to become/manifest that positive something for themselves.

~someone said to me, 

"we need to talk abt the negative side of adoption, which the author is doing"~

my response to that: 

i believe we can address the negative in a positive manner. and i believe, from first hand experience, and from endless observation, that is is wildly more effective.

i even had to take classes on it in dr school, taught and directed by proven research that behavior change and changing minds comes from a place of positivity. motivating pts to change negative behavior is a huge part of being a doctor. no patient is going to change when you present the negative of their situation to them. they disappear forever, and thats MY fault, not theres. another ex- endless research on quitting smoking - proving that the negative health consequences have nothing to do with motivating smokers to quit. what motivates them to quit is a positive behavior change cycle.

i believe the same applies to adoption. i believe sharing my story in a positive manner has done more good for adoption than sharing my story in a negative manner would have done. i believe that using my voice to focus on the good - openness, trust, joy etc, breaks down those fears in people harboring said fears. when the good things about adoption are embraced, the negatives melt away.

none of the things that have happened, or havent happened since placement take away the fact that YOU CHOSE to place for adoption. everything that happened after that is secondary to your choice.
articles like this take away the empowerment factor, especially in todays situations. in the bse, choice was evasive. today, its pretty hard to claim coercion because in the end, you signed those papers, no one made you do it. ('you' in general birthmom terms) 

and making that choice to place is NOT the adoptive couples fault, like this article implies - with words like divorce, trauma, separation, surrender. BARF!! #sooveritimactuallyunderit

show me an article with a valid relevant point, and a

 correct adoption practice reference and ill gladly read it

ps the hashtags are for jessa

Motherhood is...

Pin It

I imagine that motherhood [for most] is a responsibility like no other and a privilege not to be taken lightly. I presume that motherhood is a daily activity- a trial and error and trial, again and again. Each day is a new beginning, yet a continuation of the one before. A constant hum of love, learning, regret, more love, understanding, evolving, nurturing, more love, joy, sorrow, smiles, tears, laughs, pain, bliss, frustration, peace, and more love. A process that never ends, a constant refiners fire, an adventure with great rewards, and unknown mysteries around every corner.

For me, motherhood is a culmination of all the possible emotions and experiences from a lifetime of raising children, all rolled into one intense moment, one moment so emotionally raw, tender, profound and exquisite, that there are no written words for me to ever accurately describe it. That bittersweet moment of ultimate motherhood, when I placed my child into the open loving arms of his parents.

Some call the choice to place a child for adoption heroic, some call it sacrifice, some call it tragic, some call it a mistake, some call it a miracle, some call it a gift, some call it love…

I now call it ‘motherlove’.

As a mother, I took my responsibility very seriously; I understood what was best for my child and with all my mothering love, I chose accordingly. 

For me, that’s what ‘motherhood’ is.

Over the years I have been able to share a motherhood with another woman- my mother partner. It is a unique bond that few get to share, a unique love that few get to foster, and a treasured experience that few ever get to live. How blessed we are, blessed by motherhood; motherlove. 

what motivates you?

Pin It

i read this article today about motivation, and it struck me, but not in a 'need to go to the gym', or 'get more organized' type of way. it struck me on a deeper, more philosophical level. (maybe cuz being in naturopathic dr school forces you to see everything from a whole picture perspective!? lol) 

**** this where you go read the article before continuing on ****

i particularly like the paragraph that addresses negative vs positive imprints. so of course i thought of adoption. there isnt much middle ground in adoption when it comes to sharing opinions and experiences, esp in bloggy land.  it seems to be a love/hate relationship with a few scattered voices in between. i love the reference to the neurology and survival mechanisms. (lets get serious for 1 quick sec, any level of involvement in adoption requires massive survival mechanisms!)

so i ask you, fellow birthmom blog readers and writers ....

what motivates you to share your adoption experience(s) in the way that you do? is it negative or a positive fuel that lights your adoption fire? 

what motivates you to remember the things that you choose to remember from the pregnancy, birth, placement, and the here after? 

the article closes with: "Motivation therefore, is not something we should rely on for long-term high performance..... self-awareness and self-regulation, are much better for longer term sustainability ..."

it also ends with a challenge: This week, take a measure of times in the day or week that you feel very motivated. Do a quick self assessment/scan of your thoughts and body. Gauge how long this state lasts for you, and what caused it. 

I think we could all benefit from taking this idea to heart in how we choose to remember, talk about and share our adoption experiences in the public realm, and also how we interpret other voices in the adoption world. self awareness and self regulation are much needed in adoption bloggy land, esp if you want anyone to take to heart what it is youre trying to say/share with the world!  

if we are motivated by negative, maybe its time to focus on the other 9 things [out of the total 10] that were actually positive for a bit. 

if we are motivated by the 9 positive things maybe we need to acknowledge and embrace that 1 bad thing, scary as it may have been, to fully accept our experience. 

of course no ones perfect, and of course no 2 birth mothers experiences are EVER the same, and of course no one is ever wrong to simply share their experience. but i believe that when we step back, and look at our motivations, we might be a little surprised, and hopefully will make some changes for the better, in how we blog and in all areas of our lives. 

~adoption luvs

What if? What if?

Pin It

"What' and ‘if’.  Two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."  from Sophie's letter to Clair in Letters to Juliet.

An adoptive parent asked me to write a post on how I think my life would have been different if I'd been a child of an open adoption instead of a tightly closed one.  Actually, I rarely dwell in the what if realm.  Thoughts come to me —longings-- and I am confronted with phantom grief for all of the lives I didn't live.  I visit there sometimes, visit the what if.  But that realm is at the end of a long, lonely street.  It takes a while to get there, and once I leave I don't have the desire to return very soon.  I'm stating only the obvious what ifs in this post, from my perspective.


If I start dwelling on what if I'd had an open adoption, then I have to think about what if I hadn't been adopted at all:    I have to think about the fact that I wouldn't have been there for my a-parents when they were close to death.  I have consider that Teresa wouldn't be my lifelong best friend from my home town in California.  I have imagine life without my two brothers and older sister.  I have to imagine a life built on something other than my Faith.  I have to consider a childhood without piano lessons.  I have to think about not meeting my husband at BYU, getting married and having my four wonderful children.  It's too much.  It gives me migraines.   I never say "I wish I weren't adopted."   I never will say it.  I don't feel that way.

Now, the question of what if I'd had an open adoption.  If I had known my birth mother, I would not have felt depressed every birthday wondering about the day I was born.  I would not have looked at brunette models on Revlon TV commercials and fantasized that one of them was my natural mother.  I would have know who gave me my freak double-jointed fingers and crooked pinkies. 


 I could have answered medical history questions at the doctor's office.   I would have felt more comfortable living in my own skin.   I would have confidence that my sometimes serious, too analytic, Information Nation style of socializing was inherited honestly, and not a character defect.  I would have had more adults in my life to mentor me, to love me, to be interested in me.


I will not attempt to address the what if from my birth mother's perspective.  But here's something she wrote on the subject:  "When I surrendered  I knew I could not have contact with my daughter and should not even start looking for her until she was 18 . I could force myself to cast aside thoughts about her until she reached that magic age.  Mothers in open adoption have to navigate a relationship from day one."


Relationship navigation is very tricky.  I think my adoptive parents could have managed an open adoption though, especially with my particular birth mother.  If my adoptive parents and known my birth parents , perhaps they would have had an easier time parenting me.  They would have recognized my body language, my sense of humor, my seriousness.  They wouldn't have had to figure me out from scratch.  

I have come to grips with my adoption; I would never change anything, now three and a half years through it, but there are times that I still struggle. The other day I saw my little guy's birth father and it put knots in my stomach. Now that I'm married and starting my own family, part of me feels that it shouldn't bother me, but it really does. He looked at me, or more likely stared me down, and I suddenly felt a lot of shame. I was standing there with the man I have committed my life to and there was someone else there that knew me before I had had a child. Someone that I would have to say was my 'first love'. Someone that I still felt some emotion towards. My emotion isn't really anger against him and the choices he made. It was hurt for my husband because I felt that in some way I had betrayed him before I even knew him. I felt him tense, watched his face darken, and his arm grip my sides closer. Should I be flattered by this protective behavior or nervous that he doesn't trust me? How would any of you (or have any of you) responded to this?

It's a really small community and since we have moved here, we keep bumping in to him. At first I thought it was coincidence but it kept happening more and more frequently, from him applying for work where my husband works, to him hanging out with people that live in the same apartment complex we live and standing right near our door. My emotions are out of control. Have any of you ever worried about the birth father coming back in to your life? Or making things miserable for you later?

I'm sorry that this post inspirational or thought provoking. ~shanna

Inevitable Regret?

I actually have had a few friends let me know recently about themselves or people they know that have said they regret placing.

Oddly enough every single one of these people are three to four months into the adoption process.

Also interesting, this is when i said, a couple times, "I need to get Josie back."

Now further on down the road, at almost 3 years.... I don't regret it and i would NEVER dream of saying I want Josie back.

So what has changed?

Well first of all, I have found myself. I have found who I am. I have MATURED
I was ridiculously RIDICULOUSLY immature. i mean in a bad way. I still have a little bit of that immaturity...but i am nowhere near as bad as i used to be. I have learned that there is someone of importance besides myself. I learned that no matter what even if it hurts beyond belief you need to do whats right.

I think another thing that has changed is i was able to see into the future. I had some space. Some time to heal and not have every second of every day revolve around that gorgeous little girl...that goofy, funny, lively, beautiful, sweet little girl. Now i think of Josie, I do. Quite often in fact. but now because i had that space it is a happy thought. A smile. an acknowledgement. An absolute happiness for her and her wonderful family. I was able to look in the future and see, now it might be fun to have her while she is a small baby, but what about when she is 3 or 4 and she wants a daddy. when she needs a daddy. What about when i am working 40 hour weeks and she was in daycare and i only got to see her for a few hours everyday before i had to tuck her in, go to bed, and start it all over the next day? What about when her biological sperm donor decided he wanted to be daddy and start a custody battle so that he could have those weekend visits, then having to explain his excuse of why he decided not to show up that weekend.
The future was my saving grace.

I think it is normal to go through a time of, "I want my baby back." Not EVERY person will go through it but i bet most will at least think it once or twice. I think it is normal to want to What If the heck out of the situation. But also during these times revert back to the journal entry when you wrote how strong you felt in your decision. Go back to those memories of the face to face, the choosing of the couple. Remember why you chose adoption in the first place.

Be careful that you aren't getting sucked in by fantasies, ex boyfriends, baby daddies, overwhelming depression.

Sometimes it helps to just vent in a journal, on a blog, etc. Just make sure to not dwell for an excessive period of time.

When times are tough find a good friend to talk to. one who will be honest, brutally honest.

I love you all!
Jessalynn

Pros and Cons

I recently encountered a young girl who is pregnant. 

I decided to not sugar coat my thoughts because I knew everyone else 

who she was talking to for advice was. 

I pulled her aside and had her write her pros and cons list of single parenting. 

As we went down this list every single PRO had to do with her selfish reasons,

none of it was for the child. 

I underlined all the "I get to...I would see...I would get..." 

I say this all the time and I will say it a million more... 

'I' ended when you got pregnant. 

It is now about your baby... 

You are no longer the one whose feelings should be guarded! 

I then said to this girl "Now what is best for your BABY?" 

She said, placing.

Geez I wanted to shake her...

luckily I think I made a breakthrough.

This may sound a bit self righteous...I don't mean it to be at all. 

I just feel that women need to think more intensely about their baby when they are in this situation! 

I love y'all!! Jessa :)

to pregnant girls with an adoption plan

I wrote this on January 17, 2009 to post on the discussion boards of various birthmom support groups on facebook - there are tons by the way... including the group I manage (desha wood's adoption friends and family) thought i'd share it here too!! this is in response to many comments of fear from soon to be birthmoms as placement day "looms" ahead. ~desha

birthmoms- while pregnant, I hear of so many of us looking to the day of delivery and placement as the END of our journey with our babies, that our time with them is drawing to a close.

THIS IS NOT TRUE, for it is only the beginning.... the beginning of this new life we have chosen to bring into the world by not getting abortions, the beginning of the new family that WE alone created for these adoptive couples, the beginning of our purpose and destiny of being a birthmother!!

Try to remember that this is not about you (the birthmom) this is about him/her (the baby). This decision was made with his/her best interest in mind, not your best interest. We decided to place our babies for adoption because that's what WE wanted for our babies, to give them something we could not provide on our own.

Placement day is not -something to dread
                                      -something to be scared of
                                      -something to look towards with fear and pain and sorrow and grief

it is something WONDERFUL and amazing and precious and extremely exciting and very VERY sacred in the eyes of your creator.

Don't be sad, don't be scared..... BE HAPPY, this is an amazing gift- to ourselves, to the forever families and most of all to our babies. Keep your attitude positive and your adoption experience will be positive, keep your attitude in the gutter and you will indeed have a bad/sad/full of pain and sorrowful adoption experience. I'm not denying that giving birth and then placing my birthson into the arms of his parents wasn't a truly bittersweet experience, but there was never ANY room for me to be sad or grieve an experience that was SO RIGHT and so full of peace and so ultimately divinely planned and perfect.

june 2008

By choosing to be sad I would have ruined that experience for everyone involved, including my birthson. I'm better than that and so are all of you! We are strong women by nature or we would have decided to keep our babies out of selfish fear. Of course we can "do this" or God wouldn't have trusted us to be a birthmother in the first place.

BE HAPPY that you GET to be a birthmom! BE EXCITED for the wonderful things that are soon to come about!!

I placed on July 22, 2008. ***** will be 6 months old on January 20, 2009. He is very happy, very healthy, and so very loved.... as am I.
adoption luvs

lose sight

One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a long time.
--- Unknown

Take a minute to step back and look at the full picture! 

If you are only focusing on how you feel, 

then you are in the wrong place to make a decision. 

When you can step back and "lose sight of the shore" and think about your baby, then you can make a good decision. Research everything on all sides of the spectrum. "You" ended when you got pregnant. Your baby and his/her happiness should be your #1 top priority now.

Make a decision based on that! 

I love you all!! Jessa

The Cost of Baby

I was thinking earlier today, after watching yet another episode of 16 and pregnant. This episode was featuring a young couple staying together and parenting their baby! They were upset with how much a child cost, in fact the birthfather went out and bought himself a playstation and rock band! He said "This baby isn't even born yet and I am already broke."

WELL, DUH!! 

Babies not only have a lot of emotional needs, but financial ones too!
Here are just a few costs and prices I looked up:

Stroller  $60-130
Crib  $140 +
Bottles  $80/yr approx
Diapers $9,000-11,000/ yr
Pacifiers 2/pk $3.99
Formula  $80-150/mos
Baby Carriage  $30-100

Keep in mind this is just a few of the things, not to mention medical health insurance. Also, remember that a baby grows up! Remember how much it cost when you started school? I also decided to look up the avg cost of a raising a child to the age of 18, excluding tuition for college.

$250,000!

That is if they are healthy 100% of the time!
So, that is just some food for thought that I was feasting on!

Single Parenting...Not so glorious!!

I was watching 16 and pregnant last night. It was about a girl who was a senior in high school who chose to single parent. Of course having placed for adoption myself, I am all for placement when girls do not have a way to properly care for the child or a way to give them a stable family and home life. This girl didn't have a car, didn't graduate high school, she quit her job, and she got all her money from her parents. Then, when she had the baby she complained to her mom that she didn't get any sleep and she wanted freedom to hang out with her friends!

SURPRISE!!!! 

If you are a single parent, you do not have a lot of help. That is a simple reality and a truth that is often overlooked. This single mother chose to give up her freedom when she chose to parent. I find it funny that on top of all this, she was surprised that all her friends who swore they'd help her if she kept the baby, were not around!

If you choose to parent the baby, you better be prepared for the consequences!