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Friday, July 12, 2013

articles that demote instead of promote

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this article has been going around. before you click on it please know that i couldnt stand to read it in its entirety, but here are my thoughts on what little i DID read.


right off the bat - i have a HUGE problem with this: 
"....do you understand that you are praying for a family to be separated, so you can be joined together?
That’s what it will take for you to get the baby.
When you ask your friends to join you in praying that a baby will more quickly become available for you, do you understand that you are praying for a traumatic event in the life of a mother and child, one that will affect both of their lives, forever?"

VOMIT


some more issues i have
-  the article is out of date regarding legalities and what is involved/standard practice in relinquishment, placement and post placement.

and yes, recent research is limited if non existent. but that doesnt mean that out of date research should be used or even referenced. acknowledge the change and that the out of date info exists, but leave it at that. shes talking to hopeful couples wanting to adopt RIGHT NOW. so what happened even 10 years ago is completely irrelevant to their adoption situation. lets talk abt the here and now. lets talk abt openness and how to accept that and want it for your adoption. 
i love this video, which i feel does just that, and is way more encouraging for a newly hopeful couple to embrace than the article in question.

- the article centers on trashing a quote by mcnamara in a way that totally deviates from the context of the quote.


esp since the beginning of the article was:
McNamara says: “It has been said that adoption is more like a marriage than a birth: two (or more) individuals, each with their own unique mix of needs, patterns and genetic history, coming together with love, hope and commitment for a joint future. You become a family not because you share the same genes, but because you share love for each other.”
I do see similarities between marriage and adoption. Both institutions involve joining those who are not relatives by birth, both become immediate family members and both entail legalities.


YET

the close of the article:
There are half a million children in the United States living in foster care, many of them waiting to be adopted. They are quite eager to fill empty arms.
“But we don’t want to adopt an older child,” they say…”we want a baby.”
Oh…I’m sorry. I thought it was all about helping a child.
Was I mistaken?
VOMIT!! 
HOW DID WE GET FROM a MARRIAGE comparison quote by a birth mother TO 'YOU CAN ONLY ADOPT FROM FOSTER CARE TO HAVE A GOOD CONSCIOUS AND NOT BE AN EVIL ADOPTIVE PARENT'!? 
can you tell i have little tolerance for adoption bullsh*t anymore?!

-the author speaks for christian adoptive parents. is she even one? no shes an adoptee. making her opinion irrelevant - its subjective of a reality that she cant fathom. 


i also didnt care for the condescending biased attitude she used.
theres a right way and wrong way to get people to adapt their thought process and motivation and this author chose the wrong way! 
 - sidenote. EVERYONE! read 'the people code'. it will change your life. 
thank me later. youre welcome 

if you make people feel like sh*t, they wont listen to you. EVER.
which i feel was the point of her article- making people feel like sh*t.

she was shaming people that are desirous to build a family via adoption, for being desirous! and shaming them for following what theyve been taught to do- which is to ask god to help them manifest their desires. and righteous desires at that, as creating a family and raising children is a rightesous desire. (to most christians)
shaming people who are [probably] brand new to adoption and only know what they know, which is [probably] next to nothing [regarding adoption].
yet she insinuates that these people are being SELF righteous for following their hearts and asking of god. 
SUPER christian of her. way to go pastor.
#sonotcool

make people feel positive abt something, inspire them, motivate them, teach them in a way that is relatable and attainable, and they will want to become/manifest that positive something for themselves.

~someone said to me, 
"we need to talk abt the negative side of adoption, which the author is doing"~
my response to that: 

i believe we can address the negative in a positive manner. and i believe, from first hand experience, and from endless observation, that is is wildly more effective.
i even had to take classes on it in dr school, taught and directed by proven research that behavior change and changing minds comes from a place of positivity. motivating pts to change negative behavior is a huge part of being a doctor. no patient is going to change when you present the negative of their situation to them. they disappear forever, and thats MY fault, not theres. another ex- endless research on quitting smoking - proving that the negative health consequences have nothing to do with motivating smokers to quit. what motivates them to quit is a positive behavior change cycle.
i believe the same applies to adoption. i believe sharing my story in a positive manner has done more good for adoption than sharing my story in a negative manner would have done. i believe that using my voice to focus on the good - openness, trust, joy etc, breaks down those fears in people harboring said fears. when the good things about adoption are embraced, the negatives melt away.
none of the things that have happened, or havent happened since placement take away the fact that YOU CHOSE to place for adoption. everything that happened after that is secondary to your choice.
articles like this take away the empowerment factor, especially in todays situations. in the bse, choice was evasive. today, its pretty hard to claim coercion because in the end, you signed those papers, no one made you do it. ('you' in general birthmom terms) 
and making that choice to place is NOT the adoptive couples fault, like this article implies - with words like divorce, trauma, separation, surrender. BARF!! #sooveritimactuallyunderit

show me an article with a valid relevant point, and a

 correct adoption practice reference and ill gladly read it

ps the hashtags are for jessa

19 comments:

Mindy said...

That woman clearly has unresolved issues and appears to be an ingrate to those who did adopt her and provide her with the life her birthmom could not provide her. In her mind, the grass is greener on the other side instead of just choosing to water the grass on her own side, resulting in making it greener. I have never read something so ridiculous.

Nella said...

Thank you for having such a good head on your shoulders. People need to stop being so judgmental, harsh, ignorant and ridiculous.

Laura Butler said...

I read this article and too had the same thoughts after reading! Thanks for getting it across to people! I am a birhmother and I KNOW adoption is Godly! i would be a fool to deny it! Love your enthusiasm!

HARMONY CHRISTIAN CENTRE FINANCE said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
HARMONY CHRISTIAN CENTRE FINANCE said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
MIF_GS said...

I do agree that shaming Prospective Adoptive Parents into just adopting from Foster Care is wrong. It's one thing to speak your disapproval of something but its another to try to put yourself in someone else's shoes and tell them what to do. When you yourself had no problem getting pregnant.

What I disagree with is that Deanna's opinion as an adoptee is irrelevant. I believe no adoptee's opinion is irrelevant. We can learn from each of them no matter how negative or positive they are. This will help us better stand them and be able to help current and future adoptees.

Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy said...

I think it really would have been helpful if you had bothered reading the entire post. That's all I will say here, the rest I will say at my blog.

Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy said...

Oh right. Almost forgot. You asked " show me an article with a valid relevant point, and a correct adoption practice reference and ill gladly read it"

Have you read these:
http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/adoption-relinquishments-by-the-numbers/
http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/the-national-council-for-adoption/
http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/marketing-adoption-indusrty-business/
http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/the-missing-piece-adoption-counseling-in-pregnancy-resource-centers/
http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/birthmother-good-mother-access/
http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/a-act-of-love-adoption-agency-utah/
http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/what-preplacement-adoption-counseling-should-look-like/
http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/bravelove-org-another-front-for-adoption-profits/
http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/crisis-pregnancy-centers-funneling-adoption-misinformation-2/
http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/angels-of-love-adoption-agency-and-a-relinquishment-under-question/

jj said...

What I got from Deanna's article is that she was SPECIFICALLY talking to a certain subgroup of adoptive parents, i.e those who specifically pray that "our birthmother will follow through on her adoption plan" ,i.e. those that specifically pray that a birthmother choses adoption for her child. I am on quite a few AP-heavy forums and that does happen. It is acutally not in the PAPs best interest to think that way because once they start praying that they get to parent that baby and start thinking of it as their baby, the harder they wil fall. It can also put pressure on the expectant mother.

It seems that in your cases, you had prospective adoptive parents that respected your decision-making process and realised that it was your decision to make. Out of interest, how would you have felt if you had heard that the parents whom who you had chosen to parent your child had told someone else "I am praying that Desha/Jessa follow through on their adoption plan". Perhaps I am an independent soul that doesn't like people relying on me making a certain decision but I personally would feel a bit oppressed by that. When I make decisions, I want to know that no-one is relying on a certain outcome.

jj said...

"That woman clearly has unresolved issues and appears to be an ingrate to those who did adopt her"

I'm not sure how you got that from the post?? In fact, it is quite probable that the reason she does have issues with that subgroup of APs who pray that expectant mothers will chose adoption is because she knows that her OWN parents would be aghast at the thought. Btw there are many APs who are aghast at those PAPs who pray that a birthmother will chose adoption - as much as those APs may want children, they also understand that an expectant mother must make her decision about her child's future without others wishing for a particular outcome. This can be one of the issues with prebirth matching in that boundaries can be blurred.

"and provide her with the life her birthmom could not provide her."

One thing that many online adoptees have in common is that they have often reunited with bfamily and have come to see their bfamilies as humans. They often realise that in fact things are more complex that just "not being able to provide" for their children.

"In her mind, the grass is greener on the other side instead of just choosing to water the grass on her own side, resulting in making it greener."

Again, where does she say that??? Btw each adoptee has their own perspective. For example, I think life would have been different with my bfamily - I can't say better or worse. I refuse to sell either my afamily or bfamily down the river and say that one lot of parents would have been better than the other - I don't know. Because of this perspective, i.e. because I won't come straight out and say that life is better with my afamily, I am considered a bitter and angry adoptee - all because I have quality afamily and bfamily. It does seem that unless one is an adoptee who is grateful that they were relinquished for adoption, then they are considered an ingrate.

birthMOM said...

JJ - thats EXACTLY what mine prayed for, from the moment i first made contact with them until the moment i left the room for placement, (abt 5 mos). it didnt bother me one bit. perhaps because i had already made my decision. perhaps because i knew that that was what they needed for their own peace and comfort. perhaps because i know that there is not any association between their prayers and my lifes outcome/decisions. perhaps because i didnt think there was anything wrong with their innocent outpouring of prayer- their intent was not malicious, neither was my choice.

jj said...

"JJ - thats EXACTLY what mine prayed for, from the moment i first made contact with them until the moment i left the room for placement, (abt 5 mos). it didnt bother me one bit. perhaps because i had already made my decision. perhaps because i knew that that was what they needed for their own peace and comfort. perhaps because i know that there is not any association between their prayers and my lifes outcome/decisions. perhaps because i didnt think there was anything wrong with their innocent outpouring of prayer- their intent was not malicious, neither was my choice."

And what about for someone who isn't so sure? I do understand that it isn't malicious but sometimes one person's feelings can can affect another person's decision-making.

Re the praying, perhaps it is because I grew up in a different era. I am a Christian too and when growing up, I prayed for what was the best outcome, not necessarily for what I wanted.

The problem for praying for a particular outcome is that it can affect one's thinking. I am a regular reader of blogs and contributor to forums and sadly I have seen that many of those who do pray for particular outcome have allowed themselves to think of the child as "their" child and inadvertantly and, to be fair, quite unintentionally in many cases, have stepped on the rights of the expectant mother. I've actually seen just 2 cases in the last week where 2 prospective APs have quite clearly stated in their blogs/forum posts that they don't want to influence the expectant mother in anyway but right at the end have affected the rights of the expectant mothers.

Case 1: Part of one expectant mother's adoption plan was that she wanted to spend a night with her child before relinquishing him to adoption. That is her right. However, the adoptive parents, whom up to then had been trying their best, were so scared that if she spent the night with the baby that she might parent, that they spoke to her and told her that if she wanted the baby to start bonding with them, then she should allow them to take her now - they weren't honest with her by telling her they were scared she would parent if she took the baby home (and if she had changed her mind, it would have been her right). I just felt that the emom's rights were stepped on - the child was legally hers at that moment and no-one had a right to stop her doing what she planned to do.

Case 2: The emom did decide to parent - however, her family and everyone talked her out of it - the afather proclaimed how thankful he was that they did so. It just came across as a bit venal.

The above are just many of the examples one sees on forums and blogs and facebook. I see pAPs berating emothers for "breaking their contract".

In the end, the best way I think for adoptive parents to decide what is the best thing to do is to say to themselves "do I feel comfortable telling my child this story"?
Also, I suspect a lot rides on how the adoption agency deals with it. A good agency will make sure that both parties know "what's what" and to make sure both parties realise that "It aint over until the fat lady sings" so to speak.

Megan @ Apple House Revival said...

I'm a Christian adoptive mom. My husband I went through FOUR failed matches for four different reasons, before we were matched and our son was placed with us and finalization took place.
We prayed, and we prayed a lot, but we never prayed that any of the birth mother's would follow through with their adoption plan.
We prayed that they would be comforted, and we would be calm. We prayed that what was best for the child would happen. We prayed that we would be guided to support the pbm's in what ever way would be the most helpful to them.
Even though we were crushed each time, I believe our prayers were answered.
I believe that often the words of our prayers do not fully match the desires of our hearts.
I agree with Desha - their prayers didn't have anything to do with her decision. Their prayers were FOR THEM.
Consider that perhaps what they were really praying for is that their will and God's will would be the same, that they would have the strength to face what was before them, no matter what it may be, and that they would find the peace that is so hard to find during one of the most tumultuous and terrifying time in pap's lives.
It's a lot easier to wrap all of those complex feelings up in "please let this all work out" - knowing that God knows what you really mean.

birthMOM said...

jj - i dont want to talk specifics in regards to cases and observations of right or wrong ways to pray abt placement, or examples of humans acting imperfectly and therefore making mistakes. im sure plenty of people pray incorrectly every day about every thing. im certainly one of them, if i pray at all.

the main points i was making are in regards to how to best change behavior, i wasnt saying that behavior/attitude in adopting couples doesnt need to change- PUHLEEZ if you knew me at all, even at the inkling level, youd know this is far from my reality. :)

im ALL FOR teaching couples about the pc terms and attitudes - respect, openness, empowering expectant parents etc, and behaviors to exhibit while in the process of adopting and thereafter, but not in the way or with the shaming attitude that the author of the linked article embraced. so whether or not my personal experience is ok with 'how' the couple prayed, and the spillage over of that to others' experiences in regards to praying, doesnt condone (imo) the authors approach to the topic.

is that aspect clear? if not, then i cant continue a dialogue, because we would be talking about completely different things going fwd.

jj said...

"I'm a Christian adoptive mom. My husband I went through FOUR failed matches for four different reasons, before we were matched and our son was placed with us and finalization took place.
We prayed, and we prayed a lot, but we never prayed that any of the birth mother's would follow through with their adoption plan.
We prayed that they would be comforted, and we would be calm. We prayed that what was best for the child would happen. We prayed that we would be guided to support the pbm's in what ever way would be the most helpful to them.
Even though we were crushed each time, I believe our prayers were answered.
I believe that often the words of our prayers do not fully match the desires of our hearts.
I agree with Desha - their prayers didn't have anything to do with her decision. Their prayers were FOR THEM.
Consider that perhaps what they were really praying for is that their will and God's will would be the same, that they would have the strength to face what was before them, no matter what it may be, and that they would find the peace that is so hard to find during one of the most tumultuous and terrifying time in pap's lives.
It's a lot easier to wrap all of those complex feelings up in "please let this all work out" - knowing that God knows what you really mean."

Megan, I don't think she is addressing people like yourself who are praying "in general". I think I said above that I don't have a problem with that.

I believe that Deanna is specifically addressing the subgroup of those who specifically pray that the emother choses adoption. It does happen and it happens too often.

"the main points i was making are in regards to how to best change behavior, i wasnt saying that behavior/attitude in adopting couples doesnt need to change- PUHLEEZ if you knew me at all, even at the inkling level, youd know this is far from my reality. :) "

My point too was that thinking a certain way can affect one's behaviour. It sounds like we are agreed on that. :) The reason I went into specifics was just to show how their thinking affected their attitude.

One thing I have found after being on forums is that it can be hard to get one's point across. Quite often when one may be referring to a subgroup of a group, the whole group may feel that they are being targetted as well. Perhaps the post would have been better titled "For that subgroup of people who specifically pray for a particular outcome in adopotion, this post is for you (Disclaimer: This post is not intended to offend everyone that prays in general)".

Believe me, I know about disclaimers - after a while though having to constantly put disclaimers like "I love my adoptive parents" on every post gets a bit wearying (because there seems to be some weird assumption that having issues with the adoption industry is due to having had terrible adoptive parents (usually quite the opposite - it is having good adoptive parents that can make one realise that it IS possible for APs to be ethical (disclaimer: many APs are, I am not accusing all APs of being unethical)).

Daughter Left Behind said...

I am ashamed at the lack of respect for one another in this post and some of the comments. All of us first moms lost something precious to us and we all grieve in different ways. Honestly some of your remarks it could be seen as bitter and angry. Respecting others who are on the same path as you but in a different place, further ahead or behind you is what we should all strive for. Not belittling each other. Where is the compassion god talks about?

etropic said...

Desha~ I think you need to post some of the interactions you and I had via Messaging on FB when we first went over this.

I see what she (the author)is saying but I also understand and see what you are saying as well. Not all analogies seem to fit specific situations perfectly. I often use phrases, quotes or analogies that I PERSONALLY seem to think fit a situation. It really is all about perspective. THAT is what I think we all need to keep in mind. Instead of ridiculing and getting personal, take a step outside of your scope and try adding some distance between you & your personal feelings on a topic. I am GUILTY of this many times. Sometimes it takes reading and REREADING something quite a few times before another's perspective is seen. Often times,it will hit you like a lightening bolt. (Desha~ remember our discussion about this regarding me "getting" how crazy I looked when being angry about my own adoption?)

Eliminate your own personal feelings, perspective and pick up on the point the other person is trying to say(even if it is feebly done so)

Allyson Barrett said...

I'm not sure how to contact you privately. I wanted to share my blog. I'm currently pregnant and am going through the adoption process and was wondering if you could add my blog to your sidebar. Thank you :)

bittersweetarticles.blogspot.com

Lindsey from The R House said...

I don't know anything about this article (I chose not to read it when it popped up in my feed) but I did love this line in your post, "i believe we can address the negative in a positive manner." Those are powerful and sunk into my heart. I will do better and be better because of that line.

xo

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