this is the last post of this series. i will publish a post with a direct link to all of the posts in this series later in the month. adoption luvs
Answers from the lovely birthmothers:
Note – not every birthmother has answered every single question, please match the fonts to know whose response you are reading!
if you would like to answers any of the questions please do so in the comment section and be sure to leave the number of the question that is being answered.
Stefanie http://stefaniejinelle.blogspot.com/
Megan http://angryoctopusstudios.blogspot.com/
Anna http://annamaryk.blogspot.com
Jennilee one of our guest bloggers
Amanda http://travisandamandarosemans.blogspot.com/
Nicole http://lifeafterfirstmom.blogspot.com/
Kelsey http://thebestforyoubook.blogspot.com/
Shannon
Michelle
Heather one of our guest bloggers
Andee http://anabananandee.blogspot.com/
Britney
Janessa http://janessasjourney.blogspot.com/
Jennifer
Shanna
questions for birthmothers from other birthmothers (1-17): see previous posts!
questions for birthmothers from adoptive couples (A-G):
E. Did you get professional photos with your birth child?
Did the adoptive couple pay for it?
I
did, I got photos taken at Kiddie Kandids, and no the Acouple didn’t pay for
them, but they also didn’t know we’d taken them until we had given them
copies. It was a great idea and I would have loved it if the couple had
offer to pay for them.
I did get professional pictures taken. They adoptive
couple did not pay for it. My mom did. I expressed that I wanted some and my
adoptive family was totally cool with it. I had a picture taken of me and the
adoptive mom kissing Olivia on each cheek. It means so much to me. I wanted
professional pictures taken so I can put them in frames and things. I hope to
get more as she grows up.
I did
get professional photos done with my birthdaughter before placement, but my mom
paid for it. It was just something we wanted to do to remember her, etc. We’ve
done that with every child I’ve had since, too, although my husband has paid
for those…
Before
I placed I took my son to kiddie kandids for professional pictures. I took some
of just him and then a couple with me and him. I paid for it and made a CD for
the couple. On my first visit with my son the couple, child and I all took
professional pictures together and we both paid for what we wanted. They
usually take professional pictures every year and send me some and they pay.
**I went
off to school right after placement, but I carry a camera around each visit,
and the adoptive couple are more than happy to take pictures
No
professional pictures, just Kodak moments that are very private
I did and I paid, it
was my idea- and want to do more in the future
No
I didnt. Wish I could have. I think they should.
No. That is something I have always thought would be really cool, but it’s not something I’m going to ask for. I think it would have been great to have them at the hospital, but none of us really thought about it. So I’m bummed that we didn’t do it, but I’m okay with it.
I
didn’t… and I really wish I’d hired someone to come in for a bit while we were
in the hospital. I wouldn’t have expected the APs to pay for it (unless they
were the ones requesting it), but it could be a really sweet gift.
no
I did not get professional photos. I believe this is something the
birthmother should pay for.
F. I am not sure if on the first meeting if I should
bring a gift. Wouldn't giving a gift the first time we meet make her feel like
she has to pick us? Like pressure? What are acceptable first time meeting
gifts?
YES,
bring a gift! It’s the least you can do. I got flowers and a
precious moments angel statue (they said because I was their “Angel”, awe),
such a great idea! I would not come empty handed, after all they are giving you
a child and worst case scenario they could change their mind about you. She has
already picked you at this point usually, and yes it would help to motivate her
to pick you, not pressure her.
The weird thing was that I knew my adoptive couple
before. I knew them since I was 14. I found out when I was 3 months pregnant
that they were looking to adopt. And I had no idea what I was doing at the time
but I was trying my hardest to keep. So I have no idea about giving gifts the
first time you meet. I think an ipod is a very good first gift, come on, we're
giving you a baby! hahaha. I'm TOTALLY joking. If I was picking between two
couples and one gave me a gift and the other one didn't, I'd totally choose the
one that gave me a gift because it stood out to me and it made me feel like
they were looking out for me, not just because they want my baby.
Mine brought me some
flowers their older son had picked in a little bud vase, and some cookies on a
cake plate. (Their family has a tradition of baking cookies
every sunday and they used the cookies as an oppurtunity to tell me a
little more about themselves.) I still have the bud vase and the cake plate
(and the cooke recipe!). I didn't feel like there was any pressure. I assumed
that they knew as well as I did that nothing was ever certain. Don't bring
something extravagant, if you feel like you should bring something, but
something small would definitely be okay.
The
first time I met my daughter’s family, they gave me a little basket with some
bath salts and some yummy-smelling soaps. I really think it’s a great gesture.
Not required, certainly, but it shows a certain amount of class. It also makes
the birthmom feel really special, but not pressured.
I
had already announced and choose my couple on our first meeting. They did bring
me a gift. They gave me a flower, scrapbook and a gift certificate to a salon.
We met a day before my birthday so part of it was a birthday present not “first
meeting” I think if you don’t know them well flowers are good, also a
scrapbook. Something not too personal or expensive on the first meeting is what
I would suggest especially if they haven’t chosen a couple yet. Now if you were
chosen before and you have been able to correspond a little then you may have
some ideas for a more personal gift like maybe a CD of one of their favorite
artist, jewelry etc.
**As long
as you don't give her fancy gifts, keep it simple I'm sure she won't feel
pressure, just sppreciated that she knows you're greatful for her thinking
about you as her couple. I'm not sure about before placement, but after many
couples give their birth moms' necklaces with the birth stone of the baby on
it, or do matching gifts (like best friend charms, etc)
I
don’t think I would feel comfortable receiving a gift on a first meeting. I think a gift would be appropriate
later once the couple was chosen.
I
would not bring a gift. I do not think a gift is necessary. Just bring
yourselves and be yourselves. Should she choose you, then a gift might be
appropriate if you feel compelled to give her one. You have enough to think
about, no need to get nervous about gifts.
A gift is great and
they gave me a cross (Arizona style- they are from Phoenix) for my bedroom wall
on our first meeting and it showed me they cared, they also bought me maternity
clothes when we did match and I think that was awesome
It
depends on the person if theyd feel they had to pick u. I didnt get n e thing.
Whats acceptable? I have no clue...id guess something small and inexpensive. Flowers. A card. Stuffed animal. Journal. Im not really sure. I would avoid religious things.
Whats acceptable? I have no clue...id guess something small and inexpensive. Flowers. A card. Stuffed animal. Journal. Im not really sure. I would avoid religious things.
The first time I met my adoptive couple, they brought me a bouquet of flowers. I think that’s perfect. I didn’t think that was pressure to pick them at all. I just thought it was very thoughtful.
At
the first meeting, the only thing the PAPs brought me was some additional
pictures. (I don’t think they actually intended to send them home with
me… but I brought sonogram copies for them, so they did) If you do decide
to bring something, I would keep it VERY small. One thing that might be
kind of cool is one of those (inexpensive) frames that they make specifically
for sonogram pictures… then it’s a pregnancy-related gift rather than an
adoption-related one. Definitely nothing big or super emotionally heavy!
I
would have felt uncomfortable receiving a gift on the first meeting.
If I didn't select those parents, I would have felt the burden to return the
gift.
Or
if I did select them as the adoptive parents, I would have felt the need
to return the gesture with a gift.
G. We have an idea of what we want to do on the day we
bring the baby home for our birth mother. We are having so much fun putting a
basket together of very thoughtful and loving gifts. Are there any you suggest?
Pampering
gifts, cause she’s gonna need it. Sentimental gifts that will help remind
her of YOUR love for her and her bchilds love for her.
I think that's so cute! I would put in there a stuffed
animal and also give the baby a stuffed animal just like it so she feels like
they share something. My couple gave me a stuffed animal that Olivia has and I
sleep with it every night and pretend it's her. Or that she's sleeping with
hers as well.
My adoptive couple gave
me an empty scrapbook and some extra page protectors, and sent flowers to the
hospital. (I did not want them to come to the hospital - that was my own time
with my son.) Something they did for both me and their other son's birthmom
that I thought was kind of neat: they bought two teddy bears that looked
exactly alike, but one was smaller than the other. They gave me the bigger one,
and kept the smaller one. Every month, they take a picture of him with the
teddy bear so I can see how he's growing.
Movie
tickets, gift certificates so she can go pamper herself or splurge on a new
pair of jeans or something like that… I know I would have loved those things!
Her
favorite candies, some good books, music, anything you know she likes that she
can feel like she has a special place in your heart.
Anything
that would be pampering because she will needs lots of that! Hot cocoa if it’s winter time, a book,
journal, gift certificate to a salon, picture frame for baby’s picture to
go
in, a photo album with the promise of sending photos to fill it up, something
to cuddle like a stuffed animal or throw pillow that has a special message on
it, something that she could have that is same as baby or worn by baby like if
it’s a girl take a picture of her with a baby’s ring on and then send to bm to
wear on a chain.
The
best gift that you can give your birth mother will be keeping in touch with her
through the years. Always let her know that you support her, always let her
know how her baby is growing and doing, and always tell her baby just how brave
she was and how much she truly loves her/him.
Gift
certificates-food, house cleaning service, clothes, place that does hair, etc.
Depends on her likes-bath stuff. Scrapbook n stuff to make an album for the
baby. Something u all can share. If a girl bracelets/lockets for the moms n
baby. A letter from u.
My
adoptive couple put things in the basket that were “symbolic” to our
relationship if that makes sense. Like, we played games almost every
week, so they put a game in there. They put sour patch kids in it because
we all loved them and ate them all of the time, they put lip gloss in there
that the adoptive mom had and that I loved, and things like that. They
also gave me a gift certificate for a pedicure and a stuffed monkey that was
identical to the one my little girl had. That way we both would think of
each other when we saw it. They also put a letter in the basket
that I will cherish forever and a book called “no one can take your
place”. There were so many things in that basket and they all meant SOO
much to me.
I’ve heard of couples
getting matching stuffed animals- one for the child and one for the birthmom…
any kind of pampering things (although maybe not bath salts/oils/etc as she may
not be able to use them for awhile). Soothing scents like
lavender/vanilla/chamomile. A gift certificate to get hospital photos
developed. Baked goods (my son’s mom brought me blondies in the
hospital. Very sweet.) A nice journal/stationery for her to write
to your child. Spearmint tea or altoids (helps minimize lactation…
obviously don’t include this if she’s planning to pump for the baby! If
she IS planning to pump… mother’s milk tea, motherlove’s More Milk tincture or
capsules and lanolin or olive oil!) Favorite snack foods.
The
only thing that I kept was a locket that they gave me and a duplicate teddy
bear. I have one and she has one. They have sent me pictures where
she is sitting by the bear. It is nice to have the picture and hug the
bear. Sounds funny, but it helps.
