Sunday, February 19, 2012

what motivates you?

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i read this article today about motivation, and it struck me, but not in a 'need to go to the gym', or 'get more organized' type of way. it struck me on a deeper, more philosophical level. (maybe cuz being in naturopathic dr school forces you to see everything from a whole picture perspective!? lol) 

**** this where you go read the article before continuing on ****

i particularly like the paragraph that addresses negative vs positive imprints. so of course i thought of adoption. there isnt much middle ground in adoption when it comes to sharing opinions and experiences, esp in bloggy land.  it seems to be a love/hate relationship with a few scattered voices in between. i love the reference to the neurology and survival mechanisms. (lets get serious for 1 quick sec, any level of involvement in adoption requires massive survival mechanisms!)

so i ask you, fellow birthmom blog readers and writers ....
what motivates you to share your adoption experience(s) in the way that you do? is it negative or a positive fuel that lights your adoption fire? 

what motivates you to remember the things that you choose to remember from the pregnancy, birth, placement, and the here after? 

the article closes with: "Motivation therefore, is not something we should rely on for long-term high performance..... self-awareness and self-regulation, are much better for longer term sustainability ..."

it also ends with a challenge: This week, take a measure of times in the day or week that you feel very motivated. Do a quick self assessment/scan of your thoughts and body. Gauge how long this state lasts for you, and what caused it. 

I think we could all benefit from taking this idea to heart in how we choose to remember, talk about and share our adoption experiences in the public realm, and also how we interpret other voices in the adoption world. self awareness and self regulation are much needed in adoption bloggy land, esp if you want anyone to take to heart what it is youre trying to say/share with the world!  

if we are motivated by negative, maybe its time to focus on the other 9 things [out of the total 10] that were actually positive for a bit. 
if we are motivated by the 9 positive things maybe we need to acknowledge and embrace that 1 bad thing, scary as it may have been, to fully accept our experience. 

of course no ones perfect, and of course no 2 birth mothers experiences are EVER the same, and of course no one is ever wrong to simply share their experience. but i believe that when we step back, and look at our motivations, we might be a little surprised, and hopefully will make some changes for the better, in how we blog and in all areas of our lives. 
~adoption luvs


Susie said...

You ask if it's negative or positive fuel that lights my adoption fire... It's neither really. I write about the truth of adoption in my life.

You also ask what motivates me to remember the things that "YOU CHOOSE" to remember... I don't "choose" to remember certain things over the other. Positive over negative or vice-versa. Again, my answer is that I write about the TRUTH of adoption loss in my life.

You write "the 9 of the 10 things that were actually positive". Are you saying here that anyone who blogs about the "negative" in adoption needs to focus on the positive? Are you trying to negate the opinions of those who don't have a happy adoption story to tell? Are you saying that out of 10 things to be said about adoption, only one of them is negative?

My "adoption story" is actually a great one. My son did get great parents, has a great life, is fully supported in his growing relationship with me. That doesn't negate the extreme loss that I have lived with every single day of the last 32+ years. It doesn't negate my son's losses from adoption. It doesn't negate the fact that I was "less than" for the children I went on to raise because of the damage losing a son to adoption caused.

My only motivation for blogging about my life as a mother living with adoption loss is to tell my truth of how adoption has effected every single aspect of my life. I want to be a voice for a mother considering adoption that I didn't have when I was making the "choice" for adoption. Adoption is built on loss, for the entire natural family and the child. No matter how good the adoption could go on to be ~ the relinquishment had to happen first. And THAT cannot be made "happy" or "positive". I want to let the mothers considering adoption today know that they are already a mother. Choosing adoption won't take that away. They will be a mother without her child. There is no such thing as going on with your life as before. For your life is forever changed by becoming a mother. I want to let them know that adoption will effect the children they may already be raising as well as the children she may go on to raise in the future. I want to let them know that secondary infertility is MUCH higher in mothers of adoption loss.

Those things are just some of the reasons why I blog.

birthMOM said...

susie, i was referring to specific quotes in the motivation article regarding choices- negative, and positive imprints on the brain based on experience and memory. the ex in the article was that if 9 happy/good things happened yesterday and 1 bad/unhappy thing happened yesterday, the thing you talk about today is the 1 negative thing, because a negative imprint is much stronger on the brain than a positive one. did you read the article before asking me these redundant questions?

my post is [obviously] metaphorical and philosophical, not literal. (as stated in the very beginning!)

on a side note, i disagree that "...the relinquishment had to happen first. And THAT cannot be made "happy" or "positive"." i disagree because i have a different motivation than you do, as described in the article.

i do however absolutely agree that "... that they are already a mother. Choosing adoption won't take that away." AMEN!

thank you for sharing your truths as you choose to remember and experience them, so that others may learn/grow/and feel support from your story.
adoption luvs

etropic said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
etropic said...

Well this article explains very well why I am still sitting on my fat azz and not working out..lol Sorry I couldn't help my self..

Let me preface what I am about to say with this: I can not and have never claimed to speak for anyone else but myself. I would never expect anyone to read what I write and consider it fact or truth. Each of us has our own when it comes to those. I would hope those who read my blog understand this. Moving forward..

In the beginning my reasons for blogging, were some what selfish. I wrote as a healing process for myself; to share my experiences thus far & as a way to reach out to others in an effort to connect with those similar to myself. I was hoping to find some camaraderie in order to feel less alone and less isolated.(That's how I came to know Desha :-)

Then there were, and (still) are the times when I am frustrated and need to vent. I don't even care if anyone reads what I write or hears what I have to say. (Unless I come under fire for saying how I feel or if someone misinterprets what I have written. Even then, I take that criticism and go back and try to improve upon what I have written, sometimes rewriting posts so that my thoughts become clearer.) If and when I get feedback, it is reassuring to me to knowing that I am not alone in having the feelings I do; whether they be negative or positive.

In recent years, I simply write, in order to get it out of my head and quit mulling issues over. I write so that I can think clearly and hopefully get rid of the negativity. There is something cathartic for me in typing. It's like all of my frustrations are taken out on the keyboard instead of being built up inside of me. For me, I find great satisfaction in having a end product afterwards as well. Internalization of emotions is WAY worse and as we all know, can and does have a huge affect on ones health. I have enough problems to worry about without making myself sick with stress.

Now days, most of the time when I write, it is rather spontaneous; it's when I read something that strikes me as important to blog about or an example of what I've written about before. I often feel guilty for not writing enough but there are times when I simply can't get anything out, let alone in a coherent manner. For that reason alone, I feel it is best to wait and NOT write. Right now, I have at least 25 drafts that need to be finished. They probably won't get written though as my passion at that moment, seems lost. If I don't sit and type straight through, I forget my point and get lost in the emotions at that moment. The post titled "I surrender All" is one that I sat and typed for 2 hours straight without any corrections at all. I was if the words leapt right out of my head as if I were speaking them, and onto the page. Sometimes I wonder if it ever came from me at all. I had such peace after writing it as well.

Odd as it sounds sometimes I feel like the universe or whatever, is telling me I NEED to write. For instance, last week it seemed no matter where I turned, there was some sort of adoption ladled issue staring me down, waiting for my response. Some issues really pissed me off and I was tempted to "go off", while others made me roll my eyes and mentally say "WTF ever", and ignore it. I guess that's why this post hits home with me. I'm trying not to be so "adoption obsessed". I'm trying to wrangle in my anger and the need to express my opinion about everything adoption related that comes into my line of sight. Everyone has opinions, but not every opinion needs to be shared. I'm trying to not take every adoption related issue I see and make it personal..even with my own adoption. It's a tall task to undertake so it is a work in progress to say the least.

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