I have come to grips with my adoption; I would never change anything, now three and a half years through it, but there are times that I still struggle. The other day I saw my little guy's birth father and it put knots in my stomach. Now that I'm married and starting my own family, part of me feels that it shouldn't bother me, but it really does. He looked at me, or more likely stared me down, and I suddenly felt a lot of shame. I was standing there with the man I have committed my life to and there was someone else there that knew me before I had had a child. Someone that I would have to say was my 'first love'. Someone that I still felt some emotion towards. My emotion isn't really anger against him and the choices he made. It was hurt for my husband because I felt that in some way I had betrayed him before I even knew him. I felt him tense, watched his face darken, and his arm grip my sides closer. Should I be flattered by this protective behavior or nervous that he doesn't trust me? How would any of you (or have any of you) responded to this?
It's a really small community and since we have moved here, we keep bumping in to him. At first I thought it was coincidence but it kept happening more and more frequently, from him applying for work where my husband works, to him hanging out with people that live in the same apartment complex we live and standing right near our door. My emotions are out of control. Have any of you ever worried about the birth father coming back in to your life? Or making things miserable for you later?
I'm sorry that this post inspirational or thought provoking. ~shanna
One Little Word 2017
2 months ago