Friday, July 8, 2011

I have come to grips with my adoption; I would never change anything, now three and a half years through it, but there are times that I still struggle. The other day I saw my little guy's birth father and it put knots in my stomach. Now that I'm married and starting my own family, part of me feels that it shouldn't bother me, but it really does. He looked at me, or more likely stared me down, and I suddenly felt a lot of shame. I was standing there with the man I have committed my life to and there was someone else there that knew me before I had had a child. Someone that I would have to say was my 'first love'. Someone that I still felt some emotion towards. My emotion isn't really anger against him and the choices he made. It was hurt for my husband because I felt that in some way I had betrayed him before I even knew him. I felt him tense, watched his face darken, and his arm grip my sides closer. Should I be flattered by this protective behavior or nervous that he doesn't trust me? How would any of you (or have any of you) responded to this?

It's a really small community and since we have moved here, we keep bumping in to him. At first I thought it was coincidence but it kept happening more and more frequently, from him applying for work where my husband works, to him hanging out with people that live in the same apartment complex we live and standing right near our door. My emotions are out of control. Have any of you ever worried about the birth father coming back in to your life? Or making things miserable for you later?

I'm sorry that this post inspirational or thought provoking. ~shanna


k said...

So... I am not concerned about the birthfather coming back into my life, because I know he respects me enough to NOT do that. But I understand completely the emotions you felt for your husband. My soon-to-be fiance and I have had MANY talks about my unwise choices, and it brings him to tears every time to know that I've been with other guys. It's hard to explain, but it does feel like a betrayal to him for the person that I was. I guess if I could have always felt worthy of having a husband as amazing as he is and would have actually thought about that when I was a teenager, things would have been different. It's tough though...
I ran into the birthfather for the first time in nearly two years in April, and it was one of the worst experiences I could have ever imagined. He then sent me a message on Facebook for the first time in 2 years, in response to a post I put on my blog about our encounter. My boy knows my FB password, so he read the message. I wasn't hiding it, but I also didn't tell him about it. That led to more talks about how much he really trusts me. Seeing his reaction to that, I can only imagine his reaction to actually meeting the birthfather. It wouldn't be pretty. I have no idea how your husband is handling it. He must really love you.
I see nothing wrong with hurting when you see your husband hurt by your past actions. Just don't let it control your life. Remember that you're a different person now, and no matter what happens, you're stronger than you were. If your crazy ex continues to intrude on your life, maybe you need to say something. I don't know- that's a choice to be made by you. But no matter what, don't let it drive a wedge between you and your husband. You're not the same girl you were-- I don't even know you, but I know that!

Emily K. said...

Personally I don't like the thought of him we still have some mutual friends (my birthdaughters father and I) and yet when I hear that he's doing so well with his new job and his new little girl, I can't help but think it should be me, and I get angry. I get where your coming from and understand how you could wonder if he is just being protective or if he is jealous, but the only thing I can think thy he might be feeling is a fear of I could have been in his spot, I'm so glad I did the right thing and married that girl so she's mine . I know he loves you and I know that time makes it easier and harder all the same, there's always gonna be those days...

Britney O'Connor said...

I am scared every time I come to Utah that I will run into my daughter's birth father. Chances are slim (luckily he's still in jail right now)- but I'd just hope I wasn't alone if it did happen.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this!

The Norlie Family said...

I don't think I've ever posted on here, but I saw this and thought I would add my thoughts.

It's been at least three years maybe it's four since I last saw my birth daughter's birth father. It was an interesting experience. Our birth daughter was probably three at the time. He's not a bad guy. I think given our circumstances we both did the best we could.

I think about him occasionally. I know he visited our birth daughter on her birthday last year. That made me very angry with him. Not angry that he did it but angry that I couldn't.

My husband doesn't like the birth father and he's never met him. So my guess is it's probably a good thing we live on opposite ends of the country. I can only imagine how incredibly uncomfortable it would be to be in the same room with both my husband and the other guy.

I guess all in all I can say that the last time I saw the Birth Father it really solidified the feeling that I had in fact made the right choice all along.

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