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Monday, November 1, 2010

guest blogger: Jessi's Story!

Happy National Adoption Month!! This post starts out our post a day during this month! If you want to participate send your story to birthmothers4adopion@gmail.com!

I'm not usually a very nostalgic person, but I can't help but remember where I was exactly one year ago. I was 18 years old and a few months into my freshman year at USU. I was so excited to be out on my own, making my own rules, and shaping my own life. I never would have imagined how the decisions I was making then have led me to where I am now. In 12 months I have grown up roughly 6 years, found direction in my life, met some amazing people, and gone through one of the hardest things I will ever go through. Placing my son for adoption.
I met his birthfather though a friend that we both worked for. He produces concerts and we were both selling tickets at the door for a show. We flirted a little bit and after the show he got my number. We started dating and I fell really hard for him really fast. In retrospect I realize that I didn't really know anything about him and that my actions were that of a very young, naive girl. One night I stayed over at his house way to late and things happened. I was horrified and devastated. I am a member of the LDS church and I had standards that I had broken. I immediately regretted the position I had put myself in and wanted to make it better as soon as possible. I was so afraid of how disappointed my mom would be that I didn't want to tell her. I went to my aunt (who is a birthmom) and she was able to comfort me a little. She asked me what the chances were that I could be pregnant. It wasn't the first time the thought had crossed my mind but it was then that I did the math and realized that I probably couldn't have picked a worse day to mess up. I texted the birthfather and he told me he would buy me a pill (Plan B) that would make it so I didn't get pregnant. Right after he bought it I went over to his house and, after making sure it wouldn't harm the baby if I was already pregnant, I took it. He relaxed. I didn't.
The next day I went and talked to my bishop and started the repentance process. The birthfather did the same. I eventually came to find out that he had had many problems with morality before, as well as drugs and alcohol that he had never dealt with. I was shocked, but felt like after being that close with him I couldn't just dump him. We needed to work this out together.
The next 10 days were a living hell. Every time I would go to sleep I would have horrible, graphic nightmares that would wake me up screaming and crying every hour until I was to scared to sleep any more. Everything I ate made me sick so I didn't really eat either. I lost almost 8 pounds in that short time. I also quit going to class and my grades started dropping. I was coming up on when my period should start but I somehow knew it wasn't going to. I went over to the birthfathers house crying and told him that I thought I was pregnant. He told me that you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex, and that I had taken the pill so now there was absolutely no chance. It was just stress that was making me all crazy but he said he would get me a pregnancy test just to calm my nerves. As an after thought he asked me how sure I was that I was pregnant. I told him I was 78% sure. The next morning he came over to my apartment and we both skipped class to see the result. Apparently the test was only 78% sure also because it had only the slightest hint of a pink line next to the red one. We agreed that we needed to have a real answer now. So, after chugging a few bottles of water we drove over to planned parenthood. When the lady told me it was positive I remember going into complete shock. I walked out and told the birthfather that it was ok, it was going to be alright. Trying to convince myself as well as him.
The next two weeks were a blur. My parents found out soon after I did and we had a hard time getting along for a while. They were devastated as they knew probably better than I did what I was going to have to go through the next 9 months. The birthfather swore that he would take care of things. I got an appointment with LDS Family Services. Two weeks after we found out I was pregnant, the birthfather told me his bishop didn't want him to be with me anymore. I was crushed but agreed not to see him anymore. He said he would still take care of things from a distance and I planned on letting him know how things went after appointments and stuff.
I had my first doctors appointment a few weeks later. I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time and saw him on the ultrasound. I cried because I had had a bad feeling that I had miscarried. I texted the birthfather that night saying that everything was fine, the baby was healthy and so was I. I assumed he was just as concerned as I was. He told me that his bishop didn't want him to have contact with me at all anymore, and that if I felt there was something I needed to tell him to tell my bishop who would tell his bishop who would tell him. I couldn't believe it. I finally found out later that he had told his bishop that he had never had feelings for me, other than physical attraction. Ouch. I didn't hear from him the rest of my pregnancy.
I started looking for an adoptive family when I was three months along. I wanted a really open adoption, where I would still be able to see him and they would just sort of be an extension on our family. I started looking really close to where I live, but as none of the families seemed right and the packets I was looking at got farther away I started getting depressed. I prayed about each couple and always received a very clear No.
I started emailing Leslie and Jeremy and was sure I had found the right couple. They were perfect, everything I wanted. They were relatively close, fun, open, and basically all around amazing. They have a beautiful, sweet daughter who is so ready to be a big sister. They came up for a face to face, and even though everything seemed perfect, I just didn't feel like it was right. I was so frustrated and prayed constantly for a confirmation that they were right. One day I was chatting with Leslie and told her how I was feeling. She amazed me with saying that she had been feeling the same way. Even though it was so hard for her, she gave me a few names of her friends who were hoping to adopt. Jeremy and Leslie are the greatest examples of faith that I know, and they are still hoping to adopt. The first couple on the list I didn't even want to look at because they lived out of state and I wanted to be close to the family that I chose. I looked at the rest of the names Leslie gave me and was disappointed when I still didn't feel anything with them. I decided to look up the first couple just for kicks and giggles. I emailed them once and then prayed about them. I immediately felt overwhelming peace and relief wash over me. Yes! Finally I had an answer. Two days after I found my couple (J & R), my best friend left on his mission. Most of my friends from high school had proven to be not so great of friends so when he left it was really hard. Luckily I had an amazing family to be my support.
I announced to J&R the week before finals. They drove to Logan and I surprised them by decorating a room with "It's a Boy!" stuff. They were so happy and excited! After finals were over I flew out to stay with them for a few days and meet their family. I was 34 weeks pregnant at the time. It had taken me four months to find the right couple. The next four weeks passed quickly and I still didn't feel ready when I went into labor. I loved everything about being pregnant. I couldn't get enough of feeling him kick and singing to him in the car rides to and from school and work. People say I had a fast and easy delivery (It didn't feel fast or easy to me). I was in labor for 6 1/2 hours and pushed for 20 minutes. I had my precious baby at 5:00 in the morning on June 19th, 2010. I spent my birthday the next day in the hospital and on the 21st I placed him in his mothers arms.
I came home that night and cried until I was sick. It was so wrong that I was there by myself, that he wasn't with me. My grandpa came over and gave me an amazing blessing that really helped with the pain. I saw my little boy a few more times before he went back home with his family.
Two days ago I was able to see him again when his family came to visit. It was so amazing to think about where I was a few short months ago, and where I am now. I got to see how much his parents and brother love him and how right it is that he is in their family. He has grown so much in 4 months. Now he is a beautiful chubby baby with bright blue eyes that never stops smiling and giggling. Placing him is the hardest thing I have ever done, and hopefully will ever do. I have come to realize that only the strongest, bravest, most selfless people can place for adoption. Somebody told me after hearing that I was a birthmother, "I can't believe you could do it. It seems like it would be impossible." I thought for a second and then told him that it was. It was impossible, but somehow I did it. I've also been told by some people who don't really understand adoption that what I did was selfish and irresponsible. I must not really have loved my kid if I could just give him away to complete strangers. It's because of love that adoption is possible. It is an amazing thing.

5 comments:

Leslie said...

I love you Jessi! You're amazing! :)

Nikki said...

I love you more then words could ever describe. It WAS impossible but you did it! C is so lucky to have so many people love him so much. You are amazing and so are all the other wonderful girls on Jessa's site. I admire you all! Love you Jessi - Mom

StefanieJinelle said...

I think it's interesting cause the first part of the story was almost like reading mine. The birthfather went to his bishop and his bishop said we shouldn't have contact. Then he told me he didn't have feelings for me at all. I know how you feel girl. You're amazing :)

k said...

Maybe that's a common response for birthfathers, because that's exactly what mine did too! Only his Branch Pres told us we should either get married or stop seeing each other. I understand that it eliminates the temptation, but isn't there also some responsibility?? Just my opinion :) You're awesome Jessi!!

Madisen Crapo said...

That first part reminded me of me :) I moved up to utah state, got preggo on thanksgiving break at 18, gave birth at 19 :) if you still live up here the support group at ldsfs is awesome :) every wed 4-6

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