Hey guys! Sorry it has been so long!! I was asked the other day by someone through email how to handle dating after placement. This is a great topic for external comments and opinions!!! I know that I prefer to tell people right up front by like the second date! Some people wait till they are engaged. I want to know what people's thoughts are on how to handle it!! I will post them!
How long do you wait to tell them?
How do you tell them?
What do you do if handle it wrong??
5 comments:
I'm so glad you asked this question. I'm married now but when I was dating after placement it is so hard to bring up adoption. You don't know how the guy will react. I dated a lot and it really depeneded on where i was and how I felt with grief if I opened up. Some guys I told fast others I waited to we dated for awhile. It was hard to keep it quiet too long because I had pictures hung in my house and a bookshelf that was sort of full of baby memories. I don't remember how I told a lot of them. I showed some pictures, my scrapbook. Some were very understanding others were not. I would not get serious with someone if they didn't understand. I need the support of someone I love/care about. I wish I would have told my husband better. We worked together and a few people at work knew about my son so one day we were talking on the phone i just basically blurted out that I had a son I placed then later filled him in more. I hope this helps. My advise is to only be open about if it you feel comfortable. You don't need to tell everyone you date. I personally think it's better to be in a relationship before telling them because it's such a special experience to me and I don't just want anyone to know and judge me without knowing me or the whole story. I hope that makes sense.
I went on a blind date 4 months after I gave my birthdaughter up for adoption. I laid everything out on the table the first night I met him. I didn't want to hide anything from him. I wanted him to know about my life the first time we met because it is only fair for the both of us. He was very caring about the subject and he told me that he looked up to me for making such a hard decision. He has a little girl that lives full time with him. Well to make a long story short, we have been together now 4 years and we just got married this past July. My advice is to be very open at the beginning if you think that the relationship is going to go anywhere. Don't hide anything from him, because you don't want to lose someone who is really cares about you!! If he doesn't accept it, he doesn't really care about you in the first place!!
I was from a small area and everyone already knew that I had placed my baby for adoption, but I kind of in a way liked it that way. It helped open up my view of what kind of guys would date me (and surprisingly the guys who seem only out for "one thing" normally stayed away from me because I'd had a kid and aparently wasn't fun to be around anymore) and it helped me see what guys were willing to get to know me for a person.
Thanks for this blog post...I recently posted a blog post about this exact topic on my own birthmom blog.
Check it out here!
Dating After Baby:
http://amstel-life.blogspot.com/2009/09/dating-after-baby.html
Thanks for opening up and for creating such a wonderful blog for birthmothers!
Amy Hutton, birthmom to Deanna Marie
Honesty is always the best policy. I told my husband after I KNEW that there was a connection that might be heading for marriage or something serious (it was on about date 2 or 3). I don't think its necessary to tell some random dude something so personal unless you thought there was something there. I would not wait until engagement, that's unfair.
My husband was very accepting, loving and caring when I told him...you can bet that if he wasn't I wouldn't have married him, and I am fortunate to still have that same love and support now. I know TOO many woman who have husbands who are jerks about their adoption and it makes their lives miserable. It's best to clear the air before things get too serious, its only fair, I mean after all you would want them to tell you something that important too, right?
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