Sunday, October 25, 2009


**** blog manager here. im pleased to say that this situation from oct 2009 has changed for the better. in short, the birthmother involved in this open adoption is now receiving updates! 

unfortunately, it has come to pass that there are some people in the anonymous realm of the internet who think they know who and what this situation involved. they are completely and absolutely wrong. the people who were involved are not the same ones the anonnomous  commenter thought they were. anon's snide remarks and blatant slander in the comments section has forced me to shut down the comment thread. 

at this time, im not going to delete this post, because i personally feel that the situation described below is all too often the norm in the open adoption world and that is WRONG. i think that if there are birthmothers looking for support because of a similar experience, then a post such as this is exactly what they are looking for. 

i think that adoptive couples need to be wary about what open adoption means and a post such as this is exactly why. we can all learn from this birthmothers sorrow and hopefully encourage all involved in the adoption triad to be honest and communicate with each other, thats the only way open adoption works! 

thank you to those who shared your thoughts back when this post was originally written. 
adoption luvs, birthMOM ****

Hey guys! This is a matter that is near and dear to my heart and I would absolutely love and ASK for comments and opinions. My very good friend placed her baby for adoption a little less then a year ago. This friend of mine struggled for a very long time to decide whether or not she should place. About two days before she actually had her baby she chose a couple and decided to place with them. She was promised an open adoption. That she could come and see the baby whenever she wanted. That she would get to come to holidays. This is exactly what she needed to hear, it was what she wanted in a couple if she were to choose to place. So here we sit just a few months later and she is now torn to pieces. This adoptive couple does not understand that placing a baby is the most difficult thing to do. We as birthmothers are allowed to hurt and struggle with the fact that we had a baby for nine months and a few days and we no longer have that baby. Obviously we wanted that baby to have a good home or we would not have entrusted you to care for that child for time and all eternity.  So today my friend calls me and lets me know that this couple has gone so far as to say that they do not want her to even give presents for the baby. Now I understand boundaries but in my opinion this is going too far. I cannot even understand the pain an adoptive couple feels when they are going through fertility issues and I never will. My heart goes out to that pain.  I am not saying we as birthmothers should get all the attention. But I also cannot believe that someone who received a child to counteract any fertility issues they were having, someone who recieves another member in their family for time and all eternity could not have anything but thanks and gratitude for the one who made it possible....I understand wanting to cut down visits...but to go this far....it hurts me.  If you believe in Christ at all, or in becoming christlike, you would never treat someone this way at all let alone the person who made this child possible.  Now I ask any of you who read this blog....what can she do? What can my friend who struggled with the choice of whether or not to place already enough as it is, do to calm herself? What can she do with the couple? Please help me give her some good advice. 


Cami said...

I would recommend talking to a case worker. A case worker could be a valueable mediator between the birthmom and the couple.

Or possibly write a letter explaining why she chose adoption, and why she would love more contact, be able to give gifts, extra.

Prayer can be a big helper in either helping to work out this, or if it can;t be worked out now, coming to peace with it.

I hope things work out, and contact becomes better!
Your friend is in my prayers.

Helen said...

I agree that a case worker can help. When my daughter's birth mother first wanted to visit her, just weeks after placement, my case worker helped me understand why it was a good idea. We all really enjoyed the visit and it helped me feel comfortable with an ongoing open relationship with her. We love her so much! A case worker may also have some ideas of what she can do to help the couple feel more comfortable. Good luck to her!

RAL said...

This really really upsets me. This is something my husband and I never have understood. We have been trying to adopt over the past year and have felt so strongly about open adoption. But have felt more strongly how important it is to be upfront and honest about our expectations. It breaks my heart into a million pieces to know that there are couples out there who have been through the heart ache of infertility and choose to show anything but gratitude for the one who gave them what they longed for so much.

My suggestion is this. I think you worded things so perfectly on here in explaining your feelings about the situation. Maybe your friend could sit down and write her feelings out in a letter. Explain to them how hard it was for her to make the decision to place her little one for adoption in the first place and that she felt so much comfort in the promises they made her to keep the adoption open. Remind them (in a very peaceful way) of the promises they did make to her. Explain that your wish is to have them keep the commitment they made before the baby was born.

I honestly hope she can get through to them some how. It really breaks my heart that this is something she is having to deal with :( Hugs and lots of love go out to her!

Tracey said...

I too think she should go back to the caseworker and work through the agency. It is very sad. She will be in my prayers.

Katie BQ said...

Good advice so far, I would just ditto what's been said. This makes me so sad! It's exactly the kind of situation that inspired this post: http://viveinpraesentia.blogspot.com/2009/09/trust.html

Sean and Sierra said...

Talk to the care worker. My own case worker told me of a time that the adoptive couple did not follow through with their promises to the birth mother and my case worker told them that if they didn't do what they'd promised the birth mom, they would never adopt again. Adoptive couples and birth parents need adovacates and I believe the care worker can be one both.

Tell your friend to pray. Ask Heavenly Father for strength from the Spirit. Maybe get a priesthood blessing. She needs to grieve being that it's still be so close to the placement. And I would recommend counseling. Counseling really helped me.


Kyle & Shanna said...

I feel terrible for girls when I hear of things happening to them like this. She doesn't deserve this treatment. I think that she should contact her caseworker and also have her caseworker contact the caseworker of the couple. She could also try to contact the couple and just ask them for a clear explanation of their sudden change of heart and ask them why they made promises to her that they seem to have had no intention of keeping.

It's not far for them to treat her this way and they need to understand that just because they recieved a child and got their dream, that a girl had to lose a dream herself in order to give that child to them. She trusted them with her most precious possession and they turned around and seem to show her very little or no gratitude for what she has done. I'm sure they have a reason for what they have done but they need to explain and include her in this so that she can understand.

Unknown said...

I agree with the previous comments. I like the idea of a letter, explaining her side, as well as asking for their side. I wonder if the adoptive parents are having a hard time deciding what role your friend should fill, and how to explain that to the child, friends, family. I would hope that by your friend getting to tell them her side, and asking why the change in heart, they will be able to come to an agreement.

Whit said...

I agree.I wish more adoptive couples would read this and be more aware of these wonderful angles in their lives. Continue to pray, and talk with the case worker. See if she can get something in writing, and hold them to it. Sending her a hug and prayers.

Karine said...

wow... every time I hear about these situations it breaks my heart! Hugs to you as a good friend and to her!!!!!!
First thing you can do, is ask her what was it about this couple that confirmed into her heart that this was the family, other than the willingness to be open... Having her make out a list, might be a comfort and confirmation to knowing she chose correctly and she doesn't second guess herself. It might add comfort.
Second, pray with her and for her. Listen and be there to help cheer her day. Let her know she is never alone and always surrounded by God's arms and his angels.
Then do as others have suggested, see if case worker can help. Sometimes they can.
Her expressing herself to the adoptive couple and educating the adoptive couple that open doesn't mean she wants the child back, it just means she wants to see the child is happy. Wants to know the child... love the child. I have always said it takes an army to raise one child. Many people have helped me with my own biological children. I don't know why anyone would want to do this to someone.
These woman do deserve respect, honor and LOVE!!!!! they deserve credit... I wrote a poem for birth mothers... you may share it with her if you like. I have many friends who are birth mothers and I too am in the process of hoping to adopt.
She is in my prayers! May her heart be comforted.
Dedicated to all my birth mother friends and to the birth mother who chooses us.

Angels are Among us
They are sent from God above
I know of many Angels here
With such a Christ-like Love
They are selfless, loving women
That carry priceless, sacred lives
Who help complete Forever Families
That could not have otherwise
You are among these Angels
That has this priceless gift
True love and understanding
The Lord has blessed you with
You have Angels with you
They are always by your side
To lead and guide you through
Your selfless sacrifice
Know the Lord has chosen you
To be special in this way
To bless another family
With a gift they can not repay
So let this Angel remind you
Your light and grace will always shine
More brilliant than a star.
by Karine Mikesell

Goodies for Mom said...

It so sad that this is happening. Can the two sit down together or with the case worker and talk out the issues and come to an agreement that may be a compromise for both. Explaining each side to the other and what their concerns are and how they can work together to solve the issues so both are happy and in the best interest of the child. Obviously cutting her out of her child's life is not in the child's best interest. :(

Anonymous said...

You are so one sided! You are only hearing one side of the story! I just want to make that very clear. Saying that this couple is not christ like is very harsh considering you have never met them. I am a birth mom myself and would never sit and put people down I don't know.

Jessalynn Speight said...

it isn't one sided I have met the couple. I have several different sides to the story and they were all gung ho then pulled back. They said because of her grieving they didn't feel that she could be happy for them. To lie__ to ignore, this is christlike? Would christ promise the world to someone then to totally ignore them because they are grieving and miss their baby that they just gave to you? I don't think so. Christ would do every thing iin his power to make sure she was well taken care of. I know they need time to bond with the baby but going so far as to dis invite her to the sealing and blessing, change their phone number, and break off contact with lds family services...that seems pretty extreme. btw i really wish if u feel so strongly about your opinions that you wouldnt be anon. if u would like the full long story u can email me. my email is at the top of the page..

Anonymous said...

So you know the full story then? You are telling me that you have sat down and talked with the adoptive couple and have heard their side of everything... or is this based off of one side? your friends side who is struggling? I'm just saying be careful what you say about people...especially something public. This is supposedly suppose to be a blog supporting both sides correct?
Being a birthmother myself it pisses me off to see other birthmothers so judgemental that is all. I just think and wonder what others think when you are bashing other people on a blog. Look at the entire picture. What does that say about all of you?
I placed my daughter over 10 years ago. I get updates yearly. I came to this blog to find support but I won't be involved with putting people down when you don't know the full story.

Katie from Cali

Jessalynn Speight said...

Yes in fact we all did sit down together because we wanted to work things out between her and the couple. It is not based off of one side. I know to be careful. I have full knowledge of how to do this. I do not bash people on this blog. This is not bashing. If you go through and read the post again you will see that I was not bashing them, yes I went so far as to call the behavior un christlike. I still stand by that. This blog is a blog of opinions. I do not bash anyone. I think everyone has a different story and a different way of handling things. Thats why I wrote this article to get opinions on how to handle the situation. And we did! Its so great. My friend gets updates now. Still no visit, still no calls...but updates and we are more then thrilled by this. We decided baby steps was the way to go on this one. Katie I hope that you do find some support here. This site actually was created to help birthmothers not support both sides it just ended up helping adoptive couples too to know what birthmothers go through. So yes I do know the full story. Like I said if you would like to hear the whole thing word for word I would be more then happy to talk to you. I am not judgemental in fact most of the time I am the one sticking up for the adoptive couple. Don't believe me? I can direct you to the more then several couples I have advocated for. In fact I put together an adoptive couple retreat and had a GREAT time! I am sorry that this post offended you so much. But I do want you to know, I did get the full story. I do support couples. And I most especially support birthmoms. I hope this answers your question or at least puts you at ease. If you have more questions I would love to answer them. Give me a call if you need to 8016994092

Anonymous said...

you have your oppinion... I have mine!
Thanks for the invite to call but I'm good. Don't need you to explain anything to me.


Anonymous said...

Just wanted to clear things up. We know the adoptive couple very well and they have never met JLBills so she is lying when she said that she has met them and talked with them. She is being one sided about this and did bash them and that is why a lot of things changed in regard to the openness of this adoption. So JLBills should get her facts straight before she puts lies on this website. Thanks Katie for sticking up for this couple and recognizing a lier when you hear one.

birthMOM said...

anon #2 - slander is unacceptable and will not be tolerated on this blog. there has been no personal bashing on this thread until you chimed in. your comment will most likely be deleted shortly. ~blog manager

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