from one adoptive mom to another

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A letter to Other Adoptive Parents

There is an issue that has been weighing on my mind lately. I have heard from a number of birthmothers who chose open adoption who feel forgotten by and disconnected from the families that adopted their baby. Some have had promises broken, some do not have the contact that was discussed, others have felt that they have become an afterthought or no thought given to them at all. It is heart breaking to see their longing to participate in a relationship.

I know that as parents we are busy. I get it- babies take time, there is sleep deprivation and the search for the elusive binkies and time to shower. Then as time goes by there is school, sports, practices, activities, figuring out what is for dinner, homework, grocery shopping, work and still finding time to shower. I get it-  we are parenting- loving, worrying, teaching, helping, hoping. It is all encompassing. Free time and social time can often disappear. It is joyous and wonderful and the most difficult thing- to be the parent we want to be. But we can’t forget- we are able to be a parent to this child because of the sacrifice of another. There is another who loves your child, who worries and hopes and loves.

Now I am not asking you to continually worship at the pedestal of   “birthmother”- this idea is distasteful to everyone involved- what I am asking you to do is to remove the pedestal and recognize that your child’s birthmother is a human being with whom you can have a real human relationship. Will this relationship look the same for every adoptive family? Of course not. Every family, every birthmother, every child is different. But what we can, as adoptive families do, is to get to know our child’s birthmother and find out what her needs are, what her hopes are and be open to this relationship evolving. I am begging you not to forget that placement was a beginning, not an ending.

I am asking every adoptive family to examine their feelings, attitudes and relationships in regards to birthparents. What is keeping us from having a real relationship? A relationship with give and take? Acknowledgement of the role they play in the creation of our families? Again this will look different for everyone, but ask yourself if what you are giving is truly what is wanted, what is truly your best effort? Is a few email updates a year really what is wanted? Is that really a relationship?

Unless your child’s birthmother tells you, I have always found that more is better than less. What keeps you from giving more? Is it fear? Fear of what? The unknown? Fear of the “worst case adoption scenario”- which for the record happens mostly on tv. Is it fear of being hurt or your child being hurt? Are you fearful of managing another relationship? Of boundaries? That someone (maybe you, maybe them) might say something inappropriate or hurtful? Is it fear that by including your child’s birthmother, it somehow makes your family less, instead of more? Adoption is about love, not fear. As we open our hearts to our children- how can we not open our hearts to their birthmother? How can we not let her know of our love by thoughtful communication and acknowledgement?  Will our children’s birthmother always be in our first thoughts daily? Not usually- that place is often reserved for our children, but she should not be relegated to our last thoughts or not thought of at all. Our children’s birthmothers should not be a box to check off- yep, sent the yearly update- but we should have a sincere desire to let her know who our child is becoming. Be secure in your role in your child’s life. We share our children with many people- grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, teachers, coaches, why would we shut out the very person who gave them life?

I have met many birthmothers and I have yet to meet one who wants to “co-parent”. Their sincerest desire is to know and have a relationship with you and the child that they placed for adoption. That is why they chose open adoption. It is not to interfere with your family. They will never forget the baby they placed, the baby they broke their own hearts for. Please don’t forget them. I am not asking you to be best friends, but I am asking that you keep your promises, that you open your heart, that you acknowledge this unique human relationship, that you create what works in your family for the entire adoption triad, not just what is easiest in your busy life. Please remember that we are all human and we will all make mistakes, but we can put forth our best effort. I have different relationships with my children’s birthmothers- one is easy, one is not as easy- I sometimes have to remind myself not to be offended, as I believe she means no offense- but I can’t imagine not having and maintaining regular contact. I believe that this is best for me, for them and for my children.

Please, families, if you have lost contact, lessened contact or pulled away, even unintentionally, consider the effect this has had on your child’s birthmother and what effect it may have on your child, now and in the future. Can you imagine how a birthmother feels when the adoptive family doesn’t even send pictures anymore? Examine your interactions, are they sincere? Can you do more?

Please let faith replace fear and let open adoption be a joy in your life.

Sincerely,

An Adoptive Mom

open adoption contracts, oh my!

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recently there was a hearty discussion or two in bloggy/fb land following an article about open adoption contracts and their enforceability in the salt lake tribune. you can google it, i dont need to link to it, as the comments on the article are abysmal and destructive towards adoption. 
the article itself was pretty great and featured an interview with ours truly, JLBills.

however, jessa and i were sorely perturbed when we read some comments from adoptive mothers, some of whom we know personally, even bigger ouch factor , on the r house blog post regarding the salt lake tribune article.

jessa and i had our own lil convo via text about the whole debacle and that lead to the creation of this post. we both feel it is important to address this issue from OUR perspective.

have you ever noticed how AGAINST open adoption contracts many adoptive (and hopeful adoptive)  mothers happen to be? shockingly, some of them that are the most against it, SAY they have healthy solid open adoption relationships with the birthparents of their children.

does this raise your eyebrows?? 

cuz it sure does cause ours to get a few inches higher on our foreheads.  

we dont for a single second understand the concept of not being willing to commit to openness on a legal and binding piece of paper. 

so heres a tidbit on how we feel about this whole open adoption contract 'debate'. raw and unfiltered no less. warning, you might not like this... 

reading what these adoptive moms had to say left us pissed off, baffled, frustrated, shocked, ashamed to know them personally, heartbroken for their childrens birthparents, appalled, infuriated, and downright beaten down. 

why?

because the comments we read were laced with FEAR, entitlement, FEAR, insecurity, FEAR, infertility issues not dealt with, FEAR, authority, FEAR, more entitlement, FEAR, judgement, FEAR, lack of commitment, FEAR, unwillingness to communicate, FEAR, disregard for others, FEAR, lack of compassion, FEAR  and lots of really ridiculously LAME EXCUSES - that centered around FEAR! 

to think, that after ALL.THESE.YEARS, with so many resources out there at their finger tips, with so much positive advocacy, that so many adoptive parents are still SO AFRAID is beyond our comprehension. this fear factor you all have, that you all cling to, HAS.GOT.TO.END! 

dear adoptive mothers, and hopeful adoptive mothers, and mothers in current semi/open adoptions, and mothers in closed adoptions: please put aside your fears and replace those fears with knowledge via sound education, trust, and most importantly unconditional compassionate love. 
thanks, the birthmothers of the world. 


since the comments jessa and i left on the r house blog were pretty much glossed over - one comment even said something along the lines of 'itd be nice to see a birthmom comment'... um hello. my screen name is birthMOM, how, pray tell, did you miss that one?! im going to repost them here on our blog.

we beg you to READ them. 

they are full of IMPORTANT real.life.information. 

birthMOM said on July 30, 2012 at 3:29 am

oh dear… here we go ;-)
a contract is created to protect both parties involved.
a contract includes clauses, contingencies and exemptions.
that being said, an open adoption contract would need to be one that indeed protected BOTH parties.

i think they are a necessity and should be legally enforceable in all states. they are a necessity because, lets get serious mrs R, hardly anyone [that ive seen] other than a small handful of wonderful people in the adoptive parent realm, has the honest open loving desire to build a sincere relationship with birthfamilys the way you do/have, you are a splendid example but most definitely a unique gem in the adoption world. no you do not need one, you never did. but for the majority, esp in the lds community, i say yes! yes yes an open adoption contract is needed, warranted, and should be desired by both parties.

if you arent willing to agree to what is laid out in the contract, if you arent willing to commit, then you should not be entering into that adoption. and if you ARE willing to agree to what is laid out in the contract, to the commitment you are about to embark on, then you probably dont ‘need’ the contract and therefore signing it doesnt matter in your moral dept. its like locking your luggage- it doesnt keep anyone but the honest people out so what really is the point of locking your luggage when someone who really wants to get into it can simply slice thru the fabric. but by locking it you feel protected, and on some level, you are protected.

i think the PROCESS of creating the contract is an essential part of the whole idea. it forces both sides to look at what it is they really want and are really capable of committing to. which is often (from what ive seen and experienced) the biggest problem – one or both sides isnt sure what they ‘want’, what things like timelines and amts of pics and updates and visits REALLY means, which leads to massive miscommunication and unmet expectations [often not far] down the road. by sitting down and figuring out what the contract should say and include, when to re evaluate it etc, would be an excellent piece of starting that open honest trusting relationship. if the adoptive couple is uncomfy maybe they need more education and knowledge, if a birthparent is uncomfy maybe she needs more support and more options/ideas. with creating a contract, each side knows what the other expects, each side knows what they are being held accountable for, each side is on.the.same.page! this is important in any relationship, so why shouldnt the open adoption relationship be just as prioritized as any other? a contract creates the initial steps of communication and we all know how well any sort of non communicative relationship works out. 

i only see good coming from an open adoption contract. any negatives that could come from having a contract are negatives that are also going to happen, and possibly more detrimental, from not having one. and i see more negative from not having one any way you spin it. as far as enforceability, i guess that would depend on the state… what would the punishment be? a fine? not being able to adopt again because you wouldnt be in ‘good standing’ with the state or agency or both?

biased time.
lets also get serious for a moment abt the birth parent aspect.
yes adoption is really all abt the child and whats best for them blahblah. preachin to the choir.
in the long run, yes the open adoption is better for the child (we’re assuming, lets see what bunches of adoptees say in the next 10-15 years) but in the short run, the first 0-5 yrs, open adoption is best for the birthmother. it most certainly facilitates healing. healing allows a full and happy future filled with endless opportunities. why wouldnt you want that for your childs birthmother?

the birthmother sacrifices her heart and soul for the love of her child and then all too often is massacred by the ultimate betrayal via the adoptive couple not doing what they said- what the birthmother trusted them to do. so who really needs to be protected, who really needs an ‘enforceable contract’, who really benefits from such a contract… the birthmother.
and if you truly love that child, the child she trusted to you, then you should be begging to sign on the dotted line, as its the least you can do to honor her sacrifice, to demonstrate your love for her precious flesh and blood.

if youre planning on doing 

what you say you are going to do, 

then put it in writing and 

sign the [expletives withheld] piece of paper

- own it.

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Jessalynn speight said on July 30, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I think what a contract does, is it forces the adoptive couple to be honest about what they can/will handle so that the birthmom is assured in what she is walking into by placing with them….For me it is more about the couple being forced to be honest.

I also don’t think some of you are seeing it from a birthmom’s perspective or an adoptee’s perspective. A lot of the comments I see are me, me , me and a lot of them are based on fear or hypothetical, or not “norm” situations. If you look at the majority of birthmoms it isn’t going to be that scary. We as birthparents are turning OUR children over to you for time and for some of you eternity. The LEAST you could do is sign a legally binding document saying that you will promise to send us a letter once a year with a picture. I mean come on….

I also would like to point out that if you reevaluate the contract on a yearly or as needed basis this helps work any kinks out and goes with the flow of an ever changing relationship. this way if someone is not respecting healthy boundaries it can be fixed, it also prevents those adoptive couples ridden with their own insecurities of their infertility issues.

It saddens me to read so many of these comments. It makes me curious as to how my birth daughter’s mom truly feels about me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*** by far the biggest joke we have come across in all our years of adoption involvement, of reading and trying to debunk endless adoption/birthmother myths, years of pouring our blood sweat and tears into open adoption advocacy... is the idea that having an open adoption contract would PREVENT the relationship from being able to evolve, PREVENT it from being open and personal and PREVENT it from being even more open than originally decided upon with said contract. *** 

thats right people, you read correctly. that idea is a laughable JOKE to us!! and an insulting one at that. 

please please we beg of you, on behalf of every single birthmother there ever was and ever will be, to please look inside the depths of your soul and do some serious self evaluation. 

and when you get there, and if you happen to find a hint of admiration, trust and/or  love for the birthmother(s) in your life, please go out of your way to do something nice to honor your commitment to openness. 

and then encourage your entourage of adoption peeps to do the same. 

adoption luvs

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thats all for now, but certainly not the end of this topic. it will get PERSONAL in future posts =) 

sorry, but no comments will be accepted, do feel free to email us your thoughts, but dont bother trying to argue with our feelings on the matter. 

Also, let the record be noted that mrs r has personally apologized to me for the comments left by her readers on her blog post. which is something i told her she didnt need to do. 

ps. if you feel like anything said in this post was directed at you personally, then PLEASE email us, lets talk about it, so we can still be friends. 

loving a birthmother - from K

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thank you K for sharing your unique perspective as a birthmother AND an adoptive mother! 

When I was trying to conceive, I felt hopeless and angry that I was not getting pregnant. Suffering from secondary infertility was very hard because there was no medical reason for my inability to conceive. I started to feel inept.....I wanted to be a mother so badly. My maternal instincts were so strong. I started to hate my decision to place my only son for adoption years earlier. I questioned God and His reasons for not allowing me to be a MOM. Then one day, I decided to just give it up to Him and asked him to make me a mother if he felt it was in my life's plan. 

After years of almost desperation, I received a phone call from a friend who asked if I was interested in adoption. I was sort of caught off guard, but she knew of my infertility struggles and desire to be a mother. I told her I was interested. 

A few months later, I was speaking with Peyton's Birth Mom on the phone discussing the possibility of adopting her son. I was scared and elated at the same time. I felt so badly for Ashe as she was making a very hard decision to not parent her 2nd child. I know how it feels to place and it is AWFUL. Ashe and I agreed to meet only weeks before she was due to deliver. I felt very strange being on the other side of adoption. All of a sudden I was on the recieving end of a birthmoms grief. I knew all of the pain she would endure and the loss that would she would feel for a very long time. 

We decided on an open adoption. I was eager to be open with Ashe as I was only able to have a semi-open adoption with my bio-sons parents. I wanted Ashe to know everything. I wanted her to be part of Peyton's life. The special woman who loved him so much and she chose me. She chose me to raise and love him in her absence. She chose me to kiss his boo-boo's, mend his broken hearts and teach him about the world and life. 

God answered my prayer. I am truly blessed to be Peyton's mother and I love Ashe in so many ways. Not just because she chose me. But because she trusted me. In the 5 years since Peyton's birth, Ashe and I have grown extremely close. We text all the time and call eachother and play on Facebook. We visit when we can (we live in seperate states). Ashe is part of my family. Sort of like my sister. I feel her pain and see her happiness.  And I love her for so many reasons it is impossible to write them all down. Ashe helped heal the hole in my heart by making me a mommy. And we both love the same boy in the same way. 

loving a birthmother - from B

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sadly we have never met irl, we tried to rendezvous in sunny ca, but it wasnt in the stars. regardless, i do luv this girl! she and her hubbs are in the preliminary stages to getting approved for adoption again. If you would like to learn more about them and their family, you can contact them at corybeccafamily@ gmail dot com

Hi! I was asked to write about our relationship with my children’s birthmothers. To start off as an introduction, my husband and I have two children we adopted at birth. Our son is 3.5 yrs old and our daughter is 23 months old. As you can see, our children are still very young and I would also say that our relationship with their birthmothers, is still in a stage of relational infancy as well. In fact, my husband and I have been married for almost 11 years and I feel that we are just barely out of the infancy of our relationship. Lol.

As I sit and think about my love I have for my children’s birthmothers, I am instantly brought back to what brought us together as women. Although the very difficult & loving actions these women chose was ultimately the start of a relationship, it was a choice we all decided, and continue to decide, in maintaining our relationship. My relationship with both these women is different, as they are different people. So to give readers in the adoption community some more diversity in adoption relationships I will discuss both of them and how they are both unique. To distinguish the different women, C will be the woman recognized as our first born (son’s) birthmother and J is the birthmother of our daughter.

After our son’s birthmother C chose to place her son with us for adoption, we began writing to each other. My relationship with her has been a slow, steady, safe & very trusting place of growth. In the beginning C was leaning heavily on a closed adoption. I really hoped that our relationship would continue to grow but I also realized that we needed to be patient as her ‘distance’ was the way for her to work through and go through what she had to go through. When we were at the hospital with her, she had decided that she would like to keep in contact for a year. As the year was approaching we were so nervous that our contact and relationship with her would end, but come to find out she thought the same thing and had emailed me hoping we could continue to keep in contact. Since then and from the time of our son’s birth, we have maintained a relationship and I love her so much. We began communication with C via snail mail but we have also evolved into email, blogging, facebook and messaging. What I love about C is her loving heart. She is sensitive, caring, and thoughtful. She is one of those people, that once she befriends you, she will always have your back and be a devoted and longtime friend. We feel so blessed to have her in our lives and I am grateful to call her my friend. We are so excited every time we hear from her. My son has her same sensitive soul and devoted protective nature for the people he loves.

The weekend J, our second birthmother was due to have our daughter, we flew out to meet her. Prior to that we had been emailing & talking on the phone to get to know each other more. She invited us over on a Saturday to her home for dinner to meet her and her family and her grandparents. One of the main reasons J chose us to parent her daughter, was because of some specific experiences that her and I had in common. From the beginning, I think this connection immediately created a bond between us in addition to the adoption aspect of our relationship. We communicate with each other via snail mail, email, blogging, facebook, texting and phone calls. I am grateful to have her in my life. I love that she calls me for important things going on. I was the first person she called to tell me she was getting married and then later having a baby. She has told me several occasions that I am like an older sister and best friend to her. I love our friendship & love how we can talk like sisters and feel so comfortable with each other. That comfort we have has made it easy to work through misunderstandings we have had and I am sure we will have more, all relationships do. At this stage in our relationship, we don’t get to talk as often now that she is married and has a family and little ones to keep her busy. I love that she has a big heart, is feisty, funny and compassionate. We love that our little girl has those same qualities too.

I am grateful for these women I have in my life. One of the things that really contributed to a great start with these women is that they expressed from the beginning the type of relationship they wanted to have with us, and how much they wanted to be in contact. Of course with C, she initially leaned towards a more closed adoption, but we also had expressed that we had hoped that it would open up and giving her that knowledge, allowed her to feel comfortable opening it up more when she was ready!

loving a birthmother - from Me

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Late afternoon shadows and light bounce off the walls and floor as I slowly rock down the hallway, humming to the baby cradled in my arms. She holds her bottle tight between tiny, chubby fingers and I’m cherishing this quiet moment we share in preparation for her nap. I concentrate on willing this memory to be filed away in my subconscious so that it might be recalled later in my life -- perhaps one day when my arms are not so full.


My petite girl turns her head toward me and gazes contentedly up into my eyes. If she didn’t already have me wrapped completely around her finger, she wouldn’t have to try hard. Next, she does one of my very favorite things. She grins at me so that she drools a little milk out the sides of her pretty pink lips. Not only is her mouth smiling, but so are her beautiful blue eyes. Whenever those eyes meet mine, there is a fraction of a second when I feel my heart might beat just for her. And then I remember how blessed I am to not only have Amelia in my life, but to have Carter and Ruby as well.

little millie

And then Amelia’s smiling eyes remind me of someone else. Every time I look into them I feel a connection to another woman who is a hero of mine, and not just because she chose me to be the mother of two of my three children. I love her for so much more than the act of making an adoption plan when she discovered she was expecting. She wears the title of birth mother, yes, but she is so much more than that to me. She is beautiful, inside and out. She is brave. She is sweet. She is courageous. She is a mother. She is a daughter. She is a sister, an aunt, and a friend. She is full of love for all her children and for her family. She will never get sick of me texting or sharing pictures. She gets as excited as I do when one of my kids reaches a new milestone. She has made some really selfless choices in her life. I’ve seen her sacrifice everything for what she feels is best for a child. I’ve known her heart to break more than once, and yet she keeps going, trying to be the best she can be. I love her for all these reasons and more. Honestly, we only get to see each other once or twice a year and we haven’t spent hours chatting or going shopping together. However, I feel a connection to her on a deeper level than almost anyone else on this earth. I will always love and respect her, no matter what. Carter and Amelia are part of her. She is part of them. As Desha says, “He is mine in a way that he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way that he’ll never be mine, and so together WE are motherhood.” Just looking into my daughter’s eyes reminds me of this.

carter and his birthmother

I place one last kiss on my Millie’s forehead and, just like at every nap time, I tell her I love her, tell her to rest well, and carefully close the door of her room on my way out. I pray silently that I can be enough for my children, that I can somehow express a love worthy of two mothers who both want the best for each of these children. I always want my children to know that they were placed in love. I will always do my best to teach them the full extent of that love. I am grateful for the openness that we do have in our adoptions, even if it’s not as much as some have, because it means honesty, truth, and knowledge for my children. It means they know they have always been cared for. I hope both of the women who gave life and birth to my babies know how reverenced their names are in our home. I hope they know I think of them, pray for them, and hope the best for them every day. I hope they will feel my gratitude for them this weekend as we celebrate Birth Mother’s Day and Mother’s Day.

darling ruby

handsome carter

There are a lot of miracles that come together to make up every uniquely beautiful adoption story. 

I am blessed to have three miracle children in my life and to be reminded of their birth mothers 

each time I look into their eyes.

the arizona experiment

For more info about this family please go to:

http://thearizonaexperiment.blogspot.com/

loving a birthmother - from mrs R

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mrs R is a dear friend to both of us (desha and jessa) and a remarkable example of living happily with open adoptions that WORK. be sure to check out her blog if you dont already follow it, for all kinds of positive adoption advocacy and information, as well as resources for any member of the adoption triad! also, the R house is hoping to adopt! 

It's true, adoption is what brought us to each other, but it is so much more that has kept us close together.

It has been 5+ years since our oldest son's birth mother emailed us and invited us to be the parents of her baby boy. 

The weekend we met 5 year ago.

I have been blessed to get to know her not only through our shared motherhood, but also as a dear friend. She is someone that I admire. She always seem so calm and easy-going and is the least judgmental person I have ever met. She just loves regardless of situation or circumstance. I want to be more like her! She is also a great example of being giving and sharing; she has been sweet enough to let us have a relationship with her extended family (brothers, sister, mom, dad, step dad, cousins, grandma, aunt, boyfriends, etc.) and share time with them even on our visits with each other which are too few for my liking. (One of the bummers of being 2K+ miles apart.) 

We have tons of fun even though ours is a long distance relationship. When she posts on Facebook that she is craving a cherry Slurpee from 7-11 but doesn't have a 7-11 close, we love to hop in the car and go get one in her honor ...and then tell her about it. When she hears that her son hates Carl's Jr., she makes a point to ask for his forgiveness when she is forced to eat there. Our almost constant texting of funny things, pictures and questions for each other is silly and uplifting, even 5 years later. I even adore the way she texts smiley faces. =]

Our youngest son's birth mom has been a family friend since was in elementary school. Our relationship with her has grown from "that pretty girl who is friends with my brother-in-law" to a beloved friend and confidant. 

Duck lips kissy face is a classic when we are together.

She is passionate and feisty--a lot like me--which makes her easy for me to talk to. When she calls and says, "Can you pick me up from the airport tomorrow, I am coming for a visit!" We celebrate because she brings the party with her. Literally. We always have white Walmart cupcakes (not the minis, she doesn't like those as much) with white frosting when she comes. We make fun of my brother-in-law and tell the boys all the crazy stories of things they did when they were little. And we laugh. A lot. 

She is fiercely loyal and you can always count on her to have your back when you are going through a rough time. If she sees something on Facebook about me having a rough day, she calls to check on me even if she only has 2 minutes to step away from work. I try and do the same, but she sets a high standard! The night that we experienced a failed adoption plan, she called minutes after we received the news just to check on us and try to lift our spirits. To this day I have no idea how she knew so fast. She really is amazing.

Being close to the women who give so much love to our family has been one of the choicest blessings I have gleaned from being an adoptive mom. I love, respect and admire these women for who they are. They are so much more than their choice to place although it is a sacred part of them. 

They are our closest friends.

They are family.

loving a birthmother - from Ch

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I genuinely LOVE my children’s birthmoms….

I have been blessed by adoption 3 wonderful times. 

Each adoption is as unique as their birthmoms.

Let me tell you why I love my oldest son’s birthmom Ashlee. My son James aka Ashton-James or his nickname BAJA is named after his birthmom. When I first met Ashlee she was a junior in high school. I was so impressed that she maintained her high GPA of 3.9 even though she was pregnant and working nearly full time.  She has determination; a trait that I now see in my little BAJA. She is my hero. I have loved her from the moment she wrote us a beautiful letter of why she was placing with us. My love grew deeper when she kissed him on the forehead and then placed him in my arms. I love that BAJA seemed to look at Ashlee as if to say thank you…and then he looked to me. His past and his future in one look.

Ashlee and I describe our relationship as an EXTREME open adoption. We went to her high school graduation. We met her boyfriends, we shared birthdays together, BAJA was the ring bearer at her wedding, we give presentations to high school students, and she invited me and Brian as some of the first people to meet her little girl (born Dec 2011). I love watching her be a mom. I’m so grateful that she calls me to share in her little girl’s “firsts” and to share stories.

I love that I have seen Ashlee grow to a beautiful competent woman. She is smart, dedicated, gorgeous, a little stubborn, creative, and so caring. She managed a retail store and after completing school she now works in a medical office. Ashlee is so supportive of me and our little family. She is always quick to offer her support and love.  When we adopted Baby Jonathan last year, Ashlee tended BAJA and Christian for me so I could visit Jonathan in the hospital. 

There doesn’t seem to be a word that describes my love for Ashlee sister & friend doesn’t seem to express my feelings. My beautiful moment of Ashlee is just a few weeks ago we attended an event where I was getting an award for Motherhood.  I couldn’t receive this award without Ashlee. I surprised her by having the announcer invite her to receive the award with me.

When BAJA was 4 ½ years old we found our second child Christian.  I found his birthmom Katie on the internet one night. Katie and her husband John are parenting 3 children, placed a little boy in a nearby city, and now were placing this little boy.  Katie and John wanted a family willing to be open to a relationship with his biological sibling. No problem for us. We welcomed this idea with open arms. Katie and John live in another state so our relationship is one of text messages, packages, and lengthy phone calls.  

Katie is strong and tough!! I love Katie’s strong, independence. Traits I see in Christian. Katie doesn’t let anyone tell her she can’t do something. Once she makes up her mind there is no going back. She is a hard worker. She tackles a problem. She is smart and subjects like math come easy for her. We were able to visit John & Katie early in her pregnancy and spend time with their family. She wanted to make sure we felt comfortable. She has a wonderful laugh. A deep belly laugh. She sees the good in a situation no matter how difficult. She often says “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. 

What I love most about Katie is her generous spirit. She offered so much to us even though she had little. Her generosity continued to amaze me when she was always the first to offer regarding the adoption plan. “You are going to be there for the birth, you are going to hold him first, you are going to stay in my room!”

I love Katie for her friendship and as she describes it “sisterhood”

Jonathan’s birthmom Vanessa has had a difficult life. I love her for her courage despite the rough journey she has had. Vanessa is quiet and graceful. She has a soft giggle and I love that Jonathan has her giggle. She has slate colored eyes kinda blue kinda brown kinda green and Jonathan has her eyes.  She loved nature including birds, trees, and the simple things in life. Since her life was complicated it’s interesting that she loved the simple aspects of life.  I love that from the moment Vanessa saw the picture of us she wanted him to go to our family. Despite everyone telling her otherwise, she placed him with us. She was so gracious in letting me go to all her doctor visits. She continually told me that Jonathan was meant for our family. I love her for her determination and I see this quality in Jonathan too. 

Vanessa had the courage to leave her stressful situation. She is in another state now and unfortunately I no longer have contact with her. This leaves a large hole in my heart. I think of her everyday I look into Jonathan’s eyes and I hope she has found peace in her new life. I send letters and pictures to her grandmother and I hope that these updates are opened and the messages are passed to her. I long for Vanessa to know how much we love and care for her!!

I love that my boys have a heritage of strong birthmothers. I am a strong mother and as such I am forever grateful that our children can know they are loved by strong mothers!

I am so blessed to have such beautiful women in our lives!

loving a birthmother - from Ca

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** if you have adopted more than once and would like to contribute to this series, you can email your thoughts and pics to deshawood at gmail 

The Friend and Sister I Didn’t Know

As a hopeful adoptive mom to be, I just really hoped that when I was contacted by an expectant mom that she would like me. It is nerve wracking to fill out adoption profiles and put down your favorite things and worry about what someone will think reading it. What if she doesn’t like me because I like to watch “Survivor” and she doesn’t!!??  Now, as a veteran of two adoptions, I have a much better perspective on it and I understand that if someone doesn’t want to get to know me because of a tv show, it probably wouldn’t have been a great match. As a newbie though, you agonize over every single word.  What I didn’t give much thought to was “would I like her”?  Why?  Of course I would like her. Duh. She is considering me to raise and love and be a mom to her precious baby. But the idea is very abstract until you actually are contacted by a real, live person.

J contacted me in the summer, but she wasn’t due until the following spring, so we began an email and instant messaging relationship.  I just really wanted her to like me, so every time we found a commonality, I was so excited. Yes, we like many of the same tv shows, including Survivor!  Yes, we both like to read!  Yes, we both love to travel- we had been to many of the same places and we each had been places the other wanted to go to.  It was fun getting to know her.  We met in person that fall. I had lots of anxiety before that meeting, but when we met it was almost instantly comfortable and friendly. We had a lot of fun hanging out, going to the beach and we found we had even more in common. It was easy to talk with her.  I liked her! For the rest of the fall and winter we continued emailing and IM’ing.  It was a strange dance of a relationship- getting to know each other and enjoying time chatting, but always wondering in the back of my mind- is this adoption going to work out, does she think I only like her because of the possible adoption, does she like me? I feel like I love her, but is that because she could make my dream come true?

When the birth of Hannah happened, my questions were answered.  I knew that she was struggling with her choice and in a conversation with C, the birthfather and then again when we dropped off a congratulations gift, the words that left my mouth and rang true in my heart were “If you guys decide to parent, we will support you because we have gotten to know you and we love you, no matter what”.  I knew them. I knew J. I loved her, not because she was a potential birthmom, but because she was J, a woman who loves Survivor and the Amazing Race, who loves the beach, whose favorite holiday is Halloween, who loves haunted houses. A woman who works hard and loves her family.  I loved her because she had become my friend.

In the five years since that day, I have grown to love her even more. Of course I love and admire her for the sacrifice that she made in choosing adoption and allowing me to become a mom. What she did was amazingly difficult, but it is not the only reason I love her. Our relationship has deepened as we have spent time together and I feel that she is a sister to me. I forget that we are not “family”, except that we are!  I have been privileged to be a part of her life as she has married, gone to school and is now raising two adorable girls.  I love that she is a great mom!  I love that we can still talk about books and go to movies together and share popcorn.  While choosing adoption brought and bound us together, the friendship that we have keeps those bonds strong. If I only loved her as a “birthmom” and not as a real woman and friend, I would be missing out and so would my daughter.

loving a birthmother - from M

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michelle is just incredible and a dear friend. (she is one of the adoptive moms that i covet) 

she and her husband are hoping to adopt. 

Shortly after my oldest son Noah’s birthmom placed him in our family, I started to miss her.  Noah was born eight years ago, right before adoptions became open at LDSFS, so we had to send letters through the agency and she didn’t know our last name.  It seemed so strange to love and like somebody so much but not to be able to further develop the relationship past placement day. 

We met for the first time while she was pregnant and, I thought, “If we had met under other circumstances, we’d be close friends.”  And I knew right away I’d love her perfect baby boy because I liked her so much.  Little did I know at the time that being friends WAS possible. 

Sometimes Greg and I would talk hypothetically about how cool it would be to see her again and to hang out with her family.  At the time we didn’t know any other families or birthmoms involved with open adoptions, so it seemed like only a hope.  One day several months after placement, I cautiously asked our caseworker if anyone ever did more than just write letters to their birthmom.  I vaguely suggested that we were interested in visiting Noah’s birthmom but didn’t want to bring it up with her if it would do any harm toward her healing.  Thankfully, he said – and I quote – “You do whatever you think is right.”  I have thanked him several times over the years for giving that advice.  His advice was a bit ahead of the times at LDSFS.  If he had given the slightest indication openness was something to worry about, we wouldn’t have proceeded and we wouldn’t have developed such fantastic friendships with Noah’s birthmom or later with our second son Sam’s birthmom.

Noah’s birthmom lives in another state so we see her roughly once a year.  The first time we hung out (Noah was 18 months) was heaven.  We had a BBQ at her parent’s house and totally overstayed our welcome.  We loved showing Noah off to her and bragging for hours about how smart he was and how well he talked.  We couldn’t stop talking to her family, sharing stories and getting to know them better.  When we left that night, we begged for another visit.

Finally we were able to arrange one for Christmas Eve, 18 months later.  My 30^th birthday.  I couldn’t imagine a better birthday present to myself.  After that visit, we felt like LDSFS rebels.  Here we were with a bona fide friendship with our son’s birth family!  We wanted others to enjoy something similar, so we started talking to other couples and encouraged our caseworker to promote openness more.  We wrote a letter to our caseworker pleading our case.  That letter was published several months later in a newsletter put out by the agency.

By that time we had waited a few years for baby #2.  We ached for that baby.  One day, Sam’s birthmom had an appointment with her caseworker.  She was pregnant and feeling overwhelmed by choosing a family.  She had emailed several couples and none were quite right.  She had overlooked our profile online because we already had Noah.  But her caseworker showed her the newsletter article about our deep love for Noah’s birthmom and our hope for another open adoption.  She emailed us the next morning.

That was almost five years ago and we can hardly even imagine our lives without her.  She brought the sweetest little baby to our family.  We loved him instantly and that ache we had felt for so long immediately was replaced by pure joy.  And once again, we experienced the sweet friendship of a new birthfamily.

I love my boys’ birthmoms for so many reasons.  Since we bonded over something as huge as grief, loss, respect, and especially a perfect baby, the friendships were deep from the start.  But over the years as we’ve really gotten to know each other and as we’ve bragged over the same child and done fun things together, I have really gotten to love each women for WHO SHE IS.  We have done so many things together including eat, play at the park, sit on the couch and talk for hours, go to museums, reminisce about our baby’s infant pictures, send “how are you – I miss you” texts – just the regular things friends do.  A few weeks ago I ran a dilemma I was having by Sam’s birthmom and her husband.  I had no experience with the issue I was worried about and knew that they did.  Not surprisingly, they offered excellent advice.  Every.single.time I spend time with either of our boys’ birthmoms I leave happy and fulfilled.

Just this morning on the way to school Noah randomly said he loves his freckles because he got them from his birthmom.  Then he told me he LOVES having two moms that love him.  He asked me if I’m jealous that he’s adopted and I’m not.  I had never really considered that before.  But I have considered that I need and value the birthmoms I do have in my life. These two women gave my kids life and they gave me love.  I may not have a birthmom, but I have them.  And I am grateful.