Guilty?

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What a wonderful opportunity to blog about a topic near and dear to both Jessa and myself. We got to have a lovely chat this afternoon because there has been some wailing and gnashing of teeth in regards to certain members of the adoption triad not being able to voice their experiences, perspective, and opinion on a specific social media site.

*non-affiliated with us*

or is it?

You see there is this little thing called guilt by association. It can’t be avoided. It can’t be ignored. It is unfortunately how most of us make our judgments and collect our knowledge about the people in the world both near and far.

That makes us affiliated to the social media site that we don’t have any tangible authority over. No control to what is said. No control what the actions of that site do to the perception of ‘birthmother’.

Guilt by association is not a problem when things are going well. LOVE IT. Free marketing and advertising and character development! It’s a huge problem when birthmoms are being perceived as having an agenda that we ourselves don’t cater to or there is behavior that we ourselves would never participate in.
sucks, huh?

In the birthmother demographic there are definitely different ‘sides’. Very simply stated there are the women that fall on the side of negative and the women who fall on the side of positive. There is very little cross over. Both sides are justified in their convictions. Both sides are full of women who deserve to share their voice. Both sides have good wholesome people and not so good or wholesome people. There is a vast difference in experience and opinion between these two sides. Yet we are all still birthmothers. We will ALWAYS have that in common.

What one birthmom does and says, especially on social media,
in a public forum no less, creates perceptions about
every.single.one.of.us. 

Does this mean that one cannot freely share their experiences and opinions in public? No
It simply means that you can choose you words, you can choose your attitude, you can choose whether you reply and/or react, you can choose your behavior, you can choose to play nice, you can choose to stir up trouble. Only you can choose, and there’s rarely anything anyone else can do about your choice.

Jessa and I have always striven to allow all members of the triad an opportunity to share their voice. We welcome differing of opinion. We share articles and stories that we don’t necessarily agree with or share conviction with. We try really hard to stand up for those that are not given a platform.
We do however have a zero tolerance policy for unsolicited character attacks and we won’t share false or made up ‘facts’. We try to set an example and we are not perfect. BM4A started by trying to pave a way, create a soapbox per say, for a voice that we believed wasn't heard. We've made mistakes, and corrected them, many times over the years.

We want to encourage our fellow birthmothers to always do the same. We want you to make a choice that builds up, rather than tears down. You don’t have to be a rainbow farting positive glitter tosser to build up. You can express very negative things and still be building up the birthmom demographic.

Together we need to:

• Keep each other accountable – CALL YOUR FELLOW BIRTHMOMS OUT ON THEIR SHIT. Let the rest of the adoption community know when you don’t agree with what soandso said/did.
• Be honest. Truth wins every time. *remember that your truth is not EVERYones truth* 
• Think before you speak/act. Walk away when necessary. You don’t have to reply!
• Consider how your comments/actions reflect on the demographic as a whole. 
• Choose private venues to express ‘how you really feel’ or to vent in.
• Listen. Don’t discriminate. Play nice. Apologize when you play mean.

And most importantly…

please, just DON’T.BE.STUPID! 

Stupid is as stupid does. Stay classy, San Diego. Good night, and good luck. 

please comment!

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we posted this thought provoking blurb on the bm4a facebook page....

as a birthmother, 

how do you differentiate between 'want' and 'need' 

when it comes to contact with the child that you placed? 

do you really 'need' anything at all, or does it all just boil down to a 'want'?  

did you get everything you ultimately 'needed' from the act of placement itself? 

discuss!

there is no right or wrong answer! each person is validated to have their own 

thoughts feelings and experiences, so please dont be afraid to comment!! 

Managing Open Adoption After Baby

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Having a baby is no joke. They take a lot of time, people aren't kidding around when they say that.

My baby girl wants to be held and talked to 75 percent of the day. Now that she is getting older i can put her down a little more. Anyways, i am busy. REALLY busy. Between blogging, starting a new company, working, cleaning, and school....i am stretched pretty thin lately.

Because of my life being so busy...lets just say that i have kinda neglected the adoption part of my life. I have not devoted nearly as much time as i want to the adoption things i love. Blogging, Retreat, talking with Josie and her fam.

i know everyone is always telling me to take breaks and I have been...TRUST ME. this is the most break i have ever taken. and it has killed me.

I miss talking to Josie's mom more...we she has sent me text messages and sporadic facebook messages and i have given quick responses. but I miss it. i miss knowing better what is going on in their lives. they mean soooo much to me. they are part of my family.

So for those of you who are at this point or have been at this point...how do you manage open adoption with your family.

I am going to visit josie and fam next month with my friend Tiffany and that will help me feel better about the situation. but i need tips.

How do you manage your time? Keep up with updates? Stay apart of their lives?

What if? What if?

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"What' and ‘if’.  Two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."  from Sophie's letter to Clair in Letters to Juliet.

An adoptive parent asked me to write a post on how I think my life would have been different if I'd been a child of an open adoption instead of a tightly closed one.  Actually, I rarely dwell in the what if realm.  Thoughts come to me —longings-- and I am confronted with phantom grief for all of the lives I didn't live.  I visit there sometimes, visit the what if.  But that realm is at the end of a long, lonely street.  It takes a while to get there, and once I leave I don't have the desire to return very soon.  I'm stating only the obvious what ifs in this post, from my perspective.


If I start dwelling on what if I'd had an open adoption, then I have to think about what if I hadn't been adopted at all:    I have to think about the fact that I wouldn't have been there for my a-parents when they were close to death.  I have consider that Teresa wouldn't be my lifelong best friend from my home town in California.  I have imagine life without my two brothers and older sister.  I have to imagine a life built on something other than my Faith.  I have to consider a childhood without piano lessons.  I have to think about not meeting my husband at BYU, getting married and having my four wonderful children.  It's too much.  It gives me migraines.   I never say "I wish I weren't adopted."   I never will say it.  I don't feel that way.

Now, the question of what if I'd had an open adoption.  If I had known my birth mother, I would not have felt depressed every birthday wondering about the day I was born.  I would not have looked at brunette models on Revlon TV commercials and fantasized that one of them was my natural mother.  I would have know who gave me my freak double-jointed fingers and crooked pinkies. 


 I could have answered medical history questions at the doctor's office.   I would have felt more comfortable living in my own skin.   I would have confidence that my sometimes serious, too analytic, Information Nation style of socializing was inherited honestly, and not a character defect.  I would have had more adults in my life to mentor me, to love me, to be interested in me.


I will not attempt to address the what if from my birth mother's perspective.  But here's something she wrote on the subject:  "When I surrendered  I knew I could not have contact with my daughter and should not even start looking for her until she was 18 . I could force myself to cast aside thoughts about her until she reached that magic age.  Mothers in open adoption have to navigate a relationship from day one."


Relationship navigation is very tricky.  I think my adoptive parents could have managed an open adoption though, especially with my particular birth mother.  If my adoptive parents and known my birth parents , perhaps they would have had an easier time parenting me.  They would have recognized my body language, my sense of humor, my seriousness.  They wouldn't have had to figure me out from scratch.  

The Disgusting Display that was Glee

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This is going to be an incredibly geeky post. but after watching Glee from Tuesday I was bugged.

-First thing they did wrong, Coach Sylvester telling Quinn she "lost her kid"
-Second thing they did wrong, incorrect adoption language....ALL OVER THE PLACE
-Third thing they did wrong, made Quinn totally out of control...i get grieving but this was out of control.
-Fourth thing they did wrong, Shelby trying waaaayyy to hard to get into Rachel's life. As a birthmother i understand her pain and wanting to be apart of her life. I also, however, believe in boundaries. If Josie doesn't want me to be part of her life one day then that is her choice and I will respect it.
-Fifth thing, plotting to get custody...pretending to be someone else....yucky...yucky...no no.

They did do a few things right,
- I liked that Shelby was trying to institute and open adoption. Telling Quinn she wanted her to be part of Beth's life.
-I also liked that Mr. Shu and Puckermann told Quinn how it really is and told her to grow up. She needed to hear it.
- I liked that Puckermann was so good about it. he really showed open adoption in the good light. Showing that open adoption only works when there is mutual respect and boundaries.

Really i am just annoyed with the way adoption gets so often poorly portrayed in the media. Open adoption is awesome. Adoption is absolutely beautiful. TV stop making teen moms all seem like these troubled teens who place because they could never be a good mom. that is not the only reason for placing. stop making it seem like you can never recover from placing for adoption. stop making us all seem like .... (for lack of better explanation)....like we are all crack whores who will never make anything of our life. STOP. do your research on CURRENT and COMMON adoption stories. they can be happy...most of them are. read our blog roll on the side millions of stories...happy ones.

Music Stills The Soul

Have you ever heard how music can "calm your soul" or help to fix a broken heart (as well do the opposite for you depending on the type of music). I have always believed this and so when I placed my little boy for adoption I gave his parents a cd with songs that would always remind me of him. I recently bought an iPod for him and plan to put those songs and some additional songs on it as well for him.

There are times when emotions get to strong, hard to handle, and difficult for you to talk to anyone about (especially if they don't understand the situation or what you have been through). There are times I really just need a good cry to deal with missing Mr. B. I am still living in the community I was when I made the choice to place him for adoption but I didn't have much support from my community so beside my husband and mom, I really don't talk to many people about my choice. My husband even has guys at his work make comments to him about how I was before I placed Mr. B and how he's lucky I didn't "get rid of" his daughter's. I know this upsets my husband, so I try not to show too strong of feelings about their comments, but I normally get overwhelmed by my emotions.

At times like this I go for a drive and put on my copy of the cd I made for Mr. B or take my iPod and go for a run and listen to a playlist I have made to help me think about him in a more healthy way.

Here is a list of songs that I have on the cd and my playlist (some of these have a more personal meaning so I'll explain by them if they don't seem to directly pertain to adoption):

1. To Whom It May Concern - Creed (this song made me think about Mr. B after I placed him because it talks about how time keeps moving even when you're not ready for it to)
2. I Just Close My Eyes - Mark Wills
3. Home to Stay - Josh Groban
4. February Song - Josh Groban (Mr. B's birthday is in February)
5. When You Love Someone - Bryan Adams
6. There You'll Be - Faith Hill
7. The Dance - Garth Brooks
8. Tonight I Wanna Cry - Keith Urban
9. When I Close My Eyes - Kenny Chesney
10. I Can Still Feel You - Collin Raye
11. One More Day - Lonestar
12. What Hurts the Most - Mark Wills (or Rascal Flatts, I personally like the Mark Wills version better)
13. If I Never Knew You - Jon Secada/Shanice (from Pocahontas)
14. How to Save a Life - The Fray
15. Leave Out All the Rest - Linkin Park
16. Baby Mine - Alison Krauss (from Dumbo)
17. The Prayer - Josh Groban
18. Starts with Goodbye - Carrie Underwood
19. Lullabye - Jordan Bluth
20. River Lullaby - from the Prince of Egypt
21. I Give You to His Heart - Alison Krauss
22. Your Guardian Angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus (this was the song I was listening to when I got the first impression I might be pregnant with Mr. B)

I love these songs because they bring me back to holding Mr. B and to all the times I've seen him. I actually have nearly 100 songs on my playlist for him. I also hav a playlist for both of my daughters for my drive to and from nursing school this fall. I've also made a playlist for my husband and one for my dad (who passed away in '94).

What are some songs you do have or would have to listen to when your having a hard day? Do you have any songs that are special for a particular reason? Like the song "So Close" is my husband's favorite song to dance with me. I know he's going to be romantic (which is rare for him) when he turns that song on.

Share your feelings about the benefit of music and any songs you think work with your adoption situation or any other special situation in your life.

*Shanna*

Maintaining a Good Relationship

I was texting Josie's adoptive mom today and it got me thinking. What the heck made our relationship so successful and is keeping it that way? Especially because I struggled so much in the beginning. . .

I was talking to other bmoms and amoms about this recently and here is a list of things I figured out are surefire ways to make it successful and HEALTHY!

1- Maintain healthy and respectful boundaries

    a. I found that if you are respectful of the acouple they will be respectful of you (minus the few freak couples...but if you are freaking out about your couple stop and figure out what you could be doing wrong.)

    b.as stated in an earlier post know when to say when. If you feel you need healing time, Take IT! you will be much happier in the long run even if it sucks for a while.

2-Realize (however unpleasant) that although the child is your flesh and blood he/she is no longer YOURS

    a. yeah, its is not easy to grasp for some people at first but it is important to understand. I have heard many girls that do have a healthy relationship say its like visiting a cousin, niece, or nephew. you have fun when you hang out but you know you will see them again and they know you love them muchas!

    b. most a-couples i have talked to said they felt the need to back off a little because the b-mom or b-dad was trying to be mommy or daddy number 2 and help parent etc. 

3-Be willing to go with the flow

     a. realize that visits may not go as planned. children are unpredictable. children get sick. plans change. don't get butt-hurt.

- -What are your ways to keep your adoption super healthy ???? DO SHARE!!- -

I have come to grips with my adoption; I would never change anything, now three and a half years through it, but there are times that I still struggle. The other day I saw my little guy's birth father and it put knots in my stomach. Now that I'm married and starting my own family, part of me feels that it shouldn't bother me, but it really does. He looked at me, or more likely stared me down, and I suddenly felt a lot of shame. I was standing there with the man I have committed my life to and there was someone else there that knew me before I had had a child. Someone that I would have to say was my 'first love'. Someone that I still felt some emotion towards. My emotion isn't really anger against him and the choices he made. It was hurt for my husband because I felt that in some way I had betrayed him before I even knew him. I felt him tense, watched his face darken, and his arm grip my sides closer. Should I be flattered by this protective behavior or nervous that he doesn't trust me? How would any of you (or have any of you) responded to this?

It's a really small community and since we have moved here, we keep bumping in to him. At first I thought it was coincidence but it kept happening more and more frequently, from him applying for work where my husband works, to him hanging out with people that live in the same apartment complex we live and standing right near our door. My emotions are out of control. Have any of you ever worried about the birth father coming back in to your life? Or making things miserable for you later?

I'm sorry that this post inspirational or thought provoking. ~shanna

Crossing the Line to Co Parenting

Relinquish is an ugly word. It will cut you to the bone. I feel the need to touch on this subject and talk about what it really means. If it just so happens to come off offensive, I am sorry but I am all about honesty.

Open adoption is a fantastic tool that we have nowadays that people didn’t have even as little as 4 years ago. It is a great way to stay in touch and and help you to know that the child you relinquished is growing up happy and developing well. It is also a great way for the adoptee to learn where they came from, their medical history, and most importantly- that they are loved by their birth families.

Unfortunately Open Adoption can also be a toxic relationship if not handled with care and compromise. I am talking about an ever growing trend called co-parenting.

The past few weeks I have been getting emails from quite a few Adoptive Couples talking about how they wanted their birthmothers to be a part of the adopted child’s life but that she was overstepping her boundaries and making it hard for the family to go about their life. It is important for all birthmoms everywhere, at any stage in the journey, to have boundaries that are made between herself and the Adoptive Couple. It is important to remember that you did in fact RELINQUISH your rights. That means you don’t really get a say in how the child is raised and what or how the child is taught... you chose the parents, it is THEIR baby. You can still be a part of the child’s life but you are not Mom #2, you are honestly and truthfully, the birthmother. What you did was something extraordinary, selfless, and sacred. You chose what you felt was best for the baby. I encourage you to remember this as you go throughout your adoption.

I think coparenting is a lot like coming from a divided home. Your parents are in two different households so their parenting styles do not always jive. Having come from a similar situation I know personally this can be detrimental and confusing.

Your boundaries, needs, and wants are going to change. But make sure that you are not stepping on your adoptive couple’s toes. You made such a hard choice; it will not make grieving any easier if you are co parenting. I have asked 12 adoptive couples what they classify as co parenting and I thought it might be helpful to know what to watch for in you.

· Excessive Visits (i.e.  multiple times a week, once a week, etc)

· Excessive phone calls and/or texts (every day or every other day)

· Sharing your parenting style and then asking them to follow it

· Asking to take the child for a certain period of time

· Babysitting- esp on a regular basis

I just think it is important for our healing as birthmothers, to remember that relinquishment is truly relinquishing your rights as a parent.
I love you all! I would love to hear comments! Jessa

Guest Blogger! My Baby Josie's Adoptive Family

Big Brother 1 (BB1)
Big Brother 2 (BB2)
Adoptive Parents (AP)
birth mom: (J) aka (JLBills)
Baby J: Josie

1) what do you remember about the face to face? What about when you found out you were getting a baby?

AP: First of all, we prepared the boys for this first meeting by telling them that we were just meeting J and that she would not make a decision about choosing to place her baby with us that day. That's how we as AP had been advised and prepared by our "social worker". So, with that, we went into the meeting not expecting anything but a get to know each other session. The boys were a little nervous for the face to face, but it comforted them knowing that their cousin (the birthmom's friend) was there. So, when J pulled out a basket full of baby related goodies we were shocked. I don't think any of us including the boys knew what it meant until we found the picture of the sonogram that said Congrats. You're having a baby. I think at that moment the boys had a permagrin on their face. We went out for ice cream after the formalities and that's the part the boys remember.

BB1: I liked going out for ice cream. It was fun getting to know her more and have her ask questions about things we like.

BB2: I liked talking with her and her friends. I loved the picture of the baby. I wanted to take it everywhere with me to show everyone. As soon as we got back to my cousin's house I ran right in there house to show them the picture.

2) Finding out it was a girl?
AP: Once we found out the baby was a girl I wanted to surprised the boys in a fun way. So I bought a PINK baby doll, cute little pink shoes and wrapped them in a package. I told them the gift was something our new baby could use. When they saw the pink and the doll, they knew it was a girl.

BB1: I had been wanting a baby girl for quite a while, so I was excited to be a big brother to a little sister.

BB2: I thought she might be a whiner, but I thought it was cool.

AP: We were elated. AD (adoptive dad) wept.

3) what do you remember about coming down to the hospital? What were your feelings?

AP:The boys were at their grandparents during the delivery. We didn't know for sure if our birthmom would want the boys at the hospital, but she wanted them there the very next day. The boys were stoked to be able to come. The whole experience was new and unknown of course for them, but it helped again that their cousin and aunt were there for most of it.

BB1: I remember talking to J's family and they were really nice to me. I remember J giving me a hug from her bed and then handing me Baby J to hold. I thought her face was puffy, but I loved holding her. She fell asleep in my arms.

BB2: I remember being happy and everyone in the room happy and then this nurse came in and got mad at us for me and my brother being in the room. Then I remember everyone telling the nurse that we were the baby's brothers.

AP: We wanted to be sensitive to J and her need for time with Baby J as well as her family, so we did not bring our boys with us. It made my heart feel so good that she wanted the boys there right away. We were also so appreciative of the time we were able to spend with J's family. We shared a very special experience with them when we came back to the hospital the day after the delivery. The boys remembered very clearly the event with the nurse. Just for explanation, the nurse was just doing her job enforcing the rule that only immediate family members could be in the room. She was apparently not up to speed on the fact that this was an adoption. So, she was quite adamant that the boys could not be in the room. I think it shocked us all when J and her family immediately replied just as adamantly that they were immediate family; they were her brothers. Then the nurse still didn't get it and turned to J and said "You're not old enough for these boys to be yours". Immediate reply: "they are her adoptive brothers." I think at that moment it really hit us and the boys that yes, our boys were her brothers, yes we were going to be her parents and everyone in that room knew and supported it. Great feeling.

BB2: I remember going back to the building where we met J the day after we were at the hospital. I remember giving J a special gift. We got her a build a bear and a necklace and we got one for Baby J too so they matched. I remember J giving me a hug and her mom and dad telling me to take care of Baby J.

BB1: I remember J and her family crying. I hoped they were crying for joy. I was sad for J, but I knew we would take care of Baby J.

3) what do you remember about josie coming home?

BB1: First of all I did not like it the my mom and my new sister did not get to come home with us. School started for me a few days after Baby J was born, so I had to go home. I remember me and my brother and dad calling my mom every night to talk to mom and Baby J and have family prayer over the phone. I was so excited when they finally got to come home.

BB2: I remember our neighbors decorated our house and front yard with a big welcome home sign when my mom finally came home with Baby J. I remember being nervous at first to hold Baby J b/c I was afraid I would drop her.

4) do you ever have to explain to your friends about her being adopted? How do you do it? And does it bug you?
BB1: Some of my friends ask me if my sister is adopted b/c she has different color skin than mine. It does not bug me that they ask unless they ask me over and over. My friends think Baby J is so cute.

BB2: It does not bother me if people ask me if my sister is adopted. After my sister was born I told everyone at school that I had a new sister. My friends think Baby J is cool.

5) what do you feel about josie's birthmom still visiting? How did you feel about coming to her wedding?

BB1/2: It's amazing. She's one of our best friends. It's cool. She gives us hugs. I wouldn't feel weird at all with her around my friends or at church. I would introduce her as my friend and my sister's birthmom.

BB2:The wedding was awesome. I was a little disappointed we didn't get to spend more time with J, but my mom helped me understand that it was her wedding day and she needed to be with all the other people.

BB1: Most people didn't know me and I felt just a bit out of place but I was glad I got to see J again.

AP: I just have to include this cute story. As a family, we had been looking forward to attending J's wedding. My son apparently had been talking about it at school with his teacher and how excited he was to go. When I went in to my son's classroom one day I was visiting with his teacher and she was asking me about our adoption. I was explaining to her that we have an open adoption, that we communicate regularly with my daughter's birthmom and that we were going to her wedding soon. She explained to me that my son has been talking about going on this trip for days and he was so excited to go to "one of his best friend's wedding." My boys absolutely adore J. I am excited for them to be able to tell our daughter about her birthmom and share their experiences with her.

what is an advocate? please comment!

please tell me, what does this lil question mean to you, how would you answer it...

what is an advocate? 

there is no right or wrong answer

many people advocate for all different sorts of things related to adoption. 

some advocate for abolishing all adoption practices, 

some advocate for adoptee rights, 

some advocate for family preservation, 

some advocate for children in foster care, 

some advocate for same sex couples to be able to adopt, 

some advocate for open adoption, 

some advocate for birth father rights, 

some advocate for post placement rights, 

some advocate for themselves because they are hoping to adopt, 

some advocate to rally support, either for or against, 

some advocate to tear down others views, 

some advocate to tell their story, 

some advocate to raise awareness regarding agency practices,

some advocate for respect for birthmothers,

... the list goes on.

so i ask you again, what is an advocate?

i have another question for you to ponder for me:

what is adoption? 

again, no right or wrong answer

one last question.

in regards to adoption, what would you advocate for? why? 

please feel free to message me your answers privately if youd rather not leave a comment here. deshawood at gmail

these thoughts will be compiled anonymously and used by me in preparation for a class im teaching on nov 6th 2010 at 1130 am, in federal way washington, at the families supporting adoption NW regional conference. "SHARE THE GIFT!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

on a related side note, this makes my heart happy. 

mrs international 2010 - adoption advocate
our devine miracle 'miss magic' 

Today I Am Thankful For

Today I realized that not only am I thankful for adoption but I am thankful for MY adoption.
There are quite a few birthmoms who do not have an ideal situation. Sometimes I forget this and take my situation for granted.

It is funny because when I first chose my adoptive couple I never in a million years thought my adoption would turn out the way it did. When I first started out I planned on having a pretty closed adoption, because I thought it would be too hard to see Josie. Now I have come to find out I can have a GREAT relationship with her adoptive parents as well as her. I love seeing them, especially her two big brothers who care for her and spoil the heck out of her. I love seeing her mom do her hair all cute and take her to fun places. I love seeing her dad cuddle her and read her books.

So today I am thankful for My Adoptive Couple. I love them with all of my heart and always will!!

What are you thankful for in your adoption?

open - nothing else matters

thanks to my birthmother sister/friend shelley of adoption connections i was able to find a gem of a blog  - and a particular post especially.  this adoptive mothers words are beautiful, admirable, courageous and beyond full-of-love.

i very much want to give a shout out to her compassion towards the family's who birthed her children, her love for her kids, and therefore her love for their 'other mothers'. she is a fabulous example to all adoptive couples out there and i wish, truly wish, that more will take her words to heart and follow her amazing example.

heres a snippet:
I understand that some would use any of the ample excuses at my disposal as a reason to close an adoption.   Run-ins with the police, active addiction, inappropriate gifts, uncomfortable situations, angry family members, criminal activities are all reasons we hear for closing up relationships.  My kids first parents live complicated, confusing, difficult lives.  That I do not deny. And I love them.  


My love, my overabundant, over whelming, huge amount of pure love for my kids cannot erase their need and desire to be loved by their original parents.  

breathtaking? hell yeah! 

wanna read more??  of course!

it is the amazing wonderful women like this adoptive mom, who demand openness out of love, that give hope and strength to those birthmothers who have been lied to, betrayed, and cast aside by our childrens adoptive mothers. shame on them, for out of love, only good grows.  Jen is proof of that! thank you jen!

Allow Me to Introduce Myself

Hello Friends, Readers, and the General Public.

I realized last night that I have never properly introduced myself and since there seems to be mix-ups all to often about what I do here...Allow me to explain.

My name is Jessa. I placed a little girl for adoption almost two years ago (August 08). I love adoption more then I ever have before. I have been surrounded by adoption since I was very young. Several family members, friends, and neighbors that have been adopted, have adopted, or have placed. When I placed and I was having a hard time I decided that I wanted to do something, I wanted to show the world how much I loved adoption and Why it meant so much to me. I wanted if possible, to reach out to others and help them in any possible way. I decided on a blog. So I enlisted help from a birthmom I met in Oregon (aka birthMOM) and I set off on a journey. To my surprise it took off better then I ever expected! I was delighted. We now have readers from California to New Zealand. Amazing!

This site was originally created for just birthmoms and that is the main focus here. However it ended up being helpful to adoptive couples as well who like to hear the birthmother side. It is so great because I also have been able to better understand adoptive couples. I decided to organize some retreats. I first did an adoptive couple retreat. I had a BLAST! I met so many wonderful people. I got to sit in on the birthmother panel, and watch the adoptive couple panel! So many great people I met that weekend.

So I do not lie on here, sometimes I can be a little harsh on some situations but that does not mean I hate adoptive couples or birthfathers. I understand there are two sides to every story. I understand that open adoption is not for everyone. I know that being a birthmom can bring unbearable grief and unparalleled joy as well.

I do not people bash on here. I do not mention names with out permission from that individual. There are times when I even just write briefly about a person and make sure that its okay to even share their story.

And just in case you cared
I enjoy the color yellow, fettucine alfredo, long walks on the beach, and Chik-fil-A lemonade.

:) I love you all!
Jessa

the perfect piece of jewelry - do tell!

july and august are going to be months of celebration for jessa and myself.

why you ask?
2 yr old birthdays and 2 yr placement anniversaries!! 

to celebrate the birth of our children and their adoptions, we are going to be hosting several giveaways that are exclusive for birthmothers! (thats right, only birthmothers are going to be able to enter these giveaways!!)

we have some great donations but im not going to tell you what they are just yet!
(if you want to contribute or donate a giveaway please email me asap, deshawood at gmail dot com)

BUT i will hint at just one for now..... please check out the r house couture etsy shop. they have quite the shop of adoption themed hand made lovelies - bracelets, necklaces, earrings, t shirts, etc

take a look at their pieces, read the descriptions, the sentiments, the reasons they chose to make the pieces they did, get a feel for their style and their creations..... then..... come back to this post and tell us what you think the perfect birthmother necklace/jewelry would look like, what shapes, what colors, what sentiments, what wordings, what would it 'look' like, what would it represent, what would it 'feel' like. be specific, use details, be creative. remember they are fabulous with incorporating custom ideas.
the three lovely ladies (one two three) behind therhouse couture creations want to know! (hint hint wink wink)

the sooner we get some feedback to therhouse couture, the better, so hurry and look thru the shop and then share your ideas here!

jessa and i are excited and hope you are too!!
this summer is going to be fabulous!!

logo contest UPDATE

its time we have a logo for this website! a logo will better help us network with other adoption sites, create recognition in the virtual adoption community and therefore further extend the outreach to fellow birthmothers. the logo will also be used as a 'button' that can be easily posted on other blogs for quick and easy linkups.

we are asking YOU, our creative and adoption inspired readers, to submit a logo, (or logos if youre creative juices are overflowing!) to add an element of fun, weve made it a contest!

6 logos will be selected that we, the blog administrators, feel best represents adoption, birthmothers, and the positive vibes that this blogsite represents.  then, the world will have their chance to vote on those 6 logos and the winner will be just that, the winner! there is a small prize involved, besides the notoriety that will certainly get you immense recognition for the rest of your life! ;-)

some suggestions, but most certainly not requirements... pink is the awareness color that represents birthmothers, white is the awareness color that represents adoption. also keep in mind this blogsite address is 'birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com' - obviously we promote and celebrate adoption! the blogsite was created as a mechanism to share, support, and connect to other birthmothers. 

details have been changed about the contest. including:
~the deadline to submit logos has been extended to midnight july 3, 2010 MST.  
~there is no limit to how many logos you can submit. but please dont submit 10 different logos that are exactly the same except they are in 10 different colors, or similar situations.
~submit all logo entries to : birthmothers4adoption at  gmail dot com 
~please spread the word on your blog or adoption friendly website encouraging logo entries

thank you readers! we are so excited to see what you come up with! ~desha and jessa
original contest post.

ps. if youre brand new to our blogsite because of promo-4-logo about this contest,  then WELCOME! we invite you to become a blog follower, poke around the archives, perhaps use the labels, read some guest bloggers stories and past articles, comment on things you feel passionate about, ya know - get a feel for 'who and what' this site is and then create away! if you have any questions, just ask!

oh and we are always looking to feature guest bloggers, contact birthMOM (desha): deshawood at gmail dot com if you want to contribute/share on this blogsite!

Its a CONTEST!!!

Hey guys!! I need your help and I am enlisting you! Yes....you with the hair.

I wanna see who can come up with the coolest logo for our site!

Birthmothers4Adoption!!!

All entries need to be in by Thursday night at 5 mountain time

Then I will narrow it down to 6 and the one with the most votes will win!

But what will you win? 30 dollar gift certificate to one awesome place!!

You can email me your logo at
birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com

Hope we get some good entries!!

loving this article

Birth moms deserve our respect 

Why all the conversations about adoption leave out a key player.
~Raina Kelley

Comments

I love everyone's comments on this site. This site is something that I hoped would help people. I do not mind differing opinions. However, I do mind bitter, hateful remarks against adoption. I do mind bitter, hateful remarks towards birthmothers. So I plead to you, if you have a problem with a posting on this site, please direct it to my email birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com. I would be thrilled to discuss it. I do not appreciate being called and incubator, a baby-seller, someone who was tricked, living in fog, etc. I made my choice with full knowledge of the adoption process and I know I am not the only one. Those of you who have terrible adoption experiences to share, my heart goes out to you, I have one of those experiences in my family, BUT THIS IS NOT THE PLACE TO SPREAD HATE!!! If you would like to be a guest blogger and share your whole story email me and I would be happy to post it.

Thanks so much, Jessalynn

while feedback and comments are appreciated and its great to know that there are readers out there, ridiculous accusatory and untruthful statements will not be tolerated aka if a comment is posted in a derogatory context towards members of this site or the birthmother community, it will be deleted by a blog author or administrator.

there is an appropriate way to share your opinion- even if it is an opinion differing from the majority or even if it is 'a negative' opinion. please be mindful.~birthMOM

Opinions...

I would like to know what you guys would like to see on here. .. would you like more question and answers, more birthmother stories, more advice...TELL ME!!! I wanna direct this site to what you guys want to read!! Email me birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com!! Thanks so much!!