It Only Feels Right

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It only feels right that I venture into my 18th year of birth parenthood by blogging about it. I just have so much I want to say, process, and write down. 

18 years ago, I was barely 19 and I gave birth to my beautiful first daughter. 2 days after that, I placed her in the arms of her family forever, signed my rights away and walked out of a room hoping that I would see her again. 

At the time, open adoption was so new. I also at the counsel of others, had originally asked for a semi open adoption. I thought that was the right choice, the right move. For three months I barely made it through mentally and emotionally. I went to group at LDSFS every single week hoping for healing. My friends were college kids too, with no experience in the area, yet they miraculously were able to help me through it the best way they knew how. 

I was receiving little to no emotional help from those I thought maybe would have, I felt alone and isolated. Had it not been for birth parent friends and a few astute close friends, I doubt I would have made it through. 

Three months after placing for adoption, I was given the opportunity to see her in person for the first time. I showed up, scared and excited, near trembling not knowing if this would be the last and only time. Of course, I was a complete emotional mess, cried more than I would have liked. Emotions came from what felt like nowhere, here she was in front of me. Here she was. 

After that, I saw her at six months. Her parents made every effort to involve me in a special ceremony for them. And shortly after that, I met Desha. Desha and I started this blog. At 19 years old I started a blog with a friend, where I healed out loud. With my small world view, my own experience, and my friend doing the same -- Birthmothers4Adoption was born. 

This blog was always met with much opposition. My worldview wasn't always perfect, at times I am sure it was detrimental to some, or painful for others. But I was 19 damn years old, healing out loud. With no handbook. This blog was an open and available journal, where Desha and I waded through the waters of a deeply personal and incredibly unique experience. But this blog brought us friends, experiences, conversations, lessons, and healing. 

Over the years I went to conferences, started adoptive couple retreats, and then around 8 years later started birth mother retreats. What a ride that was. At the same time I was exiting my religion and faith, I was a young mom experiencing deep depression and just searching for healing. The retreats were a DISASTER at the beginning. Complete disaster. Many mistakes were made. I lost people I deeply cared about from things I could have done better, actions I should have taken. I started working with a fuck ass agency that I ended up leaving because I just couldn't agree with how they moved. I was almost crushed to death mentally when a close friend decided to embezzle every penny we had raised, leaving me with the aftermath of having to raise funds, explain the embezzlement, and carry on. I have had people spread lies and rumors about things I didn't do and had my actions deeply mis-characterized. I received death threats, attacks, and had blogs written about me. 

But those who knew me, knew my heart, knew my drive and passion, they stuck with me. And in doing so we carried on those retreats for 10 years. And each one got better and better. It became our favorite time of year. Seeing people we knew and loved, meeting new ones and going from state to state healing out loud. Never claiming to be mental health professionals, only providing a space for people to show up. Those last several retreats were incredible and amazing. Just dreamy. 

Without these friends that have stuck with me through my healing, from a teenager with severe depression and trauma to an adult who is pushing 40 that has invested a great deal of time and energy into her healing I would never be able to confidently be who I am. These friends over the years have called me out when I needed it, taught me great lessons, and made me a better human. 

Through the years, I have continued to see my daughter grow. She is the most incredible and amazing human. Her family and I have had hard discussions. There were times I said hard things on a public stage for everyone to read, there were times I was immature in my communication styles, there were times they hurt my feelings. Yet, we remained committed to a relationship. Their family, is my family. We are deeply embedded in each others lives with transparency, love, and compassion. 

I get the beautiful opportunity that many other birth parents do not, and that is because her parents have kept every single promise they ever made. They have made sure that my daughter knows me and knows my children. Her parents, my family, my friends have at times driven hours out of the way to ensure we see each other in person. 

Now my relationship looks a lot like getting to text nearly daily, sending each other goofy videos, and taking trips together. This summer I sent my son to spend a week with her and her family on their farm. My other daughter aspires to be her. I get to see her grow into the most poised incredible and wonderful woman. Sometimes that means hearing her say hard truths about her feelings on adoption, other times it means answering hard questions. The sheer fact that I get the chance for those moments is a blessing in and of itself. 

I cannot wait for what the future holds, come what may. Hard questions, hard moments and all. We got this. 

For my daughter - you are the reason i worked so hard in career and in community to heal, grow, and succeed. You were my only why for many many years. You are incredible, you are amazing, you deserve only the best in the world. There will continue to be hard things in this world in regards to adoption, race, religion, and more. But you are resilient, strong, and so much better than me at this age. 

For those I've hurt - I only wish for you healing and to know that I am sorry. I am sorry if I disappointed you, offended you, hurt you, That was never meant to be. 

For those who stuck by me - Thank you. Thank you for believing in me. Loving me at my worst, teaching me to be better, and being there for me. You all know who you are. I could never write the full list and feel confident, because I have SO many good people in my life. 

This will be my last ever blog post on this page. It only feels right. Thank you for 18 years of healing out loud. Thank you for 18 years of support, love, compassion, and empathy. 

10 Years In the Journey of a Birth Mother

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After I placed, I was numb. 

Sitting at my moms computer, seemingly cantatonic, clicking through pictures we had taken of Josie the night before. *click* *click* Unable to comprehend the magnitude of what I had just done. Not wanting to consciously process what had taken place a mere 7 hours before. 

I remember walking into my moms room. I don’t remember what I said, I think my body just desperately wanted someone to hold me and tell me that I was going to be okay. That I was going to forget and the pangs of heartbreak, abandonment, and unprocessed grief would subside. 

Aly was with me. We went back to school. The following days were filled with my body repairing itself and my mind destroying itself. She spent nights playing with my hair, helping me talk through the self destruction I was creating around myself with men, trying to distract me in the ways she knew how. 

I went to group every Wednesday, surrounded by women who got me, a time to break down and lose it, and yet, I felt like I had to fake it. Like I had to be happy, like people were counting on me to pull through. My family didn’t want to talk to about her, never brought her up. All I wanted to talk about was her. 

She was everything to me. 

I had pictures of her everywhere. 

I posted about her. 

I read the same blog post with her same pictures from her parents over and over again. 

She consumed my mind. 

Starting Blogging (B4A) and Tied At The Heart (even though it wasn’t called that early on) was my coping mechanism. My way to process my feelings truly. My way to grow and learn. I am so thankful for Desha who was my partner in crime and waded through the waves together with me. 

At times it has been painful to learn. Friends unhappy I went through an angry phase, friends who didn’t like how I felt about the way the church handled it. People who didn’t even know me writing vile things about me on the internet for all to see (including Josie). I kept moving forward. I needed the support, even if I had to build it myself. 

I still have people, people who don’t know me on a personal level, attack me often. By messaging, writing about me, in secret. About 3 months ago, I told myself, I am done, I can’t do it anymore. 

But my friends, the ones who get me, the ones who know my true heart. The ones who see the tears, the weakness, my deep love of God, and my deep loyalty…They pulled me up. They kept me going. They took charge and helped me where I couldn’t help myself. 

Tied At The Heart, is so important to me. Women who place their children for adoption are surrounded by people they can’t talk about their once babies to. They are surrounded by spaces that aren’t safe for divulging their true hurt, happiness, or feelings. They NEED a safe space. God has shown me over and over again that TATH cannot stop. That it is needed, even if in that moment I don’t, others do. 

I am thankful for those who have walked the journey of Tied At The Heart with me. Who have supported us. Come to events. Excused my imperfections and looked upon my true heart. 

If you ever need help or support, of any kind, I am here. I will do my best to support you or to provide resources that can. 

Thank you. 

8 years. Come and gone.

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This year for Josie's birthday, I wanted to look back on my favorite pictures of the adoption journey thus far. I am so thankful for these memories captured on film and for the ones in my brain. :)

I know it seems weird to share a picture of the birth father on here, when many of you know our relationship is/has been...whats the word... tumultous. BUT! he is important to her story. and I like to keep in mind at one time we were blissfully in  love   lust  there was a time we liked each other.

He gave her those beautiful dimples, her perfect hair, and her gorgeous smile. I am thankful for him because of her.

I found out I was pregnant just a few days before going to college. Truthfully, these are 2/3 pictures I have of my pregnancy. I had incredible humans who surrounded me with love during my pregnancy. 

This picture is special to me. Eric was there for me through my pregnancy. He came to doctor's appointments (and embarrassed the crud out of me). He hung at the hospital with me while I got my appendix out. He was there for me when everyone would make rash judgments about my pregnancy. He is still here. The other day he sat and talked to me on a mountain while I bawled my eyes out about adoption. (Don't worry ladies, he is single...I can totes hook you up)

This picture is so tender to me. For a number of reasons. I just remember wanting to memorize everything about the moments I shared with this beautiful girl. I wanted her to remember my face. I wanted her to feel my love. To know that I loved her endlessly. To know that I wanted her. she was wanted. She is wanted. 

Lord knows there are never enough things I can say about Aly. This girl went through and is going through my journey with me start to finish. She has my back. This particular picture.. I make Aly do this pose all the time in pictures because it was one of the very first pictures I have of us...so now it's a Jessa enforced (or forced) tradition. This was me, trying so hard to not fall down and break. This one was me holding back the tears because I felt I had to be strong for everyone else in the room. This was me, being bolstered up by my best friend in the world. 

Right after I had Josie, I was in a state of desperate grieving. I did not know hot handle the feelings I was experiencing. Alyson decided to call our friend Ariel over and we had ourselves a little dance party. But we don't do anything half assed. We dressed up, then of course recorded the little number. If you are interested to see it, it's on my Facebook videos. But i remember in this moment, I was having fun with my friends. I was not sad for a while. I was me. Goofy, carefree, loving me.

After Josie I needed to do something. I joined a flag football team. I love sports, I love being competitive, and I of course like knocking people over in good fun. We went all the way to the championships that semester. I had so much fun. I am thankful for the opportunity I had to feel like me right after my placement. I just needed that experience. 

I didn't see Josie again until she was three months old. This was my first time seeing her since placing her in the arms of her beautiful parents. I cried a lot that visit. I smiled a lot that visit. This was the first time I remember feeling EXTREMELY connected to her mom since choosing them. She was so big, I couldn't believe it. I just remember loving on her. She was/is perfect.

The next time I saw Josie after her sealing was when she 1 year old. My mom came with me to a park and we saw her. It was my mom's first time seeing her since the hospital. This is one of 2 pictures I have of my mom and Josie. and Even though I know this was a forced smile, and my mom didn't want to be holding her, I know she was there supporting me. I know she was pushing through her own pain to be there for me, because she knew it was important to me. 

These are all visits. Just the fact her mom and dad always makes it a priority to see me. To spend time with me. They know that I love the family so much. They have fostered the relationship. 

Which leads me to this picture. I love that Becky loves me. She loves my children. She has always been my champion. There is no fear. Just love. I love that she loves Josie. Io love that she is such an amazing mom. I will forever be thankful for God and Aly leading me to her family. I just could never express the love I have for this woman. 

Through all the memories, this is my all time favorite pictures in 8 years. I love that they were at my wedding. I love that I am so obviously happy, that Josie is smiling like the ham she is in this photo. I love Wes looking at her lovingly. He loves Josie, he supports me in my journey. He has been my constant in this. Josie was so important to me on my wedding day. She was my daughter, Of course I wanted her to be there.  I didn't cry after the ceremony until I hugged Josie's parents. I am so thankful for where this journey has brought us. I can't wait for moment when I see her again this weekend. I cant wait to see the next 8 year roll by. I love this girl. 

How about that free counseling though?

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“Free Lifelong Counseling”

This was splashed everywhere when I was pregnant and going through the adoption process. What that should’ve said was, “Free counseling until you are done placing then we don’t give a damn.” Or “That’s just something we say to sound good.”

8 years ago I placed. I have become friends with hundreds… maybe even thousands of birth parents in that time. Many of them placed through LDS Family Services. Many of them need counseling, and all but a handful are not receiving it.

What happened LDS Family Services?

Excuses that have been told to birth parents:

“You signed a paper saying you would only get 3 counseling sessions”

“You need to be referred by a bishop”

“Sure, we can get you in, How will you be paying."

I heard a few myself when I called in last year for help. I was drowning. Flailing even. I was struggling with so much in my life, and part of it had to do with my adoption. Yet, when I called in for my free lifelong counseling, I was turned away. I was told that I would need to pay for it.

For three days after I got off the phone with LDS Family Services I was devastated, I was angry, and I was confused. Finally, enough rage built up inside of me, I called again. This time…I was not nice.

I sat and yelled at the sweet old lady who works the front desk, I yelled until she heard me for real.

I told her that I know I was no longer an important uterus or baby maker to them, but I needed counseling. I told them that I had placed under the assumption that I was going to have the access to free lifetime counseling. I told them that I don’t care if I wasn’t currently active in the church, that I needed counseling.

I hung up. About 10 minutes later she meekly called me back and asked when I would like to set up an appointment. I started seeing the therapist I am seeing now, free of charge, and she is a life changer. I see her every other week and I finally feel okay.

I got what I needed, but I had to fight.

What about those who are struggling so incredibly bad they don’t have the emotional fortitude to fight for themselves? Why should we have to fight in the first place? And LDS Family Services isn’t the only one who is falling through on their counseling promises. I have heard similar complaints from those who have placed with Bethany, Catholic Charities, and Independent Adoption Center.

Why are agencies failing us? Why even bother promising something you aren’t willing to give?

It should be accessible. To ALL BIRTH PARENTS. Not just the LDS or active ones, because I don’t remember that being an issue WHEN we all placed.

Since my own personal experience, I have helped several other birth parents fight for their counseling. Just another reminder and testament that it is a good thing LDS Family Services is no longer completing adoptions.

If you know of anyone else needing their “FREE LIFELONG COUNSELING”, send me a message and I will help you out! Nobody should feel that hopeless and that discouraged on something that was clearly promised to them over and over again. We have a right to what we were promised. 

Research study/survey for Birth parents. Please share!

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Dear Birth Parents, You are invited to take part in a research study about the experiences of birth parents in the United States who have placed a child for adoption. The study aims to investigate the context and effectiveness of counseling practices offered to birth parents prior to placement. The survey is expected to take approximately 20-25 minutes.

Eligibility: Women and men who have relinquished a child for adoption in the United States during the last 25 years (after 1989) and who are over the age of 18 years of age.

Compensation: If you complete the survey, you will be entered into a drawing to win one of six $100 gift cards when the survey concludes. By following the link below and completing the survey, you confirm that you are 18 years of age or older, have read this document, and agree to participate in the study.

Benefit to You: Your will have an opportunity to speak about your experience. This will help us to identify gaps in existing practices and help us to develop better approaches to helping birth parents through the adoption process.

To participate in the survey, please follow this link (from this document, hold the Ctrl key and click the link OR copy and paste the link into your browser):

http://tinyurl.com/AdoptionOptionsSurvey

Information gained in this survey will be completely confidential. That is, no individuals will be identified in the results or reports that come from the study. If you questions about participating in this study, please contact the researchers directly via email or phone: Elissa Madden, PhD – (254) 723-4545 or adoptionstudy@uta.edu. Please note that this study has been approved by the University of Texas at Arlington Institutional Review Board (IRB# 2016-0174).

We sincerely appreciate your time and effort to help establish better practices and make a difference in the experiences of other birth parents.

Regards, Elissa Madden, PhD, LMSW School of Social Work University of Texas at Arlington

Scott Ryan, PhD, MSW, MBA School of Social Work University of Texas at Arlington Note: If you do not qualify for this study but know someone who might, please feel free to forward this message to them; however, we also ask that you keep the content of the message intact so that birth parents have all of the necessary information regarding the study. Thank you!

Re-Live and Reflect Part Deux

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Part 1 was doozy. I wasn't ready for those emotions and now i see why my therapist is having me participate in this homework.


After all the visitors and the ups and downs of being a mother in the hospital, but also knowing I wasn't. The call came. The call from my caseworker to make sure not to take medications and that she would be there early the next morning.

That night my mom had me send Josie to the nursery. Her intentions were pure, she wanted me to rest, and get sleep. But now i regret it. I wish I had held her those few hours more. I wish that more than anything. Those were my last moments with Josie as mine, and they are gone never to be regained. I also remember wanting so badly that through all these visitors, i wanted her birth father there. She deserved to know he cared about her. why was she not good

The next morning I sat on my hospital bed with Alyson and Eric, my mom was sitting in the chair. We were watching Sweet Home Alabama. all of a sudden my heart...it dropped. I knew it was coming. The moment when i signed the papers to no longer be her mom. I quietly got up from the bed where we were all watching a movie, handing Josie to Alyson, and I went into the bathroom.

I looked into that bathroom mirror and said to myself, "Are you really going to do this? Is this honestly what you are about to do?" And a rush of devastation that I will never be able to accurately describe in words overtook my body as I fell to the floor, my legs buckling beneath me.

I was going to finish writing this post, recounting every detail. And a friend instead encouraged me to just recount the feelings, the raw emotions instead. It may not make sense to some, but for me, it will. And that is who i blog for really, is me. I kind of organized them into a rhythm/poem/whatever.

panic, pain, fear and trust
pleas, prayer, weak and then strong
leaning on others, but all by myself
surrounded by many, yet all alone
stupid papers, stupid pen, stupid words again and again
goodbye to my motherhood, am i sure this is right?
why couldn't i have her
why wasn't i ready
why did i have sex with him
why wasn't he here
this is going to hurt, i know it is
i feel the pain already, still more hours of this
dress her all cute, try and make this "fun"
this isn't fun, it f$%^&$#! sucks
standing in a room of people who want her
peace runs through me
then fear
then panic
then sadness
then peace
we exchange gifts, letters, and words
seems surreal, like I'm floating outside my body
take pictures, these moments will live forever
right now i want time to stop.
i hand her over to her brothers
trying not to cry to be strong for them
i should have cried
i could have cried
i didn't need to be strong for anyone
i needed to cry
i needed to sleep
i needed more time with my baby.
got in the car headed to my moms
sat in my dads truck, making conversation, but really not thinking
thoughts going through my head, yet nothing at all
trying to laugh, but no laughs at all

sitting all night
staring at her pictures
scrolling through again and again
where was she now, i had no clue
i wanted to be holding her
in shock
i couldn't cry, couldn't be mad, couldn't sleep
stayed up all night as if in a dream
my little girl was gone. forever.

went back to my apartment with Aly
was in pain, couldn't use the bathroom
at least now i could cry
stupid kid came over to ask me on a date
i don't want to go on a freaking date
i just had a kid two days ago
WHAT THE DAMN HELL
why doesn't anyone get what's going on
why did i start classes 3 days after giving birth
i cry, i pretend i am okay, i sob, i pretend
i have sex with randoms, hoping it will help
realize i am an idiot
bad relationships
improper grieving
thankful for group once a week
boundaries jessa. you need better boundaries.

3 months in I see her
finally feel some peace
she is happy, she is okay
her parents aren't going to keep her from me.
6 months in i see her
i feel better still
i start my blogging journey
and meet my future husband

Re-live and Reflect

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Lately i have been having a very difficult time with life in general. This whole year has been kind of a wreck. I am lucky enough to work an incredible job, have started my non profit, and have children and a husband who are understanding. Those things, those are all fantastic. But this year, has come with great challenge.

Because of my challenging year I have sought therapy again, just once a week to air out my feelings, get feedback, and to remember that this adoption journey...is a journey. Life...is ever changing. There are ebbs and there are flows. It will never always be perfect and it will never always be wonderful.

I was so blessed and lucky to have a counselor that I finally love and adore. She is AMAZEBALLS. Any who, one of the things she asked me to do was to re-write my feelings on placement. Reason being she knows writing is cathartic for me and I enjoy it, and she thinks that i may need to just go through those feelings once again 7.5 years later. So below is my placement story. this is going to be raw, unfiltered, and vulnerable. This is me as clear as you will get it.

When I chose to place, it did not come easy. I knew it was what my mother and my bishop wanted me to do, but was it what I wanted to do. After much thought, research, prayer, and discussion with myself, i decided it was what i felt was best. My baby belonged in a different family and that was a hard pill to swallow. I had always loved kids, I had always wanted to be a mother, but now was not my time.

There were several reasons I did choose adoption. Most if not all are too personal and for me too discuss with Josie, but they were real legitimate reasons.

I chose the couple and I remember feeling it throughout my whole body, that this was her mom and this was her dad and those adorable chubby faced, dimpled kids, they were her brothers. I KNEW IT. I KNOW IT.

Now i am ready to talk about it.
The hospital.
placement.
grieving afterwards.
it was dark. it was difficult. and i know very strongly what it feels like to break your heart.

I woke up early on August 20, 2008 ready to be induced. I was oddly excited. Alyson played a mash up (because mash ups were all the rage), of Let's Get Ready To Rumble. We danced. But while we danced i felt it. Sheer panic. Panic in my heart, that the time had finally come. I wanted time to stand still, and at moments, it felt like it did.

We drove to my mom's hotel in town, it was the hotel behind the 7-11 on 400 North. We went to the continental breakfast and I ate. I knew I wasn't supposed to, but my mom who had 6 kids before, told me to go for it and just eat light. I was glad. As we sat through breakfast i vaguely remember joking about certain things unrelated and related to child birth, but in my heart i remember feeling that panic. the panic of the unknown. the panic of the fact that i was about to give birth and i was only just barely nineteen years old. panic realizing that i had just spent the last 9 months as a vessel for a child {{who the hell had that idea? I was so irresponsible. I mean damn, i think i ate sooooooo much crap. }}

We all got in the car and drove over to Logan Regional. I walked up to those huge glass sliding doors and Alyson, my mom, and I rode the elevator to the second floor. They walked us into the room. They had me undress into a hospital gown, and my mom took a picture, it was my last picture of me pregnant with Josie.

I climbed into bed, they hooked me up to all the monitors, started my IV, and it began. the labor process began. Honestly, no matter how hard i try i don't remember a lot between that and the birth. I remember Aly sitting in the bed with me a lot watching movies with me. She was so diligent to make sure i was taken care of. I remember my mom spending her time there with me. I *think* I remember Josie's parents coming to visit me. I remember my bio dad and my step dad being there intermittently in the room (but who wants to be around all that madness anyways lol). Finally, it was time to start pushing.

Originally I had wanted her parents in there, but the pushing itself took hours...not minutes..hours. the actual pushing. Aly and my mom held my legs as i pushed, part of me didn't care to try very hard because part of me didn't want her here yet. I was shaking, i needed oxygen, i was crying, i threw up. My doctor threatened me with a c-section so i finally got my shit together yelled at the doctor to "get her out of me", and she came out. At 11:18 pm. My body literally had no ounce of energy left in it, her and my family stood in the hallway, and a her cries were heard. I don't remember what her cries sounded like. I wish now i was more coherent so i could retain that memory. I remember I had to get 56 stitches. The doctors and nurses were cleaning everything up and they pushed the little bassinet over to the door so everyone could see.

One thing I do remember very clearly, is laying on that hospital bed, my body recovering from the traumatic birth experience. My eyes could barely open and I could hardly move. I remember seeing her mom and dad stand next to my bedside holding that perfect little girl. I remember seeing the love in their eyes for her. the love for me. and feeling the love of God above permeate that room. There was love.

The next day was also a blur. I regret that I had so many people come to visit. I wish I had taken more time for me to just enjoy being her mom. But I am that kind of person, i didn't want anyone to feel shorted. I had family, friends, etc all come and love on her. She was a busy newborn. I am glad all that happened, but I wish so badly i would've taken more time for just me and my Josie. more time to just hold her and love on her. to talk to her. to smell her. to feel her chubby thighs. to look into her pretty eyes. I needed that time, and I did not give that time to myself.

Even thought i didn't give myself that time, I know she knew she was loved. She had to have been able to feel that love throughout her entire body. She was so fresh from heaven above, she knew how loved, wanted, and cared for she was. 

Then her brothers came to meet her. Her brothers are very important in my adoption story. The minute I chose to place with them, they were my brothers. They are my little brothers and nobody NOBODY ever mess with them. They mean the world to me and I love them endlessly. At one point while they were there to visit, we had a silly altercation. 

K&L walked in to meet their baby sister that they had waited for. Enter mean nurse. She says *think grumpy old witch voice from one of those scary old kid shows* "Only siblings are allowed in here." 

Me *in my shocked but, immaboutta get grumpy, voice, " they are her siblings" Then we continued the altercation where she accused me of being too young to have them, we explained adoption and i tried to not throat punch her. And in they came to finally meet their baby sister without the stupid wench in our way. 

This was their sister. I felt it in my heart. from the minute those smiles started and those dimples emerged, this was their sister. They loved her instantly. And my heart stopped. I think it was at this moment i realized just how much this was really going to hurt and just how much this really needed to happen. My heart didn't want to say good bye to that happiness, that feeling of being her mom, that feeling of showing everyone MY cute baby, my perfect daughter. 

She was now their sister, their daughter, and my birth daughter. 

And then i saw this: 

This was her daughter. I chose her to be her mother. Josie was meant for her all along. This is her baby. This is the baby they had prayed for. She was going to stay up late feeding her, comforting her, and singing to her. She was going to teach her how to be a young woman, how to learn for herself, how to trust her gut, and how to love others. Josie was meant for B. I know that as this moment happened, angels were wrapped around me and God was simultaneously hurting desperately and smiling joyfully. I now understood what an oxy-moron was. It was bitter of all the bitter. It was the nastiest damn dark chocolate I have ever tasted. But it was also sweet pure joy, not to be matched by any other. 

These two moments above were the "beginning of the end for me"

To Be Continued.