Friday, November 27, 2015

Re-Live and Reflect Part Deux

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Part 1 was doozy. I wasn't ready for those emotions and now i see why my therapist is having me participate in this homework.

After all the visitors and the ups and downs of being a mother in the hospital, but also knowing I wasn't. The call came. The call from my caseworker to make sure not to take medications and that she would be there early the next morning.

That night my mom had me send Josie to the nursery. Her intentions were pure, she wanted me to rest, and get sleep. But now i regret it. I wish I had held her those few hours more. I wish that more than anything. Those were my last moments with Josie as mine, and they are gone never to be regained. I also remember wanting so badly that through all these visitors, i wanted her birth father there. She deserved to know he cared about her. why was she not good

The next morning I sat on my hospital bed with Alyson and Eric, my mom was sitting in the chair. We were watching Sweet Home Alabama. all of a sudden my heart...it dropped. I knew it was coming. The moment when i signed the papers to no longer be her mom. I quietly got up from the bed where we were all watching a movie, handing Josie to Alyson, and I went into the bathroom.

I looked into that bathroom mirror and said to myself, "Are you really going to do this? Is this honestly what you are about to do?" And a rush of devastation that I will never be able to accurately describe in words overtook my body as I fell to the floor, my legs buckling beneath me.

I was going to finish writing this post, recounting every detail. And a friend instead encouraged me to just recount the feelings, the raw emotions instead. It may not make sense to some, but for me, it will. And that is who i blog for really, is me. I kind of organized them into a rhythm/poem/whatever.

panic, pain, fear and trust
pleas, prayer, weak and then strong
leaning on others, but all by myself
surrounded by many, yet all alone
stupid papers, stupid pen, stupid words again and again
goodbye to my motherhood, am i sure this is right?
why couldn't i have her
why wasn't i ready
why did i have sex with him
why wasn't he here
this is going to hurt, i know it is
i feel the pain already, still more hours of this
dress her all cute, try and make this "fun"
this isn't fun, it f$%^&$#! sucks
standing in a room of people who want her
peace runs through me
then fear
then panic
then sadness
then peace
we exchange gifts, letters, and words
seems surreal, like I'm floating outside my body
take pictures, these moments will live forever
right now i want time to stop.
i hand her over to her brothers
trying not to cry to be strong for them
i should have cried
i could have cried
i didn't need to be strong for anyone
i needed to cry
i needed to sleep
i needed more time with my baby.
got in the car headed to my moms
sat in my dads truck, making conversation, but really not thinking
thoughts going through my head, yet nothing at all
trying to laugh, but no laughs at all

sitting all night
staring at her pictures
scrolling through again and again
where was she now, i had no clue
i wanted to be holding her
in shock
i couldn't cry, couldn't be mad, couldn't sleep
stayed up all night as if in a dream
my little girl was gone. forever.

went back to my apartment with Aly
was in pain, couldn't use the bathroom
at least now i could cry
stupid kid came over to ask me on a date
i don't want to go on a freaking date
i just had a kid two days ago
why doesn't anyone get what's going on
why did i start classes 3 days after giving birth
i cry, i pretend i am okay, i sob, i pretend
i have sex with randoms, hoping it will help
realize i am an idiot
bad relationships
improper grieving
thankful for group once a week
boundaries jessa. you need better boundaries.

3 months in I see her
finally feel some peace
she is happy, she is okay
her parents aren't going to keep her from me.
6 months in i see her
i feel better still
i start my blogging journey
and meet my future husband

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