Monday, November 2, 2009

what do you want to know?

hello birthmothers! hello other adoption supporters!

what are some things you are curious about regarding - adoption, open adoption, closed adoption, failed adoption, pregnancy, placement, relinquishment, post placement contact, feelings/emotions, labor/delivery, picking a couple, choosing a name, choosing which outfit to send the baby home in, grief, moving forward in life, coping mechanisms, sentiments, ways to cherish memories, gifts to give, gifts we have received, etc

so what do you want to know that can be answered by us birthmom bloggers. we are not 'all knowing', but we do have experience and lots to share with each other, sometimes its just easier to be prompted a little bit!


Karine said...

ok I will start with my question....
I am not sure if on the first meeting if I should bring a gift. I don't know the birth mom. When I give her gifts, I would like to know her so I can make it personal :) Wouldn't giving a gift the first time we meet make her feel like she has to pick us? Like pressure? What are acceptable first time meeting gifts?
We have an idea of what we want to do on the day we bring the baby home for our birth mother. We are having so much fun putting a basket together of very thoughtful and loving gifts. Are there any you suggest?

Helen said...

I also have a question about gifts after placement. We give gifts on our daughter's birthday and on birthmother's day, but run out of ideas. What are some of your favorites?

Another question: Did you get professional photos with your birth child? Did the adoptive couple pay for it?

Karine said...

OK I have two questions
When is birth mothers mothers day? Is there a different day than regular mothers day?
Second... how much is ok to express while finding, in a blog that a birth mother could be reading? Example.... longing, excitement... worries, all the feelings the adoptive parent is feeling while hoping to be chosen and in the finding stages? Should we say how we are feeling anywhere? To give them a sense of who we are? Or should we just do that privately?

Helen said...

I have another question:
Can adoptive couples send too many letters, emails, photos? When our birth mother doesn't respond, it makes me wonder if we are sending too much....

luvz_luv said...

has n e ones aparents not followed through with the contact they had promised? if so how do you handle and cope with that?

does the hurt and pain ever go away? mayb when they turn 18 and the aparents cant keep u from them n e more?

what about having more children after placement? what are ur fears? promblems that uve come across? joys?

whats the best coping method when u feel overwhelmed with guilt and sadness? lonliness? anger? anything?

my bdaughters almost 10. i placed her at 2 1/2 yrs old. i thought by now it would b easier.

any advice is welcomed pls.

thank you

Anonymous said...

I'd like to know how other birthmoms celebrate birthday's, holidays or their child? Did you have a pregnancy/adoption journal? Did you keep things from the hospital, if so what? How are you doing today and how long ago did you place?

Tamra said...

Karine, my A-fam brought flowers to our meeting and i thought it very sweet. i didn't question their sincerity whatsoever or feel manipulated. my fam always gave me sweet gifts but the truth is it didn't matter at all what they gave me. it's the meaning and feeling behind those trinkets that give them value.
birthmother's day is the Saturday before mother's day.
in my opinion, i think you should express your whole self and share your experience. it make you real. and it'll will do the birthmoms who see it good. i wish i had known then what i know now about the journey from your perspective. it gives our journey more meaning. i feel i could've supported Debbie (A-mom) so much better if i understood all the experience and emotion that brought our paths together.
just be you, don't worry too much about the little details. being honest is the most important part, so the birthmom and baby that are meant for you can find you

Tamra said...

Helen, as stated above, i always received fairly simple gifts and, for me, it was perfect. i never felt as though they were trying to "pay me back". they were just showing that they love me, they're grateful to have me in their lives, and they remember me.
it's such a cliche but i LOVE my locket! some things i've seen that i thought were great is matching jewelry for you and her, or you and her and the baby. adoption books, meaningful art. you could make a video with your pics and significant music. i think professional photos are an awesome idea, but for me, i'd want a pic with the whole fam as well as the baby.
in regard tou your other question, NO! you can never send TOO much! i didn't write back like i wanted to. sometimes it was just too hard. sometimes i didn't know what to say. sometimes i felt i wasn't doing well and i wanted them to be proud. but i ALWAYS treasured EVERY correspondence!
communication is key, let her know how you're feeling and ask if she needs you to adjust?

Tamra said...

luvz_luv, i haven't dealt with that. i'm so sorry. it would break my heart if i ever felt they didn't trust me or no longer had room for me in their lives. do you know what's been so healing for me? get involved, your experience, painful as it is can be so useful to those preparing to adopt as well as the birthmoms who will choose them. they need to know about the pain caused by broken promises. they need to know the difference their love can make. they need to see birthmoms and hear our stories so they'll see, we're real people just like them.
bless your heart, i'm so sorry. pray their hearts change. miracles happen

birthMOM said...

thanks for asking! great questions! keep them coming!!

thanks to tamra and shanna for already answering a few of them!

im going to wait a bit longer, see if we can collect some more Q's and then i will send out the questions to all the birthmothers i know so that we get a whole slew of answers from a variety of different perspectives and experiences!

Anonymous said...

HI! For our first meeting, my Amom did bring a present. I was not expecting anything at all. It was a pretty journal. She pulled a matching one out of her purse and said she already started writing in hers. I thought it was a perfect personal gift that was not threatening in any type of way. The journal itself was beautiful. As soon as I got home, I started writing in it about out lunch. She also gave me a little book mark with it.

I could never have too much coorespondance. I love every bit of info I get. It helps me to know I did a good thing. It reaffirms my decision everytime she thinks of me, to include me in the life of this baby.

Always be honest about your feelings. I was not looking for a cookie cutter version of adoptive parents that you see on billboards or in magazine articles. I wanted real people with real issues to parent this child. I wanted to know they feel the same array of emotions I feel. That was so important to me. When the Amom would tell me she was scared to death...I needed to know that because so was I. People can tell when other people are "fake" or even just holding back their emotions. It is hard to trust people like that.

For special occasions, I try to give personal gifts. I am giving a birthmom kids book to my birthdaughter for her 1st birthday in a couple of weeks. I gave her a special bracelet for Christmas, and her first rosary for her christening. Also for her baptism, I gave her a bonnet that turns into a hankerchief for her wedding. That was a tear jerker for me. I want her to know I am always with her in spirit throughout her life.

birthMOM said...

do you have any specifics that you would change about your adoption experience had you to do it all over again? for ex pics, gifts, placement sentiments, communication, etc

do you have any 'if i knew then what i know now' thoughts that might help others with similar albeit hypothetical situations?

if you did NOT name your child in the hospital, how come you chose not to?

if you DID name your child in the hospital why did you choose to?

what are your top 5 high moments and your top 5 low moments of your adoption experience?

~desha said...

did you feel prepared for placement/relinquishment and the first year(s) after placement? if so, what did you do before hand to prepare. if not, what would you recommend for others. did you think you were and then realized later that you werent?

who have you not told about your adoption and why? who have you shared your adoption with and why? at what point were you comfortable talking freely (if ever) about your adoption experience?

have you had a visit or even a reunion since placement?

what do you feel are reasonable boundaries for a birthmother as far as writing to your child, sending gifts, giving money, unplanned visits/phone calls/texts, etc?

is your birthchild old enough to know who you are? briefly explain if possible.

how do you cope when the adoptive couple doesnt follow thru on commitments they made with contact after finalization?

Anonymous said...

I want to know simple ways to cherish memories of my birthdaughter. I am not creative at all!! lol Do any birthmothers out there have any ideas for me to cherish my memories of all the pictures I have of my birthdaughter???

Karine said...

We have been putting a special basket together for the day we place. We have put very personal items in it :) That are from each of us that makes it personal. We want to give a locket to our birth mom. We have found one that has three places for pictures when you open it. On each side the moms pictures could go (hers and mine) and then in the middle is a little heart where we could put the babys.
Is this ok? Like do you think she will want my picture in it? Or should I just get a locket where her picture and the babies can go? I need honest input. No we have not been chosen yet. But I really love the one with three picture spots. Its so pretty. Its a heart. I was even thinking of enscribing BOTH HIS MOTHERS LOVE on it ..

debs life said...

My adopted couple gave me a beautiful bougue of flowers and an angel precious moments. I couldn't have asked for something better. They didn't know me on a personal level either. I would absolutely bring a gift on the first meeting, after all the birthmom is giving you the greatest gift of all and she hardly knows you ;)

debs life said...

Karine, WONDERFUL! My adopted couple gave me a ring with an opal in it which was Anna's birthstone. I love the idea of a locket with your picture it in it awesome, so personable, its symbolic of you eternal connection with your birthmom. Inscribing would be an excellent idea, you are good! Keep it up!

Anonymous said...

How do you move forward when the parents of my child are? I know we all need to so they can be a family. I would love their daughter to wear one of those I love my birth mother shirts but I don't know if it would help my child. Do you know what I am trying to say?

debs life said...

Helen! NO, you can't send too much! No such thing ;)

Karine said...

Anonymous, I wanted to just say HUGS!!!!!!
I have no clue from a birth mothers point of view but from a womans point of view and a hopeful adoptive mom, I would find a circle of friends that support you and can help you in this time! Someone that will listen to you, hug you and love you thru it all.
Are you trying to say you want her to know where she came from? That she is loved, that you still deserve to be a part of her life? Because those are the thoughts that came to my mind when I read what you wrote. To me, you do deserve to be apart of her life. She needs to know where she came from who she is... that is why I am going to have an open adoption. Its about the child. HUGS! HUGS HUGS!!!!

Karine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
luvz_luv said...

if i knew then what i know now id have tried to get things put in writing. such as updates. visitation. etc.
id have gotten lots of counseling. before, during, and after.

i did name my baby in the hospital bc i chose to keep her. financial and family reasons made it impossible to do so after a while.

top 5 high-
1-knowing shes in a place where she can get everything she needs that i could never provide
2-seeing her happy n healthy

top 5 low
1-the pain
2-crying myself to sleep
3-the guilt
4-wishing things were diff n i coulda kept her
5-bad dreams


yours truly-

no i wasnt prepared. i was depserate to find a place for my daughter. i had nothing and couldnt even take care of myself financially at that point. i felt i had no choice. no family help. nothing.

at 1st i didnt tell n e one. i didnt want to be judged. for people to make mean comments to me. now i tell basically everyone. i dont feel like its my 'dirty little secret' n e more. i wa ssuprised at 1st how well ppl reacted. not everyone knows still.

after placement i saw her 3-4 times a yr up until about 3 1/2 yrs ago. no visits. barely n e pix.

i dont think unplanned visits r a good idea. besides its just plain rude.
as for gifts i think its good for bparents to send them. same with letters/cards. as long as they r appropriate.
giving $ i dont know. holidays n bdays r diff than just randomly giving $. i think that should b discussed with the aparents. texts n calls. as long as approprate i c nothing wrong with them.

yes shes old enough to know me. i had her for 2 1/2 yrs of her life. n she's almost 10. i send her a card every week. have for yrs.

im not sure how to cope when they dont follow through. been working on that the last 3 1/2 yrs now. it hasnt gotten n e easier for me. i looked for support groups but found none where i am. ive emailed the amom. didnt do much good. just got a response i didnt like (wasnt mean or n e thing). i cry a lot. have bad dreams.


to cherish pix....depends on how much $ u have. u can pay someone to make scrapbooks for u. or have them put on disk in a slideshow with music. or just have a pecial photo box/tote for all of ur memories.


*hugs* to all

Mariel Conrad (Hansen) said...

I had a question, i was wondering if i could put my story on here. I just gave birth to my son last week. Thanks!

birthMOM said...

mariel - of course! email me your story and whatever pics you want to share and we'll post it as a guest blogger! thanks for sharing!
deshawood at gmail dot com

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