Thursday, March 25, 2010

Wondering, Reasoning, and Concluding!

I have been thinking a lot about adoption lately. (not a big surprise) I have realized recently that I have kind of suppressed my feelings of grief towards my adoption. I have no doubt that I made the right choice, but it can still hurt. I have been ignoring my feelings of grief for a while, but I realized that I need to finally let them out. Seeing as how this is a site for birthmothers I fell its all right to share them here.

I love that sweet baby girl who changed my life. I love the family she is with and sealed to for time and all eternity. I love where my life is right now. Yet, I feel an overwhelming sense of wonderment lately. It began when I was talking to my mom she was asking me about the adoption and Josie. She asked how I feel about it and asked if I regret it. I responded that I did not regret it and I feel like she is where she belongs. Then my mom somehow brought up that one of my parents said at the hospital that I should keep her and that they talked about it. 
This statement actually kind of struck me in the weirdest way. I was kind of dumbstruck.

I began to think

What if I had kept her?
What if she was here now?
How would things be?

If I had kept her I would have several problems, I would not be able to care for her the way a baby needs. A baby needs and deserves two parents. A baby also needs at least one parent there. If I had her I would have to work at least 40 hours a week to support ourselves. I would hardly even get to see her myself. I would then have to make sure she had proper childcare and then I would worry about her the whole time. I have experienced a single parent home, childcare, the whole nine yards. It is not fun. Did I survive, yes. Was it enjoyable, NO!! 

On top of the work hours and childcare and the financial situation, I would also have to watch her deal with the birthfather. He is not an outstanding member of society, in fact he is a pretty crappy member of society. (I know it was my fault for choosing someone like that. ) Even though I shouldn't have chosen him, I did. He would have caused a lot of hurt and pain in that little girls life. An innocent sweet little girl who did not deserve that kind of pain. That is not fair to her either.

After all of this logical reasoning I reassured myself that I made the right choice. She is now in a home with fantastic parents, amazing siblings, and a spirit in their home that can not be duplicated. She is loved by so many, she is cherished by many, most of all she is sealed to this family for time and all eternity. That is the most beautiful gift of all! 


Amanda said...

Oh Jessa, I love you!! Just remember that even though you are sure you made the right decision it is still okay to be sad and think of "what might have been". I think that is what we need to heal. It's impossible to just pretend we are okay and "move on with life" in a way as though we aren't hurting. I think no matter how much time passes you will still have your occasional days and there is always going to be those moments of wonder, and that's okay. Hang in there and know that no matter what the situation I love you and it's okay to cry. :)

Karine said...

I think your amazing! So strong and I think all those thoughts are natural for you to think about once in a while!
I hope when you do find yourself crying, you have someone close by to hold you and wipe your tears or just to let you know your not alone! :)
Thank you for all you are! For sharing your thoughts, for you honesty and for being my friend!
Thanks again for sharing your story on my blog!
Love ya!

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