Thursday, April 29, 2010

"We are like Soldiers"

The article below was written by a very close friend of mine. I have watched Paige struggle and grow through her adoption journey, but throughout it all she has constantly stayed strong (even in the hardest of times) and sought for happiness in her times of tears. I love her deeply and feel that her words could help many. Her story is special  and I felt a great desire to share it with you. With permission from Paige, here are her words:

The word Birthmother doesn’t mean much to just the normal person on the street. To me it has a significant meaning. Sometimes I say that I was just an instrument in God’s hands to deliver a child to a family who could not have their own. I am truly blessed to be a Birthmother; it is one of the most precious things in the world. Not only did I bring a beautiful boy into this world but I also gave him a family I couldn’t give him. My adoption is far from perfect and promises broken but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I remember the first part of the grieving process; it was only a couple days after placement, just thinking what have I done? I was in so much emotional pain that I wanted to take my decision back. I would just lay in bed with my whole body just aching, feeling like there was nothing left for me to live for. I wanted my little boy back. 

We are like soldiers. We are wounded in a battle where we are trying to make a better life for someone else. We will always have the emptiness in our heart that wants to be filled. We will always wonder what that child is doing every single day. It was like getting my heart ripped out of my chest and having people tell me to just move on. How can a body live without a heart? That’s what I felt like without my baby. I try to look back on those few months after He was born and it is very blurry. I know my Heavenly Father carried me through those first couple months; I was not there alone nor am I now. All the promises my adoptive couple made to me were gone as soon as they got that precious child into their arms. They didn’t remember me or how they got there first son. I did not receive a single picture or letter for the first three months of his life and that killed me. During this time I remember being so hurt and betrayed. Not only did they not care about me but they took every part of me that was worth living for. Months were bumpy from then on and still are. Promises are still broken frequently and I have learned to not trust in everything they say. I struggle with it some days but being almost four years down the road I can look back and realize it was a miracle that things worked out the way they are. 

Four years ago I would have never dreamed of something like this being a part of my life. Adoption was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced in my life and it is definitely something I would not wish on my worst enemy. But I am privileged to still have a relationship with my little boy. I don’t see him as much as was promised before he was born but I still see him about three times a year. Those times are the most fulfilling in my life. I get to see his little personality shine through and warm so many lives! He will look at me sometimes like “I know you somehow” but just can’t quite figure it out. He is not old enough to understand who I am yet so to him I am just Paige. But he calls my parents grandma and grandpa and my sister and brother aunt and uncle. I strive to be a better person because of that little boy that came into my life. I know he wouldn’t want me to be miserable and not doing anything with myself. I can’t wait for the day until he is old enough to realize what a Birth mother is to him and how much his Birthmother loves him. 

I have met a lot of adoptive couples and I realize that not all of them tell their birth mom only what they want to hear. Most are genuinely sincere and I wonder to myself WHY did I have to feel so strongly about the couple I chose that has put me through more heartache than needs be? I have found my answer, God knows me and knows what I can and can’t handle and for some reason he knew I could handle the pain and heartache and learn from this experience.

 Boston is meant to be in their family, He just had a different route in getting there. Maybe just maybe there is more to the story than that, maybe there is more learning to come when I go to start my own family. Or maybe it is as simple to where I need to share my story to other adoptive parents. To show them that we as birth mothers hang on their every letter, picture, phone call or email. We really live for every ounce of communication we have with our children that are now your family 

“Time does not heal all wounds; time just lessens the pain we feel from those wounds.”

                          -Article by Paige Hansen published here by Amanda 


Anonymous said...

I really haven't dived into this site yet and it's been awhile since I have connected with the adoption world. I'm interested in coming back and reading though some of these posts and realizing that there are others out there that feel the same way I do, even though I know there are.

GrittyPretty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I happened across this site and yours is one of the first posts that I've read - my heart aches for you. I am blessed to have adoptive parents who followed through, their words and actions have been consistent - I cannot imagine what would've happened if they hadn't been.

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