Monday, November 15, 2010

The Other Side

On March 10th of this year my sister and her husband (we'll call them J & W) were blessed with a beautiful 6 month old baby boy. They received news from LDS family services just a week earlier that there were just too many couples to birthmothers and they were encouraged to search out other adoption agencies. Well they searched around and came across an agency very close to their home. From there things moved quickly. On Tuesday night they were told there was a birthmom that was living out of her car in Texas with her 4 year old little girl and little boy and had found herself at a loss and felt it best to place her son for adoption, well by Wednesday afternoon this girl had flew to them and placed her son in my sister and her husbands arms. We were over joyed!!! J & W had been waiting for SO long for this extreme gift and finally it was here. My mom and I hurried down and spent the next few days buying baby stuff for J and getting the nursery ready. Our hearts fell for this little boy and we were all so in love. Well to make what could be a very long story short, our hearts were broken on March 16th.

J & W received a phone call from the agency and were told that the birthfather had obtained an attorney and was fighting for his son. Apparently the birthmother had lied about her situation and the involvement of the birthfather in this precious baby boys life and he was stopping the adoption. Such shock and horror! On March 19th my sister and her husband handed back who they thought and had started to love as their baby boy, and together as a family we wept. We still cannot understand why this girl would choose to lie about the situation and we have so many unanswered questions, but our hope is that at least D (the sweet little guy who was placed in their arms) is being taken care of and will find all the love and joy he deserves in his life. We have been overwhelmed as a family for the support that has been shown towards J and W and even more so as the stories have rolled in from other couples who have experienced situations such as these themselves. It is shocking to me that this happens so often and so heartbreaking to think of the emotional roller coaster these long anticipating parents have to go through. 

Amazingly J and W have stayed strong in their faith and have a hopeful attitude. We do not yet understand why this baby boy was a part of our lives for a short 8 days but I know he will always have a part of us and will surely forever be in our hearts. Someday we might understand and are prayerful that J and W will be blessed with the child they have been waiting for all these years. They have such an amazing understanding of the sacrifice that a person has to make for their home to be filled and an even more amazing understanding that to find happiness they have to open up their emotions for heartache. 

I wrote this post on my personal blog several months ago. Since this post my sister and her husband have had their faith tested but through it all they have been blessed. Just 2 weeks after saying goodbye to D another baby boy was placed into their arms. The placement of their sweet E was not an easy one and for 2 weeks after they weren't completely sure things were going to pan out. They of course were on pins and needles. 

Being a birthmother myself, and even knowing about my sister and their infertility, it is quite easy to forget about the other side of the story, that of the adoptive couples. I once was in a birthmother support group when one of the expectant woman voiced that it was "unfair" for us to even think of placing our children into another's arms. To her it was unfair because we had to go through all this heart ache and pain but these adoptive couples didn't have to go through anything. They just got to take our babies and "walk away". 

Infertility is not easy. It is a pain I myself dealt with for 3 years. The fear and unknown answers of "will I ever be able to have a child of my own again" were heart wrenching. My sister had dealt with the knowledge of her infertility since she was 16 years old. Her option to be pregnant with a child of her own blood was taken from her and she never had another choice. 

Going through the heart ache of their adoption story with my sister has made me realize how much we need to acknowledge the pain the other side goes through. Of course it can't replace our own hurt and tender feelings but often it is hard to keep in sight. I know for most of us and certainly in my own personal adoption story I am very aware of the happiness I brought to one family when I placed T into their arms, but never did I recognize, until now, the healing that came with it. 

There are always 2 sides to a story and I for one want to try every time I am angry with my adoptive couple or upset with my sadness of missing T to be strong and remember that I have not gone through it alone and in the end it really has been worth it. 

Just this past month I was able to be there with my sister and her husband as their adoption was finalized. The joy I saw on their faces when their baby boy was "officially" theirs was unbelievable. My heart was overwhelmed with love for them. E is so happy in their home and is so naturally theirs. I have such a respect for them and the whole circle of adoption. I wish I could share all my feelings and thoughts on my sisters story, but that would be a novel. 

The morning of J & W's finalization my sister shared the song below with my mother and I. It brought me to tears, not just because it explains my sisters feelings for her son in every way imaginable but it also expressed my feelings for T and the love I feel for her. Each and every day I think of the little girl I placed for adoption 6 years ago this February. And although things are still hard and I often have my days of tears and total heart ache, I would still "do it all over again". 

Please take the time to listen. 

If you would like to read more on my adoption story you can find it here:  My Story


birthmothertalks said...

I am so proud of your sister for not thinking with her heart and fighting for the first baby boy that was places in their arms. It's a sad story but they did what was right. Congrats on the adoption of E. I know the adoptive parents hurt too. It's how they channel that pain that counts.

Devin said...

LOVE that song. Thanks so much for sharing this adoption story. So tender! I'm glad things ended up working out for your sis. and her family. Adoption is definitely a hard, but wonderful, thing on ALL ends of the spectrum. Can't tell you how many times I've cried over longing for a placement. Thanks so much again!

Kristin said...

Thank you for this.

Lara Zierke said...

Wow. Awesome post.Not very often does someone have such a close view of both sides of the story.

Jessalynn Speight said...


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