Saturday, March 26, 2011

I could never do that...

If i had a dollar for everytime someone said those five words to me...id be a millionaire.

The conversation usually goes something like this:
Them: you are a birthmom?, you placed/gave up your baby?, (or any other choice of various phrases)
Me: Yes.
Them: Wow. I could never do that.

Well, i find this statement very funny when brought up in conversation about being a birthmother. The reason being; no one would ever think they could do that. I sat for 9 months constantly saying, "i am not going to be able to do that" That's the funny thing about adoption though, no matter what part of the triad you are in, you NEVER think , "i could do that." Let me Explain.

      You are a girl who is pregnant and is in some sort of precarious situation (single, abusive, unfaithful, etc) and you feel that this baby is (for whatever reason) not meant to be with you after he/she is born.

 The first thought in most girl's minds would not be, 
"Oh i will JUST place this baby for adoption." 

Why? because placing for adoption isn't a thing you JUST do. most pregnant girls don't even know that adoption is out there and the positive effects it can have on everyone involved in the situation. (Adoption isn't the right choice for every girl in these situations, but i also think people should be educated and know that it IS a choice. ) Like it is said all the time, "you never know what you can do, until you try." Now this is not an ad to go out and get pregnant and then place, this is just merely stating, it is amazing what you can achieve when you know something is right.

I and I am sure many other birthmoms/firstmoms/tummy mummys out there never thought I COULD do that. I just knew I SHOULD do that.

I guess really i am just not sure how to answer this when someone says it to me, I usually just say, "Ya, I didn't think I could either, but I know it was right and don't regret it at all."

Adoptive Couple
Most adoptive couples don't plan on adopting from day 1 of their life. It usually happens when they find out at some point in their life that they are not able to conceive. So then Adoption is one of their few options of ways to obtain a family.

I am sure that many of these adoptive couples start out by thinking:
"love someone else's child as my own, I could never do that."

Well a little while down the road they are presented with a wonderful opportunity to adopt a baby and little did they know they have more love for this child then they ever thought possible. They see past the different DNA and see into what a miracle the whole process of adopting this child was.

This is the harder one for me to write about. The adoptee has no choice on whether or not he/she is to be adopted. however, there is one subject matter I could never do that seems to fit in perfectly.

I have several adoptees that were adopted before the time of open adoption. and many of them have told me at one time or another , "an open adoption, I could never do that." Yet at another point in time they say , i wish i knew who my birthmother was.

I can't imagine what a pain it would be to not know your roots. To have never grown up in an open adoption. I can't imagine the fear running through an adoptee's mind before meeting or contacting their birthparent for the first time. But i have seen some of my adoptee friends begin beautiful relationships with their birthfamily and learn about their roots. They pushed past that pain and that fear and something wonderful came of it.

Ghandi once said, "Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strength. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."

Adoption is some people's struggle, and those who decide not to surrender and stay positive they find themselves looking back and saying, "I did that."


Unknown said...

Great post! Even though I am not a birth mom, I get this phrase ALOT when I am telling our boys adoption stories. I LOVE it when people say this to me because I immediately turn it around on them and ask "Really? Do you love your children enough to do whats best for them? Because this is about loving your child SO MUCH that you literally take yourself out of the equation..so imagine what you would do if everything was at stake but you had a chance to give your child something better..you would find the strength to do it.

Charity said...

I'm an adoptive mom with an open relationship with my daughter's birthmother. I have heard "I could never do that" when we told (and tell) others that we were going to open the relationship to have direct contact.

birthMOM said...

from facebook:
Beautifully written Jessa. Loves.

great job, once again my dear

Courtney love love love this!

The worst response is "Oh... Why?"

Jessalynn Bills
@ ‎Jamie - oh geez!! I hear ya on that one.

Megan said...

I am an adoptee from the era of closed adoptions (1966). In college, when I had friends getting married and thinking about children, a few of them said to me "I hope I never have to adopt..." Ouch! Insensitive!

When I turned 18 and wanted to search for my birthparents I was told by my adoptive family "You SHOULD never do that." It totally invalidated me feeling that I was missing out on something.

Thanks for your perspective.

Britney O'Connor said...

It always hurts me when people say this to me. As a mother- wouldn't you ALWAYS want to do what is absolutely best for your child- no matter how much it may hurt you? I didn't want to place my daughter for adoption- I wasn't excited about it- but I KNEW it was the right decision.

Emily and Dan Adopt said...

Wow, well said Jessa! You are amazing.

Lissa D said...

Thank you for this post. My husband and I are in the adoption process. For many years I struggled with adoption. I was so very afraid of our birthmom and what this would do to her. How could I take her baby from her? How could I ever be good enough for her child? You give me peace with this post. You make me realize I have been looking at it all wrong.

And the next time somebody says those words to you, "I could never do that" tell them you loved your child enough to do just that.

Thank you for being who you are.

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