Monday, June 27, 2011

Inevitable Regret?

I actually have had a few friends let me know recently about themselves or people they know that have said they regret placing.

Oddly enough every single one of these people are three to four months into the adoption process.

Also interesting, this is when i said, a couple times, "I need to get Josie back."

Now further on down the road, at almost 3 years.... I don't regret it and i would NEVER dream of saying I want Josie back.

So what has changed?

Well first of all, I have found myself. I have found who I am. I have MATURED
I was ridiculously RIDICULOUSLY immature. i mean in a bad way. I still have a little bit of that immaturity...but i am nowhere near as bad as i used to be. I have learned that there is someone of importance besides myself. I learned that no matter what even if it hurts beyond belief you need to do whats right.

I think another thing that has changed is i was able to see into the future. I had some space. Some time to heal and not have every second of every day revolve around that gorgeous little girl...that goofy, funny, lively, beautiful, sweet little girl. Now i think of Josie, I do. Quite often in fact. but now because i had that space it is a happy thought. A smile. an acknowledgement. An absolute happiness for her and her wonderful family. I was able to look in the future and see, now it might be fun to have her while she is a small baby, but what about when she is 3 or 4 and she wants a daddy. when she needs a daddy. What about when i am working 40 hour weeks and she was in daycare and i only got to see her for a few hours everyday before i had to tuck her in, go to bed, and start it all over the next day? What about when her biological sperm donor decided he wanted to be daddy and start a custody battle so that he could have those weekend visits, then having to explain his excuse of why he decided not to show up that weekend.
The future was my saving grace.

I think it is normal to go through a time of, "I want my baby back." Not EVERY person will go through it but i bet most will at least think it once or twice. I think it is normal to want to What If the heck out of the situation. But also during these times revert back to the journal entry when you wrote how strong you felt in your decision. Go back to those memories of the face to face, the choosing of the couple. Remember why you chose adoption in the first place.

Be careful that you aren't getting sucked in by fantasies, ex boyfriends, baby daddies, overwhelming depression.

Sometimes it helps to just vent in a journal, on a blog, etc. Just make sure to not dwell for an excessive period of time.

When times are tough find a good friend to talk to. one who will be honest, brutally honest.

I love you all!


Jessalynn Speight said...

From Shelley!

My birthson is now 7. I have NEVER regretted my decision. However I have had the "I want my baby in MY arms and in my day to day life" thoughts. In that first month of what was intense pain and grief, felt like I couldn't catch my breath grief, I had fleeting thoughts of "picking up my baby". Here in Canada, I was able to take him back no questions asked until he was a month old. It crossed my mind, fleetingly.

As you say, I reminded myself of my list of why I chose adoption and all I wanted for my beautiful son and was not able to provide him. I reminded myself of all my elder child missed out on not having an involved daddy (you know, the kind who never lived up to visitation). I reminded myself that I wanted better for my baby. I remind myself of the numerous reasons I made the decision I did.

I had the advantage of knowing what the future may hold as I had lived it once with my older son. I know all he missed out on and how he still hurts for the things he missed out on (he was 15 when his brother was placed for adoption).

As the years have passed and I experienced the grief of an empty nest, when my son moved out to go to college (he's now 22 and first left home almost 4 yrs ago), I again fleetingly thought, "if I had not placed my second child, I would still be a day to day mom with a purpose." I struggled with wondering what my purpose was now that my elder son was moved out...even though I worked, I had been a mom, caring for my son every day since I was 18 yrs old myself. What do with myself now? I missed my younger son more intensely again.

I had to remind myself that I didn't choose adoption for me. I chose it for my son and he had everything I wanted him to have that he would not have if I parented him. It was about him and he was a happy and healthy child with so many opportunities and a very different life than he would have with me. The fleeting, "if I had my younger son..." thoughts were indeed fleeting as I reminded myself of the reasons I made my choice. I have an open adoption and could see that my son was indeed much better off where he was with the family he had. As difficult as that may be to admit, I could not deny it was true.

I could not be happier for my younger son that he has an amazing dad, siblings to grow up with, extended family who love him and show him that regularly...all things he would not have had in my home and family. He has also experienced many opportunities he would never have if he didn't have the parents he does. I am so happy for him that he has those opportunities and will continue to have opportunities that will make a positive impact on his life, that he would not have otherwise had. There can be no regret in all of this.

Emily and Dan Adopt said...

Jessa, you have a beautiful gift and intellect for words!

A Life Being Lived said...

I love this post......you captured a lot of my thoughts as well!

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