Thursday, January 5, 2012

Having a Child After Placement

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Hey! i haven't blogged in a while because i was busy having a baby.

Those of you who are my facebook friends and sick of this cute face...too bad so sad :)

Anyways, a couple of weeks ago i started this post but needed to think some more on it. Sooo, now i am ready.

I actually asked a couple of friends this question, "What was the biggest challenge emotionally you experienced having a child after placement? (this can be during pregnancy, hospital time, or 

The women who answered are all birthmoms, they also have all had children after placement. Some recently some with children who are older.

here are some of the answers i received:

Katie: After my daughter was born, I realized how differently I felt towards her as compared to my birth son. I loved him immensely but it was different. I couldn't imagine handing my daughter over the way I did my son (the thought of being separated from her was too much to bear) but I think it's because I had prepared myself to make that choice before. I think this shows how emotions can be different when you go into a birth having a plan to place versus a plan to parent. The planning and preparation goes a long, long way to change that emotional response. I also had joy in both births but that felt different as well. The joy at my son's birth was obviously more bittersweet.

Gina:I found after having my first son that I had a lot of anxiety over losing him. We had him in the hospital when he was very young because he was sick and I remember thinking he was going to die (even though it wasn't that serious). I just felt that at any moment he would disappear. I don't feel this way as much now. (11 years later)
I find myself constantly thinking "what would I do without you?" I feel I am more grateful for my children now, then if I had not placed my baby. I cherish so many little things. Especially with my daughter (since I placed a baby girl) I absolutely love that I get to take her shopping or paint her nails. 
I feel incredibly blessed that God has allowed me to raise three beautiful children and be a birth mother to one. I have learned so much from both roles. 

Jeanie: With both of my birth children my parents were in the room while I delivered. So I chose not to have them there with my daughter because I didn't want those dejavu feelings. 
I never let Layla out of my sight at the hospital. When it came time to go home it was so weird but wonderful to be bringing a baby home with me. 
But once I got home was the bad part. I fell into a deep postpartum depression. Back when I had my birth children had people tell me. Just imagine what it will be like when you have a baby you keep. You will be so happy you won't even care that they cry all the time and that they are always are awake because you finally have a baby. And I believed that. I thought I would be in such a state of bliss actually bringing a baby home that the hard parts about having a newborn wouldn't bother me. Not so much. And because I was so depressed I got so mad at myself. Why am I depressed??? I should be so wonderfully happy. So that made me even more depressed. I cried everyday for three months. It was a bad time. 

Now however things have gotten so much better. I do feel my love is so much deeper for my daughter because of placing two babies. I always feel extremely guilty when I"m away from her. Also having her really gives a whole knew surety that I did the right thing to place my other kids. I don't know how I could ever raise a child alone. I barely feel adequate to raise my daughter but at least I have another making up where I lack in parenting and visa versa.

I reflect now on my own feelings of having a child after placement and there were some key things i noticed:

1. I struggled with having my husband there. I loved it, don't get me wrong. but sometimes i forgot to let him know about doctors appointments and such. not because i wanted to exclude him...i think it was just because with Josie it was just me. the birthfather really couldnt've cared less. but at the same time. During the birth. having somewhere there to rub my back, hold my hand, encourage me to keep pushing. It was amazing. i loved having a partner in crime :) 

2. I bawled like a baby out of happiness. I got to experience things i didn't with Josie. my baby was put up on my belly, my husband cut the cord, i got to experience skin to skin time.  All of these  things were special moments i will cherish forever. Things i didn't realize how badly i missed out on with Josie. At the same time. let it be known I don't think i would change much about Josie's birth because i wanted her parents to experience those firsts. 

3. The thing i have noticed the most...like people have mentioned above is the intense love i feel for my baby. she is mine ... all mine. I was very protective of her in the hospital. wouldn't let her go to the nursery without my husband. Whenever i hold her and am looking at her...i tear up. I love this baby so much. had i not gone through what i did...i don't think these feelings would be as intense. i am not saying parents who haven't placed before don't love their children as much as i love mine...i am just saying the placement before intensifies several feelings. 

It is a different experience and there are all kinds of emotions you feel when going through this transition of your life. I am thankful for both the experience of becoming a birthmom and becoming a mother. 

I would love to hear your comments and opinions on this subject as i am sure everyone has a different story to tell! 


Amanda said...

Thank you for posting this. I am terrified of getting pregnant and having a child. And my husband are seriously considering this when he gets home from deployment.

Sterling Bo said...

I just keep tearing up, Jessa. beautiful post! i'm anxious and excited!

jodilee0123 said...

Congrats again! AND NO! I'm not sick of seeing photos! :0) Great post! I worry about my children's birthmothers and how they will be when they have more children. Thanks to all the beautiful women for sharing their stories!

Megan said...

Congrats! As an adoptee, I think some of my feelings were intensified when I gave birth, but in a different way.

I never took getting pregnant and continuous contact with my baby for granted. My a-mom couldn't have a pregnancy, and my birth mom couldn't have contact. But I was able to have both, and I appreciated it.

I wanted natural birth all the way, because I didn't want to miss any part of the experience. I even had one home birth when I lived in Utah because I disagreed with some of the hospital policies that wouldn't allow as much contact with the baby after birth as I wanted. I also breastfed all of my children until at least 24 months. Because I could, and neither of my mothers could breastfeed me. It was an opportunity to precious to pass up.

CCmomma said...

loved all these posts and comments! Congrats again to, Jessa!
I think that feelings of loss in any situation intensifies all of those feelings for your sweet baby!

I have only birthed one of my 3 kiddos and i really wanted to soak in every moment of it. After 3 miscarriages and knowing this may be it as far a the birthing part goes- i wanted everything to be in slow-mo!
I loved the one birth I got to have and the experience of it all! the miscarriages made me appreciate her birth so much more. I felt a stronger connection to our daughter's birthmom after that s well. I realized what she physically went through and was amazed at her strength.

If I was to ever get pregnant again- I'd appreciate it so much- even the hard stuff. Going through all the heartaches makes our heart stronger over time!
I'm so blessed by all birth parents and we love and cherish ours forever!
Keep rocking this great blog, ladies!

Ashley said...

Adoption has touched my life, but, it is a very different story compared to probably 99 if not 100 percent to those who follow this blog. I'm not a birth mother, an adoptee, or the adopter; I'm a birth sister. My mom placed her child from her 2nd marriage. Me, my brother, and sister are from the 1st. I was in my senior year of high school when this happened. It had been the plan for months before she came along. The month she was born, my mom and my ex-step dad were divorced (which was the reason for the placement since the marriage was toxic) Since then, I've had 3 siblings born and all my nieces and nephews born. Some who should have been placed and weren't & as much as I love those of who I am talking about, I think they would have better lives if they were placed. But, since these precious children were all kept, it's weird to think "What might have been?" Our adoption is closed, unfortunately, which makes my heart really sad when I hear all these amazing open adoption stories. It's sad that 1 person can ruin that for a whole group. Keep the beautiful stories of hope up :)

Gina Crotts said...

Great post! Congrats on your new lil' angel, she is beautiful.

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