Thursday, February 9, 2012

Guest Blogger: To Each Their Own

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Amanda sent me this post and asked me to put up as a guest blogger. Amanda is one of my favorite people in the entire universe. She has an amazing family and an amazing heart. Here is her post!

To Each Their Own-

In recent events and throughout the 7 years of my adoption journey I have come across several situations where ones I have loved and even complete strangers have been attacked for their beliefs. I find it completely unfair and wrong for situations like these to occur. It brings sadness into my heart to know that their is such hate out their towards others and the beliefs they have on life, religion, and in the cases I'm writing about today, adoption. 

I do not doubt that their is sadness and despair in the world of adoption. In fact I have lived through it within my own family, but I also do not doubt that their can be and IS happiness in the world of adoption also. 

I placed a little girl for adoption just over 7 years ago. Throughout those 7 years there have been days filled with tears, laughter, and even days of a complete feeling of loss, but within all of those, FOR ME, their was happiness. I know without a shadow of doubt in my mind that placing T for adoption was the right thing to do. I believe with ALL OF MY HEART she is in the home she was meant to be and that her parents love her and are giving her the life she so fully deserves. (you can read more about my story HERE). With all of that said...this is MY story and mine alone. No matter how many other birthmothers I meet who might have a similar story to mine or whom I seem to be able to relate with, our stories will never be the same. We will each have our own happiness, our own heartache, and our own fears. Our stories will always be just that, OURS. But hopefully in someway we can be there to help one another through the grief and to share the times of happiness. 

I will never understand others reasoning behind attacking a fellow human being for their beliefs. We all have our opinions and feelings towards the world but it is NEVER okay to attack another with harsh words just because you don't agree. Birthmothers4adoption is here to bring light to the world on the things we feel as birthmothers. Just as First Mother Forum and other adoption blogs are out there to bring light to what they believe. Each blog shares a different view and a different light on adoption and in several posts I am sure the writers from each do not agree, but with that disagreement does not bring the right to attack one another for sharing different views. 

I don't think we are here as fellow birthmothers, adoptees, adoptive parents, perspective birthmothers, perspective adoptive parents or adoption followers to say who is right or wrong. We are here to share our voice and our opinion on the situation in hope that we might be able to help someone out there find peace or a place to find refuge in what can be a very hard and life changing situation. I know I certainly am not here to shove my opinion down someone else's throat or to make someone feel like what they believe is wrong. I share my story not only to help my own heart heal, but to hopefully help someone else's heal in the process. 

I've come across several posts and comments about adoption that I most definitely do not agree with but NEVER have I ever felt the need to attack that person for the way they believe. Instead I try to see where they might be coming from and try to understand how I might feel if my situation was like theirs. I think we have so much to learn from one another as human beings, but so often we are too quick to judge and to hurt one another just for believing differently. I am in no way perfect and most definitely have my lack in judgement and struggle so very much with judging others, but I hope that with that judgment I can try to see the realities of that situation and learn from it,  rather than be blinded by my own feelings and views. 

My adoption story is a happy one and haters call it whatever you will, but I am PROUD to be a "koolaid drinker" and no matter what you say or how much you want to tear me down for finding happiness in my story, I refuse to stoop to your level. I refuse to profoundly stand up and say YOU'RE WRONG just because I think I'm right. Sure I have anger towards those who so publicly claim I as a birthmother have been "brainwashed" into thinking I've made the right choice, but instead of attacking you in return I will post here and continue to praise MY adoption story for the wonderful blessing it has turned out to be. Because FOR ME it has been a blessing. Their IS happiness, and my life is better for the choice I made, as is the life of my daughter. 

I made my choice to place on my own. No one swayed me either way. I have a brain. I have my own free will, and even at the young age of 18 that I was, I was entirely capable of making that choice on my own, and I do not believe that "in time" I will realize the error of my ways. Wisdom does not come with age but with experiences, and I've experienced enough to know that my feelings on this will not change. Placing T for adoption was done through much prayer, nights filled with tears, and long days of pondering, and even through the hardest of times, I still know that the choice I made was right. For me, and her. In this I know that T will NEVER doubt how much I love her and think about her every day. She will always know how much I care about her and why I made the decision I did, and when/if the time comes that she wants to find me and know me as more than just her "birthmother" I will be there, willing and waiting to give her all the answers she may have. With that though I will never undermine her parents or make her believe they are something they are not and that I am something I am not. Nothing but the truth will ever be shared with her from me and that's the way I believe it should be. 

I know that just as the existence of my happy story is true, that there is also the existence of the stories of despair. It breaks my heart to know that for others things could have gone so differently, but I hope that as I learn from them and grow with the sharing of their stories that they can also learn from mine. 

I'm not the "world peace" kind of girl and it's not often that I stand up to defend what I believe but I can't handle anymore ridicule over choosing to be happy in my story, let alone handle any ridicule being shoved down the throat of my friends because they've chosen to be happy. We all have our own stories. They are all different. Instead of hurting one another, can't we just learn from one another? Isn't that one of the main purposes why we are here on this Earth? To gain knowledge? And who better to learn it from?



Ashley said...

Eloquently written. Thank you. I needed this today.

Jewls said...

I love you Amanda!!

Laurie Meredith said...

Thank you so much for that post! I've had to defriend someone ob FB because she was birth mother who was only filled with bitterness and regret, and she just couldn't acknowledge that my adopted children just might belong with our family. There are a lot of bitter angry people out there, but I'm so glad to hear from mature, beautiful people like yourself who are at peace with their adoption story.

Megan said...

Unfortunately, I think many times online attacks are done so that the attacker can gain approval of cyber-friends who share similar beliefs. Ego gets in the way of reason.

Amanda said...

Absolutely agree!! It makes me sad.

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