I was originally supposed to post this in the month of thanksgiving! Unfortunately I got sidetracked. I think this story is great to show another side of adoption we don't see all too often!!
I apologize this will be a very
long post seeing as how I have never introduced myself on this blog. I suppose I should give you a little
background. My name is Madisen and I placed a beautiful little girl in August,
just a little over three months ago. At
first I was very against adoption, but I also didn’t feel right about
parenting. My boyfriend, now husband,
Allen and I eventually decided that we would place her with an adoptive couple,
only if we could find the perfect people.
So my search began, I looked through hundreds of profiles on the
itsaboutlove website. I didn’t know what
I was looking for but I knew I would feel when it was right. I decided to email the first couple I looked
at. I could not stop thinking about Josh
and Jen, even though I hardly knew them.
I began comparing everyone else to them, they were perfect. We began
emailing back and forth and it was like I had known them my entire life, our
emails were pages long every day, it was so easy to talk to them! I knew in my heart that they were going to be
my child’s parents, but I couldn’t accept the reality of it. Finally, I went in to talk to a caseworker,
and told them I already had a family picked out and could she please put them
on hold, but not to tell them until we met them. We finally met them at LDS family services
and hours flew by, the caseworkers wanted to leave but we had just started, so
we decided to go to Olive Garden, a favorite of all of ours. :) We still didn’t
tell them, I couldn’t bring myself to face reality. We became such good friends, we talked
through email and started texting, they were the first people (besides Allen
and I) to discover that it was a girl!
We decided to meet again at a park, I brought my mom and brother and my
dog, they brought their son Mason. We
talked for a while and then my mom and brother left so we could talk. Mason just loved Allen, they played pirates
with Josh for hours while Jen and I talked, they were already family. Throughout the visit, we kept looking for a
time to ask them to be parents to our little girl, but no time seemed right. Finally as we were in the parking lot saying
goodbye I nudged AJ, we couldn’t make them wait any longer, he asked them if
they would please be her parents. I just
watched their faces as they cried and hugged us and I felt such peace. We had a
long time to get to know them, I was only three months along when we started
talking, which I am sure frustrated Jen extremely, but at least she had time to
prepare right?:)
Fast forward a few months. Two weeks before my due date, they came up
(they live about 2 hours away) and we spent the day at the fair, it was so much
fun but I think I did a little too much walking!:) After they got home we all
crashed and a few hours later at 2:30 Sunday morning I woke up with terrible
contractions. Everyone told me that
first labors last forever, and not to call anyone until I was admitted, boy did
I wish I hadn’t listened! I called the
nurse and told her my contractions were about 5 minutes apart, she told me to
sleep or go on a walk and come in when they were 2 to 3 minutes apart. I tried
to wait for a while but anyone who has
ever had contractions knows that sleep is not an option, I woke up the hubby
and told him we were going on a walk. We
live literally across the street from the hospital and by the time we had
walked around the building, the contractions were a minute apart and we picked
up our bags and headed over. I was
admitted to the hospital around 4 and called my mom and Josh and Jen. To my
surprise Josh and Jen were already awake, Mason had woken them up saying that
they needed to come visit Madi and AJ, smart kid!:) They got up here just in time (with a
speeding ticket to show for it haha), unfortunately my mom wasn’t able to make
it in time, she was ready to be born! I
remember being so scared, I didn’t have hours in the hospital to prepare like everyone
told me I would, her heart rate started to drop because she was just coming too
fast and the doctor told me it was time to push. They put an oxygen mask on me and had like 8
of the NICU staff in the delivery room ready in case there were complications. I remember crying for my mom and Josh was
worried about me, we sent everyone but us and the doctor out of the room while
Josh gave me a quick blessing, for a moment there was total silence and peace. He went out to wait outside the door and all
the nurses came back in. I am so
grateful Jen was there to support AJ so that he could support me ;) 5 minutes of pushing was all it took to bring
Ella Madisen into the world 6 lbs 10 oz and 20 in long. She was perfect.
My doctor was amazing and knew that I would be
placing Ella, as soon as she was born he held her out the door for Josh to see
and showed her to Jen, Josh even recorded her first cry, and both her daddies
helped each other with her first bath J
Long
story short, we had just 48 hours to love on that sweet little girl, Tuesday at
noon we were to sign the relinquishment papers.
I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I needed to talk to Josh and Jen, they
brought them in and we held Ella and cried together, they promised me that we
would always be family, they told me that if I changed my mind, it was okay,
they would help me figure out how to keep her.
Every ounce of my being wanted to keep that little girl, but I knew that
I was meant to bring her to her family.
After I signed the papers, we went out to lunch, we didn’t want a
goodbye, we wanted a ‘see you later’. I
don’t remember much about the first couple of weeks, I didn’t leave my bed Aj
held me while I cried. What I do
remember is getting many pictures letting me know everything that was going on
and for that I am so grateful.
Today Ella is a little over 3
months old, I will not tell you that it isn’t hard, but sometimes the hardest
things are also the most worth while. I grieve because I want to be a mom, and because it
is only natural to miss the sweet spirit I carried with me. I know now
that Ella being part of my life has many purposes. She has saved my life
and blessed the lives of many others. Before I knew I was pregnant I was
obviously doing things that in the back of my mind I knew were not right.
I didn't care, I had become callous because of everything that had been going
on in my life. I had grown up in the church, yes, but I didn't truly have
my own testimony. I am far from perfect, but at least now I have the
desire. I have never had to rely more heavily on my savior than I did
when signing those blood curdling papers and handing over sweet Ella.
When I was reading my patriarch’s blessing a few weeks after she was born, I
realized that it addressed a lot of my concerns.. Concerns I would have never
had if I hadn't had the blessing of adoption touch my life, it provided me so
much comfort and for that I am grateful. I know now the wonderful
blessing that motherhood is, I know now that I desire to improve and strive to
live a life my heavenly father would be proud of. Hopefully, she has been
just as big of a blessing to them as she has been to me. She was only
mine for 48 hours, but in that time, she changed my entire life and I will be
eternally grateful. Sometimes it takes a huge reality check from our Father in
Heaven to put things in perspective. Yes
I made mistakes, but Ella is not a mistake.
There is no doubt that she is where she needs to be.
I am eternally grateful for Josh and
Jen for being so welcoming of Allen and I into their family, if I ever need
anything or am having a hard day, I know I can ask. I am thankful that they are the most selfless
people I know, giving me what I need even if it is hard for them. I am grateful that they thought enough of me
to include my name as her middle name so she will always know who I am. I am grateful that Ella is able to have a
wonderful big brother Mason who protects her with his pirate swords. I am grateful for their extended family, whom
we have met and fallen in love with. I
am grateful that I have a best friend in Jen who I talk to about everything, a
lot of the time things that have nothing to do with Ella. I am grateful that we have such a strong
connection, we know when things are going on with the other without a word! I
am grateful that they are willing to let me watch her life and love her. I am grateful that when she was four days
old, they invited us to their home so that we could be in some of her beautiful
newborn pictures. I am grateful that when I am sick, I get a picture like this
one telling me to get better :)
I am grateful that in EVERY picture
I have received, there is a big grin on Ella’s face. She is happy and she is loved, which is all
that matters. I am grateful that Jen is
there for her 24/7 in a way that I couldn’t be at this point in my life.
I am grateful that Josh is an
amazing dad and has to power to give priesthood blessings, to me and in the
future to Ella. Most of all, I am
grateful for my husband and for a Heavenly Father that has a plan for each of
his children. I did not plan to be a
birthmom, but my life has been forever changed and blessed. I am grateful that I can pray when times are
hard. I am grateful that in three
months, I will be able to see them sealed as a family in the temple, and that I
will be able to attend her baby blessing where Josh has asked Allen to help him
bless her. I could go on for hours about
how I have been blessed. This Thanksgiving,
even though holidays can be hard, find something that you are grateful about in
your adoption experience. I am convinced
that there is always something to be grateful for, especially in a trial as
hard as placing your child. I know that
many adoptions are far from perfect, even if there is nothing to be grateful
for except that your child is healthy and taken care of, that is a huge
blessing, be grateful for it! Try to
find the blessing that come from your adoption experience, even if that experience
is not ideal. Maybe your purpose is to
counsel others! Adoptive parents, let your birthparents know how much you love
and are grateful for them. you all are amazing!
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