Thursday, January 14, 2010

QUESTIONS are ANSWERED!! Q # 6 and # 7

Answers from the lovely birthmothers:
Note – not every birthmother has answered every single question, please match the fonts to know whose response you are reading!

if you would like to answers any of the questions please do so in the comment section and be sure to leave the number of the question that is being answered.

Stefanie     http://stefaniejinelle.blogspot.com/
Megan  http://angryoctopusstudios.blogspot.com/
Alyssa       one of our guest bloggers
Anna      http://annamaryk.blogspot.com
Jennilee     one of our guest bloggers
Amanda     http://travisandamandarosemans.blogspot.com/
Nicole    http://lifeafterfirstmom.blogspot.com/
Kelsey    http://thebestforyoubook.blogspot.com/
Andee      http://anabananandee.blogspot.com/
Janessa     http://scottandjanessa.blogspot.com/
Shanna    one of our blog authors  

questions for birthmothers from other birthmothers:
6. who have you not told about your adoption and why? who have you shared your adoption with and why? at what point were you comfortable talking freely (if ever) about your adoption experience?

This may not be the case for everyone, because I realize not all Bmoms are Mormon, but I tell people based on if I feel inspired by the Spirit to do so.  I have NEVER had a negative experience with telling people because I let the Spirit guide me. I don’t usually just tell anyone, it’s a sacred thing to me. I think that I am more open and ready to tell people NOW that I am pregnant for the third time because becoming a Mom after placement gave me more confidence.

I'm very open about my adoption experience. I kept a blog throughout my pregnancy and the day that I posted I was placing for adoption. My whole family knew and could keep up with it through my blog. I don't think that there is anyone that doesn't know. If there are friends or acquaintances that don't know, I dont let them. It's a pretty sacred experience for me to share and I don't want to go into detail about it. Most people don't when I say that I had a baby and placed for adoption. The conversation doesn't really go any further than that. I drop subtle hints to guys that I'm dating. I've only had one guy think it was weird because he wanted to marry a girl that waited for her husband to give away her virginity. Sorry to burst your bubble sir (:

I haven't told most people. I moved away during my pregnancy to keep it private. I'm being more open now, but I couldn't for a long time because my birthfather's mom (my MIL) refused to tell certain members of their (immediate) family. She recently told them all, so I'm not taking any mesaures to hide it any longer. I recently spoke at a local adoption fireside, which was a huge step for me.

I don't share with co-workers I don't directly work with. I don't share with people at the bus stop. Because how awkward would that be..."Hi, you know nothing about me, but here ya go..." It is too sacred of an experience for the "strangers" on the street to hear about.
I have shared with all my friends and family. I share with co-workers that I deal directly with. I share with my neighbors. I feel better when I talk about it. I can talk for hours. I share with them, so that they don't feel awkward asking any questions. I would rather be upfront with people I encounter frequently, rather than have rumors fly around and the truth be distorted.
I started feeling open about it once the birth father and I broke up. I didn't feel the need to keep it a secret because of him any more. It is a huge secret to keep locked and pent up. I found that I feel better about the situation the more I talk about it.

I was comfortable talking about my adoption experience with family from the very end of my pregnancy on. With other people that weren’t family or close friends, it took a while. Maybe a month or two. Unless it was someone I was dating. I never talked about it when I was dating, because I was afraid it would push them away. When my husband found out, we had only been dating for a few weeks, and I was so nervous about his reaction. Of course, it was all fine, but it was something that worried me. Once he knew, though, I felt much more comfortable about talking with everyone.

I have talked with many people about my adoption experience. Sometimes it’s simply an explanation of why I have had 4 children, yet one of my 4 kids is my step-son. Sometimes it’s part of a get-to-know-you thing, maybe something the other person doesn’t know about you. Sometimes (and this is becoming more and more the case) it’s a longer, more detailed story meant to help and/or inspire other people or simply because it fits the moment and I feel the other person/people need to hear it.

all of my immediate family and extended family know about my adoption, close friends. I told them for love and support and it’s open so they would find out eventually. I didn’t tell co-workers usually since I didn’t want judged. I told some co-workers that I was close to. I told guys I dated. I feel comfortable talking about my adoption. I don’t tell people at my church usually either.

**At first I felt like everyone needed to know like my roomates and stuff, but after a while, unless someone brings up adoption I really don't casually mention it. I try to promote the pros of it in my situation if I hear someone talking bad about it, or to whoever is considering it. I'm to the point now where I placed in 2007, and I can talk and write about it without getting emotional, I speak very passionate about it.

My adoption was closed and I was sent to a foster home while I was pregnant so not a lot of people knew about my situation.  For a lot of years I was really uncomfortable talking about it except to a few close friends, but once I was married and had 3 of my own children, I slowly started discussing aspects of my adoption situation as it came up in conversation with anyone and everyone.  At that point, my son who was placed for adoption was 12 years old.

~Many people. If adoption is brought into the conversation, I will talk about my experiences. Otherwise, I do not reveal anything. However, you should read the next question for more information.

~Since I have published my book I have been talking about it daily with many, many people.

~Always. I have a unique story when it comes to adoption and ironically enough, I am touched by it personally in so many other ways. I have many friends who are birth mothers themselves, and I have many friends that are adopted...both open and closed adoptions. I am touched by adoption in many wonderful ways.

I live in a very small town with a lot of small minded and judgemental people and though I know most found out because gossip travels like wildfire, I do not talk to many in my town, because of their small minded-ness, I talk to the ones in church I trust, and a few close friends, and more recently people on the internet. I can say I am proud and honored to be a birthmom and if I was around different types of people who were more open minded and not so judging I would share a lot more freely about it- I used to be a public speaker and could see myself going out of town and sepeaking about it to strangers

At 1st i didnt tell n e one. i didnt want to be judged. for people to make mean comments to me. now i tell basically everyone. i dont feel like its my 'dirty little secret' n e more. i was suprised at 1st how well ppl reacted. not everyone knows still.

I have told everyone. My husband told no one.

There are very few people that I do not tell about my adoption.  I am very open about my adoption and feel like it is not something I need to hide.  It is who I am.  Adoption is a part of me now.  I don’t feel like that it’s something to be ashamed of. If someone thinks less of me for it, they aren’t worth my time anyway.

I’m pretty open about it.  Most people in my life knew I was pregnant, and I’m clearly not parenting now… so, there was no real opportunity to NOT tell people.

~I have not kept the secret that I am a birthmother.  Everyone I know knows about her.  I get pictures and I show them off proudly to my family members and friends.  I am not ashamed for having a rough time in my life, and making a good choice with the best interest of my child in mind.

I haven't specifically told any of my extended family on my dad's side. Mainly because since my dad passed away when I was really little, they have had almost no contact with my family and I didn't feel the need to inform them about anything. I also haven't said anything about it around my husband's extended family, as of yet. However I'm not sure if his parents haven't said anything, but because I don't feel close to them yet I don't know if I want to bring it up around them. My husband knew about my adoption before we really started spending much time together because we went to the same high school that had a student body of 150 students. His parents also had heard about it through the grape vine but I didn't start talking about it freely with them, until we were discussing marriage and our plans for the future. Now I'm comfortable talking with them about as freely as my family. For the most part I am pretty open about it. If I know I will be spending a lot of time with people, I will probably tell them about it, but if it is like my co-workers or something like that, I don't bring it up too freely.

7. have you had a visit or even a reunion since placement?

Nope, and I am okay with it.  Obviously most Bmoms would love to see their Bchildren but in my case it wasn’t necessary for closure and I wanted my Acouple to be comfortable with becoming parents without me interfering. If Anna ever wants to meet me, on her own terms, I’d love to, but that decision will be up to HER not ME.

I saw her two days after placement since I didn't have a lot of time to see her before she left to go to Virginia. I haven't seen her since they flew out to Virginia. They left October 17 and they're coming back in December to visit.

Two visits about a year ago and I just had another this week.

They live so close to me that I was seeing Sara 1-2 times a week. It was very helpful to me for a while. But just recently, I have found myself going backwards instead of forward. So, now, I see her every other week. I'm sure it will change again. One thing I have learned, is that nothing should be set in stone. There must be room to grow.

I have only gotten letters and pictures, but I would LOVE to meet up with them again! I would love to see how much my little Leah has grown and if she looks like me, but even more than that, I want to have a relationship with her mom – a woman I consider to be one of the most amazing women on the planet, and a woman I feel is my long lost big sister.

I have had 3 visits since placement which was 5 years ago. All visits went great. It was a lot of fun and great to see the couple interact with the child. It confirmed to me even more that I made a good decision.

Because I lived with the adoptive couple, I became a part of their family. We get together at least 2 times a month to visit, usually the adoptive couple and birth mom come up with a "placement plan"

No I have not

Oh yes. I have been in contact with my daughter all of her life. The last time I saw her we danced the night away at a family wedding. She is an amazing young lady who tells me she loves me for who I am and what I did for her. My twins recently contacted me and they too have told me that they are proud of me and my brave heart, but I have not physically seen them since they were born.

After Amy's birth I was living with her and her parents for 13 days, then we have had 3 visits since (she is 3 and 1/2) and I can't wait for another visit. I hope as she gets older we will visit more and more and establish a good relationship like relatives do.

After placement i saw her 3-4 times a yr up until about 3 1/2 yrs ago. no visits. barely n e pix.

I had a visit at seven months. It was the most spiritual and comforting moment of my life, and deserves a whole email dedicated to it.

Yes, my adoption is very open.  We have frequent visits.  I can pretty much see her whenever I want.

We’ve seen each other about once a month since placement including a couple of events.

Yes, I have had about 8 visits over the last 2.5 years. Very open adoption.

She is 22 months now, and I have not seen her yet.  The adoptive parents invited me to visit, and have let me know the door is open anytime I want to come.  I just don't feel ready to see her.

Yes I have. Because of the distance between the two homes, it has been hard to really have a lot of visits but we try to make plans to have visits.


birthMOM said...

Q #6:
im pretty dang open about it. i luv to talk adoption!

but i have to maintain an element of privacy online because of the birthfather. if you are 'in the circle' then you are welcome to be my facebook friend and i have shared uber amts on there because i can control who-sees-what.

ironically many of my family members do NOT know about it. mainly because theres a time and a place, and id prefer to tell them in person, but i live in a diff state so that opp hasnt presented itself yet. ive had my own life for more than a decade now, my life isnt centered around my family the way it would have been had i gotten pregnant as a teenager or in my early 20's, if that makes sense?

Q #7:
yes i have. one at 4 mos, one at 13 mos, and not an official visit but two get-togethers at 17 mos.

i didnt want to see him often, i felt like that would have been detrimental, i originally planned on seeing him around the first bday, but then the situation changed with the birthfather and i felt a huge need to tell the baby something, in person, after his adoption was final. so i did. and it wasnt so much for him, he was a baby, it as for me.

it was the most spiritual magical tender moment of my ENTIRE life, truly life changing.

for me it was really important to instill that necessary separation - he was their child. i did have a great visit at 6 weeks with the Acouple, they left babe with a sitter. that was a fun time, hearing all about how things were going etc. i'd highly recommend that to birthmoms~ if they arent sure they want a visit with baby then think about just visiting with mom and dad.

debs life said...

This is really great Desha! Wow, even though I am a birthmom, I feel like I am still learning so much! Everyone handles things differently, that's for sure, everyone chooses to place at different times, so some people have more time to prepare while others don't, I just LOVE my fellow birthmoms!

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