Thursday, January 14, 2010


Answers from the lovely birthmothers:
Note – not every birthmother has answered every single question, please match the fonts to know whose response you are reading!

if you would like to answers any of the questions please do so in the comment section and be sure to leave the number of the question that is being answered.

Stefanie     http://stefaniejinelle.blogspot.com/
Megan  http://angryoctopusstudios.blogspot.com/
Alyssa       one of our guest bloggers
Anna      http://annamaryk.blogspot.com
Jennilee     one of our guest bloggers
Amanda     http://travisandamandarosemans.blogspot.com/
Nicole    http://lifeafterfirstmom.blogspot.com/
Kelsey    http://thebestforyoubook.blogspot.com/
Andee      http://anabananandee.blogspot.com/
Janessa     http://scottandjanessa.blogspot.com/
Shanna    one of our blog authors

questions for birthmothers from adoptive couples:

A. Can adoptive couples send too many letters, emails, photos? When our birth mother doesn't respond, it makes me wonder if we are sending too much....

Nope, you can’t.

I think that there isn’t too much of anything. The birth mother is grieving the loss of a child. Sometimes I think receiving a picture is like, "Thank you for reminding me what I don't have." And I'm sure she reads them or looks at them and is grateful that you send her those things. It's just difficult for her to reply. When the time comes and she comes around to the idea of what she did was good for her and for her baby that she'll respond. I would say don't give up.

NO. The reason I sometimes don't respond is because I don't feel like I have anything to say other than "He's so cute!" or "He's getting so big" and you can only say that so many times before you feel a little self concious about sounding like a broken record.

NEVER! You can never send too many pictures, letters, emails, etc… If your birthmother doesn’t respond, it’s simply that she is either super busy (one of the best coping strategies is to be busy and involved with something) or she simply needs a little bit of time to digest it all. There will be good days, bad days, and days when she just can’t stand to look at a picture, but those will pass and she will be back to writing, etc.

No Way! Send as much as you want. I love getting any contact and especially love pictures! When I first placed it was hard to write. Just because she isn’t replying doesn’t mean she doesn’t want contact. I would tell my couple all the time to keep writing me even if I took time to reply. I needed to hear from them. Sometimes my emotions just wouldn’t let me write back.

Sometimes people get busy and don't have time to respond, or may be horrible at keeping in touch. Many birth mom's I talk to who have smei-open to very open adoptions love the letters, etc. I believe adoptive couples should ask the birth mom if she is aware of open adoption and if she'd like one. If she chooses closed is best, I know some adoptive couples it has been hard on, but they cope.

I would think the more the better.  That is my personal view seeing as how my adoption was closed – I would welcome any and all communication in any form.  I think asking the bm how often she would like to hear would be a good place to start.

NO, you can never send too many!!! However, keep in mind that your birth mother will be healing for a long time. Sometimes I would get letters and pictures and I was thrilled about it. Other times I would be reeling for days from seeing how happy my children were without me. There are many emotions and feelings that come up when you see the pictures, as a birth mother I never knew what my reactions would be. Just keep sending the photos and letters, and make sure you keep telling your birth mother how much you support her in her decission. That was very important and comforting to me, when my parents told me that I was appreciated.

They could never send me too much- I wish they sent more

in my opinion no. it can never be too much. I would love to have that from my daughters aparents

Never. It is never too many. I know for me, sometimes it's hard to respond because it does bring back a degree of sadness, it's almost bittersweet. There have been times when it's taken me a few days, even a couple weeks to respond. In the beginning, I couldn't respond at all

In my opinion; no.  The birthmother may not think she needs to respond, or it may be that she doesn’t know what to say. But she always wants to know how her child is doing.  I think that as long as she doesn’t send you an email asking you specifically to stop, then no.  I don’t think you could send too many.

This would depend on the birthmom.  I can’t imagine ever getting too much from my son’s parents (I’ve promised to let them know if I’m having a hard time and need a break…)  The lack of response could be due to any number of things- she may be having a hard time and be unable to respond or she may not realize you want a response.  If you are concerned you are sending too much, you might ask if she’d like you to switch to using a blog or picture site instead of sending updates directly to her.  That way, you can keep the blog/site updated as much as you’d like, and she can look at it when she’s in an emotional state to deal with it.

~ As a birthmother, I became easily overwhelmed.  An exchange of email for email was just the right amount for me.  If I had opened my email and found 4 or 5 attempts to correspond I would have felt a lot of pressure.


birthMOM said...

my knee jerk reaction is 'NO WAY! its impossible to send too much.'

but in actuality a couple very easily can send too much, especially during times of extreme grief or healing setbacks. this is where communication is SOSO important, PLEASE create an environment in which the birthmother can feel safe to say 'too much' or 'not enough'.

dont ever take a non response as a request to send less info. ONLY a request for less info/pics can be interpreted AS A request for less info/pics.

if a birthmom has said she doesnt know what she wants in the amt of pics n such, then you need to commit to a reasonable exchange, something you can follow thru with for FOREVER. dont tell a birthmom you can email and send pics every week if thats not something you know you can do for FOREVER. never assume an arrangement or agreement has changed until you see writing from both you and the birthmother stating as such.

on a related side note ~ i just need to reiterate: loudly::
open adoption is FOREVER, not for a few moths, one year or even five years, FOREVER! and communication should be planned on being a constant during that FOREVER time period.

just try to put yourself in her shoes, if you suddenly were removed from your child and loving them tremendously, from afar, how often would you want updates/pics and what would you want to know/see?

debs life said...

Just like every adoptoin story is different, ever emotion is different too. I'll admit there were times when I wanted to throw in the towel with communication with the acouple because of the pain and jealousy I felt inside, I am glad I didn't but I am sure at that time it wouldn't have been a big deal not to get as much contact from them. I am sure after pregnancy hormones play a big part in our emotions at first.

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