Friday, April 20, 2012

Questions are Answered! Q #15 and #16

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***** because i suck, these havent all been posted yet, keep in mind the answers referring to timelines and specific ages are now two years old. please take the time to go back and read the previous questions and answers by clicking on the label at the bottom of the post. and stay tuned for more, soon! as always, please comment with your own answers!
adoption luvs  ~birthMOM*****

Answers from the lovely birthmothers:
Note – not every birthmother has answered every single question, please match the fonts to know whose response you are reading!

if you would like to answers any of the questions please do so in the comment section and be sure to leave the number of the question that is being answered.

Stefanie     http://stefaniejinelle.blogspot.com/
Megan  http://angryoctopusstudios.blogspot.com/
Alyssa       one of our guest bloggers
Anna      http://annamaryk.blogspot.com
Jennilee     one of our guest bloggers
Amanda     http://travisandamandarosemans.blogspot.com/
Nicole    http://lifeafterfirstmom.blogspot.com/
Kelsey    http://thebestforyoubook.blogspot.com/
Andee      http://anabananandee.blogspot.com/
Janessa     http://janessasjourney.blogspot.com/

15. what about having more children after placement? what are your fears? problems that youve come across? joys?

I am not gonna lie, I was fearful of having children, I went through a time where I thought I didn’t deserve to have children or that I was replacing Anna, it passed when I got pregnant and when my son was born, it was an emotional experience but also very healing, talk about a beautiful experience having my son, soooo rewarding because I deserved to be a Mommy at that moment. I find even greater joy in being a Mom because I was prepared and its something I don’t take for granted.

My fear is that I cant have children. At my 6 week post partum appointment they did a pap smear. The results came back abnormal and found precancerous cells. I'm not sure about the whole thing they won't be testing me for sure until December 9th. But it's a scary thought to think you might have cervical cancer and if so, what if I can't have anymore biological children? What if I just placed my only biological child for adoption? It hurts. I hope that the pap smear was wrong and it changes back to normal. But I get so excited thinking about me and my husband having children. That I know that he'll always be by my side no matter what during the pregnancy. That he'll be there right next to me in the hospital when I give birth and it'll be a magical feeling to be able to hold onto my own child and not let him/her go. Ever. Again.

I'm nervous about this. My husband and I are planning to start having kids within a year or two (I married the birthfather) and I am already panicking a little bit about possibly feeling like I'm reliving my last pregnancy.

I am terrified that I won't have anymore children. I am not to the stage yet where I can have children (ie. marriage, I shall do it the right way this time...) so sometimes I even wonder if I will ever get married. At times like these, I just take a deep breath and say to myself, "It will happen in it's own time. That's how God works." I have found that playing with young children helps me to feel more confident that I will have more children to love and that I will continue to be the best mother in the world. Cause that's what we all are. The world's best mothers. :)

There is NOTHING better than having your own children. Just try to do it when you’re married and you know that there’s no chance of ending up in a situation where you’ll have to consider placing again.

My children are my greatest joy in life! It has been interesting trying to explain to my children why I have pictures of another baby on the wall that isn’t them and who the letters come from every year, but it’s nothing a straightforward answer won’t solve.

I got married a year and a half ago. I don’t have any children with my husband yet. I can’t wait to be a mom though. I do have some concerns how I will handle having a child after placement.

I got pregnant October 2007 after placing in April 2007. Many people were quick to judge and say it was because I wanted to "fill the hole in my heart Bunny left" but that wasn't it. I was married and now a single parent, and I love my son. I'm glad I can focus on him. At first it was hard because I was so  used to seieng Bunny all the time, but because of my life style now, I have to focus on myself and my son. At first, this was hard, but I have complete confidence Bunny knows I love her.

Since I was not prepared for the extreme loss I would feel after placement, all I wanted to do was replace the baby I had lost.  I was not doing this on a conscience level, but looking back I can see that it’s exactly what I was doing.  Not dealing with the loss or properly working through your grief to heal can cause you to make choices you may later regret.

This was the question that haunted me for years. "When I do have my own children, how will they ever understand that they were not my first? Will they ask me why I did not keep my first baby? Will they have issues with the fact that they have siblings that they cannot know? How will I ever be able to explain my actions?" Once I had my children I did not wonder or worry any more. I knew that if I told them honestly about my first children, they would understand. I don't know how I knew that, but I did. I was right. My two boys are so very proud of their mother for being strong and brave. They tell everyone my story and then they add..."She loved them so much, she wanted the best for them. I think that is pretty cool!"

My children have taught me that what I did all those years ago only brought joy to those families. My children have taught me that life is what you make of it, so be the best you can be and follow your heart. My children have taught me that life continues to go on, and if you take on the challenge you might just be surprised at what it can bring for you. M children have taught me that love is what makes the difference.

was already parenting when I got pg with her

I do not want to have anymore children...ever. I was blessed with three of them prior to this adoption, but I feel like having more would make me a traitor to her. My husband wants more, but its not going to happen.

I think one of my biggest fears is that something is going to happen that will end up preventing me from having kids.  I also fear that I might not ever get married; therefore never being able to have kids.  But that is normal.  I just keep my head up and shoot for my goals in life.  I look forward to the day that I can actually be a mother of my own children.  It is in the future, but I believe that the patience will pay off (for once) J

My biggest fears are that A) the son I placed will think there was something wrong with him that made me place him and parent others… and B) that children I’m parenting will worry that I will place them, too.  I also worry about things like separation anxiety and difficulty attaching to future children, but I’m doing as much in counseling/reading/journaling now to try to minimize those things.

I got married about 2 years after placing & now all I can think about is having another baby! I feel like that could help fill the void! But, we can't really afford children right now...so I have to wait. I do have a fear of not being able to have children, for whatever reason, which is another reason why I don't want to delay trying to get pregnant! I don't think another child will ever replace the baby that I placed (nor do I want one to!), although it will be soo nice to be pregnant with a baby that can be mine forever! Just think, having your baby with you in the hospital & knowing that you can actually take them home with you & you will always be their mommy! I'm sure that feeling will be priceless & I know I will appreciate being a mother so much more, because of my adoption experience.

I do want another baby when the time is right, but I have the fear that she might be angry.  Angry for not keeping her and going on to have another. Guessing how she is going to feel doesn't change the fact that I was in a bad place in my life when I had her, and I am in a much better place now. 

Now that I'm pregnant again, I'll be honest I went through a really emotional period during the first part of my pregnancy trying to cope with the fact that I was pregnant again. I was happy but all of the memories from my first pregnancy came back to me, especially where this baby is only due a month after my birth son was due almost exactly (my baby is due March 17, and he was due February 18). I'm also worried about how I am going to tell my kids that I had a baby before them and let him be adopted

16. whats the best coping method when you feel overwhelmed with guilt and sadness? loneliness? anger? anything?

Laugh...laughter is the best medicine, its also important to talk to people who have BEEN through what you have and vent your frustrations and sadness, I have been able to remain in contact with the majority of the girls who placed babies at the same time and I did and who were also in my support group, its been VERY helpful for all of us.

I keep a blog. I talk to my case worker about things. I talk to other birth moms who have been there or are going through it and what they did to keep going. I try to have fun and not dwell on it. When I felt lonely I signed up for LDS singles and went on dates with guys just for fun. Nothing serious that's for sure. I'm not ready for a serious relationship for a long time. I will definitely have my days and just cry and pray to God and ask him why he let me go through this. It's been hard but it's made me a stronger person. I sometimes feel like I can do anything but I'd also like a break from life as well, it's okay to take a pajama day from life I think.

It is different for everyone, but I cry until I just can't anymore. If I am still angry, I write a "hate letter". I read it out loud and then burn it. It is very satisfying, I promise. Talking to another birth mother always helps me too.

Get involved with something where you help someone else. Not necessarily with adoption stuff, but something to do with helping others. Go to school and become a nurse or a CNA or something like that. Or you could travel, go to school for whatever you want to study, find a really interesting job, or something. The busier you are, the better you will feel because you won’t be dwelling on those feelings.

I also can’t express to you enough the value and help of counseling. Find someone that specializes in grief counseling and hopefully also women’s issues. That was the greatest thing I ever did.

I never really feel angry that much. Sadness and lonliness is hard. I would say try to distract yourself. Read a book, watch a movie, spend time with family or friends.

Everyone had their own way of coping. Like I've mentioned, there are support groups, I kept a journal for her. This helped because I could write her when I was in deep thought, depressed, sad, happy, etc. it also reminded me of why I chose adoption in the first place.

It is very hard to do while you are in the moment if you do not “practice” this technique with smaller trials, but I find that the power of our thoughts is not one to underestimate.  When I am feeling upset about anything it helps to find something positive within the situation first; because there is always something no matter how small, and then to think of someone who is worse off.  Or think of a hypothetical situation that is worse than what you are going through.  Once you are reminded that it could be worse, things start to look up. ie) I was sad that I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.

I like to remind myself that I did something that many cannot do. I remind myself that I am strong. I remind myself that in the face of uncertainty, I held my head high and am proud of what I did for my children. I have no resentment, anger or loneliness about my decision. Please keep in mind that I have had many, many years to come to this realization. I know that it takes a long time to get where I am. But once I got here, what a great reward there was: knowing that my children appreciate what I did for them is the single greatest accomplishment of my life.

prayer, tears, counsel

Crying. That is the all time BEST coping method.  Just lying down and crying.  Talking about it is also a GREAT coping method which is why I LOVE Birthmom group that LDSFS has.  You can just go to group and talk about what you’re dealing with and facing. I also speak at other places with the adoptive mom about my experience.  I love it and it’s really helped me put things in perspective.

Friends who can take you out and make you do something else can be invaluable.  I also will write to my son sometimes or make him something (I’ve gotten into making softies since placement)… it’s a way to channel all those emotions into something productive and loving for him!

I try not to be alone! If I am with someone, I can be calmed or reassured. Just having someone there to show that they love you helps so much. I've found that I can get very depressed if I let myself. So now I force myself to tell someone close to me that I am struggling so that I can get support! People love you & although we don't love ourselves sometimes, we need to let others show their love for us. It will help! Don't try to be too strong or independent! You have done an incredibly difficult thing that no one should expect you to do on your own!

I don't keep in inside.  If I am feeling really sad I let myself cry.  I also talk to my friends and family about her and how I am feeling.  I find that just talking helps ALOT!

1 comment:

knl2008 said...

Thanks so much for sharing these responses, we (future adoptive parents) really, really appreciate it!
Kent and Liz van Wagteondk

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