Depression loses its power when fresh vision pierces the darkness.
Peter Sinclair
I love this... Once I decided to start really advocating adoption and putting my whole self into it I stopped crying as much, i realized my depression started to leave.
On days when I am feeling really bad i engage in service...this sounds ridiculous but It really works. The less you worry about yourself the easier it is to not sit in a haze of depression. So stay strong. Find something you are really passionate about and do something about it!!!
Have a great night!! Love Jessa
11 comments:
You're right Jessa. As an advocate for adoption, I find that it helps me a TON to help other girls in the same situation. My cousin, for example, is 17 and pregnant. After a little handiwork from me, Ellie is going to have a new baby brother or sister! Lol I think we've seen what my passion is and how I choose to express it ;)
Ok.. look.. I know you'll just all hate me for saying this.. and you'll tell me that i have no idea what I am talking about, but I have to say it anyway:
The reason why it feels good to tell other girls about how great adooption is and to "help" them is because it uncionsiously justifies your decision to place your baby. See, if it becomes the right choice for them, then it helps cement that it was the right choice for you..and while I KNOW that it DOES feel good.. please please listen to me when I say that it won't always feel good and really will backfire!
It should Not feel good to help other women giove away their motherhood. You are not helping them. You really aren't even helping yourself. The only ones that you are helping is the agencies and other adoptive parents and haven't you already done enough?
I know it FEELS good when others tell you how strong and selfless you are. I know those are the words that we tell ourselves when we are alone at night and the tears are about to come, but you cannot rely on the reliquishment to be the best thing that you have ever accompished in your life.
Hate me for saying it, curse me out, that's ok. I know you don't want to beleive what I am saying, but seriously THINK ABOUT IT.. think about WHAT you GET out of helping other women feel the way you do when your empty arms are aching in the evening. Think about what you will feel knowing that another girl is crying becasue you help convince her that adoption was the right thing to do.. good enough for you, good enough for her? Share the joy?
I'm telling you.. I know.. and I used to feel the SAME WAY, and I can only thank GOD now that I never had the opportunity to really spread a "little handiwork"...I would have too.. and I would hate myself for it now.
Faux Claud! While comments are greatly welcomed, rude, belittling, or outright attacking comments are not. If you are curious how I feel about See "Meeting with the Big Wigs" on my last paragraph. I am sorry that you may have had a bad experience. That is too bad. Sometimes when we haven't moved on in the grief process anger comes out. Please no more instigating of the blog war, we just got done with one and I am done fighting. I know what I feel is right and you know what you feel is right. We can keep on fighting for what we believe is right but please do it on your respective blog. God Bless and have a wonderful 2010. Jessalynn
Jessa,
I don't feel as though Faux Claud is trying to belittle, be rude, or attack anyone in her comments. I believe she speaks from experience, as do I. I think that for some, when you are young, you want to justify your decision (even if it feels to you that you don't have to.. and you don't!) When time goes by... you may feel differently. I can almost guarantee you will. Many young women feel secure in their decisions to relinquish. But that's not always the case, and even if it is, it's not forever. I am a birthmom. 15 years have gone by. While time has passed, it has only reinforced my opinion about not having the options, information, and maturity to have made a different decision. I really didn't feel I had options, but I know better. I think you have to take into account that everyone is differnet, and being pro-adoption as a birthmother can be very deceptive, when you are so young. I have a daughter who I have recently reconnected with. She will always be a different child for being adopted, well-adjusted.. but different. I suggest you sit down and talk to some adoptees about the work you are doing.When 15 years have gone by, I hope you still feel as great as you do now.
I wish you a great 2010 as well. Steph
Jessalynn - FauxClaud has been in your shoes... She's honest. She's been where you are. You haven't had time to be where she is.
I haven't been in a firstmom's shoes. I'm an adoptee. But it sounds like your grief process hasn't even started. I'm 45 and been talking to adoptees and firstmothers for over 20 years and I've never met one that hasn't been affected negatively in some way. Not one adoptee nor long-term firstmom has ever come out unscathed.
As a birthmother myself I find it wrong for any birthmother to tell another how they should or should not feel. I know Jessa personally and know without a doubt that she is secure in her decision and knows that it is the right one. She doesn't need "years of experience" to figure this out. No adoption is not for everyone and for some can have a negative effect, but I know in Jessa's situation as well as my own and many others it has brought so much positive. Yes we may have hurt and feel empty arms, but we make that sacrifice for the goodness of our children. Regardless if we feel pain or hurt there is no doubt that the choices we made were the right ones for the child. After all isn't the child the most important person in this situation? I can't even begin to think what my daughters life would be like if I would have chose to raise her. Sure she'd be loved but she wouldn't have the life she has now, and I'm not talking about materialistic things. If I would have raised my daugther she wouldn't have a father, and would never understand the importance of having two parents who love her let alone two parents that love each other.
ElaineP, I truly believe and KNOW that I have and will come out of this unscathed. My daughter is in a better place and is living a marvelous life. Not only that but she became the first child of a family who could not have their own in the biological sense. She is their daughter and they love her as such and I know she loves them as she would have loved me. Also, not only does she have a better life but I know that my life has been blessed as well. Not because I don't have her, but because I can see the happiness that has been brought to her life because of me, and to the life of her parents.
Lastly, I do not think Jessa has started this blog or is doing service for others like her to "justify her decision". She doesn't need to justify her decision, she knows what she did is right and she feels comfort in that, and how dare anyone say to her that it sounds like she hasn't even started her grieving process. I do not stand up for Jessa because she can't do it on her own (because she very well can), but I do it to stand up for myself and for all birthmothers like her and I. Ones that are comfortable in their decision and no feel great strength in being pro adoption!!
i would just like to clarify something very quickly. not one birthmother who has ever posted, read or guestblogged on this site has ever claimed to be 'unscathed' or unaffected by their choice to place. Not one woman here has ever claimed herself to be strong or selfless. many of us are 20+ years out in our adoption journey, many of us are not quite so far along.
those of us who have gathered here have done so to support each other in our very personal decision to place one (or more) of our children for adoption.
all of us have shared on this site about the grief, tears, and hellish days we experienced that have come before during and after placement. i can say with assurance that we do NOT focus ALL our energy on those days of our adoption journey. we CHOOSE to focus on the more positive, uplifting, and tender moments we have experienced before during and after our placement.
we choose to encourage adoption agencies and caseworkers to offer better and very much needed support to birthmothers after placement.
we encourage adoptive families to remember their birthmothers and the sacrifices that we have made in putting our childs needs above our own and encourage the adoptive families to honor their open adoption committments, whether it was a legal commitment or an 'in good faith commitment'.
the site is called 'by birthmothers for birthmothers' for this very reason. we are a group of women with common choice, common goals and ONE common experience- relinquishing our parental rights to another. our adoption experiences, when compared to each others, are often similar, but never the same, and are always unique. and so we gather strength from each others stories to face each new day, to further our healing and acceptance process and to revel in the power of choice that we were blessed with. most of all, we share in the joy that adoption has brought to each of us individually. we are not in denial, we are not ignoring the inner turmoil and hardship that comes from such a choice, we openly discuss the hurt and pain and tears, we just choose to not dwell or focus on it 24/7.
one of the biggest differences, i feel, is that most of us here, but most certainly not all of us, placed in an open adoption, which is a new concept and a new practice in the adoption world. (new as in the last 5-10 years, open adoption has only been the norm for the past 5 years.) of course placing a child under these circumstances is uncomparable to someone who placed in a closed adoption most likely more than 10 years ago, of course our paths are different, of course our healing journey is NOT comparable. of course we feel differently about adoption than many who had NO choice, NO communication and NO knowledge of their children.
it is rude and disrespectful to insist that my experience should be or will be like anyone else who has gone-before-me's experience.
of course adoption hurts, its a real pain. all pain can be healed. it often takes a lifetime of active constant work. any wound can heal if given the support needed to do so, the human body is the perfect example of this. it will not be the same as before the wound occured, but it can be healed and the body heart and mind can thrive. at this blog site we are helping each other to heal.
join us. dont join us. the choice is yours. but please dont waste energy trying to convince us that we are wrong, jaded, misguided, inexperienced or not aware of the consequences to the choices we made 1, 5, 15, or even 30 years ago. we are VERY aware. and so we fill our empty arms with each others love, with each others burdens, with each others hard days, with each others tears, with each others good days, with each others joys, with each others set backs, with each others accomplishments. we are here for each other, and for us, that works.
birthMOM- I couldn't have said it better. thank you for putting the words down!! to each their own experience, to each their own pain, to each their own happiness. But how great is it to have a place to lean on one another and to learn from each others experiences!! In that I don't think it is any ones place to tell someone how they do or do not feel.
I feel for Faux Claud (and honestly don't feel she was being rude at all). You asked for birth mother suggestions and Claud is a birth mother. She just happens to disagree with you. Similarly, as an adult adoptee who is also a Family Preservation and Adoptee Rights Advocate, it bothers me when people assume I had a "bad" experience or that I'm angry simply because I refuse to advocate for alternative permanent guardianship except in the case of a child being truly orphaned or abused.
I personally do not agree with encouraging other women to relinquish their children. Especially not when it's based on the principles of "open" adoption. "Open" adoptions are not generally legally enforceable. What happens when someone relinquishes under the premise of "openness" but their adoption is later closed by the adoptive parents?
I had a positive adoption experience. I grew up in a well-off home with all of the belongings and opportunities in the world. I have adoptive parents that love me and that I love more than anything. However, I am also a mother. The fact that anyone would think it was OK to tell me to part with my son if I were young, poor or without resources is disheartening to me. I am his mother and I deserve to parent him regardless of my socioeconomic status. A society that would sooner tell a mother that her baby is "better off without her" or that she doesn't have enough "things" in order to be a proper parent, instead of offering her resources to keep her family together, is a society that I am not proud of.
Children who do not have food and clothes do not need new mothers; they need food and clothes.
DNA does make you a mother. Carrying and birthing a child does entitle you to parent. Women deserve help parenting their babies regardless of age and socioeconomic status.
These are my suggestions; I hope you will consider them even though my opinion is different than yours. This site may be for birth mothers but I am a relinquished person; relinquishment impacts adoptees. I hope my opinion matters to you too.
Regards,
Amanda --an adoptee who unsealed her records almost one year ago (very few states allow this, mind you. Mine is one of them.) and has been in reunion since this past Saturday.
Contrary to a prior comment: open adoption isn't a new concept. It's the "family-to-family" approach by which many adoptions were done early in the last century--before agencies and attorneys (and "facilitators") began taking over the process and charging amply for it. But all the openness in the world doesn't cancel out the loss that happens when a child must be adopted and a biological parent forfeits the opportunity to parent. That's a truth that can't be denied.
And frankly, making it one's mission to "sell" other expectant moms on adoption (whether open or closed) can be misconstrued as perpetuating the problem.
Adoption can be a very appropriate alternative to those with limited options, but I think the concern some of the more "veteran birthmoms" are raising here is valid. Linking "adopter profiles" to this blog suggests that the goal is less about supporting others in their grief than adding others to the ranks, and that surely wasn't Jessa's primary goal. (At least, I hope not.)
Mothers who have placed children for adoption truly DO need places they can turn for affirmation and comfort-- without feeling they are being recruited to urge others to make the same painful choices they have made.
That is why the hopefuls are off to the side and never has there once been a post about YOU SHOULD PLACE YOUR BABY! Or PLACE YOUR BABY IT WILL MAKE ALL THE PROBLEMS GO AWAY! Don't think I don't hurt cuz I sure do! Dont' think I don't think about That sweet baby girl I had inside of me for 9 months. I held her in my arms for 3 days and talked to her and let her know her i loved her repeatedly. We talk about grief, I am going to talk to agencies to let them know what they can better do for birthmothers to help them better with the decision making process and to not push it so much. I am also telling them how to better counsel post placement. If you would like a copy of my presentation let me know!! Thanks for the comments!
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