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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

QUESTIONS are ANSWERED!! Q # 4

Answers from the lovely birthmothers:
Note – not every birthmother has answered every single question, please match the fonts and/or order of entry to know whose response you are reading!

if you would like to answers any of the questions please do so in the comment section and be sure to leave the number of the question that is being answered.



Deborah      http://www.sethanddebforever.blogspot.com/
Stefanie      http://stefaniejinelle.blogspot.com/
Megan   http://angryoctopusstudios.blogspot.com/
Alyssa       http://alyssa-rainbow.blogspot.com/
Anna      http://annamaryk.blogspot.com
Jennilee      http://foreverbirthmom.blogspot.com/
Amanda      http://travisandamandarosemans.blogspot.com/
Nicole       http://lifeafterfirstmom.blogspot.com/
Kelsey      http://thebestforyoubook.blogspot.com/
Cindy       watch her adoption story!
Shannon
Michelle
Andee         http://anabananandee.blogspot.com/
Britney
Janessa        http://scottandjanessa.blogspot.com/
Jennifer
Shanna     

questions for birthmothers from other birthmothers:


4. what are your top 5 high moments and your top 5 low moments of your adoption experience?


High-points: 
  1. My strong family support, the way the experience brought my family even closer together.
  2. Counseling (because it was soo helpful, healing and a great release for me).
  3. The immensely spiritual experience it was.
  4. I felt empowered in making the right decision for my daughter and being able to CHOOSE parents for her.
  5. The fact that the experience CHANGED my life for the better!  And in return it changed Anna’s.

Low-points:
  1. Being ready for an adoption then having it stopped abruptly.
  2. Having to wait 3 months to place Anna.
  3. Being in a Support Group with girls who kept their babies or were planning on parenting.... it was slightly annoying and painful.
  4. Hearing stories from Birthmoms who’s life was depressing and horrible after placement, kind of a downer and in my case completely untrue.
  5. Obviously as most Birthmoms would admit, I wished at that time I had been better prepared to have Anna and keep her, I do carry a bit of guilt that I was so naive to have sex before I was ready for responsibility. That guilt won’t ever go away, but it certainly doesn’t make me sad or depressed, because I made a bad thing become really good.
Top 5 highs
  1. Telling the adoptive family I picked them
    2. Knowing that I made the right decision with adoption
    3. Flying out to Virginia to see the adoptive family when I was 7 months pregnant
    4. Giving birth, holding Olivia the first time
    5. Watching the adoptive family in the hospital with Olivia "being a family"
    Top 5 lows
    1. Finding out about my unplanned pregnancy
    2. Finding out the birthfather wasn't going to marry me or be involved.
    3. Realizing I couldn't be the mom and went with an adoption plan (This was very difficult for me because I felt as if I failed as a mother)
    4. Walking out of the hospital alone and empty handed.
    5. Transitioning from being "mom" to "the birth mom."

Top 5 highs-- 1. When I found my couple. 2. Finally going to group and finding I am not alone and that I have friends. 3. announcing to my couple. 4. That first picture message 20 mins after placement, letting me know Sara was safe and sound. 5. Seeing Sara happy, healthy, and spoiled. She has more than I could ever give her at this stage in my life.

Top 5 Lows-- 1. Realizing that I am no longer mom. That I am not the one she will want to comfort her. 2. Finding out that the birth father's mother was trying to stop the adoption the day of placement. 3. Signing those dang papers. 4. That last kiss 5. Second hand "firsts" i.e. smile, laugh, 'talking'

These are in no particular order.
High Moments:
1) Giving Birth – I’d do it 1000 times again
2) Spending time with her for 6 days before placing – connecting and then letting go
3) Finding, and then meeting, the family that I knew was supposed to be hers and getting to know them all through the many letters we wrote back & forth
4) Getting the letters and pictures every year on her birthday
5) Seeing the excitement and love in their eyes as I placed that baby into their arms
Low Moments:
1) Walking out of the room without my baby
2) The first 6 months of hearing babies cry and knowing that I don’t have mine
3) Trying to get rid of my enormous milk supply without having a baby to feed
4) All of the miscarriages later that brought up all of the same feelings of being lost and forgotten while your heart has been ripped out and taken from you (these feelings were, of course, accentuated by the miscarriages)
5) Trying to fit back in with friends and family and never really finding a place

top 5 high: seeing my son born, singing to him in the hospital, the love and support of my family, visits with the couple and son, The way my life has changed from the experience.
Top 5 low: empty arms, part of placement, miscommunication with agency to couple caused hurt feelings, missing milestones “firsts”, grief lose lots of crying and emotions.

Top 5 high moments:
- Having the feeling of comfort that even though it was hard, adoption was right for me
- Being blessed with having a couple to have open communication to draw boundaries in order to have an open adoption experience.
- Being grateful the couple brought up open adoption, I think that encouraged me to place
- Being able to have peace of mind that for me it was right, and I see it in my daughter's  eyes everytime I see her.
- As a parent after placement, it is my role to make sure my child is safe and provided for. As my only right and responsibility I had to "Bunny" through adoption I was able to do that for her.
**To low Moments
- No matter how happy your experience, you will always wonder what life would have been like if the situation was different
- Postpardum Depression along with grieving after the papers were signed. Make sure you have a strong support group
- Wishing I could have done more for her
- Having no  support from my family about the adoption
- Being pregnant and bonding, then having to bond in a different way after placement

5 high
~getting letters from adoptive parents
~getting photos from adoptive parents
~finding out where my son was and what his “real” name was
~finding out from the adoptive parents that he had grown into a nice young man who had all the opportunities the world had to offer and was happy and well adjusted
~finding out my son was interested in finding me someday

5 low
~Leaving the hospital without the baby
~Going back to school and having to answer to people who wondered where I’d been
~The quiet moments of the few weeks following placement
~My first mother’s day after placement (one month later for me)

Highs: Seeing my children for the first time. Knowing that my family and friends were my support system. Having the moxy to stand by my requests as a birth mother in a time when it was not the norm. Knowing now, all these years later, my children really understand that I loved them so much I chose to give them the best that I could in my decision to adopt. Dancing with my daughter at my wedding, by her request.

Lows: The horrible treatment that I received from my home State of Missouri in my first adoption. Saying goodbye to my children in the hospital. The guilt. The grief. The curiousity. The previous three were a constant that lingered for years and years.


Not sure if I can pick that many moments, but some are: high moments- the minute she came out, which only took 2 pushes, the relief I felt was so immense I can't describe it. Holding her and getting to look her over and hold her tight while saying goodbye I will never forget. It was a high moment as I finally spent time with her but at the same time a very low moment because I knew I was saying goodbye and really leaving her with other parents and that broke my heart. The first visit after placement was a high moment but the aftermath was a real low because I had not dealt with the grief. Our last visit was a very high moment because I saw how happy she is and it was amazing to see how she grew and to have her interact/talk with me and what a miracle she is. And that she is a daddy's girl, I am thrilled I got to give her a daddy and that is a high moment for me.

top 5 high-
1-knowing shes in a place where she can get everything she needs that i could never provide
2-seeing her happy n healthy

top 5 low
1-the pain
2-crying myself to sleep
3-the guilt
4-wishing things were diff n i coulda kept her
5-bad dreams

I have a top four- When Marc and Lisa announced they finally stopped worrying about a failed placement and bought a crib. Watching the relief and love when they held her after birth. Meeting Rob Thomas after he came out with "Her Diamonds" and getting to tell him my adoption store. Seeing her at seven months. As far as worst moments...signing the paperwork, the Aparents not meeting their timeframe for updates, and all the days I spent laying on the floor bawling. Fighting with my husband about my grief, and the lack of support from my friends after placement.

(These are in order of occurrence) High Moments: Meeting the Adoptive Couple, The first Ultrasound/finding out gender; The many baby showers/seeing their excitement; Holding her for the first time; The hospital stay where I got to be her mother; Being able to watch her grow from a distance and all of my visits with her.
 Low Moments: Deciding to place; realizing what was best for my baby; Accepting the reality that I was not going to be her mother, just her birth motherl Holding her for the first time (this was both a high and low moment for me. Very mixed emotions)l Signing the papers/placement day; Her first Birthday                   
Highs:
a.       Attending his baptism and meeting his family (and having them all be very kind and accepting of my presence)
b.       His mom saying in an e-mail that she was worried he would experience stranger anxiety with me because she wanted him to always know/remember me
c.       The last pre-birth meeting we had... we were finally getting comfortable with each other.  His dad saying 
d.       Hearing from my social worker that his parents were worried about me after our first post-placement visit (I walked away crying) and mentioning that we were the most concerned about one another of any match she’s had
e.       Being spontaneously invited to spend time with them on Halloween
Lows:
a.       Signing the relinquishment.  Hands down. most.painful.moment.of.my.life.
b.       The entire first week post-placement
c.       The anticipation of finalization day
d.       Dealing with the birthfather
e.       Dealing with mean people and their nasty comments

3 comments:

birthMOM said...

my 5 high:
~meeting the couple 'on the sly'.
~announcing to the couple that they were going to be parents.
~soaking in the feelings of empowerment from having just given birth.
~placement.
~seeing the baby: in ultrasounds, when he was born, and then at visits.

my low 5:
~being sent to a different hospital since mine was full and on divert and therefore being robbed of my all natural underwater birth experience.
~living in fear of the birthfather and his threats during the pregnancy, endless nightmares.
~when the birthfather contacted a lawyer after placement, fear and helplessness is an understatement.
~when the open adoption was closed 6 mos after placement due the couples fears and insecurities
~the sealing, emotionally a very low point yet i was extremely happy for the baby.

Sissy said...

I am a waiting adoptive mother, hopefully soon to be matched with a birthmother. Thank you for posting this. These are things I have often wondered about, as I know there will be so much joy on my end, but hurt on the other side. We have been through a failed placement, where mom decided to parent, and those moments were difficult, but not to be compared to what placing would have been for her.

We hope and pray to be able to complete our family soon. This will be our first and possibly only adoption, and providing for a child is our deepest wish. Thank you to all of you who shared. These are posts every adoptive parent should read.

Karine said...

This was really informative ladies! Thank you for taking the time to write it all down and for sharing that with everyone. I know many birth mothers will benefit from it, as hopeful adoptive parents like myself.
I love you guys! Your an amazing group of women and you all inspire me and excite me for the day I can call the birth mother that chooses us family :)
Love to you all and thank you for your strength and testimonies.

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