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Sunday, January 10, 2010

Struggles.

This week has truthfully been tough for me. With the blog wars for one, I went to my bed sick to my stomach every night that I had somehow created a place for fighting back and forth. This was not my original intention...although i know most of you know that. Then I found out that my best friend in the entire world lost someone near and dear, unfortunately I am two states away and just heartbroken I can't be there.

Then I had an experience just the other night:
I was presenting the blankets 4 birthmothers program to some people in my Relief Society, one of them asked me a lot of questions about my adoption process. Then she said to me, "You seem so happy now, wasn't it hard?!?"

This is my answer-
Yes it was hard and it is hard. I think about Josie every single day. I miss her, A LOT! I wish I was there when she does everything for the first time, I wish I could hear her laugh. I've wanted to be a mommy my whole life...since my mom had my baby brother. I love kids! I am very good with kids! But, God confirmed to me this was the right choice. Not my adoption agency (LDS Family Services), Not my terrible financial situation, Not my lack of career or education, but God. I could of raised Josie, and probably would have been one heck of mommy... but I wanted Josie to have a daddy to show her how to fish and go camping, a mommy who can stay home with her and show her how to do all the fun girly things, 2 big brothers who love her more than anything, a family to play with her and spoil the heck out of her. More importantly I wanted Josie to have an eternal family, to have the strong influence of the gospel at all times.

Truthfully, LDS Family Services is not my favorite thing in the world, and I know the other blog admin, birthMOM, would agree with me. Truthfully, placing for adoption is REALLY hard, and REALLY emotional. But life is sometimes about sacrifices, its about doing what is right even when its hard, and most importantly its about doing what God wants us to do, about following his plan. Yes it was hard. As Russell M Nelson once said, With Celestial Sight, Trials Impossible to Change Become Possible to Endure.

Hopefully this will not spark a whole crap load of controversy. This is my blog, and if I wasn't truthful of how I feel then it wouldn't be worth having one. So I ask if you are going to leave a comment, think about it before you write!

I love you all, Jessalynn

4 comments:

Kelly said...

Jess,

I hope this ends your week with a smile :)

http://givingwhatiam.blogspot.com/2010/01/birthmothers.html

Remember you rock!

Kelly

aislin13 said...

You know the blog wars were hard on all of us on both sides. I'm really sorry they added to your suffering at all and i know you feel the same way about us. I think some (I can't say all because I don't speak for everyone and its just my opinion) read way too much into what was written. I know I am guilty of that as well. It got too emotional quickly and we lost the ability to discuss at all. While you are secure in the decision you made I am not secure in the decision I had taken away from me. We are different sides of the coin. I like to hope that doesn't have to make us enemies. We do go through many of the same emotions living apart from our beautiful children.
I hope that if anything good can come out of this last week it is that we can now discuss issues with sensitivity to each others experiences. Maybe then we can work on ways to make adoption more ethical so that my side of the coin is rare or non existant and yours is the norm.
I will keep your friend in my thoughts during this difficult time.

The Millers said...

I agree Jessa, If I hadn't of felt so overpowered with God's love about adoption, there's no way I would have done it. I too would have been a great mom (as most of us probably would), she would have had tons of people around her who loved her, I may have been able to pull it off financially by the skin of my teeth even, but God knew otherwise.

My experience with LDSFS was marvelous, but I am sure it has it's flaws like anyone else and like any other adoption agency might have. But I can attest to the fact that if I hadn't felt so strong about my decision, there's no way I would have placed my daughter for adoption, even though all the odds were against me.

Karine said...

Jessalynn,
your so inspiring and strong! Just know you have made a difference in so many lives by your testimony and how you live daily. It shows. Your blog is beautiful and a great place for birth mothers, and those who support birth mothers to come together and gain strength from one another.
Thank you for always standing strong for who you are and what you believe in! :)

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