Monday, June 21, 2010

Can Open Adoption Be Healthy!?!?

The answer is YES
I wanted to put this picture up because if there is ever proof of a healthy adoption triad relationship this is it. It is not just my relationship with an adoptive couple that works this way. I know several that are as awesome as mine. And I should note that every successful relationship works a different way (so try not to get all offended about every point that does not work exactly with your philosophies). These are just the main ordeals I have noticed from other birthmoms and myself.

Why it works:

--I know that I am NOT her mom. I am her birthmom. (oooh I bet I get some pretty evil comments on that one...bet ya ten bucks). I think a lot of girls make this mistake. They get in their heads they are the mom. That they need to give too much input on how they are raised, dressed, etc. While this is okay to talk about a little bit before placement it should not be pushed on the adoptive couples.
--I know that when our visits are over its not Good-bye its See ya later. I have been told by other adoptive couples that when girls get SUPER emotional after a couple visits it wears them down. Most of this is because they are afraid they are hurting the birthmom more by having these visits. This doesn't mean crying is bad. It means sobbing uncontrollably and not wanting to let go can be a little scary.
--She will always know she is adopted. Its not going to be some scary thing she finds out when she is 18. This way she can work out the questions and confused feelings she has as she goes along. Not all of a sudden she gets the news dropped on her and she has to scramble to figure things out.
--I know that even if Josie chooses not to speak to me or have regular contact with me when she is older. That is her choice. But I have a peace of mind knowing that I will always have contact with her parents. I will always know that she is okay. That is the most comforting truth I have in my heart.

Now like I said... These are my opinions based on my experiences. They do not mean that they are the right way. I just couldn't believe when someone said that open adoptions don't work. THEY DO!!! As long as there are boundaries set up and they are maintained it generally works out pretty fantastic.


Mariel Conrad (Hansen) said...

I totally agree! I love the relationship that i have with my couple and with my little guy. Thanks for your post, its so true, and people out there need to know it

Angee said...

What a wonderful post! We LOVE our open adoption. We have a very close relationship with our daughter's birth mom and are continuing to get to know our daughter's birth father. We want our daughter to know that she is loved by her birth parents as well as us. We are so happy to have both parents in her life and in ours. :)

Kim said...

This past Saturday we were sealed to our daughter and we were so excited that her birth mother was there waiting outside the temple for us. She was just as excited for us as we were. She joined us the following day at her blessing in our Ward. I cannot imagine it any other way. I love the open relationship that we have with our daughter's birth mother. Some people don't understand it and fear that she hasn't "let go" but it's not that way at all. There are many ways that open adoption can work for everyone and we just feel like we've gained many new family members, not just a daughter.

Thank you for your post!!

debs life said...

I think it CAN work too! Except under special circumstances, like the ones you pointed out. If the Birthmother is really immature about it or doesn't have a mature mind about it, it could be really difficult.

BUT, that being said, it TAKES maturity to know what's right for your child, so I would say that most Birthmom's are ready for this step. Plus, I think that knowing that it's a "See ya later" instead of a "Goodbye" would make it not as hard to let go or to make the decision to begin with. It's a WIN WIN. I would love to have an open relationship with Anna one day, but that will be her and her adoptive parents decision to make....and hopefully one day they will.

Anonymous said...

That is SOOOOOOOOO true Seth and Deb! If the Birthmother is mature is can be a great situation!
In my situation it is best to have it more closed.

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