I met Alli at FSA conference! I loved talking to her! I was glad when she agreed to being a guestblogger,
Just one month before I graduated from high school, when I was 17 years old, my wonderful father passed away from esophageal cancer. Three short months later I moved 4 hours from home to attend college. I thought it would be a good move for me, to get away from everything that had happened and all the people that knew.
Instead of getting away from everything and healing, I found myself alone, with no one who understood and I was unable to move on. I started turning to other things to get rid of the hurt and emptiness I was feeling, mostly alcohol. Alcohol, for me, lead to many stupid things. One morning I woke up covered in frost on a friend’s front lawn. I once watched a friend fall down three flights of stairs, he got up and laughed. I burned off my eyelashes while trying to light a candle. I ran out the back door of a frat house and into the dark while police were coming in through the front. I ended up in the E.R. And in March, six months after meeting my now ex boyfriend, I found out that I was pregnant.
January I thought maybe I’d missed a period. February I was pretty sure I’d definitely missed my period, and I’d started feeling sick. In March I broke up with my boyfriend, it was a long time coming. I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me if I was we’d deal with it together.
I remember grabbing my cell phone late one night and heading into an empty stair well. I had a phone call to make and I was terrified. I remember shaking as I dialed my Mom’s phone number and the tears choking me while I told her I thought I was pregnant. I remember the tone in her voice; I remember there was no surprise in it. Maybe that was what hurt the worst. She asked me if I was sure, and told me I’d better take a pregnancy test. Somehow, as disappointed and angry as she obviously was, she made me feel better. I knew she would.
I headed to Wal-Mart about 3:00 a.m., praying I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew. Buying a pregnancy test was terrifying for me. I was ashamed. I took it as soon as I got home, and it read like I knew it would. Positive. I was ANGRY. I headed over to the ex boyfriends house. His girlfriend’s car was parked out front, and this made me angrier. I pounded on his door, waking him in the middle of the night and threw the test at him. He asked me what I was going to do. I asked him what WE were going to do and I left.
The next day I went into the university’s health center where I took another test, also positive. I guess my reaction was bad, because they immediately sent me into a counselor, who made an appointment for me the very next day at LDS Family. I called my Mom that day and we talked about adoption. I don’t remember any other options being discussed much. I knew that I wasn’t in any shape to care for a baby, I wasn’t even caring for myself.
I begged the birthfather to be involved, and at first he said he would, but he wouldn’t be home when he said he would, and he’d never show up where we said we’d meet, and I finally gave up hope that he’d be there like he’d originally said he would. He didn’t tell his parents, and at the time I couldn’t have been angrier. He was getting away with this, he had no problems.
I was very alone after I found out about my pregnancy. I didn’t hide it and I think it scared some of my friends and others weren’t friends unless I was drunk. I moved home in May when the semester ended and started going to group at LDS Family weekly with my Mom. I don’t remember when it was I chose the family for my baby, but I remember the family I knew was right fit very few of my original criteria. I relied on the spirit and I wasn’t disappointed. It didn’t take long to become close with them. They had been married for years and had already adopted one little girl, Samantha would be their second.
October 15th, 2005, at 19 years old, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. She was perfect. My Mom was there with me the whole time; she cut the cord and slept in my room every night I was in the hospital. Samantha’s parents and sister came to meet her the next day. The held her and loved her and then they left. I didn’t ask them to, but they were so willing to give me the time I needed to say goodbye.
We left the hospital Monday and took Sam with us. Monday night and Tuesday night she slept in my bed with me. Tuesday we took her to the mall and I had pictures taken with her. Friends came to visit and people brought food. We celebrated Samantha’s life and told her that we loved her. Wednesday we placed her in the arms of her parents.
I had so much family support that day. My sisters, my Mom, my brother in law, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins all showered me in love. I can’t imagine doing it without such an amazing group of people behind me. When we got home from the agency I walked straight into my room with my Mom following behind. I remember turning to her and sobbing “tell them to give me back my baby. She’s my baby!” I can’t describe the hurt.
It’s almost five years later and I am convinced that placing that beautiful baby into the arms of her parents was the best thing I have ever done. She is beautiful, she is happy and she is home. I know this for a fact because I spend time with her often. A couple of weeks ago my husband, step father and I took Samantha, her older sister and her Mom fishing. I was holding my 3 month old daughter Ava and Samantha looked at her and told me “someday I’ll have babies and grandbabies too” I thought this was so cute. She went on to tell me “maybe some of them with have birth mom’s, like how I grew in your belly cause my Mommy’s was broken”. Nothing anyone has said to me has ever touched me like these words from my 4 year old daughter.
The birthfather is now involved in her life. He lives in another state, but he hasn’t missed a birthday or Christmas since our daughter was six months old. I remember the anger I felt when he wouldn’t own up to his mistake and tell his parents. Now I realize it was a blessing. His parents might have fought for her, or against the adoption. They may have stood in the way of something that was so right.
I have turned my life around. I am now married to an amazing man, we have a beautiful 4 month old and we see Samantha often. She and her parents are part of our family. Life is good. Adoption is good. It really is about love.