I've Been a Putz

Hey all. I'm sorry I've been a putz (This is Shanna). I haven't posted anything or talked to anyone. I thought I would write about an experience I had today. Today I was talking to my neighbor and she asked about my little boy that I placed for adoption (now just over two and half years ago). She asked about my story and why I made the choice I did. After I had finished telling her, she said "You poor girl. You've been through so much." I know she meant it out of kindness (she is such a sweet person), but it got me thinking. I feel that "poor girl" doesn't really apply. If it weren't for that little boy coming in to my life two years ago, I wouldn't be where I am. He is the reason I was pulled back in to place, and the reason I changed alot of things in my life. Placing him into the arms of another family was the hardest thing I ever did, and is the hardest thing I know I'll ever do, but how could I not give this little boy a chance with a steady, happy home where I knew with all my heart he needed to be, after he had done so much for me, even before he was born.

A lady I work with is about to become a grandmother. Her daughter is not married, admits that the father of the child will not be involved, and that she knows her mother will be the one raising the baby. When her mom asked her if she would place the baby for adoption the girl said there was no way she could do that because she loved her baby too much. I have nothing against this girl, and have told her I hope the best for her, but something in my heart just hurt when I heard she had said she loved her baby too much to let him go. I know she didn't mean it to come across as mean or attacking in any way, but for me it hurt because I love my little boy so much, even a few years later. I still feel as deep a love for him as I have for my daughter now.

I feel that there is a purpose for all things, I feel that a child cannot be an "accident"; there are no accidents in life, there are just some things that are not planned. It all depends on how you view and handle the situation that makes it feel like an "accident". I will never consider that little boy an accident or a mistake. When people ask if I had a chance would I go back in time and change things, I have a hard time answering. I would want to change all the wrong things I did, but if I changed all of those things, I wouldn't have had him.

Anyway that's my little spill. I will try to be better about posting from now on. Love you all.