*Warning: Long Random blog ahead*
First of all hello adoption world, I am back. Secondly, love this song and love Mark Schultz. This song and his song My Son are my two favorites because they remind me of two of the most important men in my life. My Son is for my husband because his parents listened to it alot through out his life and his multiple heart surgeries, and Everything to Me for my sweet little "Mr. B" as his mom and I call him.
I haven't posted recently and really felt like I needed to. I am not a very open person about any aspect of my life (a major frustration for my husband on days I'm having my break downs) and so I never know what to write about.
Lately I have been thinking about Easter and it's meaning (I am a teacher for 3-4 year olds in my church and have been working on a lesson for this Sunday). I remembered something I wrote (I am an emotional writer; life gets me down or makes me happy, I write) not long after I had placed Mr. B into his parents' arms and I wasn't sure if I had ever posted it on here or not, so I thought I would share that as well as a few of my other thoughts. So, first here is my writing.
Oct. 15, 2008
My Testimony of Adoption and the Savior
For any young girl that is pregnant or anyone that doesn’t understand why I made the choice that I did to place my son for adoption here is a good example of why. I am not a verbal person, very often no one hears me speak about my feelings but can often find them written somewhere. I thought I would share an experience and some thoughts with you today.
In Luke 22: 41-42 it says “…Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done”. Christ praying on the Mount of Olives. He understands how I felt when I knew it was close to time to give Braxton to his parents. The night Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley passed away, I broke down, and cried to my mom telling her I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t give my child to someone else. I knew that even though Braxton wasn’t due for another three weeks that my time with him was short. I prayed for Heavenly Father to say I was supposed to keep my little boy but something in me told me, “No, you know what you are supposed to do.” My step-father gave me a blessing that night and then I prayed again, this time for the strength to do what I needed to.
Less than a week later, I was in the hospital holding this little guy and feeling at peace with my decision. Even when asked if I was sure that this was the choice I wanted to make by his adoptive mom, I couldn’t second guess myself again. I was sad, don’t get me wrong, when I had to walk out of the room leaving him in the arms of his parents, but my heart knew that this was the right thing.
I see Braxton now, and I see how happy he is and I know that even though for three days he was mine, he would always be theirs, and was always meant to be theirs. I can’t say what would have happened had I changed my mind or second guessed the Lord, I’m sure things would have worked out because I know that the Lord doesn’t want to see us suffer regardless of the choices we make, but I do know that Christ understands. He was never a young girl placing her child into the arms of another woman, but he was a man willing to give his life in order to save the souls of those who would come unto him.
I am now happy and engaged to an amazing man that, even though he barely knew me or the situation, was one of my best friends throughout my pregnancy and now is my very best friend. There are days that I still struggle and wonder what it would be like if things were different, if I had made a different choice, but through prayer and determination I know that even on the darkest day, the Son can still be seen. “…not my will, but thine, be done”.
My feelings about adoption have not changed at all since I wrote this. The only thing that has changed since I wrote this is that I am now married to the amazing man instead of engaged. I've had a few people accuse me of trying to run away from what I did, because I am not as open about my choice with other people, but that is not the case at all. I see Mr. B as often as our lives will allow (we live a ways apart and both of our families are busy) and I talk to him on the phone sometimes.
Something that touched me not too long ago, was on Mr. B's birthday I had called him, but they didn't answer their phone. My emotions were soaring and I was on a roller coaster all day with tears and then happiness at seeing how happy my now 3 year old is and how far I have made it in my life, add all of that on top of the hormones of being pregnant, and you get my drift. I sat down and cried after they didn't answer the phone. Of course, I knew they were thinking of me and I know they are concious of me daily, I have a very good relationship with his mom, but somewhere in a small spot inside myself, I doubted. "Maybe they aren't thinking about me. Maybe they have forgotten. It has been three years." Within a few minutes Mr. B's mom called me, and we chatted for a while.
She is open with her two kids about the adoption and allows them to make the choice of how much contact they want to have with their birthmom's and I am in full support of that. She asked Mr. B if he wanted to talk to me, and he said he did. She handed to the three year old the phone and he jabbered about how many toys he got for his birthday, and his cars. He told me about his dinosaur and cars underwear, and that he was going to eat cake later. He talked about Spider-Man and I couldn't quite understand what all else he was saying. Right before he gave the phone back to his mom, paused and then said "I wuv you". (Oh no, more tears). My throat closed for a minute and I finally cracked it enough to say "I love you too". He gave the phone back to his mom and we both stuttered through tears for a minute. She told me how she did not tell him to say that (which I believe her, knowing her feelings about the kids making their own decisions).
I got thinking later and sometimes still think, does he really "wuv" me or was it just something he thought he was supposed to say? I think it's partly true on both sides. He's only three and hears people say I love you all the time, so he probably just assumes that's what you say to people, but on the other side, he knows who I am even if he doesn't fully understand the depth of the situation. He sees my picture and knows my name. He hugs me when he see's me. He smiles and talks to me. If that isn't his way of showing love I don't know what is.
I want everyone to know I love this little boy with everything I have, and to let everyone reading this know, I may not really know you or know your situation exactly, but I "wuv" you too.