Wednesday, August 24, 2011

"I know I am not perfect" --Katy Vanderdoes--Guest Blogger

My Name is Katy VanderDoes and I placed a baby boy for adoption in August of 2008. Around the time I became pregnant I was at my lowest of low, after being in an abusive relationship for 9 months and suffering in the end every type of abuse I felt used broken and alone. I didn’t tell many people what had happened it took me a year or so to tell my parents. Instead of venting to others I decided to deal with it myself, and my way of dealing with it was setting goals I knew I could not reach. I demanded perfection from myself each and every day; I became a social eater eating only when people would notice that I wasn’t eating. When I finally hit rock bottom I weighed around 88 pounds and was severely depressed. However on the outside and to others I just looked like an extremely skinny happy eighteen year old. I had a co-worker who convinced me that the boyfriend I had was cheating on me and didn’t want me, he was a marine stationed far way, he told me how horrible people in the military are and to be honest I believed him after all I thought who would want me anyway. I broke up with the marine and then a few days later ended up at my coworkers house so upset and  in the end that night I made a choice that would not only change my life forever but it would change the life of a beautiful son of God. 

I went home and I was so upset about what I had done I prayed to my heavenly father and asked him for help. I asked for the strength to get me through the horrible mess I had gotten myself into. That is when I knew I had to change I knew that I needed to find myself and I knew I needed to let go of the things that were holding me down.

The next 5 months I started eating better found a better job; let myself make mistakes without beating myself up of them. I found joy in baking for others and did things that made not only me happy but others happy too. I grew closer to my parents and to my loving heavenly father. I wrote  Kyle a missionary that had been writing me faithfully for a year and a half, I couldn’t be happier. I was on the right track, it wasn’t until I had finally hit the 100 pound mark that I knew something was wrong I knew that the mistake I made 5 months back had not only affected me but it affected a sweet innocent baby.

I came home and I could have let the new that I was pregnant change me I could have gone back to my old ways at some point I know that I wanted to I know that I was so upset with myself for hurting the people I loved and even more so for hurting this little boy I was now carrying. But Kyle and my wonderful parents helped save me from my self. They helped me realize that I was a beautiful daughter of my heavenly father, and they supported me in my choice for adoption.

Kyle returned home and helped me through the final months of my pregnancy together we met the Dwelle’s the adoptive couple. When the day finally came for that little boy to come the Dwelle’s, my parents, and Kyle were all their in support of my and excited to meet him.

August 7th 2008 Bryce Dwelle was born, and August 8th 2008 I placed Bryce in the arms of his mother emotions we so high that day but I had such a wonderful feeling of comfort as I watch his parents hold him and love him.  I knew that Bryce was going to be in a home with loving parents and with the knowledge that he is a wonderful child of his heavenly father.  

5 months later Kyle and I were married, and a month after that we were able to see Bryce sealed to the Dwelle’s. It was such a wonderful experience. I am so grateful to have a close friendship with the Dwelle’s.

Throughout my journey I learned that I not only had to love myself and be myself but I had to learn to forgive others. I had to remember that no one is prefect and that our journey through life we are all bound to make mistakes. I also had to forgive myself and not hate myself for the foolish choices that I had made.

I know I am not perfect I know that I have my days where I struggle with myself but, all I have to remember is my heavenly father loves me and  I can remember how wonderful I can be and how everyone on this earth is a son or daughter of God and the deserve to be treated as one.


k said...

Thank you for sharing your story Katy, it has brought me such strength and helped me to be patient

Megan said...

Kayli, I love your last paragraph. I try to remind myself of those things too. I like to read your perspective.

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