Mrs. R asked a question about birthfathers on facebook the other day and it got me thinking.
|The only picture I have of the birthfather and I...saving it for Josie.|
I like many other birthmoms had a negative experience with the birthfather. He really could have cared less....or at least that is how he acted. He said one thing but did another. He was constantly telling me how much he loved me, how much he loved Josie, and how badly he wanted to be her father....but when it came down to co-pay, dr's visits and holding a job he didn't act upon any of it. The only good thing he did for me while I was pregnant was sign the papers when pleaded with.
With Josie i was induced. Meaning I knew the birthdate in advance. I told him the birthdate 3 weeks beforehand so he could make sure to at least make an appearance. I waited and waited....he never showed. I was heartbroken. Not for me...but for Josie. She deserved to know that he wanted her, that he loved her. He didn't come. It wasn't important to him.
I was so frustrated. i was bitter. i was livid.
this little girl deserved to meet her birthfather. she deserved to know he cared.
i sent him a few pictures of her birth...all non identifying. He still doesn't know where they live...i don't think. and the adoptive mom and i are not sure whether or not he knows their last name (there was a little oops on the email) but then he took those pics and put them on his MySpace and captioned them with "my little girl" "she looks just like her daddy." OH THAT INFURIATED ME. What the heck did you do for her?? Wouldn't it have been nice to be able to actually hold her and have a picture of you TOGETHER??
all of these were thoughts that ran through my head.
I was bitter for a long time. I couldn't talk about him in a positive way.
but then i started to think a lot about it. I don't want Josie to ever feel as if she can't ask me questions about him. i know a lot about him and i think she should too. i couldn't, for her sake, speak of him so negatively. I want Josie to love where she comes from not grow up loathing her birthfather just because I did. so i started trying to forgive him. trying to look over all the horrible things he had done to me and towards me. so i began with the positive things....
-He signed the papers--he was a soldier in the military, so to place he HAD to sign the papers by law. I found this out pretty far into my pregnancy and was panicked. after much pleading, crying, and logical conversation...he signed. Because of this Josie is where she needs to be.
-He gave her beautiful eyes, beautiful curly hair, and beautiful skin- She would not be nearly as pretty with just my genes. He made her gorgeous! I grew her but she is all him. Everytime she smiles....she looks just like him. She is beautiful....for this i am grateful...and i am sure she will be too ;p
-He gave her life--without him there would be no Josie. and that is the greatest thing he ever did. this world would not be complete without little Josie.
I wish that I could get him to answer some questions though...oh how badly i want these questions answered...
-What was it in the end that made you decide to sign the papers?
-Do you regret not being more involved?
-Do you wish you would have made the effort to come to the hospital?
-Do you wish you could hold her and tell her how amazing she is?
-Do you accept the adoption now?
One day i hope to meet him again...in this life or the next and ask him these questions. They would bring me such closure. My heart hurts for him. I wish soo badly that if they do meet sometime that i can be there to witness that beautiful moment. i can honestly from the bottom of my heart say that i would feel nothing but pure joy and happiness. I am sure i would cry because i was soooo elated that he finally gets to meet her. It breaks my heart they haven't yet. (of no fault to the adoptive couple.) If I ever get to witness that day it will be locked away in one of my treasured moments.
He is a good person. I wish him the best in life. I know deep down he knows what is right.