Friday, November 16, 2012

Human Relationships

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I got to travel to two wonderful FSA conferences. I got to see my Hilton Family and Tamra which was seriously a blast. I also got to hang with Stefanie and her sweetie. I got to visit Danelle and her lovely family. In Oregon I got to hang with birthMOM, see Katie, hang with Rachel and Tiffany, and Carrie :)

All this time I spent with these fabulous people. All of them are involved in an adoption triad.

Tamra and I spent many hours together (it is a wonder she didn't want to kill me after all that time) while spending that time together we talked quite a bit about adoption. (let me tell you what Tamra and I have a lot to say about adoption...if you couldn't already gather that.) While talking all this adoption talk we got into the conversation about open adoption. Tamra doesn't have an open adoption which I feel brings an interesting and always needed perspective.

I explained to her my frustrations with some of the things I have been seeing from my birthmommy friends. Of course Tamra helped me put more eloquently what I was trying to say. Our conversation went a little like this. (excuse the paraphrase)

Me: I am so frustrated with birthmothers complaining all the time when their visits have to be moved or Skype sessions can't happen always as planned. Don't they understand that the couple is running around trying to take care of the child. Things happen. I understand that birthmothers can be disappointed and maybe a little hurt, but it is no reason to be mad at them.

Tamra: Well, they sometimes forget it is a HUMAN RELATIONSHIP. (then a lot more stuff that is too eloquent for me to ruin.)

This is so true. As birthmothers we sometimes forget that an open adoption is just like any other human relationship. It has glitches, it changes, things happen. Put it this way, If a friend were to flake out on going to a movie with you, you would be disappointed, annoyed, but then you would move on, get over it, and schedule another time. LIFE HAPPENS!

Here is something that I have found that has helped me. I know I recently blogged about it, but it just weighs heavily on my mind.

Plan Skype dates or visits the day before, after, or week of events. this relieves stress on the adoptive couple. When they are young kids aren't going to be offended and hate you if you don't talk to them ON their birthday. psssh spread the week out, celebrate longer they will love it.

Just remember that just like any other human relationship things happen. It also takes time for the relationship to evolve. I wasn't able to feel comfortable texting my adoptive couple right away. It felt weird and foreign to me. Now she was one of the first people i texted when I found out I was pregnant. I also was literally freaking out before the first time I visited them. Now they've slept at my house, I've slept at theirs (normally i do not recommend this frequently but we live in different states so it's cheaper then a hotel.) They have seen my bed-head and I have seen theirs....ain't no thang.

Tolerance, Patience, and Understanding....
these are all necessary for any HUMAN RELATIONSHIP


birthMOM said...

i have to disagree with ya on a point or two!

greg.michelle.noah said...

It was great to meet you at the conf. I wish I had more time to chat with you.

Thank you for always doing such a good job of looking at things from the perspective of everyone in the triad – including the a-parents.

I'll tell you what. I'd like and love my boys' birthmoms whether they were respectful or supportive of me or not. HOWEVER, it makes it a whole lot easier that they are soooooo supportive and understanding. Because they treat ME so well, I really want to be extremely good to them. As a result we have incredible relationships.

I know it's probably unpopular to admit this, but I'm just a regular person that appreciates being loved and supported. And as you said, that's how human relationships work. And it really does work! Love those women so very, very much.

Anonymous said...

The pain is on both sides. It's very hard for a person to understand how their own mother can leave them, no matter how she explains. It's just the way the evil that is adoption works. A lifetime of pain for mother and child.

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