Friday, January 10, 2014

It Still Hurts

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A little under two years ago,  I had one of the most emotionally draining experiences I have ever had. I was attacked, over a comma. A comma in a sentence that I wrote. That comma stated I am a birthmother, now mother…..This made some people very mad.

I tried to not read the comments. I tried to ignore it. Yet I was up at three am for a few days going over and over it, trying to figure out what I had done wrong.

I didn't read this blog on the regular, a friend showed it to me. It broke my heart into pieces.

Because I distinguished I am a birthmother and a mother this made me an evil ice cold beast of a woman. It made me sad that it would come across that I loved my birth daughter any less than my daughter. It made me feel bad that others were angry that I don't see myself as her mother but as her birthmother. I was frustrated, hurt, and sad.

I was not perfect, out of desperation I posted a cry for help. My friends jumped in defending me. It turned into a war. After we exchanged apologies, some of my friends still attacked her. I asked them to stop. Because my friends continued I got another nasty post with more nasty comments written about me.

Today my blog reader feed suggested I read this blog that wrote the posts. I broke down in tears.

I cried because it still hurts. Even though apologies were exchanged, the words still linger. I pretend I have a thick skin, but I don't. I internalize everything. If a friend tells me they are depressed I think about them constantly and feel their pain too. If I see a car accident with injuries I wonder if they are okay for the rest of the day.

While I thought about this…here are some thoughts that came to mind:

1. Remember in preschool or church when they used the tube of toothpaste. The instructor would squeeze all the toothpaste out saying they signified words. They then proceeded to ask you to get the toothpaste back in the tube. You can't. It isn't a possibility. I think this is the best lesson ever taught. I wish I paid attention to it more. I am guilty of being mean to other people, gossiping, etc. I have said things I wish I could take back. You can apologize but it still hurts.

2. I am thankful that they apologized, I am thankful they accepted my apology on behalf of myself and anyone who may have wronged them. I am thankful we have forgiven each other (hopefully they me, but I know I forgave them)

3. I watch Ellen everyday almost. I love it. My favorite is at the end she says, "Be Kind To One Another." When did we forget to be kind? When did we forget to always think of other's first when we proceed with our actions.

4. Lastly, I think about adoption. It is a fairly polarizing subject. There are many who hate it and seek to only blog about the bad, as I seek to blog mostly about the good. Both sides have different feelings, they have experiences that caused those feelings. They are just as entitled to their side of the story as we are ours. I think sometimes us kool-aid drinking, rainbow farting unicorns forget that. They get to have their story too. They get to share their experience too. They have a reason they feel that way. I joined a group on Facebook a while ago, and there are some birth moms/fmoms/nmoms who don't feel so happy about adoption. At first I was annoyed about them ganging up on others posts (I still do from time to time) but overall, I have learned. I learn a lot just from watching. They have experiences to share. We can learn from others experiences. Let us wait and watch more, jump and attack less. This is my goal. I may not agree with their tone or everything they say but there is a lesson to be learned from these women who were coerced, lied to, or just with bad experiences. I also say to the other side, listen to us as well. Don't tell us we are going to regret it. Don't tell us we are dumb and brainwashed. You may be surprised to find that not all of us have perfect experiences either, we just choose to have a positive tone.

So, I am going to copy Ellen and say


and add


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