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Friday, February 21, 2014

Nobody Is Asking US

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To Whom It May Concern:

There have been many articles lately in the news here in Utah about birthfather rights in the adoption world. There is one story in particular going around, It is that of Jake Strickland and other birth fathers suing for dishonest adoption practices. All these men are getting to tell their story, which is great. There is one problem, Nobody is asking us.

Who are we? We are the birthmothers. We are the women who chose to place. We are the women who carried the child for nine months. We are the ones with morning sickness. We are the ones with medical bills. We are the ones with this innocent beautiful baby growing inside of us day by day, all the while we are making the decision of what to do with our unplanned pregnancies.

This is a travesty.

Some of us had involved birth fathers, some us had ones that left and never talked to us again. Some of us had birth fathers who begged us to get abortions, some of us had birth fathers who then said they would fight for the baby. Some of us paid for every single thing ourselves, Some of us had birth fathers who helped. One important thing: ALL OF US followed the law.

Not every birth mother is sneaky and dishonest, in fact 99% of them are not. One of us has a birth father included in this ridiculous law suit. She followed the law as well. Some of us had birth fathers in the military, making our adoption choice even more difficult, but we still followed the law. One of us is married to the birthfather.

So we ask, hear our side. Listen to what we have to say. We do believe laws need to be reformed, but we do also believe laws need to be kept birthmother friendly.

12 comments:

Unknown said...

Your so upset about these birth fathers fighting for their rights and want to put your two cents in on your rights. but the bigger question in all of this that all you birth mothers are ignoring when you put a child for adoption...WHAT ABOUT THE ADOPTED CHILD'S RIGHTS? No one things about this helpless child being an adult and having the same rights you do you only think about yourselves, and what your going through, your morning sickness, your trouble with the bills, your lack of help or contact from the father, or your desire to be rid of that unwanted child. The fathers have their own things they want or don't want but US whose thinking about OUR RIGHTS? NO ONE!!! And we want the right to know WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, WHY and HOW! That OUR right and we're the ones whose rights and wants are being ignored and trampled on.

Kylie Martinez said...

Dear Unkown,

While I have never placed a child, I watched my sister go through making the decision.

Do you HONESTLY think that the baby was not thought about? Do you HONESTLY think it was easy for a woman, who carried that child for nine months, to place? Seriously, as I watched my sister make the decision to place, it was completely selfless. I know my sister took the time to measure out the pros and cons, trying to decide how her baby would best be raised.

So, it sounds to me that you didn't like your adoptive family or something, because every woman I know that has placed is one of the most giving and caring people I've met.

They care about THEIR rights, yes. But why do they care? So that they are better able to think of their CHILD's rights.

So stop trolling the internet, and maybe do something to change something YOU think needs to be changed, instead of saying mean words to selfless women.

Brenda Horrocks said...

Completely support and appreciate your blog post!!! There are many many many behind you in this!

ROBYN Chittister said...

Right now the laws of many states, especially Utah, are ANTI-birthfather.

Birth fathers can't be pregnant. They can't carry a child for 9 months. They can't have morning sickness. But they did help create the child, and they do have a right to parent that child if they can. They have the right to make decisions too.

If an expectant father is abusive, the laws should be such that they don't allow him to parent. If an expectant father abandons an expectant mother during pregnancy, then the laws shouldn't allow him to parent. But if the expectant father was never told he was an expectant father, then he can't assert his rights, and that is wrong. If he's just an ordinary guy who wants to parent his child, then he should be able to do so.

Josh said...

Robin,

A father CAN assert his rights even if he doesn't know he got someone pregnant. All he needs to know is the name of the person he slept with (having sex is how children happen).

If he's just a guy that wants to parent his child, he can. He just needs to step up.

What people miss is all of the cases where a "father" says out loud that he is going to be a parent, but doesn't assert any legal rights and disappears after he stopped her from doing what she felt would have been best for hide child.

There's some changes that need to be made but the law is set up the way it is to protect all parties.

Josh said...

Unknown,

There's a bill trying to be pushed in Utah that would move in the right direction in giving rights to adoptees in knowing who their birth parents are.

Unknown said...

Kylie Martinez, I had a very loving family and wouldnt change that aspect of my life at all. BUT that doesnt mean I dont have the right to know who my birth mother/father is/was. How would you like to grow up knowing nothing about your medical history, and nothing about where you came from? Im not saying all birth mothers who place for adoption are bad, just the opposite, most are great women. What Im saying is that there should be not CLOSED adoptions, if a child wants to know the birth parents at age 18 or 21, whichever, then they should be allowed to. Some will want the info some will not. But that needs to be the adult adoptee's choice not the state/church/agencies decision.

And I know for a fact that my birth mother was told by the agency that I was a boy so when or if she looked she'd look for a boy not a girl. How is that right?

Also in todays society with DNA (which is how I found my birth mothers family, she passed away in 1999) its going to be hard to keep adoptions/sperm donors private/closed.

Leenburke said...

I'm not understanding what you believe to be a "travesty". In my opinion, and many others, the fact that fathers were deceived about adoption plans and had their children given away to strangers is a travesty.

In what way do laws need to be kept "birthmother friendly"? Adoption laws, regulations, and procedures are a far cry from being "birthmother friendly" as it is. Which laws are you referring to?

Adoption laws need to be reformed so that they are "family friendly", the family being the mother, father, would-be adoptee, and extended family. If anything, instead of making it easier and therefore introducing more immoral practices into adoption, we should be advocating for laws to be changed to make adoption more "friendly" for the person who may be put up for adoption. After all, they are the people affected most by adoption and they have absolutely no voice or choice in the matter.

If a father wishes to raise his own child, regardless of what was said during a mother's pregnancy, that is his right. It is also that child's right to be raised by their original family.

Dorkzilla78 said...

Here's the thing....it doesn't matter if he didn't pay for your maternity clothes or attended an appointment, once that child is born, he has as much right to say yes or no to the adoption as you. And this is coming from another birth mother. They have rights. Just because we go through it all and give birth does not give us sole rights to make that decision and then have the fathers fight unfair and anti-father laws just to have the right to raise their own child.

Doesn't matter what he did or didn't do for you. He wants to raise the child, the adoption should never go forward. He shouldn't have to prove any damned thing other than paternity. Enough of this signing stupid registries (which most men don't even know about) or "pre birth support" (you're pregnant not disabled). DNA alone should be all the courts need. Unless the man has a nasty violent history, he should be given preference over the strangers the mother picked because she's pissy at him over something that has nothing to do with parenthood.

Most of these men who are fighting for their children are being railroaded by ass backward laws, bitter ex girlfriends and wanna-be parents who feel more entitled to another person's flesh and blood. Both parents have equal rights. Fathers should not be forced to go above and beyond just to have rights to their child.

Dorothy Argle said...

NO ONE IS ASKING YOU BECAUSE YOU SIGNED YOUR RIGHTS AWAY


Sheesh.

You have no rights. You have no say. Your part in the matter is done.

theadoptedones said...

Part One...

“There have been many articles lately in the news here in Utah about birthfather rights in the adoption world. There is one story in particular going around, It is that of Jake Strickland and other birth fathers suing for dishonest adoption practices. All these men are getting to tell their story, which is great. There is one problem, Nobody is asking us.”

Because their story is not about you, it is a story that happened after you made the choice you did, if you purposely excluded them from asserting their rights to their child.

“Who are we? We are the birthmothers. We are the women who chose to place. We are the women who carried the child for nine months. We are the ones with morning sickness. We are the ones with medical bills. We are the ones with this innocent beautiful baby growing inside of us day by day, all the while we are making the decision of what to do with our unplanned pregnancies.”

The framing of your experience speaks volumes. Using words like “the child” and “this innocent beautiful baby growing inside us” and “what to do with our unplanned pregnancies”. It’s called distancing, think about it, the only part you claimed as yours, was the unplanned pregnancy. Why didn’t you say “our child”, “our innocent”. It’s almost as if you viewed yourself as nothing more than incubators of an unplanned pregnancy, I certainly hope that isn’t true.


“This is a travesty.”

I would argue that it is about damn time.

theadoptedones said...

Part Two

“Some of us had involved birth fathers, some us had ones that left and never talked to us again. Some of us had birth fathers who begged us to get abortions, some of us had birth fathers who then said they would fight for the baby. Some of us paid for every single thing ourselves, Some of us had birth fathers who helped. One important thing: ALL OF US followed the law.”

Again, your choice of words is telling: “All OF US followed the law”. Not, all of us did what was just, moral, right. You followed the law. That is your defense? You must know that there have been many unjust laws in the US. Laws that allowed husbands to beat their wives, rape them. Laws that denied women the right to own property, to vote. Laws that allowed ownership of another human being. Laws that denied illegitimate children the right of inheritance, support from their parents. Laws that denied people of color the right to vote. Laws that segregated humans based solely on the color of their skin. Laws that took Native American children from their parents, and placed them for adoption in white homes, residential schools. Those are just a sampling of the many unjust laws that have existed, most of them within my lifetime. Yet you are fine with we followed the law. I hope that works for you, it wouldn’t for me, it certainly would not be an acceptable answer from my mother.

“Not every birth mother is sneaky and dishonest, in fact 99% of them are not. One of us has a birth father included in this ridiculous law suit. She followed the law as well. Some of us had birth fathers in the military, making our adoption choice even more difficult, but we still followed the law. One of us is married to the birthfather.”

I’m waiting for some type of data on the 99%. Although, I honestly don’t expect any seeing as adoption records are sealed, mothers have chosen to not name the fathers, so in reality that stat is simply made up to make you, and your audience, feel better. It’s useless and simply put - puffery.


“So we ask, hear our side. Listen to what we have to say. We do believe laws need to be reformed, but we do also believe laws need to be kept birthmother friendly.”

Your side? Your side is the only side that has been heard for decades, fathers are the ones who historically have been shut out of the process, without a voice. Their voice is just as important as your voice. It’s their turn to be heard.

What about the right of the child to know, and be raised in, their family of birth? What about all the added challenges a child who is adopted deals with throughout their life? What about the right of the adult adoptee to access their own original birth certificate, like every other citizen who is not adopted is allowed to? What about the best interests of the child? You seem to be very silent on that, but then, your wording above using “the child” and “this innocent” is likely why you haven’t gone further than dealing with your unplanned pregnancy.

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