Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Guest blogger: Open Vs Closed

I decided to explore the discussion of open vs closed. I have heard many cases of different variables of open. This is one of my friends views. I am waiting for more responses so we can get a lot of different opinions, I will post more of them as they come!

This is from Ms. Hirschi, one of my dearest friends. She placed a little over a year ago.

I have thought about this a lot lately and I'm beginning to wonder if an open adoption is wise. I have talked to a lot of different people on all different sides of adoption. 

Everyone is different that's for sure. I have come to the realization that Logan will never be mine. I love him with all of my heart and miss him like crazy and even doubt my decision sometimes. But, the bottom line is that I placed him in the arms of another family and he is sealed to them for time and all eternity. 

It has been great to watch him grow for the first year, it has made the healing process a lot easier for me. 

I love having an open adoption because my baby will always know that I'm right here and that I didn't turn my back on him

He will always know that I love him desperately and I will get to watch him grow with the comfort that he is happy in his home. 

With an open adoption I will always know that my baby will know who I am. 

My biggest fear with a closed adoption is that the adoptive mom would not tell him about me. 

On the other hand, I have been thinking about what it would be like to have a more closed adoption. It has been hard to keep up with the open adoption because I know that the adoptive couple wants their family to be their family, and it is hard for them to accept the fact that birth families come with adoptions these days. 

I want the adoptive family to be able to bond with my baby and grow up without confusion about who the real mom is. I don't know what the best option is. Right now I feel like the adoptive mom would rather have the adoption be closed and so that's what I feel like doing, so that I don't get stuck waiting for something that is never going to come. I can see the positive and negative about both options and support them both. I don't think that one is better than the other. It would be nice to just love my baby and keep that love to myself and move forward closing that chapter. 

I know that he is loved, I know that he is safe, I know that he will be raised in a strong family that has the same standards as I have and right now I feel like that is all I need. However, in every adoption case feelings are always changing, so tomorrow, I may feel differently.


Miki n Ed said...

hi this is miki from adoption voices,i found you and i love this blog. thank you!!! I love the ribbons too.

birthMOM said...

hey miki, welcome - ive seen you on adoptionvoices! the ribbons are fun huh? remember to wear a white one during ntl adoption month! a birthmom friend of mine, crystal, made the ribbon discovery!

Christie said...

Something i always thing about when i see someone say this. If you understand the true "sealing" of the temple, you will understand this. Up in heaven, it wont really matter who we are sealed to directly. We are sealed to eachother. Hence one reason for geneology. To seal all of us together into the heavens. Isnt that beautiful?
My birth sons adoptive mom constantly refers to me as my sons mother to, because no matter what happens, she may be his eternal mother, and his earthly mother, but i am his earthly mother too. Without me, she wouldnt have him. We are both his mother, and all three of us share that unique and special bond. Even if its not an open adoption - you still share that bond.
One day we will all be sealed to each other. We are all sisters and brothers, simply being sealed to eachother in an eternal way. Thats how i see it. And having been through the temple, each time i see it more and more when i go.

(Ps. it was my husband who pointed that out to me hehe!)

Christie said...

i would jsut like to add that even though I see it the way i do, doesnt mean thats the way EVERYONE should see it. Its just how i feel.
I know birth parents (both moms and dads) who feel its better to have a closed adoption. its better for the baby, and better for them simply because its their way of healing. They are my closest friends, and I'm so happy and grateful they are able to heal.
I on the other hand (and many others that i know) have open adoptions. Mine is so open, that i usually talk to my adoptive family once a week. They know that if it ever happened to be like this - that if they wanted me to have less contact i would respect that in everyway. I try not to be completely intrusive. But we do have a very special unique bond (so close that they called me the day their own biological little boy was born last month... from the labor room!!)
Everyone has their own way of healing. There is no wrong way - it is what is best for you, and your family. If you all decide its best to be more closed, than that is best for you. I simply am sharing my experience with my adoption. I am deeply sorry if i sounded all "preachy" that my way was the best way, because it certainly isnt. its just what was best for me ^_^

Tracey said...

We have just completed an open adoption, but my husband (40 years old) was adopted in a closed case.

Jen said...

I just typed a huge response and lost it! I'll just say short how I feel. I think there is good and bad to closed and open adoption. I placed 5 years ago which I thought was an open adoption but have heard of a lot more open adoptions. My mom placed 35 years ago and has a closed adoption she said I have had a harder time healing because of the openeness and she may be right. I think it is different for everyone whatever helps you heal and have peice of mind is what you should choose. I am happy for the bond I have with my son and his parents.

Gracie said...

My name is Gracie.. I just placed my son Justin for adoption about a week ago. My adoption is open right now. We agreed to let me see him for the first little bit and then to slowly separate. I can't imagine separating ever. I want the adoptive mother to know she is the Mom. She needs that as she and her husband have waited for so long. It is hard to find a balance because I want to be the Mom so much too but I can't take care of Justin the way he deserves it.

birthMOM said...

Gracie! how are you dear one?! luvs for you and sweet justin. you are still the mom, just in a different way. an amazing way! cherishing your role while giving justins mom the space to cherish hers is a hard thing to do, lets be honest, but with joy in your heart knowing that he is being taken care of 'the way he deserves' will lift you when you are down and calm you when you are upset. mucho birthmoma luvs.

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