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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Poll!!

Hey guys I want to conduct a little study on the blog!!


Answer the questions in a comment or email to me at birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com
If you email me put STUDY in the subject line! They are all in your opinion and from your experiences. Choose the answer that is closest to what you feel, feel free to expand on it as well.


QUESTION 1
What is the best and most effective way to set up boundaries for your open adoption?

a) Talking about it
b) Writing it down
c) Letting the birthmom/birthfather or adoptive couple decide then inform the opposite party
d) a and b

QUESTION 2
What do you feel is the least invasive form of communication
a) Letters and pictures
b) Blog
c) Visits
d) Phone calls/ Texting
e) Other: Please specify

QUESTION 3
What do you feel is the most invasive form of communication
a) Letters and pictures
b)Blog
c) Visits
d) Phone Calls/Texting
e) Other: Please specify

QUESTION 4
What is the thing you have seen that has caused the biggest breakdown in communication
a) The birthmom trying to co-parent
b) The adoptive couple ignoring the birthmom
c) Other: Please specify

QUESTION 5 (JUST FOR BIRTHMOMS)
What is the main thing that attracted you to the couple you chose
a) Pictures
b) Birthmother letter
c) Communication
d) Other: Please Specify

QUESTION 6 (JUST FOR ADOPTIVE COUPLES-PLEASE BE HONEST)
What was the main thing you worried about when it came to your profile/blog?
a) Birthmother wouldn't like how you looked
b) Your birthparent letter
c) Birthmother wouldn't like everything about you
d) You were unsure about what you wanted in openess
e) Other: Specify


Thank you for your help!! Jessa







13 comments:

Cami said...

1. a) Talking about it
2. a) Letters and pictures
3. d) Phone Calls/Texting
4. b) The adoptive couple ignoring the birthmom
(adoptive couple cutting off contact)
5. d) other -spiritual conformation, openness

RB said...

QUESTION 1
a) Talking about it

QUESTION 2
a) Letters and pictures (This may be the least invasive, but I also think it's impersonal. I love to talking to and texting our daughter's birth mom.)

QUESTION 3
c) Visits

QUESTION 4
b) The adoptive couple ignoring the birthmom (I think it's a travesty when this happens, There should be some sort of contractual obligation set up so that adoptive couples don't have the choice to go back on their word when it comes to communicating with their child's birth mom.)

QUESTION 5 (JUST FOR BIRTHMOMS)
Not a birth mom

QUESTION 6 (JUST FOR ADOPTIVE COUPLES-PLEASE BE HONEST)
c) Birthmother wouldn't like everything about you (I worried that birth moms may not like our dogs or where we lived, or what we do for a living.)

birthMOM said...

1. D! absolutely WRITE IT DOWN!!

2. B with a blog there is no direct communication, which to me is least invasive, the Acouple can write updates and leave pics and the birthfamily can check the blog whenever they want

3. D phonecalls and texts are the most invasive imo. they come across to the reciever unannounced and in this day and age of instant gratification a quick/immediate response is expected and when that doesnt happen feelings are hurt and things get misinterpretated very quickly. this is a HUGE problem i have noticed with communication breakdown btwn birthmoms and Acouples. i dont feel a visit is invasive becasue they are planned events and do not need to occur in a private home, they can be at the park or soem other public place which isnt invasive in the slightest

4. B hands down 90 percent of the time.

5. D i had a very specific list of requirements, and no couple met ALL of them

6. i have heard most couples express worry about points A B and C. most i know have already decided how much openness thay are comfortable with before filling out profile info

Bean Sprouts said...

QUESTION 1
What is the best and most effective way to set up boundaries for your open adoption?
d) a and b

QUESTION 2
What do you feel is the least invasive form of communication
a) Letters and pictures

QUESTION 3
What do you feel is the most invasive form of communication
c) Visits

QUESTION 4
What is the thing you have seen that has caused the biggest breakdown in communication

b) The adoptive couple ignoring the birthmom


QUESTION 5 (JUST FOR BIRTHMOMS)
What is the main thing that attracted you to the couple you chose

d) Other: Please Specify:
It was a mix of everything, their photo first drew me in, their Bio intrigued me, and the more I read, the more I loved them. Then meeting them sealed the deal, in my heart I just knew.

LeMira said...

1. D :talk it out AND write it down so it is clear for everyone.
2. B: Anyone can read a blog anonymously
3. D: but my opinion is that they may be invasive, but that doesn't mean they aren't welcome.
4. B
5 (not applicable to me)
6. I've worried about all of them at different times, but the one that always is on my mind is my birth parent letter. Does it reflect who we really are, not just the fluff? Am I scaring anyone away? Are we approachable?

Kristin said...

Good questions.
1. A/ and B/. A/ because we all need to get comfortable talking with each other, even about things that might be difficult. And B/because writing it down helps ensure there isn't confusion and solidifies things for the future.
2.Hhhmmm..."Invasive"? That feels like such a negative word. Probably E/Facebook updates. They take the least thought and energy (but they are obviously not very personal).
3. C/I'd say visits are the most invasive, in that its hard to focus on much else when they are happening. But in my experience, they have also been the most rewarding.
4. C/I can only speak from our experience. I think that we all were overly optimistic about the ease - emotionally and logisitically - of keeping in touch when we established our plan, pre-adoption. I think the biggest breakdown has come when we haven't been able to be clear and direct about what we want/need NOW.
5.Doesn't apply.
6.E/ We worried we'd be "unpickable" because of our religious views and because we are vegetarian. In the end, those things attracted our son's birth mom to us.

Karine said...

1) I think before adoption it should be written down with the adoptive couple realizing the Birth Mom may have control, meaning there will be times where they will need more and times where they won't. :) so.... D for #1 :)

2) B: because the birth mom can view it almost anywhere when she wants to and does not have to see anyone or no one has to know :)

3)D phone calls and texts. I think it could go both ways. What if the adoptive parent is super great at communicating... maybe even annoying! (I am sure its not often but..just saying) I think if phone calls and texts start to get crazy then more communication needs to happen and more agreeing on boundries.

4) B I think Birth Mom's & Dad's deserve respect, love and honor. We would not be parents without these amazing people. They should never be ignored. Their feelings count. Just think about the child, if he/she grew up and later found out you treated their birth parent so disrespectfully. How that will affect them!

5)not a birth mom

6) ALL OF THEM! D was our first worry but then we got involved in adoption, learned more, EDUCATED OURSELVES, became friends with birth moms and really listened to some share about how their adoptions were closed. Now we are not WORRIED ABOUT OPEN! :) We hope for it.

I worried I was too fat, or that someone would say they have 5 kids why?? and not even look at us. How can we express that we know and have always known one would come to us through adoption. We just didn't expect to feel such love and gratitude towards them :) I worried our letter said too much/too little. How do you sum up a family (with amazing children IMO :) in a few paragraphs without overwhelming someone. They already have to see a zillion other letters.

I am thankful for the great examples so many birth moms are to me of what Selfless love is. Especially Jessa and Desha ;) You girls are AMAZING! LOVE YOU!

Karine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meg and Ken said...

QUESTION 1
What is the best and most effective way to set up boundaries for your open adoption?
d) a and b

QUESTION 2
What do you feel is the least invasive form of communication
b) Blog

QUESTION 3
What do you feel is the most invasive form of communication
d) Phone Calls/Texting
I happen to love them, but I can see how it could be a problem.

QUESTION 4
What is the thing you have seen that has caused the biggest breakdown in communication
b) The adoptive couple ignoring the birthmom
(I worry about the exact opposite too)

QUESTION 6 (JUST FOR ADOPTIVE COUPLES-PLEASE BE HONEST)
What was the main thing you worried about when it came to your profile/blog?
b) Your birthparent letter.

Mike, Mary, and Maggie said...

1- D communication is the biggest key to open adoption. You need to talk about it and write it down.

2-B blogs are a great way to share pictures and video that the birthmom can choose to share with her family and friends where letters sometimes are too personal to share.

3-I guess D though I love to talk to our birthmoms on the phone and love to be able to call and tell them dumb things like "Yipe we went poop on the potty today"!

4- C- I don't think you should be blaming one side over the other. Communication is two sided. If you aren't talking then you aren't communicating. I think adoptive families and birthmoms don't realize the work and energy it is going to take to care for a new baby and also keep up this new relationship. The best thing is to agree to reevaluate after so much time. Sometimes adoptive families are just so overwhelmed after placement, but you should never ignore the birth family. If you assume things you are hurting the relationship also. When our first birthmom stopped e-mailing us back we started to e-mail less and less thinking she didn't want the communication as much. After talking with her a few months later, we discovered she loved the letters and wanted them to keep coming but it was hard for her to write back. We started a blog and that fixed everything.
5-N/A
6- A I was worried we weren't young and hip enough looking that they wouldn't even get to our letter. The thing is that the things that we were worried about were things that drew our birthmoms too us.(A dog in the family photo will always draw in a dog lover)

Melissa y Robb said...

1 d - a) Talking about it and b) Writing it down

2 b Blog -I wish they had one
3 c Visits - but I havent had them so I dont really know
4 b The adoptive couple ignoring the birthmom
5 d Other: spiritual conformation

Kristin said...

QUESTION 1
a) Talking about it

QUESTION 2
d) Texting (our bm doesn't have internet)

QUESTION 3
c) Visits

QUESTION 4
What is the thing you have seen that has caused the biggest breakdown in communication
c) Other: Our lack of trust in what the extended family expects since they did not support the adoption (we were told she didn't know who the bf was and later learned that wasn't true and he didn't support the adoption)

QUESTION 6
a) Birthmother wouldn't like how you looked

Duchess said...

1. In our case, talking about it. We actually talked L.'s birthmom into an open adoption. We loved her and knew we wanted L. to know her. Writing things down would be too formal for our relationship. It would be awkward.

2. e. other - we are facebook friends. This has worked great for us. We can keep up with one anothers' day to day activities without having a specific time or time commitment.

3. Invasive is a funny word, I don't find any form of communication w/ M. invasive. She is my friend, I love getting to talk with her. I guess the form that requires the most commitment FROM me are letters and pictures. I email her updates and send her hard copies of pictures even though she sees them all on the blog and on fb.

4. I'd have to say the adoptive couple ignoring the birthmom. I've never met an a couple who had their child's birthmom try to coparent.

6. e. The thing we worried about the most didn't have much to do with real potential birth parents. We were very open and very detailed, including our full names, because we didn't feel we could be sincere and withhold something as basic as our last name. We worried more about scammers, and we were contacted by several. We got pretty good at figuring them out pretty fast, though.

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